My parter is hoarding and I’ve had enough of him, I’m not sure how to fix this!

[Rainbow03]

So long story short he moved from his house into mine with ALL is stuff as I became pregnant. His is rented out. I just want to say he is a good man but when it comes to this he is incredibly selfish.!

He has a giant shed, a garage, a large outside storage box, most the loft, his van is now a shed, half the spare room and drawers and cupboards every where stuffed full of shit so that I can’t use the house. I’ve repeatedly told him he needs to start getting rid of it because it’s not fair. I’m having to sell my stuff , I can’t store any of the kids stuff so now all the bedrooms are getting piles. He just can’t stop bringing stuff in. His face is like a child’s when he brings stuff he is so incredibly happy and it’s making me so incredibly unhappy. I want his stuff gone!!! I’m at a point in telling him that if that includes him also because he can’t be without it then so be it.

What do I do? I can’t stand all this stuff anymore, I want space, I want to store stuff. He doesn’t touch any of it, it’s just there taking room doing nothing.

I just wish he could see that he doesn’t need all this stuff to be of use.

You’re very wrong. He really does need all this stuff right now. He needs it more than he needs anything or anyone.

That’s what I thought,

This is a mental health issues and to address it he needs help.
The effect it's having on your MH is unfair.

Both these things can be true and one doesn't negate the other.

It also doesn't mean he doesn't love you, your relationship and your dc.
It means he doesn't see the connection between his feeling for you all and the impact of his board.

I have to say, I disagree with the posters who are basically saying if you love him you'd help/support him.
MH requires the support of a professional and it's not your job to put up with this (at the cost of yours and your dc's comfort, MH and happiness). He is a grown man.

You can continue your relationship while he lives in his own house. Lots of people do this and as long as you can make it work in a way that you're both happy with, it's fine.

Don't get drawn into trying to make him see your POV. He can't - fundamentally, stuff makes him feel safe/comfortable and he will never understand why it causes you stress.

If it were me, I wouldn't argue, I would tell him quite directly that you are never going to agree on the way the house should be. You want him to be happy and that means having his stuff, but you also want to be happy and that means having that a lot less stuff in your house.
You can do this with kindness but be clear you want him to move back out and see how things work when these arguments aren't needed anymore.

I agree with everything that@MrsEmilyGilmore just said

Hoarding is a complex MH issue ( if he is a hoarder). Unless he can recognise its a problem and he has to will to fix it, your going to have a hard time.

There's help out there but he needs to reach out for it

She's done more than enough already.

Well Op you know it's not you that is the "problem" as he was a hoarder when you met.

Getting his tenant(s) out could take a while so I would say that he needs to pay to store everything until then.

Anything new also goes into storage.

I couldn't live with this either. Normally I'd think he was being abusive trying to turn it round onto you, but it sounds like he genuinely doesn't realise he's a hoarder, or that it's a problem, and therefore - to him - logically any problems in the relationship are down to your 'bad attitude.' I couldn't live with that either tbh!

I really feel for you, but all you can do now is be firm and tell him he has to move out. It's obviously going to be really hard as he obviously can't understand why. But you can't live in a junkyard, it's not right or healthy for any of you. Good luck.

If I desperately wanted to save the relationship then I would start him off easy. Dress it up as charity. Hand him a box, tell him X charity shop needs donations. You have a lot of stuff you don't use that would really help. Please put 10 items in here for donation.

Make sure it's HIS stuff that goes in the box. If he refuses, do it for him. He chooses or you do.

Tell him We need to free up space for two bikes the kids can actually ride. These ones are broken. You have this weekend to either fix them for the kids or get rid of them so I can buy the kids bikes. If they're not working or gone by Monday morning, I will get rid of them.

Be a master of the closed choice. These clothes don't fit you and haven't for years. Which charity shop do you want to donate them to?

Do not be above throwing stuff out behind his back.

I get it.

You want him to think like a person who isn't a hoarder.

He can't. Ever.

There's a slim chance that, with lots of therapy, he may be able to control his behaviours by using mechanisms that can be taught him.

The first step must be, can ONLY be, him recognising that he has a problem that he wants to fix. He must want to change, stop hoarding, keep stopped.

It's like Alcoholism - you don't ever stop being an Alcoholic, you can be an alcoholic in recovery though.

If you ended up buying a motorhome then within a few months it will be unusable as it will be full of his new finds.

If he is unwilling to get help then for your mental health he needs to move back into his place.

This is interesting and slightly heartbreaking to read as a hoarder. For what it’s worth, I think you should ask him to access help like CBT or therapy. If he won’t, it’s a bigger conversation about living separately because I agree it’s not good for you to be living in an environment that upsets you.

I’m a hoarder and actually need to follow my own advice! I did CBT 2 years ago and it helped but I really need to do more therapy until I can totally change my behaviours.

I was always a kid who collected stuff, buttons, shells etc. then at a crucial time as a kid we were made homeless and lost everything - and a whole lot of other stuff. So basically when I got my own place I started accumulating things again.

I did the course of CBT and it helped for a time but I’ve slipped into old ways. I think hoarders tend to have a lot of excuses (mine are - I can sell that and make money, but I don’t).

I have kids and I do make sure the shared spaces / their rooms are as clear as possible (& we have normal family clutter - a million pictures from school etc) but our loft, spare room and shed are full of my stuff and a bit of my DH’s.

My partner isn’t like this so I do worry about him and this is why I did the CbT course. One other key thing is that don’t assume this isn’t eating your partner up. I’m very much a ‘head in the sand person’ - to my partner it seems I don’t care but I spend every moment by myself worrying about clearing my stuff, worrying how much I spend etc. It keeps me awake. but if my partner brings it up I find it really hard to talk about.

