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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He lied to me about meeting another woman for lunch

142 replies

daisym · 21/04/2008 12:49

I have always been able to trust my husband who I believed would never ever cheat on me because he is such a nice guy and seems to genuinely love me and our baby. Infact I could never imagine him having an affair as he has strong views about fidelity and remaining faithful and he would be annoyed even if his best friend for example was unfaithful. So it was even more of a shock when he told me he was at work when infact he was having lunch with another woman, a friend apparently who hes met through work. I have no problem with him meeting female friends but do have a problem with his lying. Why did he feel it necessary to lie? Surely if it was innocent he wouldnt have felt the need to. Its not as if I am a clingy wife either, we both have careers and have our own friends as well as enjoying doing things together. When I confronted him he seemed to think it was no big deal and has I noticed started hiding his mobile. Am I overreacting??

OP posts:
daisym · 22/04/2008 13:08

Ok, now this is doing my head in. Hes going to Edinburgh for some sort of course in June, staying overnight, and suggested weeks ago that I and the baby go with him. However, hes just emailed me at work to say he thinks he should go on his own as its too expensive for the three of us to go (his company will pay for him but not me). Could be being paranoid but the timing seems suspect to me, I'm now panicing hes invited this other woman instead.

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 22/04/2008 13:09

So say you disagree and that you do want to come

If he objects a lot then you know why?!
(maybe)

NotABanana · 22/04/2008 13:11

Ring his phone and find it that way.

Tell him who is going or say you will ring and ask his boss why you can't go.

Pack his stuff.

Nero · 22/04/2008 13:12

Can you tell him that your parents have given you money for the trip so money is not an issue? If he then comes up with another excuse, it would be very suspicious.

I don't think you're being paranoid, btw.

BecauseImWorthIt · 22/04/2008 13:12

Or book yourself and the baby into a hotel (ideally the same one if you can find out which one/afford it) and then turn up as a surprise on the same night.

You'll find out that way if he's telling the truth! And if he is telling the truth then you can have a lovely evening together (even if it will have cost you)

CountessDracula · 22/04/2008 13:12

OK
Now don't do that!

You need to talk to him seriously and make him prove to you on the spot that he is not being unfaithful OR you need to get evidence yourself.

This will eat away at you otherwise - it already is!

If you just accuse him he will bury evidence.

StarlightMcKenzie · 22/04/2008 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SheWillBeLoved · 22/04/2008 13:14

Definately object, tell him the break away from home will do you good and surely he can't begrudge you that? It can't be majorly expensive for 1 night in a hotel, and you have 2 months to save for it.

I wouldn't let him wiggle out of this one i'm afraid, not with his recent activities.

Nero · 22/04/2008 13:14

Ooh - juat hada thought. Where does he work? Maybe there will be an MNer who works there too who could get the inside story for you?

Nero · 22/04/2008 13:15

i meant - just had a thought

CountessDracula · 22/04/2008 13:15

I really think that you can say to him quite justifiably that you are concerned that (a) he did this lunch thing, (b) he has started hiding his mobile and deleting call logs+ and (c) now there is this Edinburgh thing. All of which makes you worry that he might be getting emotionally involved with someone else and that you want to nip it in the bud if it is the case

He will deny of course

So you can then say

OK well I am not going to feel comfortable unless you prove this to me. Humour me. I need to see your mobile bills. Then get him to log on and register online there and then. Look at them together.

quicknamechangeforthis · 22/04/2008 13:16

Good advice there from CD

wingandprayer · 22/04/2008 13:18

As one who has very nearly had an emotional affair on the basis of "just lunch" I think you should avoid shouty confrontations because it will only play into her hands - you the naggy one at home, she the flirty one who he has nice lunches with (yes, I know this is not fair)

Men are pretty stupid. He will be flattered by her attention and may not realise she wants more, he may not fully realise he wants more, but he's enjoying the fliratation, texts and e-mail. And being honest - who wouldn't? Married people get crushes on people they are not married to, and maybe you need to talk to him about this being just that - a crush that will remain unrequited. Talk about why he enjoys spending time with her, why you can't make more time for those things together, how it makes you feel, how he would feel if tables were turned, ask him baout his phone, tell him you dread turning into type of wife who checks up on him. He will have no idea how this is affecting you and think he's being terribly big and clever. I have no doubt he still loves you, this is a temporary blindness brought on by other-female-induced lunacy. Chances are if you rationally explain how it makes you feel and what he is risking by the stupidity, and make sure he knows it is stupidity, he will pack it all in.

