Co-habiting seperation and house sale...am I just being resentful?

[Shoulditbe]

Hi all, I am desperately reaching out for some advice. I will try to keep it short, my partner and I have lived together for 5 years, we move LA and looked for a family home together, she paid the deposit and mortgage in her name as i was not in a position to. I have 4 children she has non, 3 lived with us. We renovated the home as intended, she paid for large expense ie. kitchen, bathroom and I smaller electrics, plastering, painting etc but all of the internal fixtures and fittings etc. We split bills 50/50 and mortgage. I have a disability and was unwell at some periods and for a few months did not contribute to home. She paid for nothing towards the children and not involved in any parenting (her choice), school runs etc.
Due to challenges we decided to seperate living, I have had to seek support from council as could not get rental deposite despite having a good income. I have had to set up this home from scratch. Partner is selling the home and buying smaller home as this was our family home. However does not want to give me anything/ very little from the home. Intends to take deposit put in (fair), and 11k she says kitchen cost and 6k bathroom (these were not soley her costs), then split the remainder which is about 5k each however says I owe her that for money borrowed, missed bills payments etc.

It feels really heavy and unfair that I am being left with nothing and maybe I am just resenting her being able to sort herself out. Yes she is better off than me financially as I have been a single parent to 4 children, I have not been able to access any help due to being a houshold income. Legally I don't think I have a leg to stand on but I have put thousands into the house which I can evidence. It feels so unfair but I can't even think what I would think is fair. Perhaps her to take the deposit and cost of kitchen units etc then split the remainder. I feel I have lost so much already and just feel so sad this is happening and she cannot see how I feel.
Any thoughts or advice be really great.x

No not at all because the costs were much higher than they are now I live back on my own with my children. Plus I put thousands into renovations which I wouldn't have in a rental.

No but she chose to be with someone with 4 children that is a choice it wasn't forced on her she made those choices.

Just because I have a good job does not mean I have the deposit and means for a rental deposit or mortgage deposit. It means I have done well enough for myself as single parent to have supported my children. As I say she lived with me for 18 months prior to buying this house paid for nothing to enable her to save the additional funds.

I was undergoing cancer treatment for 4 months so for 2 I was extremely unwell and unable to work so only recieved statutory sick pay due to the illness and other missed days. Had I been living on my own I would have got help due to this to pay towards my rent etc but as it's a household income I didn't.

Things aren't always as they seem, however you seem very bitter and aggressive person who has little understanding of the world outside of your very twisted narrative.

I think you'll just have to look at this as a lesson learned - don't invest money in the renovation of a house you have no legal share in.

And I don't think she should have to support your children while cohabiting.

Yes we will not get back what we put in but I just feel I need something to enable me to move forward not start again.

Actually that's not true for example when going abroad I have to book an extra room as she (understandably so) doesn't like to share a family room with the children so she has space so it is alot more as if it was just me it would be one family room. Is just one example. Another adult is quite alot extra for all events, meals etc. It's just an example of how I have paid into things

Did you contribute to mortgage each month or pay rent? If not you've had your money's worth and should not receive anything. Hope you abd your children get sorted. You could just say you are not moving, she may then pay you something.

Agreed in first part.
Second, she didn't support my children. Quite the opposite. She paid half the bills and mortgage, one she would have had to pay anyway.

Is there a legal agreement in place, marriage, civil partnership etc? If not, I wouldn't think you have much chance of redress. Unless there are tens of thousands ££££ at stake, going to court would be prohibitive cost wise.

Yes half the mortgage and bills for 4 years since she brought the house (except 2 months), all food costs, renovations etc except as stated

Why did you knowingly spend to much money if you were aware that you had no legal rights to the house?

Did she force you to pay for all holidays and meals out?

No..and we are still together i really just wanted other perspectives outside my family and friends as although they know us well and ins and outs I wanted other people's views. All of whom think it is I who has been screwed over but as i say they see the real situation not this snap shot people here are taking.
I just want something to be able to get back some of what I put in to support my children as the house was meant to be our long term investment it just changed due to dynamics with her and my children

She did support your children OP, she was paying 50% of the bills for a 5 person household- only 1 of which was her. Her bills would have been substantially less if she was living alone, the food bill if nothing else would have been dramatically less for 1 person than for 5. Plus for 2 of those months she was the only person who kept your kids fed, warm and housed.

Unfortunately the things you’re mentioning you paid for like wardrobes are not really reflected in equity- spending £2k on wardrobes doesn’t make your house worth £2k more, spending £500 on paint doesn’t increase the value of your house by £500.

You’re not legally entitled to anything here, just take it as a lesson learned and move on.

