My parter is hoarding and I’ve had enough of him, I’m not sure how to fix this!

[Rainbow03]

So long story short he moved from his house into mine with ALL is stuff as I became pregnant. His is rented out. I just want to say he is a good man but when it comes to this he is incredibly selfish.!

He has a giant shed, a garage, a large outside storage box, most the loft, his van is now a shed, half the spare room and drawers and cupboards every where stuffed full of shit so that I can’t use the house. I’ve repeatedly told him he needs to start getting rid of it because it’s not fair. I’m having to sell my stuff , I can’t store any of the kids stuff so now all the bedrooms are getting piles. He just can’t stop bringing stuff in. His face is like a child’s when he brings stuff he is so incredibly happy and it’s making me so incredibly unhappy. I want his stuff gone!!! I’m at a point in telling him that if that includes him also because he can’t be without it then so be it.

What do I do? I can’t stand all this stuff anymore, I want space, I want to store stuff. He doesn’t touch any of it, it’s just there taking room doing nothing.

The poster said she was a hoarder on the thread. No one seems to have noticed this....

Tell him that unless he recognises that he has a problem, which he doesn't, there is no room for discussion about this. He needs to leave.

You need to live separately. It s that simple.

I feel for you. My DH has hoarding tendencies, tbh he doesnt acquire that much stuff these days but categorically refuses to get rid of things, even if they've not bee used/looked at/worn for 20+ years. His late dad was a proper hoarder. I remember going to his parents house not long after we got together and thinking do I really want to get invovled in this family! And a year later he moved all his stuff into mine and I had serious second thoughts!!

These days (together 1 years) he sort of lets me sell on/recyle stuff but has his own office which is totally awful but I tolerate it because it has a door. A few years ago we put stuff into storage and it burnt down - awful story but that was one way to get rid of a load (not suggesting arson, obviously)

however in your shoes it is affecting YOUR house and YOUR kids so I think you need to get tough on it. Or end the relationship sadly.

No one - apart from all the posters upthread who pointed it out, or directly responded to that poster about it.

You were told again and again this wouldn’t improve. It hasn’t.

He doesn’t listen. But neither do you it seems.

The detailed advice you received remains the same. This is a a severe mental illness that is hard to treat even if the person wants help.

Buying / renting storage space is a waste of time. He will fill it and your home endlessly. Nothing will be enough. You seemed to say he was taking stuff back last time to his house but here you are.

Put your children first and get him out. The damage being done living with a hoarder is immense. You say he is a “great father”. His hoard comes before you and the kids. Always.

Other than that what do you want from this thread? That you weren’t told before?

My husband is exactly the same!! I get rid of stuff while he's at work. It is a mental illness that needs a proper therapist work with them, they is also a website to help you, giving you tips for handling the situation which is helpful, I do stick to my guns and say no, you don't bring it home!!! It works.

Yes but repeatedly copying and pasting into the thread a load of AI-generated advice for OP to put in front of her partner is not going to help if he refuses to look at it. You say she should open the door for him to get help. He does not want to go through that door.

Hi OP.

My husband has these tendencies.

Particularly peaks when he’s stressed / down / feels overwhelmed.

I know it’s annoying but the best thing you can do is help rather than tell.

People with ADHD tend to pile. The advice is to ‘shadow’ them - not help them tidy but be with them as they do it. Apparently it’s a big help to them in getting it done - guess it provides emotional support. I would imagine he feels overwhelmed by it now it’s reached such a stage?

I’m not saying he has ADHD but the above still could help. That level of untidiness is likely an emotional / mental thing vs just being ‘messy’.

As an aside, once it’s sorted and tidy I i find it helps to keep on top of it and say “I notice a pile forming there, best you deal with it now before it becomes huge like last time.” And it helps nip it in the bud. My husband appreciates this.

Just kick him out already. He is making the lives of you and your children needlessly hard.

Tell him to move out. Of course you want to put your kids first. He's an adult. He can sort himself out

Why did you have your first child together without living together? Was it because you already knew about the hoarding?