Lauriefairycake · 22/04/2008 13:18

well the company will be covering the cost of the room so there's no charge there. If you are driving up then it's no extra cost - only food and entertainment costs really.

The bits that are suspicious to me are the staying at lunch till 6 and taking an afternoon off.

In order to counter this I would start popping in to work to make yourself known and take him out for lunch - not because you're checking upon him but just to involve yourself a little more in his day-to-day life. My ex had a great habit of compartmentalising and I never met any of his work colleagues or was invited to work do's - this made it very easy for him to get off with a work colleague.

CountessDracula · 22/04/2008 13:20

good advice from w&P

MissGelly · 22/04/2008 13:21

Men are so dumb! Doesnt he realise that if you are suspicious, that the phone suddenly disappearing looks even WORSE??? And suddenly saying you can't come? HELLO???? Does he not realise how BAD that makes the situation look? It almost makes me think he's not up to anything...either that, or he is seriously dingy......

So sorry for you. I don't think you should show up with the baby though. If you do find him with someone else (visions of bursting through the door with you holding baby and him sacked up with OW), you'll be so traumatised and not fair for you or baby.

curlywurlywee · 22/04/2008 13:25

Having had experience of cheating H, I would say this is not looking good. The odd incident I think you can overlook but the Edinburgh trip thing - not good. There is rarely smoke without fire. Also, you say he is the last man to have an affair. That is exactly what I thought about my xh - how wrong was I! I caught him out by looking at his bank statements.

I think you need to sit him down and go through all this with him and insist that if he has nothing to hide you expect his mobile to be not hidden and expect to go to Edinburgh with him. He needs to understand how you are feeling and make steps to mend the lying and furtive behaviour. If he doesn't do this, then he defo has something to hide.

noddyholder · 22/04/2008 13:27

You need to sit him down and lay it on the line.It does sound dodgy but could be innocent.Don't bother being a phone detective and trying to catch him out you are a partnership with a child and you shouldn't be sneaking around trying to catch him out He owes you the truth.He also may need a bit of a scare/

wingandprayer · 22/04/2008 13:28

Do not turn up at work unexpectedly or worse still in Edinburgh trying to catch him out. Doing all of that only fuels your doubts, makes you more tense, less likely to behave rationally, and look like you've completely lost it to him.

YOU HAVE NO ACTUAL PROOF. You have lots of doubt. Get rid of the doubt, then you will see if you have any evidence. Talk to him!!!!

whitesheep · 22/04/2008 13:28

I was in a similar situation last year Daisy, and I can really sympathise. I noticed that my dh had exchanged texts with another woman, ending in xxx. Content was fairly innocuous - 'how was the conference', that type of thing. BUT.. he rarely mentioned this woman and I certainly didn't know he had any contact with her other than an occasional lift as part of a group of friends. There were also pretty regular phone calls - maybe 4 or 5 times a week, not several times a day. I was gripped by fear that this was an affair, or leading to an affair - even though I'd have no reason to suspect my dh otherwise.

I won't go into all the details, but by keeping tabs I realised that he was systematically deleting her messages/call register and had deleted an email he'd sent to her from his PC. Again, the content of the email was very bland.

Unfortunately I didn't know about MN then, so this is what I did. I built up some 'evidence', and kept a note of anything I found, her phone number, etc. I then spent about 3 weeks plucking up the courage to speak to him. I knew I'd have to admit that I'd looked at his phone, so I needed to make sure we weren't going to come out of this with me looking like I was in the wrong. When I finally did talk to him, I presented it as 'I'm upset and jealous about what I saw on your phone - can you tell me about your relationship with this woman'. I also didn't tell him everything I knew, so he almost immediately lied to me, which caught him out.

