Husband's pornography use

[Circeandthepigs]

I have strong objections regarding pornography ( abuse, harm, exploitation of women and girls) and when 5 years ago I discovered my husband used porn secretly I was completely devastated & gave him an ultimatum- he stop or I divorce him. He said he hardly used it and that it was no problem stopping. I told him my feelings about porn & was upfront that i couldn't live with a man who used it.
Ive checked in about it over the years but he's always assured me he doesn't use it anymore and he is very plausible.
Recently we went on an extended holiday together. He took his tablet for 'Google Maps' etc. Most days he opted to stay behind at our rental for a few hours by himself to 'read and chill in the garden'.
At first I didn't mind as I enjoyed time to myself on the beach etc and he'd join me later. However, I started to get a feeling, an instinct, call it intuition. I started to question what he was doing and asked if he was using the tablet for porn while I was out of the way. He was indignant and swore he never used it, in fact he hadn't even opened the tablet on the holiday.
I left it to the last day to confront him properly as I didn't want a big scene while we were away together with no way of escape!
I made him put on the tablet. I found that he had been using pornography while i was by myself on the beach. He was extremely upset and bashful but still lying. At first he said it was briefly once during the holiday, then twice ( although data evidence indicated otherwise) and that he'd not used porn since our conversation/ my ultimatum 5 years ago. Over the last few days, with my continued questioning, he's admitted he started using pornography again years ago.
He says it is a compulsion for the illicit.
I think it's the tip of the iceberg and my trust is now detonated.
I can't bear the thought that he was doing this on our holiday and gaslighting me. I can feel only contempt for him.
He says that he loves me and it would be foolish of me to leave a man who adores me.
Well I don't feel adored.
We all have free will..he can do as he chooses, but i have the right to not live with a man who chooses to use pornography. We also hardly ever have sex, although I'm attractive and keep in really good shape etc. He has never really wanted to address the lack of sex between us, it has always been me getting upset and bringing up the subject.
I feel done and finished. Unfortunately I can't move out for 12 months because my son has a year left at university and is living at home. So now I have to live alongside this man ( separate bedrooms anyway because he snores) in a way that doesn't affect my son ( I'm not going to tell my son of my plans because stability at uni is too important) or my mental health.
Has anyone in MN had to live with a husband while employing a ' grey rock' technique and come out of it successfully with their sanity intact?
Thanks you for reading to the end.

Did you not even read her posts? He won't have sex with her. He spent hours using porn in a hotel room while on vacation rather than enjoy their vacation together.
He is very obviously obsessive and has admitted it is a compulsion.
You couldn't be more off the mark than if you fired an arrow blindfolded.
None of that behaviour is normal. Lying for years on end is not normal either.

HE ruined the relationship because he was lying!!!!!!!!! Far out, talk about being….actually no words.

Your DH. If you told him taking cocaine would be a dealbreaker in your marriage, but he did it anyway and lied, would you be so forgiving? Or using escorts, if you told him that was a dealbreaker but he did it anyway, would you be so forgiving? It’s not bout the porn love, it’s the lies and overstepping boundaries.

OP if you’re going to be living in the same house for a year, I think compartmentalization and focusing on the future are probably the keys to doing so successfully. Hopefully, working as an abuse counselor you have pretty advanced skills in compartmentalization. If not, you could try developing them, though I’m not sure something as all encompassing as your home life is a good place to do that.

Plan plenty of time with friends or on a hobby out of the house to make sure you have positive things happening in your life.

And find a place(s) to vent all that compartmentalised stress from being around him and unable to get away.

But I think it’s important you also have a plan B in your back pocket. Do you intend telling him you’re breaking up before the year is up? Not doing so seems pretty unethical - especially since dishonesty is a deal breaker for you. And making preparations in secret could be really difficult and make grey rocking him harder. But if you’re going to tell him I think you should expect his deception over his sexual appetites to fall by the wayside and that may be really uncomfortable for you - if he no longer keeps his porn watching secret, for instance, or he starts bringing other women home. It could get pretty nasty.

How hard would it be to move out? If you’ve been together for 16 years, your son must have been really young when he came on the scene. Do they have a good relationship? Would STBX likely let DS stay even if you move out? If not - do you have an idea of what you’ll do when you move out? Is a flat that he could also stay in, near his studies, even temporarily, out of the question? Does he have access to accommodation via uni if it comes to it?

This
Porn isn't real sex

I think you were wrong to give him an ultimatum AND THEN just leave him to it. If he was hooked on a substance he would have to go into a program to get off it. No different with porn. Should have been in therapy to explore his sexuality. Porn is pushed onto men from an early age. The root cause has to be explored and understood. Why is it you didn't read up on this and understand it if it's such a big issue for you?

Doesn't sound like much of a relationship in all honesty. Just sounds like you both think the opposite sex is some kind of object,.

