3.5 years later and he’s leaving his wife…

[Jigglytuff26]

A few years ago I had an affair with a MM. I was single, met him at a vulnerable time having escaped an abusive relationship. He supported me financially and helped me rebuild my life, and at the time I selfishly was focused on trying to survive and that’s it really. I lost everything leaving my ex and was starting from scratch. It was supposed to be an arrangement that worked for us both mutually.

We totally fell for each other. It was totally unplanned and unexpected and I was blindsided by it. I guess his wife noticed a change in him, and after nearly a year she found out. Part of me was relieved because I was finding it hard and obviously did not feel good about what I was doing. But it devastated my life. He tossed me aside like I was nothing. Said he had to stay for his kids. I was so badly affected I was hospitalised twice with severe anxiety. I had felt so deeply that he loved me so it was completely horrific. He still contacted me without her knowing from time to time despite trying to ‘reconcile’ with his wife. Mostly to say he was powerless in the situation and she was threatening to take the kids. I wasn’t the only woman he’d cheated with. He’d been doing it for years but had never been found out. He said he was very good at ‘compartmentalising’ until then, apparently.

Anyway. He stopped contacting me but continued stalking me online for over a year. I eventually confronted him. He admitted he loved me. Apologised for doing it and thought I hadn’t realised. Said he regretted marrying her. It was only for the kids. I said I had to block him and he didn’t want me to but understood. I did so but only on SM, not his phone.

So life carried on, I had been rebuilding my life and retrained in a whole new career. Rebuilt my finances after being financially abused by my ex. It’s been hell and the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I’m finally in a good place. New home, new job. Lovely housemates. I objectively know he’s been a shit. But there was not a day that went by I didn’t think of him. The whole thing was totally incongruous to who he was as a person, or thought he was, but yet he still did it. I have never been able to get my head around it.

So anyway. Over three years later and he has gotten in touch, and said they are separating. He wants to meet and I have no idea what to do. On one hand, he nearly destroyed me by doing what he did. I know objectively he is completely flawed as a person. On the other hand I have never felt for anyone the way I felt about him and it felt mutual. Aspects of his marriage seemed abusive to me and very similar to what I went through, but I’m aware I don’t know the whole picture. This is what I’ve seen - not what he told me.

I’m so torn as to whether to leave it alone or meet up and hear him out. I don’t want to compromise what I’ve built but also don’t want to regret it.

I’ve done so much work on myself to make sure I am never in a similar situation with a man again. My whole life has changed. I have sacrificed so much and had to face the abuse I suffered not just from my ex but from my childhood. I am not even the same person and usually this would mean he means nothing to me because I’ve evolved beyond it, but part of me still loves him. It’s not limerance or a trauma bond, it’s been years now, but still something I have never been able to shake despite seeing him for who he is and what he’s done.

Would appreciate thoughts. Is he just an inherently bad person? I know what I did was wrong but I did everything I could to better myself and make sure I wasn’t in that situation again. I don’t know if he’s done the same.

It isn’t at all incongruous with how he is as a person. He is a liar. He is a cheat. It isn’t any coincidence that you have or had vulnerabilities. He knows that and uses it to manipulate you. He didn’t contact you before pretending to be separating probably because he had others on the side. Now he needs a shag. Do not believe a word he says. Ever.

I'd look for building a relationship with someone else and move on

A man can seem so much more attractive when he is framed in tailored shirts, under the soft lighting of swanky bars, whisked around in 2 seater sports cars, and when he is sat next to you on a flight to dinner in Milan that you didn't have to pay for - especially when you are young, down on your luck, or struggling financially.

Its important to be honest about the lens through which you viewed things - and perhaps still do.

When dating a wealthy man, money is never a non-factor. Staying in a 5 star hotel in Barcelona is not the same as a Travelodge in Staines.

You liked it and got used to it.

You need to wean yourself off this drug. Being a kept woman didn't work out well for his wife, and being a side dish didn't end well for you either.

End this nonsense and cycle of self-destuction. Go cold Turkey and reset the system. Develop your career and self esteem. Find a man of your own age and status and build a functional life based on decency and trust. Be whole.

You’ve definitely changed but it’s clear your understanding of what constitutes a healthy, mature relationship needs to continue to evolve/heal.

When this guy contacted you, your response was to think “Wow, I wonder if he could have changed?” Whereas anyone with no emotional attachment to him takes one look at the situation and thinks, “It’s not even clear whether he’s actually separated from a long marriage with children, yet he’s already sniffing around for someone else to move on to? Nah, no way has this guy changed.”

Healthy people who know what real love is just do not leapfrog from one relationship to the next. If you can believe that they might, you need to keep working on your understandings.

Well I guess hope is the last to depart. I have blocked him but I can’t pretend it was easy and I know it should be.

This! You’re not much better than he is

Also this, and if you're not friends with his wife, how did you see first hand her abusing him?
Was this in public? An event you were all at? Did you and he get a kick out of being around each other in the wife's presence?
@Jigglytuff26

This. You sound like my ex’s new partner.

She thinks I’m awful and treats me as such, yet everything she knows about me is through him. We’ve met a handful of times at child handovers.

and everything he tells her is BS. Kicked him out when he had an affair. Have always tried to co- parent amicably but he is a nightmare.

he also gaslit and emotionally abused me throughout the relationship. Tells people I was abusive though.

OP- the kind of person who serially cheats on their partner IS an abuser. Part of their MO is to blame their victims for the fact they abused them.

I saw first hand how she spoke to him over the phone and via email and text. Maybe it was reactive abuse, who knows. I do appreciate if it were that bad he could leave, but I appreciate it is difficult with children.

