Co-habiting seperation and house sale...am I just being resentful?

[Shoulditbe]

Hi all, I am desperately reaching out for some advice. I will try to keep it short, my partner and I have lived together for 5 years, we move LA and looked for a family home together, she paid the deposit and mortgage in her name as i was not in a position to. I have 4 children she has non, 3 lived with us. We renovated the home as intended, she paid for large expense ie. kitchen, bathroom and I smaller electrics, plastering, painting etc but all of the internal fixtures and fittings etc. We split bills 50/50 and mortgage. I have a disability and was unwell at some periods and for a few months did not contribute to home. She paid for nothing towards the children and not involved in any parenting (her choice), school runs etc.
Due to challenges we decided to seperate living, I have had to seek support from council as could not get rental deposite despite having a good income. I have had to set up this home from scratch. Partner is selling the home and buying smaller home as this was our family home. However does not want to give me anything/ very little from the home. Intends to take deposit put in (fair), and 11k she says kitchen cost and 6k bathroom (these were not soley her costs), then split the remainder which is about 5k each however says I owe her that for money borrowed, missed bills payments etc.

It feels really heavy and unfair that I am being left with nothing and maybe I am just resenting her being able to sort herself out. Yes she is better off than me financially as I have been a single parent to 4 children, I have not been able to access any help due to being a houshold income. Legally I don't think I have a leg to stand on but I have put thousands into the house which I can evidence. It feels so unfair but I can't even think what I would think is fair. Perhaps her to take the deposit and cost of kitchen units etc then split the remainder. I feel I have lost so much already and just feel so sad this is happening and she cannot see how I feel.
Any thoughts or advice be really great.x

I don't think anyone can blame you for wanting to make your house and your children's house a home.

Thankyou. Yes I have i would agree with that. I need to be more aware of this.
Yes that is what she agreed but has since said she wants to take the 2 months I didn't pay due to disability and on stat sick pay off. So it is just reducing all the time.
I really didn't expect back what I put in. Just to feel respected I guess and not hung out to dry to sort herself and her new larger mortgage. But I think that is my mistake.

?

Unfortunately yes you are at risk in this situation when you move in to a house owned by someone your in a relationship with.

The half of the mortgage could be classed rent and house keeping money, like you would in any other place that you paid rent and then paid for' your bills on top. Even if you are renting and do some renovations you know its still not your house and the landlord doesn't have to give you anything back.

Did you talk properly about finances before you moved in or did go over how things would work if you split? Because putting you on the mortgage would of been an option but she obviously decided not to.

She's being selfish. Send her your calculations that show how much you put into the built in wardrobes, paint etc. Stand up for yourself.

We did but not in depth enough. She just always said she wouldn't screw me over or see me short of what I put in. But perhaps she didn't see this happening either as it wasn't the original plan as I say. Its just very hard as I have had to set up a new home from scratch carpets, decor etc which is costly. I just feel she's offered me no support with that and watched me suffer a bit. For example I still haven't been able to afford an oven (have air fryer and microwave etc) as only moved in last month had to get carpets and blinds. So I think its more maybe about valuing me and I just wouldn't have behaved the same but I realise it's my error in doing such financial commitments I should have just saved that money for myself and let her renovate the home but that's not what we agreed on or the plan going forward.

Op, whatever happens now, don't be so generous. Make her pay her share of holidays, meal, days out etc.

Yes I have started to do that..it just sits so uncomfortably.with me, I find it quite embarrassing splitting in that way ie. We al went to dinner for my daughters birthday and I had to ask her if she wanted to come and say she would need to get her own food and drinks..it's just not who I am but I've had to now.

But OP this is only going to get worse. Your life is going to be totally different to hers from now on. If you think that now she'll sit by and watch you struggle to buy an oven, then it's likely that she's going to continue to watch you really struggle for most things.
Like in the way that I don't tend to have very well off friends (resentment, pressure to match their lifestyle) I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone much better off than I am. What are you going to do together? Or will she come and slum it at yours rent free (when she's lonely) and then swan off to her chic apartment?

