Husband's pornography use

[Circeandthepigs]

I have strong objections regarding pornography ( abuse, harm, exploitation of women and girls) and when 5 years ago I discovered my husband used porn secretly I was completely devastated & gave him an ultimatum- he stop or I divorce him. He said he hardly used it and that it was no problem stopping. I told him my feelings about porn & was upfront that i couldn't live with a man who used it.
Ive checked in about it over the years but he's always assured me he doesn't use it anymore and he is very plausible.
Recently we went on an extended holiday together. He took his tablet for 'Google Maps' etc. Most days he opted to stay behind at our rental for a few hours by himself to 'read and chill in the garden'.
At first I didn't mind as I enjoyed time to myself on the beach etc and he'd join me later. However, I started to get a feeling, an instinct, call it intuition. I started to question what he was doing and asked if he was using the tablet for porn while I was out of the way. He was indignant and swore he never used it, in fact he hadn't even opened the tablet on the holiday.
I left it to the last day to confront him properly as I didn't want a big scene while we were away together with no way of escape!
I made him put on the tablet. I found that he had been using pornography while i was by myself on the beach. He was extremely upset and bashful but still lying. At first he said it was briefly once during the holiday, then twice ( although data evidence indicated otherwise) and that he'd not used porn since our conversation/ my ultimatum 5 years ago. Over the last few days, with my continued questioning, he's admitted he started using pornography again years ago.
He says it is a compulsion for the illicit.
I think it's the tip of the iceberg and my trust is now detonated.
I can't bear the thought that he was doing this on our holiday and gaslighting me. I can feel only contempt for him.
He says that he loves me and it would be foolish of me to leave a man who adores me.
Well I don't feel adored.
We all have free will..he can do as he chooses, but i have the right to not live with a man who chooses to use pornography. We also hardly ever have sex, although I'm attractive and keep in really good shape etc. He has never really wanted to address the lack of sex between us, it has always been me getting upset and bringing up the subject.
I feel done and finished. Unfortunately I can't move out for 12 months because my son has a year left at university and is living at home. So now I have to live alongside this man ( separate bedrooms anyway because he snores) in a way that doesn't affect my son ( I'm not going to tell my son of my plans because stability at uni is too important) or my mental health.
Has anyone in MN had to live with a husband while employing a ' grey rock' technique and come out of it successfully with their sanity intact?
Thanks you for reading to the end.

I’m feeling pretty sick at the updates . He’s a dirty creep OP he is disgusting.

Some of the responses in this thread are incredibly helpful for me and I'm hugely grateful for the support 🙏

She gave him a choice to stop watching porn or for them to separate. He chose to remain in the marriage but continued watching porn and lied to her.

Lots of things are legal but can end a marriage, e.g. cheating. The OP can set her own boundaries about what is acceptable in her marriage.

I've ignored my gut feelings about him, tried to have a happy marriage, I was desperate for it to work, but knowing what he was doing on our holiday has been the catalyst for change in me. It's really made me feel revolted and I find him revolting. He's always been a bit odd socially ( he doesn't have a single friend) but we met when i was a lone parent and he treated me so kindly. But ive always pursued everything in our marriage and he's a kind of switched off person, emotionally. It's hard to explain. He's not outwardly unkind, in fact he's very eager to please, but there are so many slightly odd things about him just under the surface. My spider senses have been tingling for some time. Thanks for listening x

Well, from further information from the OP it sounds as though he is a porn-obsessed creep. He commented on a young girl in a pop video:

"She looks okay to me. I would. Anything 16 or over is legal."

The fact that misogyny is normal really doesn't mean women should feel happy to remain in a relationship with a misogynist! It just means that, sadly, a lot of women have a smaller dating pool than they would were misogyny not so normalised.

Compromise as you can wayltch porn, just not around me. She's complaining about lack of sex, so not sure were I'm blaming the woman... most people spice it up abit

I dont really see it as often, many people masturbate daily (and those that don't need too, to destress going by this thread 😂)

I would hardly define wanking to a screen as "spicing it up a bit". OP has done quite a good job of describing how it is to be with a compulsive porn user. He is socially isolated, emotionally vacant, lacking drive and passion for life, and their sex life is non-existent due to his inability to emotionally and sexually connect with his wife. In what world is that "spicing it up a bit"?

Does anyone know a way to suggest to mumsnet a topic/board for those affected by porn/sex addiction similar to the alcohol one. So there can be a place for discussion without others that don't hold the same experience/views.

Hopefully op is getting support elsewhere as well. But these threads get hijacked so often with such unhelpful comments. which could be discussed elsewhere rather than a post where someone is looking for support for their specific situation.

I can't believe the porn apologists on this thread. It's become so normal to watch under age women being raped, strangled, gang bangs with 4 men in 1 woman, 2 penises in the ass, women prolapsing, smacked around the face... and that's the main stream stuff, go and look. All for entertainment, hey? And we're meant to just stand by and let men consume this stuff. Don't rock the boat, leave the poor menz to their porn, it's harmless.

It's not harmless. Porn addictions are ruining sex lives and self esteem.

If you have a daughter you should really have a zero tolerance view on porn, young women can't have pubic hair, are MUCH more commonly likely to do anal ass to mouth, deep throat, be strangled (hey it's normal, the girl before you did it). Chatting to my niece about it all makes me so sad for what we've created. Yes it's legal (sometimes, not withstanding the law suits against numerous main stream sites who had under age rape on their sites), but it shouldn't be legal how it currently it.

