Co-habiting seperation and house sale...am I just being resentful?

[Shoulditbe]

Hi all, I am desperately reaching out for some advice. I will try to keep it short, my partner and I have lived together for 5 years, we move LA and looked for a family home together, she paid the deposit and mortgage in her name as i was not in a position to. I have 4 children she has non, 3 lived with us. We renovated the home as intended, she paid for large expense ie. kitchen, bathroom and I smaller electrics, plastering, painting etc but all of the internal fixtures and fittings etc. We split bills 50/50 and mortgage. I have a disability and was unwell at some periods and for a few months did not contribute to home. She paid for nothing towards the children and not involved in any parenting (her choice), school runs etc.
Due to challenges we decided to seperate living, I have had to seek support from council as could not get rental deposite despite having a good income. I have had to set up this home from scratch. Partner is selling the home and buying smaller home as this was our family home. However does not want to give me anything/ very little from the home. Intends to take deposit put in (fair), and 11k she says kitchen cost and 6k bathroom (these were not soley her costs), then split the remainder which is about 5k each however says I owe her that for money borrowed, missed bills payments etc.

It feels really heavy and unfair that I am being left with nothing and maybe I am just resenting her being able to sort herself out. Yes she is better off than me financially as I have been a single parent to 4 children, I have not been able to access any help due to being a houshold income. Legally I don't think I have a leg to stand on but I have put thousands into the house which I can evidence. It feels so unfair but I can't even think what I would think is fair. Perhaps her to take the deposit and cost of kitchen units etc then split the remainder. I feel I have lost so much already and just feel so sad this is happening and she cannot see how I feel.
Any thoughts or advice be really great.x

@Shoulditbe are you really saying that if you had had a rental property with your four kids and paid all the expenses, you would have been better off?

Surely you can see that 50% of the bills and mortgage was subsidising your children ? Every utility bill would be higher , food bills higher plus she obviously didn’t need a large house and large mortgage. Her council tax would be higher due to losing single person discount etc - I think you are seeing a very distorted view of things

The thing is, you never get as much back from renovations as you put in. I've known people buy a house for say 250, spend 100k on an extension, then automatically expect the price to go up by that much - but it doesn't always work like that. You have to remember that improvements are there for you to enjoy at the time, more than they are to get back in compensation on a sale.

Yes I was in prior to use moving and it was less outgoings because as a single person and due to my illness and such like the government support with some costs as do energy companies etc.

I think people, me included, are struggling to know what to advise as it seems a very weird situation.

So you and your DP bought a house together (but with her money as a deposit and only her on the mortgage). So legally she bought a house and you moved in, even if morally, you might say you moved in?
You both paid for different parts of renovation, decor, bills etc
You brought your 4 kids with you, bills were still split 50/50
You, along with your kids, decide you don't want to live with her anymore (the "she's lazy" comment) and move out
Taking lots of the things you paid for with you (decor etc)
Presumably, she can't afford the house alone, so is selling to move elsewhere, while you rent
But you are still in a relationship together?

You've accepted legally you don't have a claim to the house, I think. Next you need to have a really good think about whether you want to damage your relationship further by quibbling over relatively minor splits in money. It doesn't seem like a good start to what already must be a relationship in a difficult state

You would have to go back through all your bank statements and give her a list of everything 'extra' for the house you have spent, minus the two months of your share when you were off work, plus a reasonable amount of rent for when she lived in your house for 18 months.

But be careful, because the more details you have to argue over, the more likely the relationship is going to suffer. If she is not being generous, I don't think getting into arguments over lists of figures is going to help your future.

But to flip a previous response back around to you... You knew that before you moved in together.

If you expect to be able to use that as mitigation for your DP subsiding your kids, then surely the same applies for the decisions you have made?

Let me see if I have things straight. You are still technically a couple but are living separately due to your children disliking her. At some point when your children are grown you and she will once again cohabit. There is a large family home in DP's name with DP having paid the downpayment. There have been improvements paid for by both of you with DP having paid the lion's share. So far monthly household costs have been split 50/50. You have paid for holidays and outings from your own pocket.

Legally you are entitled to zero as you are not married, not on the deeds/mortgage, and have no legal agreement as to the split of any proceeds upon sale. So you can argue yourself blind but she doesn't have to give you anything and it sounds to me as if she doesn't want to and isn't going to give you anything so there's really no point in calculating percentages of who paid for what or arguing monthly contribution vs holidays. I'm not saying who is right or who is wrong, but is this really a person you want to continue a relationship with? And if the house is being sold because it's now too big for her on her own AND she is committed to cohabiting once your DC are gone, why isn't the money being invested for a future purchase of a smaller home for both of you, with you hopefully being able to save and contribute to the downpayment and thus have your name on the deeds? Or is that what she is intending to do now; buy a smaller place in her name only with the intent that you move in at some point? Because if so, you will be right back to square one with her owning the house and you having zero financial interest.

