My parter is hoarding and I’ve had enough of him, I’m not sure how to fix this!

[Rainbow03]

So long story short he moved from his house into mine with ALL is stuff as I became pregnant. His is rented out. I just want to say he is a good man but when it comes to this he is incredibly selfish.!

He has a giant shed, a garage, a large outside storage box, most the loft, his van is now a shed, half the spare room and drawers and cupboards every where stuffed full of shit so that I can’t use the house. I’ve repeatedly told him he needs to start getting rid of it because it’s not fair. I’m having to sell my stuff , I can’t store any of the kids stuff so now all the bedrooms are getting piles. He just can’t stop bringing stuff in. His face is like a child’s when he brings stuff he is so incredibly happy and it’s making me so incredibly unhappy. I want his stuff gone!!! I’m at a point in telling him that if that includes him also because he can’t be without it then so be it.

What do I do? I can’t stand all this stuff anymore, I want space, I want to store stuff. He doesn’t touch any of it, it’s just there taking room doing nothing.

No my brain is not comfortable in the chaos. I’m just an idiot for accepting things thinking people are decent deep down. I struggle to get past the fact he isn’t intentionally doing any of it and it’s not to hurt me or the kids. I hate to be the horrible person, or appear to be the horrible person. But as usual I’m suffering regardless.

not gonna happen

It’s not something that I’m really interested in to be honest. You either here and you do the work or you go. I’m not supporting him whilst he sits at home in squalor and disappears under a mound of shit. If he leaves then it’s over for us in that sense.

OP are you financially independent?

I am asking you as a lone parent, because I can tell you life is a lot easier without this kind of shit in it.

It’s just so sad and over things, you’ll willing to loose your family for things. 😢

It's not really about "things" though. Hoarding nearly always comes down to a past trauma or unaddressed psychological issues, and that's hard to fix.

The only way is compromise if you want to go on living with him - the compromise being that all his stuff has to go into storage. Its expensive but you and your DC need your space.

@DuesToTheDirt is right.

There is a history or mental health issue behind it, depression, OCD or poverty as a child etc. this is why he lived alone for years right?

But you know what, he isn't going to lose his family. He can still see DC etc but how is this a life or marriage for you and DC with him doing this in the house?

You need to prioritise you and the DC.

Honestly as a lone parent my life is lovely and peaceful.

Storage is not going to help his hoarding problem and what happens after say his 2nd 3rd or 4th storage unit at Yellow is filled to capacity?.

The only way op and her children will have peace is for the op herself to end the relationship. To him his hoard is the be all and end all in his life and nothing can come between it and him.

@Rainbow03 you cannot fix him.

He needs to recognise he has a problem and seek professional help. Sounds like he is nowhere near that realisation.

I am afraid that you are going to have to ask him to leave your house and he takes his stuff with him otherwise it will be skipped. You are not cutting him out of your life, however, you are making it clear that you will not be a crutch to his addiction.

If you don't ask him to leave then you will have to live with his stuff, which sounds miserable

You surely must have seen the hoarders programmes? Yes they love their hoard much more than they love you or the children. It is no less of an addiction than gambling or heroin or alcohol and you are his enabler.
Everyone has told you that it is a mental illness than you cannot change.
What more do you need to hear?

Stop trying to understand it OP.
It isn’t rational and so it can’t be rationalised.
It’s nothing to do with …this is all we are worth to him.
You know your own value. You don’t need anybody else to endorse that for you.
The gaslighting is becasue he has a disorder. The disorder makes everything more complicated.
Sorting and chucking stuff out is impossible for him. So everything else you ever talk about is skewed in favour of him being able to continue to hoard.

His truth is that it’s harmless (backed up by his parents)
The real truth is that his disordered mindset gets in the way of daily living and relationships. You are at the brunt end of that right now. But you don’t need to be. Your children don’t need to be deprived of him as a father either, if you are prepared to let him visit. They need your protection.

The longer you try to understand it, the more you are playing into his disordered mind-set getting swallowed up in it more and more.
Only you can make it stop.

I say again, stop arguing with him about it and issue your ultimatum and mean it.
Stop taking offence at what he says and what you think he thinks. His brain is wired differently. You won’t ever make him see sense.

You have no alternative but to live separate lives.
It’s a solution for you which you really would be foolish not to take and put in place.
Once he’s gone back to his own flat or to his parents and all his stuff is also gone, he can come back to visit to be a parent. You said he’s a great parent. So that’s what you must facilitate. That’s the best you can expect OP.
When that settles a bit you can see how you feel about him and how you feel about turning a blind eye to his stuff at his home, where it is no longer anything to do with you.
All you have to do is uphold the rule that he brings nothing to your place except himself and a willingness to co-parent.

