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Original poster

He lied to me about meeting another woman for lunch

142 replies

daisym · 21/04/2008 12:49

I have always been able to trust my husband who I believed would never ever cheat on me because he is such a nice guy and seems to genuinely love me and our baby. Infact I could never imagine him having an affair as he has strong views about fidelity and remaining faithful and he would be annoyed even if his best friend for example was unfaithful. So it was even more of a shock when he told me he was at work when infact he was having lunch with another woman, a friend apparently who hes met through work. I have no problem with him meeting female friends but do have a problem with his lying. Why did he feel it necessary to lie? Surely if it was innocent he wouldnt have felt the need to. Its not as if I am a clingy wife either, we both have careers and have our own friends as well as enjoying doing things together. When I confronted him he seemed to think it was no big deal and has I noticed started hiding his mobile. Am I overreacting??

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 21/04/2008 12:58

No, I would go mental, it's the lying and hiding his phone I would be livid about.

Sorry he is behaving like this!

What have you said about it? Has he apologised for lying? Can you trust him to be honest next time?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 21/04/2008 12:59

Probably not. Why did he lie? Did he try to make out you were overreacting to avoid giving an explanation? Meeting a woman for lunch is fine, lying about it is not. Many people, when challenged, will try to wind you up (eg by saying you are overreacting) to make you get angry and seem unreasonable, so the key is to stay calm.

MrsMattie · 21/04/2008 12:59

The lying is not good.

boobiestoosaggy · 21/04/2008 13:04

if i had found that my dh had gone for lunch with a women id be physically sick!!!!

CoffeeCrazedMama · 21/04/2008 13:06

My dh will often meet a female friend (he's collected a number over the years in his various workplaces) for lunch. He will always tell me about it, as he does when meeting a male friend(unless it genuinely slips his mind - then he will say 'Oh did I tell you I met so-and-so for lunch the other day' before telling an anecdote from her. This is because they are genuinely nothing more than friendships (sometimes too with a career networking element thrown in).

There is no way he would ever lie and say he hasn't, and he knows I AM the jealous type. I would worry. Sorry.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 21/04/2008 13:07

boobies - that's a bit extreme isn't it? I wouldn't be bothered about him going for lunch as long as he told me first /soon afterwards, but if he lied about where he was that's different!

Original poster
daisym · 21/04/2008 13:08

I found out he'd taken the afternoon off when I rang him at work, worried about our little girl. She'd banged her head and I really wanted to talk to him about it as I was worried about her. His boss said he'd taken the afternoon off! Felt mortified as his boss knew it was me ringing. He came home early at the normal time and I asked him how work was, he said fine. I then confronted him and he apologised and said he'd liked because he thought I'd be annoyed he'd taken the afternoon off to have lunch with a friend rather than spend it with me and the baby (I was annoyed, surely its understandable though that I'd want us to spend time together as a family??) He spent all weekend trying to make amends, bought me flowers and said he'd never lie again. The hiding his mobile is suspicious though- I was sneaky and checked it this morning and he'd wiped his inbox and sent items which made me suspicious... God i dont want to be one of those psycho clingy women obsessively checking their husbands wallets, phone etc... Feel suspicious of him though. Told him if he ever had an affair our relationship is over.

OP posts:
Original poster
daisym · 21/04/2008 13:08

sorry, that should read came home earlier than the normal time

OP posts:
mummyjaguar · 21/04/2008 13:11

sorry but the lying and hiding of mobile indicate he's seeing her or in the early heavily fliting stages.

been there done that know the signs.

ask him about it calmly. say you suspect he's considering an affair. explain how it would devastate your family and ask him to nip it in the bud now.

you'll get a lot of insight from his reaction.

mummyjaguar · 21/04/2008 13:13

deletion of inbox and sent items not good.

sorry.

stirlingmum · 21/04/2008 13:19

Sorry - sounds like he is hiding things from you and they only do that when there is something they dont want you to know.
Whether it is physical or not, it sounds like there is at least an emotional affair going on.
Do you know the woman?

Ask him "would you be happy for me to have overheard your conversation at lunch?"
If the answer is no then he has crossed the line, and an emotional affair has started.

Mamazon · 21/04/2008 13:20

My granny always used to say "people only lie if they have something to hide" and i agree with her.

misselizabethbennett · 21/04/2008 13:20

Wish I could be more positive, but this sounds bad to me.

You do need to talk to him about this. It may not be terminal (yet), but it needs addressing. Don't be scared of asking everything you want to know - it's easy to be deflected.

What strikes me is that he actually took an afternoon off work to have lunch with this woman.

mummyjaguar · 21/04/2008 13:22

Are you still sleeping together?

Sorry to ask such a personal question but if things have changed n that area then its another indication (although not always of course)

AbricotsSecs · 21/04/2008 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

CountessDracula · 21/04/2008 13:25

Oh dear
Doesn't sound good really

Can you get hold of his mobile bills and see if he is calling/texting a number a lot that you don't recognise?

hecate · 21/04/2008 13:26

lying + hiding mobile = trouble

pedilia · 21/04/2008 13:27

I'm with the others on this one, discovering my DH was ling about what he was doing, hiding his mobile was the prelude to me discovering his affair.
Can you check your husbands phone bill to see if there is a recuring number? Just be warned don't let trying to get some evidence or catch him out become an obsession, it is a very fine line. I do think you need to find out what is going on and he obviously isn't going to be honest.

As for the flowers etc DH did exactly the same but I just knew there was more he was covering up and kept digging until I found out the truth, it very,very nearly ended our marriage but we got through it.

CountessDracula · 21/04/2008 13:28

I would try and get some evidence before confronting him about it. Otherwise he may just try and pretend you are being mad and suspicious

MissingMyHeels · 21/04/2008 13:30

He took the afternoon off of work specifically to meet this woman for lunch? That is premeditated and as much as I love my friends I wouldn't waste a precious 1/2 days annual leave on them just for lunch. Not when I could spend it with my baby.

I don't think you are overreacting at all, I would have hit the roof. Lying, hiding his mobile doesn't sound good either.

CountessDracula · 21/04/2008 13:33

Do you know this woman?

sweetheart · 21/04/2008 13:37

You are right to be cautious but don't jump in at the deep end just yet! If he was cheating on you don't you think he'd have come home at normal time instead of early?!?! Also his mail box on his phone may simply have been full - this often happens to me and I have to deleate stuff so I can receive new messages.

You know your dh best and I would say just be careful about steaming in like a mad woman and checking up on him all the time - it doesn't exactly make for a healthy relationship! Be aware of stuff around you by all means - if there is something going on you don't want to be the last to know.

mrsmaddyd · 21/04/2008 13:37

Has your husband been with the company long? Do they know of you, ie company do's etc?Is this a new girl or could you know her?

Can you make yourself known at work, i dont mean in a crazed jelous wife sort of way, but just pop in to say hello, be confident, smiles and loving.

The fact that they only met for lunch suggests that if it is an onset of an affair then it is very very early stages and can be turnes around and stopped before it starts. But it does look dodgy, sorry

ThinWhiteDuchess · 21/04/2008 13:42

Sorry Daisy, but this doesn't sound too good. I would be mad if my DH took a half day off work to meet another woman without telling me about it.

Odd though that he didn't take his lie further and make something up about what he did with his afternoon off.

CountessDracula · 21/04/2008 13:43

He may have made it up
He may NOT have been out for lunch at all