My parter is hoarding and I’ve had enough of him, I’m not sure how to fix this!

[Rainbow03]

So long story short he moved from his house into mine with ALL is stuff as I became pregnant. His is rented out. I just want to say he is a good man but when it comes to this he is incredibly selfish.!

He has a giant shed, a garage, a large outside storage box, most the loft, his van is now a shed, half the spare room and drawers and cupboards every where stuffed full of shit so that I can’t use the house. I’ve repeatedly told him he needs to start getting rid of it because it’s not fair. I’m having to sell my stuff , I can’t store any of the kids stuff so now all the bedrooms are getting piles. He just can’t stop bringing stuff in. His face is like a child’s when he brings stuff he is so incredibly happy and it’s making me so incredibly unhappy. I want his stuff gone!!! I’m at a point in telling him that if that includes him also because he can’t be without it then so be it.

What do I do? I can’t stand all this stuff anymore, I want space, I want to store stuff. He doesn’t touch any of it, it’s just there taking room doing nothing.

You're with someone who doesn't care about you and your children. Hoarding aside, if he refuses to talk with you about your genuine concerns he is not a good father or partner. All the stuff about him giggling and squealing - he sounds like he hasn't matured beyond the age of 6.

Christ - you know NOTHING about hoarding, try having a relative that hoards EVERYTHING - we're talking cars, caravans, boxes, food, material, etc

We're talking someone who wont leave the house, because someone might come in and steal their shit, a house thats over run with rats and spiders and damp and mold - you go visit that house and equate with cancer treatment equipment

YES its an illness
NO you cannot help them if they dont want help
YES you will be frustrated - and give examples to them such as "if you broke your leg, you wouldnt try and fix it on your own, so why are you trying to fix your mental health alone?"
YES you will argue
YES it will cause you stress

I could go on...

Exactly this!

We all need a bit of support in life just with different things.

I’m a tidy person so I’m perfect for helping him with that. 😂

Glad you found what works for you. ☺️

Definitely this OP. He has to come to terms with the reason for his hoarding. There will be a subliminal back story he hasn't dealt with. Perhaps a good old chat would help.

@Zahariel a partner with cancer and all the equipment that comes with that, doesn’t mean those they live with end up in squalor. Simple as that.

He definitely needs to move out, your children cannot grow up in a hoarder house. Could he move out but you still be a couple? It is a deal breaker, I could never live with a hoarder it would be so stressful, I can’t cope with junk. But if you love him it doesn’t have to mean your relationship is completely over.

My OH has hoarding disorder (and ADHD I suspect) and it's really hard to live with. However we've just moved house and had to clear out his hoard which gave me more of an understanding of how distressed he gets when he has to sort things - it's not just laziness or stubbornness. I've been guilty in the past of judging him. I don't think he'd ever get professional help unfortunately.

It's difficult to offer advice but standing with him and helping him make decisions without losing my temper or getting impatient worked sometimes. Having another male (neighbour, friends or in law) helped a lot as well as he couldn't wriggle out of things or have a tantrum with them. However he still kept a lot of stuff I wish he hadn't and I know it will be an ongoing issue between us.
Ultimately it boils down to how much you love him. I am committed to OH and have to accept his faults as well, even if he is infuriating and makes no sense. You'll get loads and loads of replies saying bin him off, LTB he'll never change. That may be true but it's easy to type out a glib reply when it's not your life. Relationships are about compromise and it's tough sometimes. At the end of the day, it's down to how strong your relationship is.

Well he had replied as expected with all of my difficult behaviours. Telling me I’m taking my stress out on him. I’ve just said in return regardless the stuff needs to go. I’m fed up with him.

My partner is the same and it causes him great distress to get rid of things. But it’s causing me great distress hoarding everything and whose distress is less important and whose is more.

Don't get drawn into trying to counter his arguments. It doesn't actually matter why you want him to move out. Just keep repeating that living together is not currently best for you and your DC. Focus on when you want him to go and what has to go with him - be prepared to pay for a skip/skips and people to clear your loft, garage etc. You know you have to do this.

Sorry but you're a massive pushover. People already told you in your previous thread that this would happen and it was a mistake to have him move in. You ignored them. Telling him you don't like it is going to achieve nothing, you may as well tell a heroin addict you don't like them doing drugs or Liz Truss you don't think she's good at economic decisions. Nothing is going to change as a result of you saying it.

She's a hoarder herself.

