My parter is hoarding and I’ve had enough of him, I’m not sure how to fix this!

[Rainbow03]

So long story short he moved from his house into mine with ALL is stuff as I became pregnant. His is rented out. I just want to say he is a good man but when it comes to this he is incredibly selfish.!

He has a giant shed, a garage, a large outside storage box, most the loft, his van is now a shed, half the spare room and drawers and cupboards every where stuffed full of shit so that I can’t use the house. I’ve repeatedly told him he needs to start getting rid of it because it’s not fair. I’m having to sell my stuff , I can’t store any of the kids stuff so now all the bedrooms are getting piles. He just can’t stop bringing stuff in. His face is like a child’s when he brings stuff he is so incredibly happy and it’s making me so incredibly unhappy. I want his stuff gone!!! I’m at a point in telling him that if that includes him also because he can’t be without it then so be it.

What do I do? I can’t stand all this stuff anymore, I want space, I want to store stuff. He doesn’t touch any of it, it’s just there taking room doing nothing.

This

Absolutely right. You and the kids deserve better and you shouldn't settle for a half life.

When your children are older they will understand why you broke up with him.

It sounds as if it could also be a fire risk with all that junk coming into your house, another reason for him to think of others before himself and get some help.

You are not the bad cop. You are prioritising your DC.

I understand you want him to wake up and stop but he won't or can't. It's the same with any addict. I know it's a mental illness and it's harsh but like you I see it as selfish.

He can see the DC somewhere else and probably not his because it won't be safe.

I think you've done all you can.

Hoarding is a behavourial issue usually with a history behind it. You could possibly try and find a professional declutter service who can work through this with him. Or you can tell him to move back to his rented house and take his hoard with him.

Either way this cannot continue.

Would it help you if you reframed your thoughts and thought of him like another addict e.g. an alcoholic, a heroin addict........?

I know someone who is a consultant psychiatrist who specialises in addiction - he mainly deals with alcoholics and drug addicts, he does have some hoarders. He says you can't help addicts unless they want to be helped.

OP, my FIL is a hoarder (and has OCD symptoms so it's a complex picture.) I've seen the impact it has on my MIL, who has basically carved out two rooms in her home as "safe" spaces for herself and are cluttered but tidy. The rest is his and it's awful.

I've also seen the impact on DH and his siblings. DH hasn't lived at home in nearly 30 years but still associates physical stuff with security and love, and getting rid of stuff that has any meaning as betrayal. The difference is that he knows he has these feelings and tendencies and he's experienced firsthand what happens when they go unchecked. So while he hangs on to loads of stuff and actively embraces clutter, he works really hard (and asks me for help) to ensure that he doesn't cross the line.

What I'm saying I guess is - this behaviour can have lasting impacts not just on you but on your kids, and getting them out of that sort of situation isn't just getting them healthier and more liveable space and a happier mother, it's an investment in their future mental health.

You don't sound like the bad cop.

if I asked one of my friends about her breakup and she said “he’s a hoarder. He was literally stuffing our house with junk from skips and he wouldn’t stop” I would think fair enough!

It's exactly the same as splitting the family up because he is an alcoholic or drug addict. He can't stop. And won't unless he wants to and gets help.

I'd suggest that you have to be cruel to be kind here. He needs to give notice to his tenants, move himself and his stuff back to that house and get help. Then he needs to prove he's in "recovery" and moving back in with you would only be possible if he can not fill his house up again and manages that over a lengthy [years] period of time.

If he doesn't want to get help then you have your answer and you move on with your life but the current situation is unsustainable. He's still your child's father but to all intents and purposes you are divorced given you don't want to have a relationship with someone like this and live apart. Which is perfectly fair.

You have moved from an abusive relationship to one where the outcome is far from ideal and it would be useful to explore how you strengthen your boundaries. Moving someone's stuff into your house is a normal process but the red flags should have gone up surely when you visited him in the first place and realised he was moving 35 yrs of "stuff" in your direction.

OP this isn’t going to get better by itself. Have you ever seen the shows (usually American) on YouTube where family are desperately trying to get their hoarders to clear out their junk? It’s heartbreaking.

It’s a mental illness. You have to be the responsible adult and bring this mess (literally) to an end.
It’s terribly sad but you need to act now.

Yes I did see the mess and I feel like a complete twat. There’s me thinking he’s a great bloke, he’s on his own working 2 jobs he probably just doesn’t have the time to keep his place tidy. I had no idea of the scale of it mentally. I’ve no experience prior to this of hoarding. I had an ex who was verbally and mentally and sometimes abusive, they are very different. But neither of them can see outside of themselves.

I’ve got such a massive headache now.

You poor thing. This won't be easy but give yourself a break, we've all looked back at decision and thought "what the fuck was I thinking". Very easy for the rest of us to give you quick fixes.