'and was unwell at some periods and for a few months did not contribute to home.'
'however says I owe her that for money borrowed, missed bills payments etc.'

from your opening post, I would say she is being very fair.

and I too would not have been paying for your children.

and she is giving you £5, 000 ?

I would say she has kept to her word and not ripped you off

I gather you have managed to rent a social housing property to live in with your children, hence the no white goods / blinds or carpet in the property.

tho you are still in a relationship with your partner ?

If nothing else this made me laugh 😃 thankyou. I know it seems a stretch and to complex to explain and yes it may not work..but we have been together a long time, I don't want another loss right now and it's company that's easy in some ways as other than work and kids i don't do anything else. So odd cinema trip etc . Things will settle in my life as the kids get older and my money will be my own...i won't know what to do with it! But yes who knows maybe it won't work. I have a feeling she will continue to want or need more than I can give her but time will tell. For now she comes over a few times a week and I cook for her etc..so yes probably

i think it’s a lesson learned although you have a council house so hopefully that gives you longterm stability.

and I guess if you think she’s being harsh you need to revaluate your relationship.

OP you seem to be getting a lot of flak, and although legally I don’t think you are entitled to anything, I do see your side and wanted to show support.

I too ran a house as a single mother and now for years with a partner, and it’s absolutely wayyyy more expensive to add another adult, even if you don’t have a house that needs renovation (which we are also currently doing!) I do think you’d have been better off financially alone, in rented accommodation.

The 18 months she lived with you rent free is what enabled her to have the deposit money, and it depends on the area, but even if she had bought a one bed, I doubt her mortgage alone would have been less than 50% of the current mortgage.

I would reevaluate the value (clearly she’s not financially generous, she not physically helpful even while you were sick, she doesn’t even provide friendship to the children?) this relationship brings you long term, though

Yes I have been given a council property which I'm thankful for as I didn't have rental deposit before house sale , although my partner could have helped but I didn't ask.
Yes we are still together.
There's alot more to it which you may have read on the other posts or maybe not but it's not as simple as perhaps my original post i just hadn't realised without having to divulge all my personal life It would recieve such horrendous comments where I have basically being accused as free rider who should be grateful which is so far from the truth.
However it has helped bring some clarity to some things
No she initially said 5k but now wants the money for the missed months out of It

Thankyou for this, your kindness and understanding. I really appreciate this as I have felt quite attacked and confused over the comments and false information.
Legally I understand the situation. I also do not want to go through that as we are still together and this disagreement in itself is hard enough.
No this is the reason my eldest children started to resent her because of how she was when I was ill and they were doing alot to help me. However I think my partner just struggles emotionally and just isn't the same type of person as I am in respect of empathy.

I've just come out of a 25 year relationship with a man that had the mortgage in his name , but I paid all the utilities and food and i also sold my shares to renovate the property.
I've walked away with nothing a nest of tables and my clothes , he told me I wasn't entitled to anything has we weren't married.
You'll only be entitled to anything apparently if you've got proof of paying towards the mortgage that's what a solicitor told me anyway.
I wish you all the best!!

For now she comes over a few times a week and I cook for her etc..so yes probably

@Shoulditbe I'm sorry you were being given such a hard time on here. Yes, what most people have said is that it is a difficult position to be in - but if you had made it clear that both you and your partner are female, I suspect the replies would have been generally more kindly worded.

A few times a week could end up costing quite a bit over time, unless she sometimes brings the ingredients over to your house and she cooks for you, too. Your children may very well be right when they accuse her of being lazy!!

At least you know have a LA rented property so you have some security yourself. Hope things work out for you

I would be far more worried about your children's concerns than the money thing. That they felt strongly enough that she was letting you do everything that you actually move out of your family home is massive. They obviously feel that she's not kind enough to you, and this is now their primary relationship model. They've had a crappy time, losing their dad, seeing their mum get ill- I'd think hard about whether you want them growing up feeling that their mother is in a relationship that devalues her.
You deserve better.