He never admitted this was a flirtation (although I think it was), was totally reassuring about our relationship and his feelings for me, and admitted that he shouldn't have lied about it. He admitted his actions looked suspicious, and would be jealous as hell if it was me! He was going through a very hard time at work, felt isolated and just enjoyed having 'a friend' to chat to. He immediately agreed to cut off all contact, or to allow me to meet the woman. I chose the cutting contact option, obviously!

If I was reading this from someone else I'd be sceptical, but I am convinced that he did not consider this flirting. Although if it was 100% innocent I'm not sure he'd have been so quick to agree to cut contact. Either way, I caught it before it developed into anything. I think he was enjoying a bit of mild flirtation, but as soon as I knew about it he suddenly saw what he was risking and decided it wasn't worth it.

In hindsight, I wish I had spoken to him sooner, to save a bit of heartache. At times, I wished I'd never found out, but now I'm glad I did as it also started us talking about how to improve our relationship.

Anyway, don't mean to hijack your thread but I thought you might like to hear that these things can turn out OK. What your husband is doing IS suspicious and unacceptable to you (as mine was). BUT, it could still be poor judgement, mild stupidity and getting a bit carried away, rather than infidelity.

I'd say nip it in the bud.

stirlingmum · 22/04/2008 14:51

Agree with Lauriefairycake - Surely the room is paid for by company so shouldn't cost alot more for one more adult and a baby!!

Also, you haven't mentioned if this woman will be going. Have you asked him??

mistressmiggins · 22/04/2008 20:09

my ex suddenly started receiving txts from female collegue at weekends - "she is congratulating me on something at work" was his reply....then his mobile was never far from his side.
he knew I was checking so I never found anything until 6 mths after my suspicions when he decided we were having a "make or break weekend" except he didnt tell me but DID tell her...and consequently on the Sunday morning I found a "I love u" txt from her.

she wanted me to find out....

I dont know what to suggest

I DO have male friends that I would talk to or lunch BUT lying about it & taking afternoon's holiday sounds suspicious.
Agree with poster who said if it was work-related, he wouldnt have had to take it as holiday. My brother has lots of long lunches but never as holiday

hope your fears are unfounded....

mrsmaddyd · 23/04/2008 08:10

Hows it going Daisym? Hope you have had chance to really talk to your husband.
I dearly hope we are all proven wrong on this thread and your man is as you said a really nice guy who wouldnt cheat on you.

daisym · 23/04/2008 09:07

Tackled him about the Edinburgh trip last night- said I really wanted to go with him and would investigate cheaper flights myself. He has now asked if he can go to a 'work do' tonight- very short notice, apparently he only found out about it yesterday afternoon, or so he says. I asked him if the woman was going and he said no. I think I believe him. Had a look at his phone and found a couple of texts from other women he works with, they seem pretty innocent- one asking how she got on with a date (shes recently split from her husband)and another replying to something work related. It does make me think though. Maybe he actively enjoys mild flirtations with women? I thought he wasnt into all that but he obviously is and I dont know him as well as I thought. Even if its all innocent it makes me worry that I dont actually know this man. I thought he was 100% family orientated, not into other women all but completely into me!

OP posts:
mrsmaddyd · 23/04/2008 09:56

He sounds alot like my hubby. He attracts women al the time un knowlingly to him, he is oblivious to it all. He ends up helping them through break ups, problems at work etc by being a shoulder to cry on and has ended up with women getting crushes on him. Generally becuase he is a really lovely kind guy.I have had to point out that he has to be careful with crossing the line, he doesnt mean to lead them on but this is how i ended up marrying him when he took me under his wing.I got a massive crush and decieded he was mine wether he wanted it or not

He still could be innocent in all of this. You now your husband better than us. Just be carefull and question everything untill your sure in your mind that he is not playing away.Take Care and Good Luck

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