I’m aware of how abusers operate because of my ex which is why it’s so confusing because I didn’t get this vibe at all and then I look objectively at his behaviours and there is no other explanation.

She needs to see you in a certain light to maintain her image of him in the same way people need to see OW in a certain light to maintain their image of their husband in order to stay with him.
so many women villainise OW and stay with their cheating husbands, because it is easier. Easier to think, I could never do that. That would never happen to me.

You did the right thing. He knows you're vulnerable so will always stroke your ego just enough to keep you interested.

sit back, watch and wait. In 6 months he will be living with another woman and in 12 months he will be texting you telling you he still thinks about you.

The more you observe the behaviour as a casually interested party, rather than someone who is emotionally involved, the more you'll see it.

Imagine you're together. You won't feel good about it, you'll have to take on the role of the wicked other woman to his wife, wicked stepmum to the kids, wonder whether to have your own kids with him and permanently be entangled and then, when you're a mum to 2x under 5s, doing everything for your kids and his, he will be cheating and saying "My wife never makes time for me, we have such a special connection, blah bah blah".

You'll be shattered, have permanently blended his kids and your kids as a family, and he will cheat. You'll be left wondering whether to forgive because its all so messy. Ex wife will be pitying you. Then when he cheats again, you'll be where she is now, wondering if he will start a new family and leaving you with kids who have 3 families - because they will be your kids siblings.

Just save yourself the time and pain.

I’m not proud of the way I spoke to my ex over phone, text and email towards the end of our relationship. He treated me like shit, gaslit me, stonewalled me, and would wind me up on purpose.

narcissists pick at people’s weak points and enjoy making people lose their temper. Often they then try to record the behaviour.

Think about the situation- to have heard her on the phone you must have been with him. And she would have known that. He probably told her a load of BS about ‘working late’ while he was shagging you. And she would’ve known that’s what he was doing as he has done it repeatedly before.

how would you react if your husband was phoning you pretending everything was ok from his girlfriend’s place?

Ah so it IS the meanie wife's fault? She's brought this on herself?
And listening to telephone calls, reading the emails she's sent, what a powerful team you and dickhead were.
You know he's probably showed your messages to other people, let his other affairs listen in to your calls?

I didn’t say it was her fault - I am clearly speaking in the abstract here. I do think it’s a double standard when people demonise OW and then stay with the husband who was the one who made vows.

But why were you listening in to phone calls and reading her emails to him?
Your judgement of her for staying with him yet after he cheated, yet starting a thread of
'I love him, I want to go back to him' is laughable.

No she didn’t know. She only knew about the women prior to me when he told her as well.

and yes I do know about reactive abuse but in these instances there was no immediate trigger for it. He didn’t show me in a ‘look how horrible my wife is kind of way’.

I mean maybe she is perfect and maybe he is just really really good at masquerading as a normal person. Maybe it’s a toxic both sides. I don’t know, it’s kind of irrelevant now. I don’t need to analyse their relationship anymore I just need to focus on what he’s done, regardless of the context.

Did I say I definitely wanted to go back to him or did I say I was considering it because unfortunately things in life aren’t always clear cut? I wasn’t deliberately listening in on his phone calls. I didn’t ask to read his messages. We’d talk about stuff and sometimes I would be there when he picked up the phone.

He’s toxic
get away from him as far as you can
There are millions of men out there .. never settle for anyone who is not going to treat you with the respect you deserve.
I sense you could be buckling ?
You might need to get therapy to help you start to love and respect yourself first. People will only treat you badly if you enable them.
LIFE IS TOO SHORT. 🫶💐

Well you shouldn't have read when he offered to show you, and you should have left the room when he was on the call, but I don't think you want to hear anything other than
'Poor you, how dreadfully you've been treated'.
And even just 'considering' going back to him, given your judgement of her for staying with him, is still reprehensible.

He’s good at manipulation and ingratiation were he places himself centre were you continue to mythologise his supposed good traits and get retain a narrative about his ex where you believe his poor me stories.

From your intense affair, He knows you. He gets you. He understands you and uses your connection to his manipulate you.

He doesn’t have your interest at heart,never will

You have blocked him,that’s for the best. Keep the fuck away from this abuser

Stop trying to understand him, you’re obsessing a little which may light a flame under the idea of him again.

There’s nothing complex about him, he’s just a cheat. If it wasn’t you it would have been someone else. Most cheaters are emotionally immature. Seek better and be wary of how much head space you are devoting to analysing this rotter.

What’s that got to do with you though? It was her marriage.

Everything you’ve said about this man is a walking red flag. You are a decade younger, you were fresh from an abusive relationship, you were vulnerable, he was shagging loads of other women as well as you, he’s stalked you online to keep you on the hook…

This is a man who gets his jollies from a vast power difference. You’re nothing more than a toy.

I can tell you’re going to message him and before you know it, you’ve taken twenty steps backwards and the rest of your life is a confusing, abusive fuck up as he plays with your head, but I still want to stress to you, likely in vain, what a bad idea that would be.

Always look forwards, not back.

I do think it’s weird generally to villainise the OW when you stay with the one who betrayed you. The person who actually owed you something and made promises. That’s not judging her for ‘staying’, per se. I didn’t even mention her specifically in that post at all.

If I had come on here for sympathy I wouldn’t have been open about the situation at all. I would have pretended I had no idea.

Yeah it’s pretty obvious op will and worrying how she still easily demonises the wife. This thread is still going which means she’s liking the ignition of it all and the indulgence.