I have proof of payments as paid to her once a month to cover half the bills and mortgage. But that part i presumed to be like paying rent, it is more the investment in the renovations i thought.
I am sorry you went through that. Everything in the home I purchased, but I left the sofa, some tables, tvunit, cutlery etc to make it easier for her.

Why should it matter if we are both female, I don't understand why that should make a difference to the situation or comments? I don't feel I should need to state that?

It shouldn't - but this is Mumsnet and you should know what a hard time guys get on here, often, because people are supporting the women ( who usually come off worse in these situations). Your first post didn't clarify at all, so I suspect lots of people just 'assumed'. At least one actually said so.

This sounds like a series of poor decisions 😕.

She lived with you rent free for 18 months - why? How do you afford, with 4 children, to have another adult living with you rent free?

Having lived together, presumably your partner didn't hide her true self for all that time, so you knew your children found her difficult to live with? Why move them into her home?

You then moved to a family home, but you were not on the mortgage, so could be evicted at any time - security for your children?

You then spent (in your words) vast sums of money decorating the house (that is not yours), paying for holidays and all sorts. Presumably you did this for your benefit, as you would be going on all holiday anyway and you wanted the person you love to share this with you. Or maybe not paying rent meant you had more spare income for these luxuries?

You say your partner paid the mortgage and 50% of the bills, even though she's 1/6 of the family. Sounds a brilliant deal to me. Unless you gave up having your rent paid to move into your partner's home and pay bills that were more than you were paying before?

Did you have any discussions or legal agreements about how the property would be handled if the relationship failed? Blending a family of 5 - 1 is a huge feature and not one I imagine you'd walk blindly into.

I have so many questions, but none that lead to you being owed any money from the property. You say the relationship is ongoing though, so maybe in many years to come, the relationship will be such that your partner is more inclined to share.

Yes you are correct, but this is in part why I have challenged the money. As they have seen what I have done and put in and I don't want them to see we came away with nothing but that we got some of that back. I don't think it is healthy for them to see that and the struggle. We moved out becuase of the childrens concerns and views and I did not want them to feel like that or have those worries and I have adapted the relationship so they dont have that contact. For example she comes for dinner when they are at a club, I am also conscious that my youngest only knows her and cares alot about her as only remembers living with her as she was only nearly 3 when we met so I have tried to manage that sensitiviely and ensure she has some form of relationship/ contact to transition.
But yes, these are things I have thought about,

Yes you are correct, a series of poor decisions.

She lived with me for 18 months as she wanted to save for a house and the plan was for her to purchase the house us to relocate near her family, I have a good job and was already paying for the bills and rent etc anyway so it was only additional food really and it helped the long term goadl.

That i actually not correct and one of the challenges in that she was great with the kids they thought she was great. It changed when the home was in her name as opposed to living in our home, her boundaries and rules changed. I dont want to go into it all as its seperate debates/ opinions but things such as the children not being allowed to use the ensuit toilet, not allowed in the bedroom ever, these were changes for my children and from when she lived with us but clearly rules she now felt she could enforce and it created barriers for my children,

You say luxuries and not paying rent but i was paying the same towards the mortgage as my previous rental was and more on bills so no this is not true. Of course the holidays and family days out were for all of us. I don't understand this point.

Yes as I have said It cost alot more to live with her, her choice of home and area and mortgage costs etc. I really dont understand the dividing it up into fractions, i won't go into this again as have earlier on and it just doesn't make sense to me.It was how it was divided, agreed and suited the set up I also paid for other things, all food, household items etc etc

And no, as I have said in previous posts any discussions were not formalised and built on what I thought we had trust, respect and loyality. That in hindsight due to changes in situation is not helpful but this was never about legally owed it was what should be the right way forward for peple you care about.

I'm sorry - I read that as she was paying all the mortgage and you were just paying half the bills.

Sounds like she had this all worked out in her favour, and you were just a step towards her achieving her goal.

I know you have a good relationship now, but it sounds to me like you've been had 🤷🏾‍♀️.