Co-habiting seperation and house sale...am I just being resentful?

[Shoulditbe]

Hi all, I am desperately reaching out for some advice. I will try to keep it short, my partner and I have lived together for 5 years, we move LA and looked for a family home together, she paid the deposit and mortgage in her name as i was not in a position to. I have 4 children she has non, 3 lived with us. We renovated the home as intended, she paid for large expense ie. kitchen, bathroom and I smaller electrics, plastering, painting etc but all of the internal fixtures and fittings etc. We split bills 50/50 and mortgage. I have a disability and was unwell at some periods and for a few months did not contribute to home. She paid for nothing towards the children and not involved in any parenting (her choice), school runs etc.
Due to challenges we decided to seperate living, I have had to seek support from council as could not get rental deposite despite having a good income. I have had to set up this home from scratch. Partner is selling the home and buying smaller home as this was our family home. However does not want to give me anything/ very little from the home. Intends to take deposit put in (fair), and 11k she says kitchen cost and 6k bathroom (these were not soley her costs), then split the remainder which is about 5k each however says I owe her that for money borrowed, missed bills payments etc.

It feels really heavy and unfair that I am being left with nothing and maybe I am just resenting her being able to sort herself out. Yes she is better off than me financially as I have been a single parent to 4 children, I have not been able to access any help due to being a houshold income. Legally I don't think I have a leg to stand on but I have put thousands into the house which I can evidence. It feels so unfair but I can't even think what I would think is fair. Perhaps her to take the deposit and cost of kitchen units etc then split the remainder. I feel I have lost so much already and just feel so sad this is happening and she cannot see how I feel.
Any thoughts or advice be really great.x

Do you have evidence of your mortgage contributions and your contribution to the kitchen, bathroom and other renovations?

You may be able to make a claim for these.

Yes they are all on banks statements.But I think it will end up being nasty as no real law about it, really wanted to avoid that. I just wanted to feel respected and cared about, my youngest has no contact with her father, my partner has been in her life since she was 2 so it makes me feel so sad she does not want her to be more provided for and us just left to struggle knowing I inevested in the home as our family home we brought to renovate together.

You state she paid the bulk of major renovations, you also didn't contribute some months. How many years have you lived together in this house?. Also if bills 50/50 but only you had kids that's not really fair anyway. Based on all you say I think walking away with nothing is fair

Your payments for renovations buys you a financial interest in the property. Take proper legal advice from a solicitor or direct access barrister.

To be honest, it sounds like things were more in your favour. 50% of bills when you had 3 kids living in the property as well. Was the food bill 50/50? Did you pay half the mortgage payments? Again, with 3 kids in the house that's extra bedrooms needed so if you paid 50% of the mortgage, that value is not inline with how many rooms you needed for your kids.

At the end of the day, if you rented with your kids then amount of rent you would have had to pay plus full bills and food, would have cost you a lot more than living in a purchased home that your partner bought and paid 50% of bills and mortgage for.

Unless the amount your paid into the house was more than your partner had to cover when you were ill, then I can't see how you are owed anything.

I agree with @mitogoshigg in moral terms

She bought the house, paid for all major expenses and paid for 50% of bills (when she wasn't covering them all) when there were 4 of you and 1 of her.

Unless there is a bit of a drip feed coming, I wouldn't want to give you much either. I suspect if you hadn't moved in with her and had to cover yours (and your kids) whole living costs during that time you would have been much worse off than you have been during the course of the relationship. Have you actually worked this out - it might help frame your thinking as to whether you are better or worse off.

I am sure she doesn't want to see your children disadvantaged, but ultimately they are your (and their mother's) responsibility to provide for. I'd say she has supported them enough (and sometimes more than you in recent years it appears). I don't mean to be unkind, but perhaps its time for you to look at this and what she has done for you. The relationship has ended and with it, her ongoing obligations to you and your children I am afraid.

However, if it is something you feel you should pursue, then speak with a solicitor and see what you can claim.

She subsidised you and your children - there were 4 of you and one of her and bills were split 50-50, but some months you didn't pay at all.

I think if she gives you anything, that's a blessing. Don't waste money/time with a solicitor. If you know the reno costs you paid, perhaps attempt to list those out, but if they are covered by the £5k I think you need to just consider that you paid bargain rent for you and your kids while you lived there.

I think this is the problem that is a tricky one. In my opinion if you move in as a family you share that responsibility. She has alot more disposable income than me as I had the kids to pay for they don't have a father doing that. Despite working if I lived alone I would be entitled to support to top up through benefits but as it's household income couldn't claim that as classed that all adults should share responsibility.

Yes I didn't contribute 2 months the rest of the time I paid half. I paid for family days out, family holidays, meals, all cleaning products, all decor and fixtures and fittings, furniture, white goods etc. So yes taken alot of that with me but left things for her so she has something to use!
Renovations as I say yes she paid the large upfront ie. Kitchen purchase but paid all electrics, tiles, plastering etc. So alot more than 2 months bills.
I guess what it comes down to is what people think should be the divide in step house holds. Which is very divided I think with people and largely comes down to incomes. We purchased the home as a family home for us to renovate.