Because that was part of our plan it was always a joint house however money I had was tied up for another 10 years. It changed due to dynamics with my children. But yes it was a mistake ruled with heart not head perhaps
No not forced that is strong wording but not intending to or feel she should have to pay for any of those things and I was happy to I have never been tied up in this is mine that's yours until this situation when I feel I needed to protect some of myself

However it may be that I just have to accept my mistake and let it go

She did not pay for food.
No I appreciate they do not reflect but they add value hence why you don't do it in rental

They don’t really add value upon sale though OP. They add value when you’re living in them, so yes people do buy wardrobes and paint their rentals. But nobody paints or puts wardrobes into a house thinking “I’ll get this money back when I sell”.

As I say legally you don’t have a right to any money, if she’s going to give you any at all then I’d take that as her goodwill gesture and leave it at that.

I want to have some of what I put in reflected in the same was as what she put in. I have invested alot into our lives and I have had to start again which has been very costly and hard for us.

So you were co-habiting but are now living apart because of your children, but are still together? Not wanting to be blunt if so, but where do you see this heading? Surely this will cause issues / resentment on both sides. How do you move forward as a couple with equality in your relationship? Isn't it going to be unbalanced? Do you anticipate a time when you will try cohabitation again?

I don't think she owes you anything, either legally or morally.

You seem to want congratulating for paying your own children's expenses.

Yes when the children have left home we will definitely.
Which is why we are trying to navigate this situation carefully so that it can feel understood or comfortable to us both but yes it is difficult. However despite what others think here we have a very good relationship as a couple and I know she feels I have done alot for her In her life and the love and support given. She has asked me to marry her, we are engaged. But we live separately due to the dynamics with the children.

I don't think that's the case!! You people are certainly an odd breed

OP, Your ex-partner has provided a home large enough for you and your three children, for 5 years. She paid all the major renovation costs and supported you while you were unable to contribute through illness. If she has split bills 50:50, she has been subsidising your children for years.

You've paid for some paint, small electrical and built in wardrobes, but that is dwarfed by the extra thousands you would have spent in rent over the years.

You refer to it as your family house but it isn't. It is her house in her name, her legal responsibility and her mortgage debt.

I think the best you can hope for is for her to deduct the kitchen and bathroom costs, you deduct the cost of the wardrobes and anything other significant items, and then split what is left. Hopefully that will be sufficient for your rental deposit.

Good luck.

The thing is though OP it’s not incorrect really, it’s just not what you want to hear.

She put down the deposit for the house, she has being paying 50% of the bills which were inflated due to you and your children all living there, you really should have been paying closer to 70% to make it “fair”. She’s been subsiding you and your family for years, you aren’t owed money back because you bought some wardrobes and paint.

She has supported you and your kids for years, you’d have been paying significantly more if you’d been on your own, and she has been paying not only for your kids at bill level but also more due to having bought a house big enough for you and all of your kids.

As an aside though, one of the biggest relationship killers is people not seeing eye to eye on finances. She’s not in the wrong here, legally or morally, but if you think she is then you’re just not compatible and it will only cause trouble again down the line when other financial issues crop up.

Your holiday extra room example doesn't work because the extra room was because of your DC, not because of her. If you were a couple without kids, you'd have had one room. If they were the DC of both of you, yes you'd have a family room, but that's not the case, so it's fair enough for her not to share the same room. Of course you would say this:

In my opinion if you move in as a family you share that responsibility.

Because it's you that's bringing lots of extra costs to the situation. It's not a huge stretch of the imagination to think you'd feel differently if you were the one faced with paying for a partner's many children.

@Shoulditbe could you work out the amounts and show your ex/partner? If, for example, it works out you both put in the same contribution overall (regardless of what went on which bill etc) then you could argue that morally it’s been a 50:50 split. If partner wants to say ‘but I paid half when you have more kids’ that is a fair point but you could counter with ‘and you didn’t pay anything for xx months when you moved into mine’. Present facts and figures calmly and give partner time to consider rather than when feeling defensive etc.

No I just think the comments are not on facts that I have commented. For example you mention a little bit of paint and some wardrobes. It is alot more than that. Just because she paid for the kitchen units, etc as a large 1 down payment I paid for all the replastering, electric re wiring, boiler, damp proofing. These all add up to equal costs.

Yes she paid half of bills and mortgage because for 18 months before she lived with me with no costs what so ever to help her.. it's swings and roundabouts that is a relationship.

Relationships have lots of challenges and things that have to be thought through and worked through with understanding and compromise. This does not make us incompatible. How we handle it would be the problem. But as we both show each other respect (more than most are able to demonstrate in this thread thankfully) that is what makes the difference.