He lied to me about meeting another woman for lunch

[daisym]

I have always been able to trust my husband who I believed would never ever cheat on me because he is such a nice guy and seems to genuinely love me and our baby. Infact I could never imagine him having an affair as he has strong views about fidelity and remaining faithful and he would be annoyed even if his best friend for example was unfaithful. So it was even more of a shock when he told me he was at work when infact he was having lunch with another woman, a friend apparently who hes met through work. I have no problem with him meeting female friends but do have a problem with his lying. Why did he feel it necessary to lie? Surely if it was innocent he wouldnt have felt the need to. Its not as if I am a clingy wife either, we both have careers and have our own friends as well as enjoying doing things together. When I confronted him he seemed to think it was no big deal and has I noticed started hiding his mobile. Am I overreacting??

Coming home early could however be over compensating. I had an affair with DH (which I justify on the basis that we were clearly meant to be given that we're now married with two DCs!) If I saw him I'd come back earlier than expected to make it look like I wanted to spend time with my ex. To throw him off the scent IYKWIM

And lunch doesn't often take all afternoon. particularly if he knows her through work so presumably she had to have an afternoon off work too. All very premeditated and suspiscious.

I really am sorry though. I strongly feel that you should try to get him to own up and nip it in the bud because it sounds from your post that you feel the relationship is worth keeping.

xxxx

What about e mails too as you can read deleted items?

mummyj- I don't think that justifies and affair!

Well I do pedilia.
I wasn't married (although DH was). We met and couldn't not be together. We tried hard for the sake of our other halves but couldn't stop it once it had started.

We've now been together ten years, have two lovely DCs and are very much in love.

We regret that we hurt others though.

Sorry to crash your thread daisym.

Damn it, men are stupid.

Imo it doesn't mean that he's in the midst of a fling; but he needs to know you are one savvy & riled woman.

I have 2 friends whose hb's have had an 'emotional' affair with women at work or it looked like something was developing. They are still married btw, although both hb's have moved jobs and, in one case, countries.

One just confronted hb directly and told every single person in the family so he had his own mother, aunts, brother, BILs all giving him a hard time. His mother even turned up at work!

Other friend knew her hb would not be truthful unless forced to face up to it. She said, "Do you know you talk in your sleep? We need to talk".

Bringing it out into the open is probably necessary for your own peace of mind. There just might be a rational, reasonable explanation and if there isn't, the sooner you get into the driving seat on this one, the better.

I would put money on the fact he's having an affair, sorry.

It doesn't take all afternoon to have lunch - presumably he/she get a lunch break?

What time did he come home? 2:00? because if any later than that I would question what they were doing together all afternoon.

My husband too is a really nice guy and i once completeley trusted him. He has not had an affair but he did get himself in a situation. I now no longer trust him and check and question everything even though he is innocent.

This kind of thing is destroying

yes we are still sleeping together, even talking about having another baby in the next year or so (he is more keen than me!)I dont know the woman- apparently they were working on some sort of project together and he invited her out to lunch to celebrate the success of the project... Yes sounds dodgy to me too. I asked him when he arranged this lunch- it cant have been last minute as he had to book the time off work in advance. Yet I have to practically beg to get him to book time off to spend with me. Doesnt sound good I know, trying to keep an open mind but I agree with what others have said, could be the start of an affair which I hope i've nipped in the bud. I hope. God, its so disappointing, I really thought he wasnt like all the other dodgy men I know, have heard about from my friends.

oh and I would have no issue with my dh having lunch with a woman, none. The issue I would have is with the lying. And the taking the afternoon off work without telling you.

WannaBe to answer your question, the lunch was at 2, he arrive home at 6.30... Yes, a very long lunch...

Would they not have been given the time off for that sort of lunch without having to book it as holiday?

I would get hold of his phone and change the settings to save his sent messages. At least if he's deleting the received ones you might be able to get a look at the sent ones.

6:30? . Had he been drinking? because I find it hard to imagine that you could go to a restaurant/pub and have "lunch" with someone for 4 hours and not be drinking, so if he hadn't had anything to drink that would just confirm my suspicions I think.

Unfortunately lots of us are suckers for a bit of attention. It can happen to the "nicest" of guys.