And her advice is so good her long form posts on it she generated using AI.

She's just trying to defend her own addiction.

I never really looked at it like an addiction but it really feels like it. The way they change when you challenge it, the way they twist and avoid and it feels like this dirty little secret we keep hidden. The way it’s slowly creeping in, he hides stuff and lies about getting it. It’s really dirty now.

DARVO - the more you describe this man, the more unpleasant he sounds.

What a hideously manipulative post.

Do you have children?

OP says she loves her children enough to put them first. She’s clear. She doesn’t want this life for herself or her kids. She doesn’t want to make herself small, unimportant and sad and to offer up her kids’ childhood and their right to a happy, clean home as secondary to his mental illness.

No it doesn’t come down to ‘how strong your relationship is’ - it comes down to whether you’re willing to properly put your children’s happiness first. How dare you subtly put the blame on OP, and suggest that - what? She should love him enough to put him before her kids? Herself? Shame her into putting up and shutting up because that’s what a good loving Stepford does?

He is ill. He needs help. Your choice works for you, fine. If you’re that unsure of it then look to yourself, don’t try and shame other women into jumping into your crappy boat with you.

You're letting yourself get pulled into a discussion there, OP. When you say "but you can't stop bringing more in" that sounds to him like permission to carry on as he is. Sometimes you have to be a lot more direct and forceful than you are comfortable with. This is one of those times.

I would tell him to give his tenant notice as he will need to move back into his flat. That you can no longer tolerate the junk he keeps bringing home and you have no room or use for it. His behaviour is having a major impact on your lives and it has to stop. He can visit and see the children but he can’t live with you anymore. He needs to start sorting things today, starting with things in the house. The skip is being booked for 2 weeks.
And yes you are stressed…you have two children to look after and an idiot who prioritises junk out of a skip over his family’s happiness. Who wouldn’t be stressed!
I would also add that I was so very sad that he has been unable to see how miserable he has made you, and has put his junk over the family’s happiness.

I am sad because he had blamed my being un happy on me, it’s not related to his stuff it’s the fact I’m just a miserable person with difficulties. He is blameless and he is sat their at work now putting all the blame on me and feeling righteous.

Yes it’s an addiction of sorts but more properly a mental illness.

OP as others have said, you will not get ANYWHERE with discussion. He will absolutely try every trick in the book to stay in that house and carry on filling it. His brain won’t currently let him do anything else. He will also not be able to take his stuff away.

Stop discussing anything. Tell him he needs to go and stay with his parents. Then think of how you get his stuff out. I would probably look into renting a storage place for a month, and putting everything in there. It’s up to him or his parents if they continue to rent it. It gives him time to move it elsewhere if he can. Or for his toxic parents to pick up the slack.

So in his head I am the problem?

I've lived with a hoarder, and it's horrible. I know it's an illness. I know they need help to treat it, but you're allowed to choose your own and your child's wellbeing over his illness.

In my case she wouldn't listen and kept refusing to get rid of stuff. So my then partner and I (she was our flatmate) ended up getting rid of stuff that she had dumped in the communal living areas. What she kept in her room was entirely up to her, but she had piled stuff up in our room, and in the drawers under our bed. There was a storage cupboard that was overflowing because she kept throwing stuff in there. She just wouldn't listen so we took action.

Obviously she didn't like it, but we had to be firm. We also told her she had to move out because her inability to deal with it was too much.

She hasn't gotten any help for it since, she's in her own place now, but her mother regularly goes in and cleans up for her. She's amassed so much more stuff.

Hopefully this is a turning point and he will take notice and listen to you.

Yes it is an illness, but you should not suffer from it. I think it probably needs a deadline which is stuck to, no backing down, and have a plan for the consequences.

And this is what will happen with your children when they are unhappy with the fact that they have no space, can’t have friends home, object to things in their bedrooms- etc.

It is part of his illness, you won’t be able to make him see, as you can see, he’s happy to attack you in any way possible to keep his monster fed. This is why he has to go from the home. If there is ever a chance to rebuild you need iron clad boundaries. I don’t think there is though, as said before your descriptions of the Giggler/ the Squealer are the definition of the ick.

He doesn't think his hoarding is a problem. You don't have the power to make him see that. Has to come from him.

That giggling yesterday has broke the camels back. That was this little devil showing himself to me, laughing at me and my utter disparity. That yesterday has shown me something that has really got to me.