You are absolutely in the right, OP. Porn is cheating. It is attaining sexual gratification outside of the relationship, which is the very definition of cheating. And for all the women out there who think all men watch porn, no, they don't. My dh doesn't and we've been happily married for almost 40 years. I have complete access to all of his electronics at all times, as he does mine, and neither of us would even consider disrespecting the other or our marriage in that way.

You set boundaries and he couldn't meet them,OP. Instead he lied. You have every right to bin him forthwith.

It's her responsibility to get him to go to therapy because....?
Oh, right, because he needs his mummy to do that for him. Women have to take responsibility for men's problems, seeing as they are completely helpless. Right?

You're conveniently ignoring the fact that he told her it was only occasional use and was no problem to stop
To quote OP; He said he hardly used it and that it was no problem stopping. She had no reason to think he needed therapy in order to stop, and that's because he lied. Yet you blame the OP.

How on earth can you justify saying she treated him as an object? You're just looking for a way to blame the woman for a man being a dick.
The depths of illogic which male bullshit enablers sink to never ceases to astound me.

This has got to be the biggest load of bollocks I have ever read in my life.

He's happy in his fantasy life but a total damp squib sexually in reality.
You know the signs were there from early on. Doesn't sound like you need to change much while you sit out the year, I'm sure it won't be hard to avoid him.

@CuriousGeorge80 Definitely bollocks!

OfCom report 98% of UK men use porn.

You are being naive and unrealistic and trying to impose your values on him.

This is your right. But you need to make your decision based on reality.

Maybe OP would prefer to be with no man than one who uses porn. Your statistics are questionable. Nobody knows the true number of people who use porn because one source will say 48% of men while another says 98%. But who gives a shit anyway, we don’t actually have to have a man in our lives!

She didn’t impose her values on him, she simply told him she won’t be with someone who used porn. He used it regardless. Therefore she is now choosing to not be with him.

Maybe AI

Why the fuck is it down to OP to do this? He’s a fully grown, adult man. The onus is on him if he’s made promises. Jesus, the internalised misogyny ingrained in so many women is depressing.

Great advice. Picture how you want your life to be and aim all your efforts towards it.

Day to day engagement with STBX as indifferent as possible, a quiet fade, reverse gently out of the relationship if that's possible. If you already have no physical relationship that should make things a lot less combative.

It's concerning that a lot of posters don't seem to understand the issue here. So many apologists and people not understanding respect for boundaries in a relationship and then attaching blame to OP for maintaining her boundaries.

The best line in this is that men “need” porn! Hilarious! No man wanked pre the porn industry, because they just couldn’t, it wasn’t possible.

and in answer to you question about your mother, yes she is grubby.

As Larkin said "Sexual intercourse began
In nineteen sixty-three
(which was rather late for me) -
Between the end of the "Chatterley" ban
And the Beatles' first LP."

According to some posters on here, male masturbation began at around the same time.....

Point out where I said that she had to get him into therapy

If your parter has a problem do you just tell them to fix it and it magically fixes itself? Naive at best to think that someone is going to just stop an addictive pattern.

And yes it is treating people like objects if you can't even understand something as basic as this. I do wonder why some people on here get in to relationships let alone marry when they think only about what benefits do I get and not also about how do I give to this person.

It's down to OP to have a basic understanding of their partners behaviour. Somebody can't hide a porn addiction for 5 years IF their partner is actually paying attention to them. This isn't that hard to grasp is it.

Last night he said to me that every time he feels he wants to use porn he'll come and tell me and my disapproval..telling him not to do it..will be enough to prevent him.
I honestly can't even begin to put down in words how gobsmacked I am by this. I can't even find the words.

Well you don't know what you are talking about.

Yes they can. (Personal experience sadly). They can say they need less sleep than their partner or they want time at night to "watch a TV show you won't like" and spend the time wanking. They can spend the time you spend on Mumsnet and browsing Insta or whatever looking at porn. They can get a hobby that requires them to be out of the house and say they are doing the hobby, but instead go somewhere to watch porn or worse. They watch it on the toilet, while the kettle is boiling, on the train etc.

Then they also have the "legitimate" porn watching that you know about that they claim is because you are "too vanilla" or don't want as much sex as them.

@Circeandthepigs Really sorry to hear that. He's still putting so much of this on you, like you're supposed to police him. It's a pity he didn't think years ago "every time I feel like watching porn, I'll remember that I don't want to lie to my partner and break her trust and cross the boundary that I agreed to, so I'll make my own independent decision not to do it."

You aren't his mum and it's not your problem to solve. I'd suggest you say to him if it's an addiction he needs the right expert treatment and what is he doing to get that treatment?

I'm so sorry op even reading that is creeping me out because I remember the claustrophobia of being forced to discuss his "problem" that I actually just wanted out of my life. I'd highly recommend you get a counsellor to support you in defining and sticking to your boundaries around this.

I don't even think this guy is addicted. I think he just likes porn and doesn't value honesty or respect for his partner highly enough.

This is a great post.
catseye can I also suggest you watch "hot girls wanted" on Netflix to see the reality of how female performers find the industry? Having been lured in by the narrative you've just repeated about money and fame, the reality is very different.