Husband's pornography use

[Circeandthepigs]

I have strong objections regarding pornography ( abuse, harm, exploitation of women and girls) and when 5 years ago I discovered my husband used porn secretly I was completely devastated & gave him an ultimatum- he stop or I divorce him. He said he hardly used it and that it was no problem stopping. I told him my feelings about porn & was upfront that i couldn't live with a man who used it.
Ive checked in about it over the years but he's always assured me he doesn't use it anymore and he is very plausible.
Recently we went on an extended holiday together. He took his tablet for 'Google Maps' etc. Most days he opted to stay behind at our rental for a few hours by himself to 'read and chill in the garden'.
At first I didn't mind as I enjoyed time to myself on the beach etc and he'd join me later. However, I started to get a feeling, an instinct, call it intuition. I started to question what he was doing and asked if he was using the tablet for porn while I was out of the way. He was indignant and swore he never used it, in fact he hadn't even opened the tablet on the holiday.
I left it to the last day to confront him properly as I didn't want a big scene while we were away together with no way of escape!
I made him put on the tablet. I found that he had been using pornography while i was by myself on the beach. He was extremely upset and bashful but still lying. At first he said it was briefly once during the holiday, then twice ( although data evidence indicated otherwise) and that he'd not used porn since our conversation/ my ultimatum 5 years ago. Over the last few days, with my continued questioning, he's admitted he started using pornography again years ago.
He says it is a compulsion for the illicit.
I think it's the tip of the iceberg and my trust is now detonated.
I can't bear the thought that he was doing this on our holiday and gaslighting me. I can feel only contempt for him.
He says that he loves me and it would be foolish of me to leave a man who adores me.
Well I don't feel adored.
We all have free will..he can do as he chooses, but i have the right to not live with a man who chooses to use pornography. We also hardly ever have sex, although I'm attractive and keep in really good shape etc. He has never really wanted to address the lack of sex between us, it has always been me getting upset and bringing up the subject.
I feel done and finished. Unfortunately I can't move out for 12 months because my son has a year left at university and is living at home. So now I have to live alongside this man ( separate bedrooms anyway because he snores) in a way that doesn't affect my son ( I'm not going to tell my son of my plans because stability at uni is too important) or my mental health.
Has anyone in MN had to live with a husband while employing a ' grey rock' technique and come out of it successfully with their sanity intact?
Thanks you for reading to the end.

I assure you they can hide it for decades. Combine that with societies obsession with phones are private. To snoop is to commit a very great sin against our partner in society's eyes. Society then tells women to ignore their gut feelings. That porn is "normal" "atleast he isn't cheating"
Society gaslights women into not looking listening to their gut and then blames them that they didn't know sooner.

Even the escalation in porn /sex addiction is different for every addict. Some carry on having sex with their partners. Some never develop erectile dysfunction despite decades long addiction. Some have very long addiction cycles that mean they only act out via paid in person sex once a year and spend the rest of the time planning/edging for it. Whilst some masturbate so much they have open wounds and sores on their penises.
It varies so much.
Every addict I have spoken to has been able to successfully hide it for a sustained period of time. Lots of betrayed spouses are utterly blindsided.

No? Well that's strange given that you haven't seemed to read the stats someone posted early and noticed it's actually NORMAL to watch porn and because of that people shouldn't need to sneak off to watch it if they have a NORMAL relationship with their partner where they talk about such things.

.

Why would they feel a need to hide it? Are these people largely in religious marriages or what?

And sorry I caveated this with people paying attention to their partner. That doesn't mean snooping on their phones. It means knowing who they are as a person.

Yes. And an obsessive porn user is not NORMAL. OPs DH says he has "a compulsion". He has all the hallmarks of someone who watches porn obsessively (separate room, low sex drive, commenting on visuals of young women in a sexual way). He was like this with his ex wife too who commented to OP about it.

Her DH is not NORMAL. You getting all defensive about NORMAL porn use is not really relevant.

I really hate this trying to blame women for men's behaviour.

These men hide their sexual behaviours deliberately because they know its not acceptable. They lie and gaslight. If one's romantic partner deliberately chooses to conceal part of themselves, how is it one's own fault not to know about it?

He has all the hallmarks of a compulsive porn user but you think my point about someone knowing about this if they were PAYING ATTENTION to their partner doesn't stand, and they wouldn't be able to carry on this behaviour for five years.

Ok, whatever. You obviously have extremely low standards when it comes to knowing your partner as a person.

Shame and guilt play a huge role in addiction. As well as control and compartmentalisation. Addiction is secretive by nature. Habitual pornography use typically starts around age 10 sometimes earlier as a solo pursuit. It's a break in that person's/childs reality into fantasy, it's exciting, its a secret. It gives them a way to cope in life. The more they depend on it the more they fear losing it.

In the US yes it's more common for religion to also factor in but not the sole reason behind hiding it. In UK typically religion doesn't factor at all for most of the men and women I see.

Nobody is doing that

You are however not crediting women with the ability to actually pay attention to the behaviour of the person they're in a relationship with. We are not all helpless victims.

And can they break out of this habitual addiction, or is it permanent?

Surely their partner giving an ultimatum would likely push them further into this compulsion?

I'm so sorry you're going through this op. It is horrendous. I am really pleased to see your strong boundaries though.

Here are some resources for you to look at if you wish. need.

Support for you
Love after porn on reddit is a great group you can find wonderful support from women going through all the same things.
Human navigating betrayal on facebook

Helping couples heal podcast
Pbse podcast
Choose to be podcast
Dr Omar minwhallas secret sexual basement and integrity abuse
The laurel centre
The naked truth project
You will need a betrayal trauma therapist not any therapist will understand this.

For your partner (if you wish to pass on information/he is in a place to be open to it. Its absolutely not your responsibility to.

