My parter is hoarding and I’ve had enough of him, I’m not sure how to fix this!

[Rainbow03]

So long story short he moved from his house into mine with ALL is stuff as I became pregnant. His is rented out. I just want to say he is a good man but when it comes to this he is incredibly selfish.!

He has a giant shed, a garage, a large outside storage box, most the loft, his van is now a shed, half the spare room and drawers and cupboards every where stuffed full of shit so that I can’t use the house. I’ve repeatedly told him he needs to start getting rid of it because it’s not fair. I’m having to sell my stuff , I can’t store any of the kids stuff so now all the bedrooms are getting piles. He just can’t stop bringing stuff in. His face is like a child’s when he brings stuff he is so incredibly happy and it’s making me so incredibly unhappy. I want his stuff gone!!! I’m at a point in telling him that if that includes him also because he can’t be without it then so be it.

What do I do? I can’t stand all this stuff anymore, I want space, I want to store stuff. He doesn’t touch any of it, it’s just there taking room doing nothing.

Yes this, he should do this and get help for his problem.
That way you can still have a relationship with him without the resentment of him taking up all the space.

Why would you stay with someone who can afford to keep another house but uses it to store crap instead of benefiting the family?

Having lived with a person who had mental health needs and was just like an extra child (I appreciate that not everyone with MH problems is like this), I think a healthy boundary is telling them to do one.

This person has a baby on the way and several children. It’s not her grown up child. It’s another adult and his problem is his problem.

No one is ever going to thank OP for putting up with or dealing with this. It could even lead up to a bigger crisis with social workers becoming involved, or her being driven to illness etc.

OP I put up with a lot of sh1t and I was all tolerant because we should all be understanding blah blah blah. And I would say sack him off.

He doesn't. He rents it out

Op you don’t need to defend your decision, ignore anyone who thinks you should stand by him.

if he can’t see there’s a problem, he can’t change. Put your mental health first now for your children. I can’t tell you how much happier I am without clutter in my life.

Just seen your update so you'd reply

"I'm not discussing any of that - I'm telling you that xxxxx"

My DH's family have several hoarders in it.
None of them have recognised they have a serious issue and their homes are absolutely grim - chaotic, stuff everywhere and it's awful to visit them - we visit maybe once a year, for a few hours, that's it.

What this meant for my DH - he stopped inviting friends round to his house from when he was about 11 years old as he was ashamed of where he lived ........ just let that sink in. AN 11 YEAR OLD WAS ASHAMED OF WHERE HE LIVED.
He left home at 18 years old to go to uni and never moved back - he preferred to get summer / Christmas jobs in his uni city than go back to stay in his mum and dad's shitty house.

You need to decide whether you want the above for your DC and whether you can live with this. Would you like to have their friends round for tea? Would you like your friends /family to visit?
You cannot fix him. He doesn't even recognise he is ill.
I would not be able to live how you describe.
I would tell him to leave and take his stuff. Give him 4 weeks to clear it and then tell him whatever is left by a specific date will be skipped.

I can’t tell you how much happier I am without a ticking time bomb in my life.

It's definitely not your responsibility to sort his issues out, OP, you've done the right thing for you and your children.

Can you afford counselling - you might need to go to marriage guidance type counselling if he won't go on his own.
Perhaps the only way he got a positive response from his narcissistic mother was when he gifted her something. Or some other weird underlying issue that was never resolved. And probably quite a serious issue if he is this bad.
But if he is totally in denial you'll have to give up. I hope you can afford to live on your own.

I'd be concerned that when you tell him to move back to his own house, he won't take his stuff with him particularly if you continue the relationship. He could just see it as having two homes to cram with his 'finds'.

No, I know. I'm responding to the people saying he should move out with his stuff and they can stay together whilst living apart.

Then he would be keeping a separate house from the OP, they wouldn't have a normal life together as a couple, and it would be a huge financial burden on them. Just so he doesn't have to throw away his crap.

What's the point of remaining in a relationship like that?

It will only get worse and eventually out of control if he doesn't seek help for it now. Not only is it stressful living like this but it is also a health and fire hazard

I understood OP meant that He doesn't think that there is anything wrong with him. She was speaking from his point of view.

He if doesn't except help he needs to move out

She hasn't done the right thing. She hasn't done anything that will resolve the issue. She can't. She's trying to reason who's is behaving in an unreasonable way. Everyone on this thread is just wasting their time. It's sad but that's the truth of it.

Stick to your guns. He needs his own place. You are right to put your children and yourself first.

“Women are not rehab centres for broken men.“

That reminder should be added to the title of this forum.

I am you. It's hard. I've stayed and 20 years later we are still in the same position. At times he understands what he's doing, he knows he's happier without all the crap. But it's so hard to break a lifetime habit, especially when both your parents were hoarders.
If you feel like this now, it is highly unlikely to change.
I've accepted I love him enough to deal with it, but there are many days I find it very difficult. At least I know my oh is aware and does try. Yours sounds even worse.
Tbh, I would.get out whilst you can.

How will you deal with all this extra mental load and issues when your baby is born? Or if you were out of circulation yourself due to being unwell.

You need to be very clear and firm OP:

• you need to remove the items you are hoarding from my home
• you need to stop bringing more junk into the house
• you can have the shed / garage (or wherever) for your projects, but they cannot encroach outside of that space
• it's no good you saying that there's no problem. I'm telling you that there's a problem - you just can't see it.
• if you don't agree to the above then I will have to ask you to leave and take all your things with you this weekend.

Just wanted to say I feel for you, OP. ExDP was much the same. Everything had to be kept 'just to n case' and nothing could be taken to charity because he had a sentimental attachment to every single object. DM used to remove stuff when he wasn't there and if he hadn't noticed in 6 months (he never once did), she'd take it to charity. I tried absolutely everything to make him be tidier and bring less stuff into the house. It didn't work and ai don't have any answers but having been through it, I do sympathise.

The baby is now two and has lived her whole life like this.

It's a mental disorder. He needs help.

Op, assessments for children with disabilities can quickly become safeguarding assessments or be conflated with them. So I asked for a needs assessment and suddenly a social worker was checking my fridge, sitting in my house every week and looking at the children’s bedrooms.

This is common for households where there are kids on the spectrum (see Luke Clements’ research if you don’t believe me).

Having someone like this in your home could jeopardise your family.