Well said

And to think that women never watch porn… really..

Your comment adds nothing to my post. I'm not here for a debate about pornography, especially from a man. My post clearly states my boundaries, not that I expect you'd care about them as you're not emotionally invested in me. However, if you've read all of my additional comments, and you're not feeling queasy and uneasy about my husband, that tells me something about you. And, if you can't offer anything helpful about how to proceed, there is no point of you here.

Hi op, hope you're doing ok today.

I'm going through a similar thing. My partner of 17 years was looking at porn and promised to stop. This was 2 years ago.

On our recent holiday I had a strange feeling things were not right.

When we returned home I searched his laptop and found I had access to his Google account activity which was from his phone.

I found nothing suspicious from the holiday time, but kept searching further and further back then found a porn website.

I checked the date and time and found it was when we were staying at his Mum's house. He was looking at it while I was in the shower and him mum in the kitchen (during the day)

I confronted him and he disclosed that he's got a porn addiction. He's been viewing a lot, and had not stopped since he claimed he had. Just got better at hiding it. But missed on this one occasion. Obviously he must've been doing on the holiday too but hidden it well. I was shocked and confused that he'd go ahead and do it in his mum's house. How pathetic and disgusting/sad is that?

I feel like my sense of our lives together has been destroyed.
I'm not sure if I'm over-reacting in being this upset?
I feel mentally destabilised by the discovery.
I'm not sure if I'll be able to stay in the relationship after so much lies and deception.

I empathise with your feelings and thoughts, he does not seem to be the same person in my eyes now after this discovery.

He has referred himself for therapy, and promised (again) that he won't do it. I find this impossible to believe. This time it feels worse and I'm shaken by the way he's lied to me.

He's a man, its not that difficult

You quite literally said their bad sex life might be because she would not "compromise."
So how is being okay with him watching porn supposed to make him want to have sex with her?
You're saying he's refusing to fuck her because she doesn't like porn?
Sure, have him watch even more porn. That should make him more interested in her.
You do realize how ridiculous that sounds, do you not?

"Spice it up" means what? Do the disgusting acts he watches in porn? Dress up like a teenager because that's what the dirty old man is apparently into?🤮

He's only signed up for therapy because you caught him. That means he's not doing it because he wants to change, but to convince you that he will change so that you'll stay.
If he really wanted to change you wouldn't have had to find him out. He'd have done it on his own.
Your gut is telling you he's not sincere. Trust your gut.
Your reaction is completely reasonable. He's deceived you for years.

It seems to me like quite a few men are claiming "I've got a porn addiction, I'm compelled to watch it" and in some cases this might be genuine but I think sometimes it's an excuse, and the reality is that they could stop but they just don't want to.

A thousand times this.

It's also "normal" for people to eat such a bad diet that it causes obesity, resulting in diabetes and heart disease. Want to look at the numbers for that?
You mean "normal" in the sense of it being common or typical, not in the sense of it being healthy.
Lots of common things are not healthy. The OP's husband admits himself his usage is compulsive.
Get a clue FFS.

I'd be delighted to point it out to you.

I think you were wrong to give him an ultimatum AND THEN just leave him to it. If he was hooked on a substance he would have to go into a program to get off it

She was wrong to "just leave him to it" obviously means she should have intervened in some way. Don't bother to lie. There's no other interpretation.

If your partner has a problem it is his/her responsibility to fix it. You are once again saying she should have intervened, putting the onus on her, right after denying you said that very thing.

You clearly do not know the meaning of the term objectify. Clue for you; it does not mean "not arranging treatment somebody who has an addiction."

Your last line, based on the attitudes you have displayed, can be translated thusly; "Women should make endless sacrifices for men and give, give, give, but men aren't even to be held responsible for their lies and broken promises. Men are helpless and need mummy to change their emotional nappies for them. If you ladies don't understand that you shouldn't be in a relationship."

Yeah, fuck a bunch of that.

Gross. He wants you to be the penis police. Don't do it. He may pretend to come to you to lull you into a false sense of security but will still be watching in secret.
It's his problem and only he can solve it. His putting the responsibility on you says he doesn't want to solve it.

There we have it. You openly admit you think it's the woman's responsibility to deal with her husband's psychological problems.

Btw, bullshit. They can and do hide it for decades. You know how? They take advantage of their partner's trust. As in the OP's case, he stays behind at the hotel to "take a nap." Or he takes his phone to the bathroom. Or he "can't sleep" or "has to finish some work" and stays up after she's in bed and does it. His partner doesn't think anything nefarious is going on because she trusts him. You know, like in a normal relationship where trust is essential? You're the one who keeps preaching about "normal" relationships, and now you are saying we should be suspicious of our partners.
Such hypocrisy.
You have set it up in your mind so that women are wrong no matter what we do. Don't trust him? You suck. Trust him? You suck. Never do you place any accountability on a man for his behavior.
The misogyny could not be more obvious.

Identical situation here - similar ages too. I knew about it 7 years ago - said he realised why I was upset and would stop. He never stopped he just doesn't know I know or how I know. I don't think guys do stop OP once they get a taste for it- they just hide it. I'm still undecided on what to do - as in all honesty if I leave I don't want another relationship- I honestly think so many blokes online habits these days are just bloody awful. If it was the 90s and they had been bringing out porn VHS tapes 5 times a week we would have thought they were just utter sleazes. Now it seems we have to 'lump it' because its 'normal' - it totally gave me the ick and he's now created a viscious circle as I don't feel like sex with someone watching this shit most days.