We haven't seperate we have just separated living together as my children found her very difficult to live with. Before we decided to get that home she lived with me in my home for 18 months and paid nothing.
I am the children's mother and I think its a little unfair to say I did not support my children. I may have not paid into the bills 2 months due to my disability other things I had to cover but there is alot more to raising children than the financial and for me if you ask to live with someone and the children as a family then those responsibilities are there through good and bad. Had it been the other way I would have covered it.
But yes I potentially do need to look at things from a different perspective hence putting it on here for people's thoughts.

But I would not have paid into renovations if it was a rental that I was not going to get money out of. It was always a joint venture.
Out of the 5k she wants to keep for money I owe re the bills not paid.
I paid for example 1800 on built in wardrobes all these add value.

No, it doesn’t work like that. The children have 2 parents, none of which are her. Moving in with your partner does not legally or morally mean that they are now responsible for your children in any way at all, especially financially. You landed on your feet with her, the relationship is now over which is very sad, but it seems like you’re trying to screw her over on her previous kindness now. The mortgage is in her name, she made most of the payments, she paid for most of the renovations (assuming it was expanded so much to accommodate YOUR many children), and she’s paid more than her fair share of the costs and bills. You cannot use the ‘well I had to stay home and take care of the children which affected my earning power’ excuse when none of the children are hers. She’s also suffered financially by taking on a partner who couldn’t work to take care of children who had nothing to do with her, she’d have been far better off finding a partner with no children and a proper job

@Shoulditbe if you only didn’t pay for two months, plus she didn’t contribute when at your house it sounds like there is an imbalance. Depends if you can have that conversation …

This. Actually imagine if this was a man with sole custody of 4 children posting that he’d met a woman, moved his 4 children into a house that she’d had to get a lone mortgage on and paid the whole deposit for because he was skint. She’d paid to expand and renovate the house, paid for most of the mortgage, covered most of the bills for him and his 4 children. And now they’ve broken up he wants to screw her out of the paltry amount he’s put in ‘coz she let the kids move in so she should pay for them now, innit’. Of course he’d have that view as it’s not him having to pay it. The op would have been called a cock lodger, torn apart and told he saw that poor woman coming

I think you may have responded to the wrong post as non of what you have commented on it factual in my case or anything I have said.
I have always worked full time have a good job and not a stay at home parent.
The house was purchased as a family home for us together.
My children do not have 2 parents.
This is about me paying into renovations to home that has increased in value.
She has not had financial responsibility for my children this is solely the bills in the home and mortgage.
So I really don't appreciate your rudeness or inaccuracies. Perhaps you need to be more careful of your information before replying in such an aggressive tone

It sounds like after the deposit there will be 22k equity left.

As you have evidence of the money you put into the home, can you also calculate how much she put in and work out the % split of the 22k from there.

Then speak with a solicitor to see what the likely costs of action would be, and if it’s worth pursuing.

if legal action is going to cost 2.5k, but you’re only entitled to 10% (2.2k) then its not worth it.

The sad reality is that the renovations may have cost more than the equity increase so you both may be getting back less than you've put in.

This. Leaving aside the morality of it, financially I don't think 'your' money is reflected in the equity.

You work full time and have a full time job, but you couldn’t go on the mortgage, couldn’t pay any of the deposit, you missed payments because you were sick and disabled, you now cannot afford to rent a house. And you say in your op your issue is that ‘she can sort herself out but you can’t’. She can sort herself out as she remained financially responsible and tried to make wise life choices. She didn’t bang out 4 kids and then spend 5 years sponging off someone. Why after all this time are you so badly off that you cannot help yourself?

It amazes me people have such strong and odd views on this. Anyone I have ever known male and female in co habiting relationships with one side having children have split 50/50.
The rest of your comments i think you have really twisted out of context. I paid for all holidays, all meals out for US ALL, everything else for my children food, clothing, trips, presents etc. I maintained all of the home aswell as worked full time did all cooking, cleaning etc. So your really summarising/ twisting to suit your judgement

It sounds like the house and mortgage were fully in her name, so you're not legally entitled to anything.

If she was paying 50% of the bills and mortgage then she was heavily subsidising your children for several years.

From a legal perspective it's similar to you paying rent to live in her home.

You're not entitled to walk away with a chunk of that just because you have children that we're not hers and you were not married.

Surely you enjoyed a much better standard of living whilst in her home than you would have otherwise?

People seem to be taking that view and that may be so. However aside from bills and mortgage i paid for everything so I don't view it like that. I paid all holidays, meals out, day trips etc etc

Op is female

We are still together. The difficulty is having the conversations that come to an agreement. I'm trying to look at it from other perspectives. It just think isn't clear cut.

Well seeing as 4 of the 5 people going on holiday and for day trips and meals out are you and your own children, I do not see that as equal at all. OP is ONE person, you wouldn’t have spent much less if she didn’t accompany you.

What is it that you want the outcome to be OP?