My parter is hoarding and I’ve had enough of him, I’m not sure how to fix this!

[Rainbow03]

So long story short he moved from his house into mine with ALL is stuff as I became pregnant. His is rented out. I just want to say he is a good man but when it comes to this he is incredibly selfish.!

He has a giant shed, a garage, a large outside storage box, most the loft, his van is now a shed, half the spare room and drawers and cupboards every where stuffed full of shit so that I can’t use the house. I’ve repeatedly told him he needs to start getting rid of it because it’s not fair. I’m having to sell my stuff , I can’t store any of the kids stuff so now all the bedrooms are getting piles. He just can’t stop bringing stuff in. His face is like a child’s when he brings stuff he is so incredibly happy and it’s making me so incredibly unhappy. I want his stuff gone!!! I’m at a point in telling him that if that includes him also because he can’t be without it then so be it.

What do I do? I can’t stand all this stuff anymore, I want space, I want to store stuff. He doesn’t touch any of it, it’s just there taking room doing nothing.

I would absolutely stand by him whilst he dealt with the why. I don’t give up on people who want to change and actively do something about it. I can’t help this man because there is nothing wrong with him. He has been allowed by his parents to live like this since teenager years. Everyone for one reason or another has enabled him to think he is absolutely ok.

You’re supposed to love your kids more. Don’t feel guilty about being a good mother.

I'm not sure who your are replying to there @Rainbow03
If it was me, it's not what I meant at all. You don't need to stand by him. You need support so you can put yourself and your kids first.

Rainbow

You were an ideal foil for this man having come out of an abusive marriage yourself with a form of post traumatic stress disorder. He targeted you and deliberately so, your own poor boundaries at that time came into play and that is also why you let him
into your life. You went from one abuser to another man whose hoarding issue you completely underestimated the severity of and not understanding the implications of. You need to accept that has happened and ensure this never happens again.

You need to be on your own going forward and not bring another man into their lives until you have healed properly, that could take years. Be on your own and raise your children well.

Hoarding is often a coping behaviour in response to the trauma /lasting effects of growing up in a deprived household. Mindset of 'but this might come in useful one day...'

If he can't sort it out the stuff then he needs therapy to process the past and move forward.

It feels so massive and overwhelming now, the sheer amount of things all shoved behind closed doors hiding away. Sums up the whole thing really. You’d walk into our house and wouldn’t see any issue until you open a door. Bit like him.

If the OPs partner got Cancer, and the cancer treatment equipment took up space and OP didn't like it, would you all say "dump the prick"?

Zahariel I’m beginning to think you have some serious issues of your own and I’m not sure you’re in a position to be giving useful advice.

Why do people say this when he won't discuss it at all despite OPs constant attempts
How can you work out a strategy in those circumstances?
He will not even try to discuss

This makes me so sad, I remember your post before he moved in and we explained to you this all before. How serious it is and that his stuff would not remain contained.

You issue an ultimatum that he gets his stuff out of everywhere bar his shed by X date or you will be ending the relationship.

It is the only way. Let him rent storage, hopefully he will still financially benefit from renting his home out despite the cost of storage.

He has to go. No other option protects your DC. Even if he moves out but you stay together, imagine what finding out that daddy prefers his junk to you will do to a child's self-esteem. Put them first.
You must have seen the programme Hoarders.

Why would you tell someone to stay with an alcoholic?

I realise the OP has some pretty big issues herself and she is to be commended for seeking help with them.
But from her partner's point of view, why would he take anything she says seriously. She goes round and round in circles saying the same thing and is clearly unable to really face the issue. It's terribly sad. I think anyone who read the first thread would have put a substantial amount of money on a thread like this popping up some time later and sadly I can see another one in the future where things have only got worse. I hope I'm wrong.

Im sorry to say but I am married to a hoarder and I've spent so many years crying and shouting. All the advice pages are how the last thing you must do is throw their stuff away because it is a mental health issue. The stuff they accumulate comes before everything and they get distressed if you throw the smallest thing away. It has also got worse over the years. Until he realises himself and is prepared to do something it is very hard. I wish you lots of luck and hope that maybe he realises how it is affecting you.

I have a friend whose husband is the same; when they go married, she said he could have the shed but NOTHING comes in the house. Several years later the shed is rammed but nothing comes in the house. Every couple of year, she forces him to have a car boot sale... he did try to hoard a couple of cars but the neighbours got vocal.

I think at this stage you have little option but to ask him to leave and take ALL of his stuff with him.

He has replied to my message and is just talking more shit that is absolutely fine, he can’t see an issue. We are too busy, the weather is too and to sort it out, some of it has use. But then I’ve said to him but you can’t stop bringing more in and giggling, it’s ridiculous.

Well, it certainly isn’t going to get any better, it can only get worse OP 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think the only way to be in a relationship with a hoarder is to have separate homes, he can come visit, even spend nights but he is only ever allowed to bring an overnight bag into your house.

Re the arguing / stonewalling etc

Can I give you some excellent advice I (of course) got from another mumsnetter which has massively helped us.

DH also has a tendency to try to turn things back on me so it turns the heat off him as I get distracted defending myself.

I now have a stock, solid phrase to firmly shut it down as soon as he tries it...

"we're not talking about that, we're talking about..." and then you restate your initial issue.

It's brilliant.

Ultimatums won’t work so there’s no point in doing that. You just need to get on with prioritising yourself and your children. You can have some sort of relationship with him if you want just not live with him. Even if it’s friendship. I’d bet money an ultimatum won’t work he’ll just stall and the pattern will repeat.

He's seriously ill but he has to want help. He doesn't.

I can't believe people are advising OP that she ought to stay, that is totally unrealistic. If he won't engage with support, she only going to end up enabling the problem which benefits nobody.

Also, why should OP have the responsibility of trying to fix him? He is an adult, it's his problem to solve.

Women are not rehab centres for broken men.

Why do you keep saying there's "nothing wrong with him"?? Clearly there is. Hoarding is a mental illness.
You came on here for advice years ago, you were given it - the overwhelming majority said don't move in with him. But you ignored that. Now you want more advice.
If he's not willing to get help with his problem - he needs to go. It's not fair on the children.

It causes huge distress to the hoarder when you try and throw things away. They do need therapy of some sort but until they accept that themselves it is so difficult to move forward.

You have to be clearer, OP.

"You're not listening to me. I can't live like this anymore. You need to take your stuff - all of it - and move out by X date. Otherwise I will hire a skip, chuck it out myself, and change the locks. If you could at least acknowledge that you have a problem I would help you get the mental health support you need, but you don't, so we're done."

SO whats your next plan of action OP now you have established that you want his stuff gone? Have you been to his property lately? I can imagine that if he has filled his house up then there could possibly be a public health issue. I am picturing what your house and other outbuildings must look like, it will only get worse when he realises you are throwing things away. Its yours and your children's home, they should not have to put up with it being taken over by someones obsession/mental health issue either.

You need to be firm. Simple 'No. You have an issue with hoarding you refuse to accept and I cannot live with it anymore. Please remove your stuff from my house by XXX.'