He isn’t going to change without major input and he isn’t even wanting change.
Mental health services are so stretched. There is very little help he is going to receive at 35 if he can work and support himself and his child.

You quite rightly don’t like things the way they are.
You don’t seem to like the solution either.
You want the impossible. That will get you nowhere OP.
You will become very very miserable unless you put a stop to this now.
You need to stay of healthy mind for the sake of your children.

I’m already miserable with it in constant cycles. Round and round trying to forget and carry on then sick to death of not being able to use my house for his stuff. He moves it around whenever I bring it up so he looks like he’s doing something when he’s doing nothing. Fear of splitting apart my family for the second time. It’s always on me to it. I’m always the bad cop, the one the parents hate. I’m sick of it all.

I can’t believe he said he wanted more. But I think you need to accept responsibility to some extent, even though you were naive enough to not understand you can’t just change a hoarder. They are mentally ill and it’s a compulsion that is incredibly difficult to treat.

we have all seen the tv programs on them, as it is so hard for people to comprehend someone actually chooses this, as you’re articulating. But it’s a choice made through an unwell mind.

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/hoarding-disorder/#:~:text=A%20hoarding%20disorder%20is%20where,little%20or%20no%20monetary%20value.

He is not able to see it that way @Rainbow03 . To even begin to address his issues (which he has made yours) he needs to acknowledge that there is a problem. He hasn't and I think it unlikely he will, but he certainly won't while you are giving up more and more of your home to accommodate his illness. It will go on and on. Forget any ideas suggested about storage and hiring skips, because the space created (with huge and wearing drama, at best) will rapidly be refilled.

You need to prioritise yourself and your children, because sadly, he's shown he's incapable of doing so and it will only get worse.

Yes you are sick of it.
It’s a terrible situation for sure.
So you have to do something to change it for the better.
Yes it’s on you !

He can’t make the change because he’s the one with the disorder.
But you can. So do it.
YOU can have a safe, tidy, welcoming home by Christmas if you act now.
Nobody that counts will see you as the bad cop.
Give him the ultimatum and you will be applauded for being sensible.

Right now you are going round in circles making the same mistake going nowhere but downhill. Getting more miserable.

Up to you to work with what you’ve got.
It’s not perfect but you can make it a lovely home again.

What do you want OP. A lovely home for your precious children or for his parents to like you ?
You decide !

I know and that is just what scares me. The whole thing just feels so scary now.

I get that, but you are not putting him and his massive pile of belongings out on the street, he has somewhere to go. As other people have said, he can still be very present, but not with his stuff.

I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it

This of course relates to alcoholism but is relevant to your situation.

Genuine good wishes @Rainbow03

Unfortunately if you go down the “just get rid of it” route and he still lives in your house, the relief will be temporary. He will just replace it with more stuff. For a long term solution he’ll need to do this through therapy.

It doesn't have to be a big deal - lots of people have relationships and don't live together
why can't that be an option for you? Because he's telling you he won't compromise on how he loves when he's in your home
so separate homes means he can hoard to his hearts content and you can live in a clean clutter free home
but you can still see each other and maybe have the odd sleep over

How can you recover from this. He will have split the family up over stuff. I couldn’t recover from that, it’s too selfish. He’d be a disordered addict somewhere else. I can’t love that it goes against all my principles. You don’t put crap ahead of your family. These little kids they don’t deserve a man who put other people’s junk ahead of their safe little life and have to split seeing him for junk.

completely understandable to feel that way
but only you can make that decision because he doesn't need to

“Fear of splitting apart my family for the second time. It’s always on me to it. I’m always the bad cop”

You need to rephrase your thinking - you are not the bad cop you are the brilliant brave cop/ princess/ hero - the hero of the story. You are putting your children first and making tough decisions to protect them - living with a parent that is unwilling to get the help he needs and therefore watching their mum implode from the stuff is not a healthy happy home for your kids - asking your “partner” to leave is a means to have your kids raised in a safe happy home

that’s not a bad cop that’s a superhero ; a supermum!

It's hard to face & accept OP but it seems this man is not going to be the person you want & need him to be. You will have to choose the least worst option from the options that are available, these are
1-Live with him & his hoard
2-Live separately & be free of his hoard.

That's a great way of putting it ❤️

It's an awful situation you're in OP and I couldn't live with it either. You need to do what's right for you and your children.