I just wanted to give another perspective, not meaning to excuse him in anyway!.

He doesn't, he's tolerated what you wanted because you tolerated what he wanted. The soon as that changes he will pick his addiction over you.

It's nothing personal, addiction works that way in the brain where nothing else makes a person as happy as what they're addicted to. It's not like he would love someone else more than you, simply because his addiction is his top priority.

She's already been throwing stuff out or donating to charity behind his back, he just buys more stuff. I don't think she'll get anywhere telling him to choose things to donate himself, he'll just refuse.

OP, does he know you've given his stuff away? What do you think his reaction would be if he caught you? Would he get violent?

That's because he is unwell.

If I desperately wanted to save the relationship then I would start him off easy.

It's not all up to Op though is it?

What should he do if he wants to save the relationship?

My first husband had an affair & chose the OW.

There was literally nothing I could have done (even if I had wanted to) as he didn't want the relationship any more.

Hoarding is a psychiatric condition. It’s not resolved by tough talk or ultimatum

All this just get him told is bombastic and ill informed and doesn’t work
Even if you remove all items he’ll quickly just replace. The clutter is symptomatic of the condition. He won’t stop hoarding if items are removed, he’ll replace

It is intolerable I get that Regards you and the children. You need to decide can you remain living with him. Do you and children leave? Does he leave?

The OP really can't fix this. Believe me, I've been there are I said earlier. I was the problem according to him. If we just had 5 bedrooms then he could use 2 of those for his stuff, and it would all be sorted. ( we lived in a fairly large 4 beds). It has nothing to do with room, it's that the hoarder has a compulsion or addiction and doesn't actually see it. It's not rational.
Years ago I watched one of those hoarding programmes from the US. A man in a rural location, a very big house and, not 1 but 2 barns. All full to the rafters. You know what he wanted to do? Build another barn! Because with 3 barns his house would be tidy! He couldn't see the madness of it all!

You can't carry on like this. If you have reached the point of 'it goes or he goes', then you have to tell him, and give him the ultimatum. Either he gets rid of it or he has to move out and take it with him.

Okay, so it causes him great anxiety, but all this stuff is now causing you considerable stress as well, and it is all in your house, not his.

You sound really switched on to me OP and ready to stand up for yourself and your kids. I have a friend who finally broke up with a hoarding partner after two decades. Her and her kids can properly breathe and relax in their home now, after decades of chaos and stress. Your home should be your safe space. It isn't your job to fix him, like you say you were responsible enough to seek help for your issues due to the impact it has on others, he hasn't done the same for you and the kids.

Like others, I think he's ill, and unless treated, the situation won't change.

I remember reading of a woman who hoarded, to the extent that her house was unsafe (I understand things aren't that bad for you at the moment). Social workers told her she had to choose her children or her stuff. She chose her stuff; the children went into care. That's how severe an illness it can be; you almost certainly can't fix him; he needs professional help.

Perhaps we both love each other in our own ways. But I don’t want to live the way he wants and he doesn’t want to live the way I want. Giving up your family for stuff seems totally stupid. This whole thing is ridiculous but so serious at the same time. I’m just fed up of the argument being one sided. If he even admitted he has too much stuff it’d be a start but he’s openly said he wants more and he doesn’t think he has too much. Honestly it’s going in circles and my heads a mess over p

His hoard is the priory, it’s never been you or for that matter the children

. You need to continue with your plan to end the relationship. From his responses to you as well you’re also seeing the real him, to him he does not have a problem. You cannot even begin to try and reason with someone who is not seeing reason. If you are not currently in therapy restart these sessions asap.

Here's the thing OP, you will not get him to be rational about this because right now he is not capable of rational thinking.
Your partner is unwell, he has a mental illness. Perhaps if you reframed it as someone with schizophrenia hearing voices - of course you would love them and it doesn't mean they aren't capable of being in a relationship but they need support, they need doctors and psychiatrists and medication. This is no different to your partner, it's just a different condition that expresses itself through hoarding.

If he had an abusive mother it's possible the hoarding came from trauma as a child or at something else traumatic in his life but until he gets help for that the hoarding will never be under control because it is a compulsion. He can't get rid of items because it's physically painful, many hoarders see throwing out items as traumatising as getting rid of a pet or a child even when it's a dirty, rat infested shoebox of zero worth.

The only way your relationship can survive is if he accepts he has a problem. If he doesn't then you need to take steps to separate. You also have some accountability though. You have obviously got a lot going on, children with special needs is not easy to manage without any extra issues. But at some stage you have to decide you're breaking the cycle. Your brain is likely comfortable in the chaos, it left an abusive relationship where it grew to having high stress/cortisol levels as the norm and now although a different situation it's back to what it knows. You have to push through and take your head out of the sand or you will spend the rest of your life complaining and not taking action.

You are a strong woman, you have dealt with so much, you can do what needs to be done now so that you get the peace you deserve ❤️

You can't fix him, you've found that out the hard way. I don't think it's a simple as, "He loves his stuff more than he loves us." He can't see the problem, for a start. But even if he could, it's some kind of emotional support for him and he can't do without it. Perhaps it's like food or sleep for him - you wouldn't expect someone to give those up, and you wouldn't say, "You love sleep more than you love me. If you loved me you'd stay awake for a week."

But you still love him and want a relationship? Is there any reason you can't live apart, but continue in the relationship? Some couples, even married ones, have separate houses and find it works for them.