I am a NHS diagnosed hoarder - it is a mental health problem. But you don't have to put up with it and no one should guilt you into feeling what you have or haven't done has or hasn't been right. If you don't want to live with his hoarding - that is fair enough and its reasonable not to want to be with him because of it.
Can I just add - some people do hoard as you have implied because it makes them feel secure like you are emotionally and literally building a thick walled castle around you made of stuff you 'might' need. You might find it interesting to ask him the feeling he gets when he brings stuff into the house and why. I was buying stuff as I a) was very poor growing up and each Amazon delivery was like I had received a present - but once I worked this out I felt sick at the waste and that feeling went away! b) was buying stuff to apparently solve a problem which then made me feel good about myself - yay I was solving problems! But then realised I was creating more problems as it was an expense and need to go back by deadlines.

Being poor growing up really did impact my hoarding - like the therapist help me realise that when I was growing up and had only one toy for myself...giving that toy away would have been a hardship. But when younger my children had a zillion toys and they would not be upset about giving some toys away...I was placing my emotional stuff on their toy collection...and when I realised this I was able to sort through my kids toys and give them to charity.

Maybe sit down with him when you are both calm and help him work out what feeling he gets from doing this and why he thinks he might be doing it. Above all you must be friends so if you have the time and inclination I am sure it will help you both process this even if you still leave him you will understand why its been tricky for him.

OP, he will carry on deflecting and parrying your attempts at making any meaningful change.

Could you either rent a Zipvan or ask a man with a van to come and take away the three broken bikes to the dump? As a statement of your intent and a clear marker that you mean business.

I think he is/has ASD

Okay, but not sure that has anything to do with the hoarding. I have one with ASD and they are an absolute minimalist by choice.

@HoopLaLah

Yes I posted that and then there were a flurry of posts acknowledging it.

Leave him. He doesn't want to change, so he won't.

This - with my hoarding I would have someone shadow me to help me start and get stuck in as it helped me with my motivation - I would be in charge and ask them to do this and that - and I could also ask them practical questions like what to do with a zillion cables which ones are still useful.
I still every week get my cleaner to spend 30mins with me sorting things out for me to sort and since its booked in its something I commit to.

@HoopLaLah

I meant that I hadn't seen those posts yet.

Hoarding is a mental health issue. It may not be his fault he has it but it is his responsibility to seek help and a healthier way to be.
If he does not want to admit he has a problem and / or doesn't want to address it meaningfully, he needs to move out. You are not responsible for him, you and your children do not have to live like this. His behaviour is causing you distress and he should be listening to that but it sounds like he only cares about his need for "stuff" and the high he gets from acquiring and possessing these items.

Extra storage will not fix it, he will just fill it all. Gradually the stuff will encroach more and more.
Him and his stuff need to live elsewhere to give you and your children some peace and a better liveable space.

My mum was a hoarder. Any room that isn't used frequently filled with piles. Your kid goes away to camp for a week - piles begin in their room. They go to uni for a term they'll come back to find their room unusable at Xmas. If you're luckily they'll clear the bed so you can at least sleep. Hallways slowly filled too. When pressed to clear up she threw out all her own kids stuff without asking them to avoid sorting her own hoards. You can try to clear it out her stuff yourself but you'll never keep up and she'll be angry and hamper you as much as poss. It only stopped when she became disabled and couldn't physically buy stuff and carry it out of the shop. Now she's worked out online shopping... Therapy or divorce are your only options realistically. Or Could you continue the relationship living in separate houses? A bit unconventional but I do know people who live separately with an agreement that they will never move in together. It works for them.

This is very good. But be prepared not to like his choice…… and don’t back down! If he hasn’t moved stuff in that 2 weeks then it goes. You gave him notice. Your poor children deserve more. This man sadly has a mental illness and will never put you or the children before his hoarding.

You don’t need his permission or for him to understand your point of view to end it. Stop having a dialogue about it with him. Say “I don’t care what your reasons are. It’s not normal, I’m not tolerating it anymore, I can’t live with it. It’s over”. Then change the locks and book a skip. If he likes taking shit out of skips he can collect his belongings from one.

so have you replied to say. You are not listening. This is not up for debate. if the stuff does not go, then both you and the stuff are gone. You have 2 weeks.