My parter is hoarding and I’ve had enough of him, I’m not sure how to fix this!

[Rainbow03]

So long story short he moved from his house into mine with ALL is stuff as I became pregnant. His is rented out. I just want to say he is a good man but when it comes to this he is incredibly selfish.!

He has a giant shed, a garage, a large outside storage box, most the loft, his van is now a shed, half the spare room and drawers and cupboards every where stuffed full of shit so that I can’t use the house. I’ve repeatedly told him he needs to start getting rid of it because it’s not fair. I’m having to sell my stuff , I can’t store any of the kids stuff so now all the bedrooms are getting piles. He just can’t stop bringing stuff in. His face is like a child’s when he brings stuff he is so incredibly happy and it’s making me so incredibly unhappy. I want his stuff gone!!! I’m at a point in telling him that if that includes him also because he can’t be without it then so be it.

What do I do? I can’t stand all this stuff anymore, I want space, I want to store stuff. He doesn’t touch any of it, it’s just there taking room doing nothing.

Do you want to consign your children to a lifetime of anxiety? Too ashamed to bring friends home because of the stuff? A father who, as much as he loves them, is mentally ill with a condition that comes before anything?
Too much stuff is a fire and health hazard, OP.
It is mentally draining to be around and his reaction or being pleased about bringing more of it in speaks volumes.
If you’ve ever spoken to children who have been brought up in this type of house it crushes them.
It is time to put your children first. This man has no concept of thinking he needs help. It is like an addiction and comes first. You could clear it all out and within weeks it will return.
He can still be a dad from his own home. But gift your children the gift of a free, clean, safe, secure home. If he stays it will get worse to the point where there will be no space for any of you.

Please do this. It’s not about being right or wrong, it’s about prioritising your kids (and your own) wellbeing. They don’t deserve to feel unsettled in their own home just to accommodate his needs or mental illness.

I want the spare room back for what I always intended. A room for the kids with desks and all the craft stuff and books etc. Now it’s got some kids stuff in it but it’s mostly his stuff and 1000s of DVDs he collects but no one watches. I want the room back! I think the DARVO has been working on me up until now.

Look, none of us are perfect and we all have to compromise.

But there is no way I would have someone treat me, my home and my children like this. What a way to live.

You have the strength to get his stuff out of your house, with or without him. You’ve survived a previous abusive relationship. You know what you and your children need. Draw on your strength. Get people on your side if you’re worried about what he’ll do . The fact you fear this compounds that he is abusive, I’m afraid.

Tell him to hire a lock up.

One that will fit all his stuff.

If it costs him money he might, might, start to sort it out.

Perhaps being in a useable living space he will start to replace his attachment to things to people.

It's a stepping stone.

I don't understand how you can put up with this ridiculous little boy, do you have sex with this ridiculous little boy?

That’s actually very cruel, people upthread have suggested much kinder ways of dealing with it and him returning to his own home so he can still maintain a relationship with his kids. The op also has to take responsibility for the fact that she moved from an abusive marriage into choosing to have a child with someone and moving them in knowing full well they had a mental illness, when she should have taken time to process her earlier relationship instead of leaping into another situation of setting herself and DP up to fail. It’s madness to know there was a problem and still choose to move them in, how was it ever going to end any other way?

That’s a bit much, and their sex life is nothing to do with you or the thread. What an inappropriate question.

We don’t really anymore as I just see him as an annoyance now. I don’t want to feel like this because like I said he I love but the hoarding I don’t. But it’s 2 sides of the same coin unfortunately. I just wish he could see that he doesn’t need all this stuff to be of use. He has us and we don’t need this stuff. But something in him is lost. It feels like growing up he was only of use to his mum if he had something or could find something of use she needed then he would get a pat on the back and feel love. Something somewhere has gone wrong for him.

I did and so did my mum who told him to his face he is being totally selfish but he couldn’t wipe the smile from his face. Honestly it’s beyond me.

This says it all. His hoard is more important to him than you or the children. It is a mental illness and a very intractable one, even when the hoarder (and this is rare) will actually acknowledge an issue and engage with help and support.

You could have a house the size of Blenheim Palace and eventually OP, you'd need sheds outside, because his "stuff" will continue to fill the space available and beyond. It is very, very unfair for you to have a constant battle to attempt to contain it and eventually it is a fight you are very likely to lose. It's even more unfair for your children to be affected by it and they will be.

Get him back to his own space, taking everything with him and then is the time to see if he will seek help, which you can support him with if you wish. I'm afraid I think it unlikely, but at least you and your children will be in a better place.