He needs a csat/apsat/atsac no other therapist will understand.
12 step can only take them so far he needs to do a integrity recovery.
Pbse podcast
Your brain on porn book/ website
We reccomend a full 130 days no porn masturbation sex social media TV detox
Omar minwhalla secret sexual basement and integrity abuse.

Oh my god that is a massive penny dropping moment for me! Thank you for sharing that

Bollocks. My ExH was a porn addict. I had no idea, but once I discovered it, it all made sense.

He had ED, which I believed was caused by a medical condition he had. Turns out it was because he was wanking for hours every day. Whenever I tried to talk about the ED with him he’d say I was “putting pressure” on him. I learned to keep my mouth shut.

I actually thought my Ex was a massive prude. He wouldn’t even talk about sex and if I tried to explain my needs he’d look at me like I was some kind of harlot. So it was an enormous shock when I found out he was a porn addict, and that his porn use had escalated into real life. He was shagging other women, but couldn’t get it up for me.

His justification was that there was something wrong with me sexually, and I wasn’t ‘normal’. He’d reached this conclusion because I didn’t scream during sex and orgasm loudly. (I would purposely try to keep the noise down because I didn’t want our teenagers hearing - pretty normal I’d guess?) I also wouldn’t have anal sex (that was a boundary of mine after I was anally raped when I was young). I didn’t orgasm from having my nipples touched. (Who does???) I couldn’t take his entire large penis right down into my throat. The list of my sexual failings went on and on.

In a nutshell, he genuinely believed that porn sex was real, and I didn’t measure up. So he was perfectly entitled to meet women in hotel rooms and truss them up with cable ties while he performed revolting acts on them. It was all my fault.

I'm not interested in a perspective that women somehow are responsible for abuse that happens to them. So I won't be conversing more with you.

they really get in your head don't they?

I didn’t scream during sex and orgasm loudly. (I would purposely try to keep the noise down because I didn’t want our teenagers hearing - pretty normal I’d guess?) I also wouldn’t have anal sex (that was a boundary of mine after I was anally raped when I was young). I didn’t orgasm from having my nipples touched. (Who does???) I couldn’t take his entire large penis right down into my throat.

I completely identify with this - the constant commentary about prudishness. It stays with you. I feel damaged by it. You can stop justifying why you didn't want certain types of sex. You just didn't, that's OK. You are right of course that most women wouldn't want that. But that's not the important thing. The important thing is you didn't want it and he didn't care.

for you. I found threads like this helpful when I didn't want to talk to anyone irl, I hope the women sharing experiences on here will be helpful to other lurkers and readers in future

Absolutely they can but they do need the right tools support and the drive to do it. It's actually considered one of the harder addiction to be in recovery from. Sex addiction like food addiction is a processing disorder in that to some degree you still have to interact with what can be very triggering aspects. More so than a alcoholic who can purely abstain from alcohol altogether. Say for example an erection/having sex with their partner or sexualised content on tv/movies. That has to be managed.

I know very successful recovering addicts who have decades of sobriety now. Stephen Moore and Mark kastleman run a very successful podcast and program called dare to connect that help addicts as well as in person therapy. They themselves are recovering addicts.

Without the right tools and support just "white knuckling" yes being exposed can trigger the addiction cycle after all it is a coping mechanism to not deal with hard uncomfortable feelings. But it can also open up the road to recovery. Many addicts actually want to be found out the longer it goes on. They want to stop. I know addicts who also decide to stop of their own accord, get the right support in place for them and their partner and do a full therapeutic disclosure. I believe Chris Jones from the naked truth project did exactly that.

It is never the responsibility of the partner to be inauthentic to themselves and their boundaries to protect or try to control the addict or addiction. We all have a responsibility to ourselves.To keep ourselves safe. That isn't always easy to do but fearing someone might go further into addiction whilst a valid concern should never stop someone honouring themselves and what they need from a relationship.

The addiction is always the responsibility of the addict.

You're welcome. I'm really pleased it's being discussed more. Whilst very sad so many are going through this.

He says that he loves me and it would be foolish of me to leave a man who adores me.

Yet he broke your deal breaker.

Interesting how he's calling you foolish.

Is he not foolish for pretending to accept a deal breaker and then breaking it, and not being good enough at hiding it not to get caught.

Why are you "foolish" for ending a relationship over something you said you'd end a relationship over.

OPs DH says he has "a compulsion

Excuse.

Why do you believe the excuses of a liar who's afraid he's going to be dumped.

@FiddlyDiddlyDee It sounds like perhaps you have a personal example of helping a partner with an addiction. I for one would be interested to hear your story if you felt like sharing. You might well be a strong person in this area. But I do think it's unfair to imply that the OP is doing the wrong thing if she chooses not to go down the road of trying to work together with him on examining his porn habit.

I won’t tolerate gambling in my marriage. If my DH overstepped my boundary by going behind my back and lying about it, you bet it’d end our marriage. I bet I wouldn’t get the same responses and blame OP has got on this thread either.

Did you even read the op?!!!

I feel very sorry for all these people who think they need porn.

I'm so sorry.

I’ve always hated it🙃 it’s disgusting!! I recently caught mine cheating and he was recording sleeping w the ow! I hate hate hate anything to do w videos, porn and sex now lol

Well done OP on having strong morals and boundaries.
I know we want to believe and it’s not your fault he’s a Lier but men who use porn never give it up I believe .

Sounds pretty easy for you to love separately. You already have separate rooms and hardly have sex( now you know why )
You have a year to separate finances get a lawyer sort a divorce . Spend your time
on you .

He can have his porn and as much play time as he likes alone now can’t he . Pretty sad.
please don’t take it personally as it’s not reflection on you Only him.