My parter is hoarding and I’ve had enough of him, I’m not sure how to fix this!

[Rainbow03]

So long story short he moved from his house into mine with ALL is stuff as I became pregnant. His is rented out. I just want to say he is a good man but when it comes to this he is incredibly selfish.!

He has a giant shed, a garage, a large outside storage box, most the loft, his van is now a shed, half the spare room and drawers and cupboards every where stuffed full of shit so that I can’t use the house. I’ve repeatedly told him he needs to start getting rid of it because it’s not fair. I’m having to sell my stuff , I can’t store any of the kids stuff so now all the bedrooms are getting piles. He just can’t stop bringing stuff in. His face is like a child’s when he brings stuff he is so incredibly happy and it’s making me so incredibly unhappy. I want his stuff gone!!! I’m at a point in telling him that if that includes him also because he can’t be without it then so be it.

What do I do? I can’t stand all this stuff anymore, I want space, I want to store stuff. He doesn’t touch any of it, it’s just there taking room doing nothing.

I don’t think that’s true, just he cares more about his stuff. And if I’m brutally honest, he thinks you will just put up with it and are only making a bit of noise.

You are the people who provide accommodation for his hoarde, who provide various services for him to give him more time to devote to his hoarde, etc.

OP, this man is mentally ill and couldn't give a damn about your space, children or what is best for them in their home.
His hoarding addiction comes first.
Huge mistake to allow him to move in.
Time to correct it and get him out.
Your children deserve so much better than this, so do you.
Co parent with him.
But get him and his crap out of your home.

But he provided all that for the 30 years he lived alone. I think he’d love to go back to living alone surrounded by mounds of stuff. What does he really need me for that he can’t provide himself.

I see in your post you say "how can I fix this"? answer is you can't. The only person who can fix this is the hoarder themselves and they have to want to do it.

I guess the advantage of living with you is that he gets an income from renting out his house?
This passive income means more time and money to devote to his primary focus?

I'm trying to say that the hoard will always come first unless he can break out of it.

I can't say how much he truly cares about your children and you - because the hoarding smothers normal loving interactions doesn't it?

What gives him joy and contentment? You and his children?

The thing is his hoard is far more important to him that anyone or anything else.

Your DC are at risk either because of a fire, mental health issues dealing with this, being taken off you or you collapsing because of the stress. And then what?

He isn’t like that. Most of the stuff is free. He’s not tight with money, he provides everything with no nastiness. The house income we were saving for a motorhome so that’s safe.

OP, you are in another abusive relationship, irrespective of his hoarding. Stay focused on that. You know this territory, you know how to get out.

End the relationship.

Change all the locks.

He has to leave, immediately, to his parents, to his friends, to a hotel.

Giving notice to his tenants and reclaiming his own house is HIS problem, and HIS job, it is nothing to do with you. He can do it while sleeping on someone else's sofa.

Give him 2 weeks to clear ALL of his stuff from your house and garden and outbuildings, or you will clear it to the tip.

Book the skip and clearance help NOW, as he will almost certainly not meet your deadline.

At 2 weeks, clear all his stuff out. ALL OF IT.

Agree a schedule for seeing his child(ren), and make it clear that it is HIS responsibility to provide a safe and comfortable space for DC to visit him in.

DO NOT let your home become his parenting space. He will have to organise activities out with them until he has a home of his own.

As soon as you are able, continue with your individual therapy. You need to understand and resolve the issues that drew you into this relationship and why the hell you chose to have a child with him.

Good luck!

That’s the issue I don’t want him to get rid of his stuff because this bloody women is on one again giving me threats of this and that. I want him to do it because he sees it’s wrong. I don’t think we can ever get to that place.

This. Hoarding is incredibly difficult to deal with. No way would I inflict this on my kids (or on me). Tell him to go back to his own place and take his stuff with him. If you want to keep seeing him that's fine. He doesn't have to live with you.

I really feel for you OP. I have experience of this in my circle. It's utterly shit and very often, there is nothing you can do to convince them so that makes it very difficult to deal with. For me, it would be a case of ending the relationship. I'm really sorry you're going through this.

I’m so very sorry for you…. It must be devastating to have to accept that he will never accept the blame himself. And he will not change as he doesn’t believe he has a problem, it’s all you. Get him out asap…. If he can go this weekend all the better.

He needs professional help. Nothing you can say yourself will stop him. This is a serious disorder and difficult to treat. I have a family member who worked in mental health and they said that hoarding is one of the most intractable disorders. Usually with careful professional help they can get people to reduce the hoarding over time, but not stop it completely.

Also, if you give them more space they will fill it with more stuff. They won’t take anything out of their existing space. He might tell you he’ll move things, but he won’t. He’ll move things temporarily then replace them.

His happy little face when he comes home with more stuff to ruin your home with is not a good thing. A drug addict is temporarily happy when they get their fix, but we know it’s wrong to enable drug addiction.

I’m afraid I couldn’t live with your partner. Maybe continue the relationship if you really don’t want to split, but in separate homes until he has addressed his problem. This is seriously affecting your quality of live and your children’s.

Addicts love their drug. People say hoarding is an illness but it's better compared to addiction. Addicts will put their fix over everything else. Start thinking of him like a drug addict and things become clearer.

No, he can’t without some pretty intensive therapy. You can’t fix it, giving him more space is only going to facilitate it as much as giving a druggie more money to buy them.

It’s the most important thing in his life because he is ill.

You can’t change him but you can prevent his illness wrecking your kids lives.

If he was relatively happy before he will probably end up back in his house hoarding.

Another place to fill with stuff!!

The house income we were saving for a motorhome so that’s safe.

He'd start hoarding in the motorhome.

So start with that room. This weekend. He bags things up and takes them to his flat or his parents house. Or they go in the bin and you take them to the tip. Either way they are leaving your home today. He does it or you will. Get that room cleared, give it a good clean and get the kids stuff set up. You will feel such a sense of achievement and the kids will love it. And he will see that you mean business.

Please, please, tell him to go and take his stuff with him.
My late DH was a hoarder. I put up with it for over 40 years. He would tell me that the situation would improve if he had,
1 more cupboard.
1 more room
A garage.
A shed.
2 more rooms
And a dining room that he could use as a study.
4 bedrooms.
NO, NO! It didn't matter how much room we had he filled it, with stuff. It's a serious mental health issue. They can't do anything but aquire more stuff, and they can't dispose of it. Certainly not by themselves, and even with psychological help it's still almost impossible.
When he died, it took me over a year to get rid of the stuff. A whole year and then some. Working at the piles for several hours every day. Dealing with it was as bad as dealing with his death.
Please, for your own sanity, live by yourself, don't let him turn your home into the municipal tip. My mental health suffered because of the hoarding, don't be me.

His flat is rented and all avenues in the house are full to the brim. But I want his hoard out! I just know what the scene will be like, it will be the most pathetic thing you’ve ever seen.

You need boundaries op. You are so empathetic to this man but he is just letting his illness, addiction, whatever you want to call it ride roughshod all over you and his kids. You describe him as nice but this is actually very very selfish.

He doesn’t want help and you do not owe it to him to wait until he changes his mind (spoiler alert this might be never)

it is one thing staying with a partner who is ill and takes all of their treatment diligently. It is another thing when they are happy as they are without trying to improve the illness and it makes life shit for everyone.

do you think you could have civil break up? Imagine what it would be like to have your own house back.

How old is he? Sorry if you’ve answered it already

12!…..35