Ideally you'd lock him in the garage for the weekend and feed him through a catflap while emptying the house into a skip. How wonderfully cathartic would that be 😁.

Perhaps start with telling him he has to leave. Actually leave. Take his keys, pack him a bag/fill his car boot and send him away. He has rental income, he's not destitute. He's far far better off than many hoarders and he is only 35. He can make this better if he wants to.

Get out for a walk somewhere green and peaceful OP. You need to decompress for a while.

I’ve got 2 kids to look after. I never ever get a break. @TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams he has done well for himself. Works in a managerial role, has friends etc but something somewhere has gone wrong. He left home at 18 with no support, his parents like to think they are amazing but they never visited his home and he was there 5 years then moved to another and they never came. They don’t visit us and the grandkids despite portraying to family they are involved. It’s all sad for him and I fear I’m just another one abandoning him.

Really feel for you OP.
But you need to listen to the posters saying he has to leave ... and take his hoard with him. He will never change.
You will have to be firm. Your mental and physical health is at stake and your DC need you well. Once the dust settles, he can still be a good dad to your kids.

Probably couldn't get in the front door, never mind being able to sit down without having to find the sofa cushions for ten minutes first.

You're not abandoning him - he's abandoned you and the children by choosing piles of shite because he prefers them.

They should have helped and supported him to get help when he was young but the mum wanted him out and the other son. Both out by 18. The other son made a 17 year old pregnant but that’s another story!

You are never going to change him. It's such a deep rooted mental illness that professionals have little success with treating, let alone a pissed off partner. You accept him and therefore your living standards, or you remove him from your home. There is no other choice. And the longer you prevaricate, the worse the hoard gets.........

Honestly, if someone filled my house with rubbish and then giggled when I tried to talk about it, I would have a breakdown.

You know you made the wrong decision letting him move in, but now you have to make the decision to tell him to leave. You have one precious life and you shouldn't be spending it dealing with him. And yes, I do believe it sticking by your partner, but there are limits - if it causes you pain or distress to stick by them, then it's time to move on from them.

To be honest I’m sick of his family also. They leave me out of everything. Everyone is offered drinks apart from me. I’ve raised it with him before that his mum wont talk to me or even look at me. She basically won’t acknowledge I exist. The whole thing has been getting me down that he won’t stick up for me. It’s all superficial and I hate the whole environment. I worry that the mum will take control and make him take the kids from me just because she dislikes me so much. I do wish I never met him.

@Rainbow03 many people with MH issues can parent effectively but they need to be open to accepting that a) they are ill and b) appropriate support. Lots of us have talked about how very difficult to treat a hoarding disorder and I'm pretty certain some of us have been professionally involved in one way or another. At the moment he doesn't see a problem and thus this has become your problem. In time it will become your kids problem.

It all sounds very negative because this is not a good situation. It doesn't mean your partner is a bad person, at all. There may be very, very deep rooted issues that make him act as he is, but you can't solve them and only he can seek that help. Not being able to fix this does not make you a bad person either and as I can see you totally know, your responsibility is to your children first and foremost and to yourself too.

Honestly, if someone filled my house with rubbish and then giggled when I tried to talk about it, I would have a breakdown.

This. It’s just creepy and weird behaviour. So off putting. He is obviously not mentally well, but the reaction to you trying to talk to him like an adult is just showing how unwell he is.

Is there a possibility he could turn aggressive if you told him to leave, and if he didn’t, you’d start chucking his crap out?

@Rainbow03 OP my best friend had a boyfriend for many years, it was a constant battle with his hoarding and bringing stuff in to their jointly owned house. He used to like collecting things like plastic bags, they must have had over 1000 at one point. He always said they may come in handy one day.

She never used to have anyone over, it was too embarrassing, he never cooked or cleaned either. She ended up leaving him shortly after having their baby as it just got worse, he would bring broken baby toys from bootfairs every weekend with the promise of fixing them and he refused to do nightfeeds on top of everything else.

I supported her as much as I can as her own family didn’t want to know (they considered leaving him a sign of weakness!!) and took them in for 6 months whilst she found her own place.

We think the hoarding stemmed from his upbringing - his parents didn’t have much money when he was growing up so they used to mend things rather than buy etc. They are now well off but still buy out of date/yellow stickered items from the supermarket!!

She’s never been happier and wish she’d got out years ago. She finds it very hard at times, her DD can be quite challenging, but living in that house with him actually affected her own health a lot more than she realised.

OP please consider leaving him, from what you’ve written it doesn’t sound likes it’s going to get any better. 🙏

He literally belittles me. I think his mum is a narc having read about it. I don’t think anyone has ever told him how he can and can’t behave or how to factor other people’s feelings into anything. He thinks his behaviour is genuinely ok and I’m the one with the issues because he is always right. He is like this golden child who has never grown up!