And what makes you think that your children being 'gone' will make that much difference? They are still going to resent her for whatever reason and she is going to resent them for their resentment. Oh, such jolly holiday dinners and friendly visits that's going to make! Are they going to be 'banned' from the house by her or refuse to visit because of her?

You need to think about how this is going to affect your relationship with your children long term. Because it sounds like you will once again be giving up 'their home' to live with a woman whom they dislike. Will you be happy to potentially see less (or none) of them because they don't want to be around her? What if one (or more) of your children or grandchildren need to move home? These days that is not an uncommon occurrence. Our DS2 is living at home due to covid and the horrible rental prices where we live. I would hate to think of him living with someone who he resented or who resented him. Or my OH refusing to allow one of my children to 'come home', if needed. This may be down the line quite a few years, but do you really want to at that point choose this woman over your children, if that is what it comes down to?

The above isn't hypothetical per se. We have friends who were in this exact position, although they hadn't cohabited before and both had young teens when they got together. Neither set of DC like the other partner so they were 'together living apart'. When the DC grew up and flew the nest and this couple announced they were moving in together, both sets of children raise holy hell. They ended up splitting up in the end because both sets of DC basically said "It's us or your partner, choose".

She didn't pay food. I don't see at as that no as I paid for all other costs holidays, meals out, days out, fuel costs plus household expenses. So no I don't see it as that. Yes that was split but other areas weren't so it's a balance. I just don't see how you can work things like that and I don't know anyone who does its so odd everyone is hung up on this.. it is all about affordability. If you choose to become a family regardless of maternity that is what you are choosing that commitment and if you want a house in a particular area and location (her not i) of a certain size etc then yes have to consider affordability and my disposable income is not as high due to having 4 children that I support on my own hence bills were split and mortgage. That aside I have many friends male and female who go by the 50/50 rule of same make up its extremley common practice

Clearly you don't think you're being difficult so the only way to do it is to list ALL of your outgoings and payments over the length of time you were living together including all expenditure on the house - both of you.

Try to do it amiably as a solicitor is likely to be expensive.

I think you’ve done very well out of this arrangement. She’s paid the mortgage, paid the deposit , paid bills and much of the Reno costs and supported you and your 4 kids In return it sounds like she’s had to put up with a lot - your kids don’t like her …. Call her names etc

You paid for yourself your children and she was a very small part of that it would have cost almost the same had she not gone however her life would have been significantly cheaper buying a smaller house getting smaller bills had she not moved in with you

I think you're getting a hard time here as your ex (and I know you think you'll stay together but you probably won't) is a woman. MN will always resonate more with hard working women who choose not to have children rather than someone who chose to raise four (4??) as a single parent.
It seems wild to me that you would choose to raise four children single handedly and then moan about money. I have two and I'm a single parent, not by choice, and I am utterly skint. No renovations in this house!
I feel for you as you have had cancer and are now unable to work. But you must have known when you were getting the farrow and ball in B&Q that this was a possibility. Not going on the deeds was a massive error and I wouldn't have moved in with no security. Especially as you have missed out on benefits.
Move on with your life and leave this cruel woman behind. The gap between your lifestyles will be very apparent soon and I would become resentful. She should be free to enjoy her hard earned money, your money will always be your family's money, as will mine.
Welcome to the shit club!

I think its fairly simple but has got misconstrued by people's views on the set up.
My point about why we moved out is not relevant really it was expressing that it was to do with the kids views not mine I was and am happy to be the person doing everything in the home and for my kids etc that's normal for me. But my kids became unhappy and the situation became tense.
She can afford the home as you say she took out the mortgage so financially was able to afford that. She has brought abother larger mortgage smaller home yes but wants to use all the money from the sale of ours to put on it hence not give me any out.
Our relationship is not bad or difficult or I would not be in it it is a great relationship however this has obviously caused some challenges as we have different views.
I do struggle with people's views as what is the difference with someone signing a piece of paper to say they are legally adopting that step child is it then OK to pay half and half? As my youngest was just 2 when we met and only knows my partner. She sees her as her other parent (does not call her mom knows she isn't but child's view she only knows living with her) so if my partner CHOSE to pay half but hadn't signed to adopt her what is the difference? I really struggling with these strong views that are so focused soley on the 50/50 bills split

My kids have never called her names (again please don't comment on your own inaccurate thoughts). My children are respectful. The comments are words I used to try to quickly summarise not the months of conversations with my children and her. Support is also not a word I would use, support is much more than 50/50 split of bills.