Because I am human and sometimes I am wrong and I make mistakes.

How do you get help for a person who refuses to discuss the problem, who storms out if you mention it and won’t accept that it’s a problem?

Even if there was any help available for this (which there isn’t) a person who won’t engage with anyone is impossible to help.

This is my advice if you want to stay with him. If you want to send him home to his house I would completely understand that too.

You have given him the garage and shed - I would sacrifice these areas to him. I would not let him have the loft as well. Give him one/two shelves in a bookshelf, one cupboard in the kitchen, the correct amount of wardrobe and drawers then, after speaking to him, anything that he has/gets that doesn't fit on his shelf/cupboard/wardrobe put in a binbag (or ask him to) and fling it into the garage. E.g. his 1000 DVDs - in a bin bag and fling in the garage. Don't be secret about this - completely open - you won't throw anything out but it goes in a bin bag in the garage. Nothing to come into the house if it doesn't fit into his share of storage. If he still has his own house get him to fetch a few bin bags from the garage and drive them over to his house. Hopefully he can regularly bag up his own stuff and move it rather than you having to do it.

Get a little bike store for your kids bikes and he is not allowed to store a single thing in it. Anything he puts in it fling it in the garage.

@Mablesyruo I was the first person to suggest they live apart but stay together and to help him get MH support in a earlier post.

However he is arguing back, not listening to OPs needs, and not interested in getting help. If she doesn't want to live like this forever and he is not willing to change then the only answer is to physically remove the items herself and get her house back to the way she wants to live. It may be cruel but his behaviour, even if fueled by MH is also cruel and she has children to put first. She has already given him warnings to move the stuff himself and he refuses, she is not responsible for him,he is.

As many other posters have said the best way forward is very probably for him to go back to his house and you live separately.
If I were in your shoes I think I would push for that and then see how things pan out.

It’s an interesting idea but I want to use the garage for gardening stuff and tools etc and my bike. He has a 10 by 12 foot shed. That’ should be enough!

This man does not attach emotionally to people he attaches emotionally to his hoarde. He is able to be kind towards his children because he has the emotional security of his stuff to fall back on.
It is his stuff (and the gathering of more of it) which delights him and enables him to tolerate the people around him.

I had the abuse too

You can't change him.
You can't make him want to change.
The reasons for him having hoarding tendencies don't matter. You thinking "oh it's because of being neurodivergent /childhood trauma" is irrelevant- it won't convince him and will just muddy the water with you wondering how to fix it.

Take the advice of those with hoarding tendencies- he has to move out, take all his stuff and choose to deal with this (or not) away from your home. You can still spend time together as a family. If he shows he's made progress then you can rethink living together in the future. In the meantime you need to model normal life to your children. Even the toddler is picking up lessons about how to relate to stuff and whether stuff exists to serve us or whether we exist to serve the stuff.

She’s not told him though she wants the relationship to end yet ( edited , as in living together relationship ) it’s only fair to actually tell him first! Then make a plan of action together…when you do something drastic to a hoarders possessions , particularly if there’s ASD involved, then they actually may end up acting in drastic ways themselves and nobody wants that to happen around children.

Winter2020

Your suggestions would work with a normal, rational person.

He is neither. He has the mental illness of being a Hoarder. They cannot be reasoned with or negotiated to a compromise that will be adhered to.

A Hoarder only cares about the Hoard, adding to it, relishing the idea of getting more and more.
Nothing else matters, truly. They may mouth the right words but never live up to them, because The Hoard is their be-all-and-end-all.

You won't truly comprehend it - none of us can unless we are Hoarders (and they can be very defensive, protective if a hoarder, see above the posts by a fellow hoarder).

@BlackShuck3 this really seems to hit the nail on the head and it’s exactly how it feels. I’ve often found him to be completely detached, he has absolutely no idea how I feel about anything or any tools to even try. He seems very awkward and hugging he seems to be like what is this for.

So really deep down he doesn’t care about us. What are we to him?

I feel stressed reading this OP.

You won’t ever persuade him to stop so sadly the only solution is to let him go back to his house. You can’t let him ruin your children’s home like this.

Rather than make this an abstract thing he can argue about give him a very clear date and grey rock all the DARVO tactics with ‘Well that might or might not be true. The fact remains you need to leave this house with all your stuff by this date. Any remaining stuff will be skipped. On repeat.

Agree with PP I would get any of this crap that is in your house into bin bags and thrown into the garage in the meantime.

When he’s gone enjoy reclaiming your home for you and DC. You can carry on in a relationship if you want although I think that giggling business would have killed it dead for me.

💐