My parter is hoarding and I’ve had enough of him, I’m not sure how to fix this!

[Rainbow03]

So long story short he moved from his house into mine with ALL is stuff as I became pregnant. His is rented out. I just want to say he is a good man but when it comes to this he is incredibly selfish.!

He has a giant shed, a garage, a large outside storage box, most the loft, his van is now a shed, half the spare room and drawers and cupboards every where stuffed full of shit so that I can’t use the house. I’ve repeatedly told him he needs to start getting rid of it because it’s not fair. I’m having to sell my stuff , I can’t store any of the kids stuff so now all the bedrooms are getting piles. He just can’t stop bringing stuff in. His face is like a child’s when he brings stuff he is so incredibly happy and it’s making me so incredibly unhappy. I want his stuff gone!!! I’m at a point in telling him that if that includes him also because he can’t be without it then so be it.

What do I do? I can’t stand all this stuff anymore, I want space, I want to store stuff. He doesn’t touch any of it, it’s just there taking room doing nothing.

@Zahariel yes. And people with issues such as hoarding need to recognise that actually there is a limit that is reached by others in how much they will allow their lives, and the lives of their children, to be compromised. Why should the OP suffer?! Having a MH issue does not give you the right to force your partner to live in the chaos of your illness.
At which point would you say it is acceptable for someone to end it?! When her children's bedrooms are full and they are sleeping in the sitting room?! When they are so embarrassed they can't invited friends over?!? When they all burn to death due to the massively increased fire hazard this man is expecting his family to live with!?!
If you are so very enlightened about MH issues (and funny how you assume everyone else here is clueless....) you should know that you cannot FORCE someone to seek help and take it.

Friend of a friend is in her 60s. Her life is hell because her husband is a hoarder.
No one can visit the house because it’s stacked with stuff that’s been there years. Lots of it is rotting. ( friend was let in a year ago and she was horrified by the state of it)
She is not allowed to have anything in any space. For example she used to enjoy sewing , now if she wants to sew she has to put her sewing machine on a kitchen worktop and use it standing up….so her hobby is gone.
He refuses to get anything in the house repaired, they’ve had no central heating for two years.
There’s boxes and bags on every stair. A death trap if there was a fire.
His mental illness seems to have spread from hoarding to neglecting everything else to do with his life and controlling her to fit his hoarding. She says she’s too old to leave him and works 3 p/t jobs to pay for the electric heaters they have to use, ready meals because there’s nowhere to store food and so on.

Stop this now, give him a deadline of a month and everything has to go from the house. If it’s not done then he has to go or I think your life may well end up like Annie’s.

Make him move out. Hoarding is a mental illness, not incurable but very difficult to move.

eta: the key question is 'What is he afraid of?' Hoarding is based in fear. But he might not know what it is yet, or be ready to look at it.

It may seem selfish but I love my children more than I love him.

Good. Tell him he has to go.

Interestingly once my friend divorced her hoarder husband and he had to move out he didn't come back for his rubbish. He took maybe a car load and left the rest. Nearly a year later we are still throwing stuff away!

‘he is ruining their lives with his mental health problem’

Wow - I sure hope nobody suffering with that needs your help anytime soon

It may seem selfish but I love my children more than I love him. He deserves to get help and I would be more than happy to help him through it but I don’t think this is going to happen. He won’t admit it anything. His parents don’t like me so will be more than happy if we split. They couldn’t care less that he is struggling with this disorder and will use it to see us split. It feels hopeless.

But he’s not that extreme is he? I did say I understand how difficult it must be, but to break up and leave a partner over this, isn’t something i’d be considering

Does this not just put you off? Squealing and giggling? If anything you’d think that was the final nail in the coffin. 🤮

As have I - hence why I said ‘I understand’.

You don’t just give up on people because they have a mental illness.

yes the only reason our house isn’t worse is because I see the pizza boxes and bin them daily. Without this the house would be appalling. I enable it.

I wouldn’t have said I understand If I didn’t - so please don’t make assumptions. Yes, I would tell
someone to stay with an alcoholic if all other options had been exhausted - In this case, they really haven’t.

this he is a good dad
he ain't a good dad because he's putting his need to fill every space with crap before his child.
She'll grow up embarrassed to bring friends home and often kids who live like this become hoarders, is this the life you want for her?
Put your child before a grown man who squeals at the thrill of bringing useless crap j to your home. I've never read anything as off putting as this.

He doesn't even acknowledge that he has a problem.

And until he does, and is willing to do something about it, the OP's priority should be her children.

Does he talk about his childhood? If that's a less contentious topic than his stuff, discussing that might open his eyes and get him willing to seek help.

I thought my childhood was fine and perfectly normal until a psychiatrist I was seeing for postpartum psychosis, pstd, depression and gad started asking questions. It turns out watching your father almost bleed to death after a fight with your mother and then after he's been carted off to hospital, helping her mop the blood up off the lino is not "normal" for small children. I learnt as a child that nothing was permanent. That all "my" things were mine only as long as my mother was happy with me and as an adult, I struggle with hoarding. I also equated love with things as every time my parents fought in front of me, they'd buy me stuff afterwards to make up for it. No cuddles, no hugs, no praise... just things which were then taken away or broken if I didn't measure up in some arbitrary fashion.

However, you are absolutely entitled to your boundaries. The more I learnt about my family history, the more I realised how badly we were all damaged and breaking the cycle for my children became the most important element. That's what got me through 2 years of very difficult therapy.

If he won't engage, won't consider your perspective from any angle, can't consider the children...then you need to put them first otherwise they're being set up to have similar issues.

Sorry, but I really, really do. Please see my other replies.

You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship. Neither approach works.

This man has basically seen Ops house as a place to further hoard. The entire house would have been given over to his hoard in time too.

Op herself has poor boundaries and a previous lack of knowledge re hoarding, it’s been a very hard lesson for her to finally learn and I hope he is gone from her home asap. Op - keep up with the therapy.

Hoarding is a recognised mental health condition but one that has led to OP's home becoming unliveable for her and her children.

He doesn't recognise that he has a problem so nothing will change. In fact, it will only get worse. He is ruining their lives because of a condition that he cannot help but won't seek help for. The OP has to prioritise her two children.

The options have been exhausted for the op All of the other options require her partner to engage with. He refuses.

I never wanted to rescue him, definitely didn’t go into their relationship wanting to rescue anyone. I know I can’t rescue him which is why I’m just giving up really.

He doesn’t want help.

Obsessive hoarding is a mental health issue - not easily dealt with and not something he is doing deliberately to annoy you. Do some research and work out a strategy between you.

OP, this. THIS pp is absolutely spot on. Stop listening to and replying to Zahariel, that person is a hoarder and their comments are not only not helping you, they are undermining you.

Ignore them.

That's what I'd do. You don't have a duty to stay with him to try and help, but you do have a duty to your children.

The OP’s hoarding partner isn’t you. The OP’s partner doesn’t want to change and doesn’t want help.

That - fundamental and crucial - fact has been pointed out to you repeatedly on the thread. You keep ignoring it and and have responded with guilt-tripping hyperbole about abandoning cancer patients.

The OP doesn’t need multiple posts browbeating her into sacrificing her own and her children’s well-being for someone who does not want to change.

Edited to add: the post/quote my post was in response to, which I meant to include, has got lost somehow.

@Rainbow03 Have you engaged with any support groups for the partners of hoarders? There's lots online. You desperately need support so you can free yourself and your children from this man. He also needs support but he needs to want it which at the moment he clearly doesn't.
If you truly want support to sort this situation, ie get him and his stuff out of your and your children's home, then maybe these groups can help.