Thankyou for your comment. I didn't chose to be a single parent. My youngest 3s father died when I was 7 weeks pregnant with my fourth. I do work i still work, I had 4 months sick leave during cancer treatment and returned. I have always worked full time to support my children as it was just me.
Yes perhaps you are right when we were choosing paint and I purchased it or paid for the rewiring etc I should have known this may happen however I try to see people as having same values and loyalties as me and knowing my past I did not think I would be left in this situation. But yes lessons learnt. My simple question here was about how people would view the money taking back from what invested not to have onslaught of mis informed/ fabricated judgement.
I purposely did not share all my person information in the OP however have been forced to share bits to defend/ explain my situation which I think is completely unacceptable. How some people behave on here is disgraceful and I just hope in day to day lives they can behave in a more appropriate way towards other people. Thankfully I can say I have raised my children to behave better than the adults I have witnessed here

Op, sounds like there is more to this. When you lived together for 18 months in your place, was that place mortgaged or rented? Why didn't she contribute?

If you minus two months bills /rent payment from the total cost of what you paid in refurbishments, how much is the difference? Are you still owed a lot.

When you say you paid for meals, holiday, days out etc, did you pay for all of these things? Did you partner not pay for any? Why did you pay for all of it? Did you say it was to make up for two months rent etc? Was this often?

I think write down everything and try and work it out. How much was your rent and bills when you lived in your place, what would her contribution be if you were to charge her rent for that time? Was she saving for the deposit during that time towards your shared home? Could technically some deposit belong to you as you let her save by living for free at yours.

Don't think there is any point trying to go through courts as that will cost you more, but if you can write everything down and give to your partner as evidence of how it's unfair that you are left with nothing and try and come to a compromise on how much she gives you.

You need to properly sit down and work out the sums. You can't factor in things you have bought for your children and she shouldn't be out of pocket as a result of your children. E.g. if she has been paying half of bills, but in fact your share of thr bills should have been far greater because you are responsible for 4 of the 5 people living in the house, then that needs to be reflected in your calculations. If, having done that, you conclude that she does owe you something then go see a lawyer.

OP apologies, I didn't realise it was a bereavement. I skim read and saw you mentioned IVF and thought that was your journey into motherhood.
I don't know why you want to continue this relationship, she seems unkind.

Care to rephrase your comment OP

They’ve got a dead father, you have had cancer and moved area in a same sex relationship with someone that doesn’t seem at all suited to family life, now they are being shunted to another home but with the relationship continuing. Hardly a model
of good relationships and security is it?!

I’d say there’s a fuck load of trauma they will be processing in to adulthood 🙄

Yes you are correct. Because she was saving towards a house, she was renting a room which was extortionate i was in rental property we decided to move in together and she wanted to relocate where her parents are 4 hours away so she lived with me and the children I was already paying for everything so one extra adult to feed was ok and meant she could save and the plan re buy etc etc as above.

Meals, holidays etc she never offered and i wouldn't ask. Just not who I am. I just feel I've plowed it all into the house and things changed living wise and I've been left starting again which has been really hard and feel I should have some money back out to make that easier.

I don't intend to go through courts just to try to understand her perspective and find a middle ground.

That's OK. I was simply hightlight to that poster that not all children are born into 2 parent homes for lots of reasons. Given the attitude and comments of that person I did not want to relate it to my personal circumstances as I shouldn't have to defend such ridiculous comments as all children have a father.

This is a difficult situation OP. In my situation, I had the deposit for a house and I have the mortgage solely in my name and I cohabit with my partner. I want to be fair so I pay the mortgage alone, and I pay for paint, furniture etc as needed. Money feels really tight for me to be honest due to this. However it gives me a clear conscience that if we ever split up and he moves out, I know he hasn't invested in the house, and as he isn't contributing to the mortgage he can put what he would have been spending on rent into a savings account so he can build up his own security net.

It sounds like you've essentially been a bit people pleasing with the finances, giving your earnings too readily towards upkeep of the house, and now you're facing the consequences of that and feeling burned. If my partner had to move into a rental due to us separating I would also want to support him with that financially if he needed it. It sounds like you are getting £5k though which should be a decent amount for deposit and first months rent?

Unfortunately I cannot control them having a "dead father". Your homophobic comments do not go un-noted either and fortunately my children are raised with love, respect and kindness (I think you may have missed these traits) so the sexuality has nothing to do with it. In a world where we should be accepting of others choices.
They love life where they live they have great friends, opportunities and are flourishing.
When a child has a solid attachments and foundations to just one care giver that can negate any challenges, trauma or changes. Children are resilient in the right environments and relationships. Thankfully I have provided that relationship for them.

It's a shame you can't demonstrate the same and thankfully I can say my children show no traits of someone as disgustingly arrogant and cold as you.