Think about what you want and make it clear to him that this is not acceptable and he hasn't managed to get away with it.

I'd ask him outright for copies of his phone bills etc. He lied and so can hardly complain if you want to check him out.

No not drinking. God this doesnt sound good does it. In some ways I just wish I hadnt found out, pathetic I know.

I can completely see why you are pissed off, angry and hurt. It's the lying that's the worst thing - you have every right to feel betrayed.

But unlike most of the other posters, I don't think he's having an affair. I think he lied just because of all the reasons you state: you would rather he'd book time off work to see you and you have already tried to get him to boook it off and he hasn't.

If I were you, I would try and put it behind you and move on. Let him grovel because you deserve a huge apology for this but don't accuse/suspect him of actual infidelity unless you have more proof.

My brother has very long working lunches because it's a perk of the job/often the way his business is done and because talking b-s is what he's paid to do - man, woman - wouldn't make a difference.

The deleting phone records as a one off might be innocuous. If a repeated pattern of behaviour that is suspicious.

It's the lying that is the problem. Do you think it's possible he simply lied because he knows he shouldn't have had nice jolly when you're at home looking after dc?

daisym,

Re your comment:-
"He invited her out to lunch to celebrate the success of the project.."

Oh dear, this does not look good for you at all. One mistake of many he's made and all condusive as well to having an emotional affair with this woman. He should have celebrated the end of the project with your good self instead. Such things often start as a result of people working together for a long time and becoming more emotionally involved with each other over time. Secrecy plays a huge part in such things and I note he has lied to you about his lunch.

He thought it was necessary to lie because he knew you'd be upset anyway about his behaviour.

He needs to become completely emotionally honest, work on with you why this happened in the first place and stop all personal contact with this woman.

i think people do have long business lunches but i think it tends not to be two people only? more like a small group?

it could be that he knew it would create trouble so did not mention it, but i just dont know

i do hope it all works out for you x

Whether he thought it would upset you and so that was the reason he didn't mention it is irrelevant. If he thought for one second that he needed to lie about it or hide, then that shows that he knows he shouldn't have been doing it. And out of nothing but respect for you - his wife - he shouldn't have gone. And if he really had to go, then he shouldn't have lied.

Why do men hide things and lie? Do they not realize that they always get found out at some point and then looks a million times worse than what it is

see I don't think that having lunch to celebrate the end of a project is wrong. but it should be lunch at lunchtime, iykwim? Over the years I've had lunch with various male colleagues/friends/bosses etc and would be horrified if dh thought I was having an affair with any of them.

But the issue here is that he:
lied about taking the afternoon off work
took the afternoon off rather than just go during his lunch hour (presumably took it as part of his annual leave?)
and is being secretive with his phone.

It's not the lunch, it's the omition of the information. If you hadn't called him at work, would he have told you?

Tell him that he should have told you the truth in the first place. Ask him if there is anything else he wants to tell you. If he is sorry for lying and says he is not up to anything with anyone else, then accept it and move on, because his story could be true (and FFS it's perfectly appropriate to celebrate the end of a shared work project with your colleague rather than with a partner who may not understand the project or be very interested in the specifics). No one individual can meet all another's physical and mental needs, we all need friends as well as a partner (in fact human beings all need friends, we don't all actually need a longterm partner). Without more evidence of wrongdoing than this, especially if he has always been as committed to monogamy as you in the past, you have to let it go, because constant spying and checking and fretting will not only make you miserable and unwell but it will also, if he is not considering a breach of monogamy, make him unhappy and resentful.

I have long business lunches to celebrate the end of successful projects. They are never just a deux and they are always on company time. Why would you take time off to celebrate a work project? Sorry daisy, that sounds a bit unlikely. And it pisses me off because he is treating you like you're stupid.

My DH goes to lunch with other women all the time, I agree, it's common, no cause for concern, there.

However, it's the lying and accompanying behaviour that hurts. He may have just been giving his mind a treat, enjoying the idea that he is young, free and single with no intention of taking things further. Also, you have to consider his female colleague. She may not be available and/or interested.

I think you need a good long talk with your husband, explaining that you are not concerned about the lunch, per se, but about the deceitful behaviour surrounding it. It may be helpful to ask him, if the shoe was on the other foot, how would he feel?