He lied to me about meeting another woman for lunch

[daisym]

I have always been able to trust my husband who I believed would never ever cheat on me because he is such a nice guy and seems to genuinely love me and our baby. Infact I could never imagine him having an affair as he has strong views about fidelity and remaining faithful and he would be annoyed even if his best friend for example was unfaithful. So it was even more of a shock when he told me he was at work when infact he was having lunch with another woman, a friend apparently who hes met through work. I have no problem with him meeting female friends but do have a problem with his lying. Why did he feel it necessary to lie? Surely if it was innocent he wouldnt have felt the need to. Its not as if I am a clingy wife either, we both have careers and have our own friends as well as enjoying doing things together. When I confronted him he seemed to think it was no big deal and has I noticed started hiding his mobile. Am I overreacting??

I'd be tempted to contact the colleague, but then again, I'm barmy.

I also have business lunches. And they are quite frequently just me and a colleague. And also frequently a male colleague/client.

But they don't last all afternoon and I don't have to take holiday for them!

i have read all through this and can really sypathise with you daisy.
about 5 years ago, i opened the phone bills to find my dh's bill was nearly all this one number. it was the first number he rang in the morning and the last one he rang at night. it was almost everyday and even when we were away on holiday. i asked him who it was and he just said 'oh it's sarah's number'!!

i flew off the handle, but he couldnt see what he had done wrong. he reconed everything was perfectly innocent, but i knew nothing of his calls to her. if they were just friends, why didnt he tell me?
luckily she lived 2 hours away, so nothing actually came of it, but i am sure if she had had her way she would have tried to be with him.

i know he is not innocent in it, and do think that he knew what he was doing was wrong, but i put the emphasis on her, saying i trusted him, but not her.

for months after i checked his phone and phone bills, always questioning who he was talking to.

if i handt found out about it it might have led to something more.

but that was 5 years ago, we now have a 2.5 dd and i believe i can trust him.

i would say something to your dh along the lines of, 'i trust you, but not the other women out there, i know how women work and she must know this is not acceptable'iyswim

i hope you work this out, if there is something going on, you can work through it if you feel it is for the best in the long run.

I agree with WannaBe.

My job sometimes involves long lunches to celebrate the successful end of a project. But it will involve a big group, the afternoon off is are granted on company time because it's "business" and the DH/DW's are usually p*ssed off because everyone arrives home at 6pm tiddly! It sounds like he took leave because this lunch was "private". Did he claim the lunch on expenses? Where is his receipt to claim it? That's one way to work out if this lunch was legitimate.

forgot to say, i knew the woman, and saw her several times knowing the was trying to poach my dh, and i wish to god i had said something to her about it, but didnt have the guts.

you should if you can.

Definitiely ask to see the reciept. A reciept will prove that it was indeed a lunch. A lunch to celebrate a project is a legitimate business expense which means he'll be claiming it. If he is not, his lunch with another woman is coming out of your pocket too, so you are entitled to see it.

The sex thing either isnt proof or reason. The more sex men get the more they want. My friends husband was having a sexual affiar for months and they were at it more than ever (husband&wife)so she didnt even suspect.

Get your reciept, check the phone speak to the woman if you have to all with his consent so he knows how he has made you feel. Lack of trust in a marriage will destroy it so he needs to earn that trust back. Good Luck

Can I just say I have had numerous drunken and long lunches (yes that long!) with male colleagues and clients, sometimes just the two of us, always totally innocent.

And I am usually texting/calling my dh and sniggering about it during the event and he certainly knows all about it before

And I have never ever taken any holiday
that is seriously odd
if it was work he would NO way have had to take holiday

I think its fair to say he is definatley flirting with someone else whether it is anything more who knows.

He obviously is guilty about it and I doubt he has actually done anything with her but you need to nip it in the bud now before it takes hold and he can't turn back.

I am going to get slated for this but I can understand why he might need some time to himself - he just went about it the wrong way- deleting texts is not good but again the solution to this is to only delete the texts from that person and leave the rest.... so it is obviously early days if he hasn't worked that one out yet

From what you've said he is feeling bad about what he's done and the guilt is taking hold. Just keep an eye on him, try to be happy when he is at home and make him want you. Lots of attention, sexy underwear make yourself look extra nice. Turn up at work one day for lunch with him looking fine.

Can I just say I have never had an affair ... Above post does make me sound suspect

Well, his phone is now being very well hidden. Before, he used to leave it lying around but now I havent seen hide nor hair of it... just hope its me being paranoid rather than a concerted effort by him to keep it hidden from me. What can you do in this situation? Just keep tabs on him I guess and hope if he has formed some sort of emotional relationship with this woman it dies a death.

That sounds too exhausting and stressful. (Keeping tabs.)

This man is your husband and the father of your child and it is about time you had some answers. You deserve them.

I would tell him he is acting like someone who is having an affair so you are going to treat him like one. That's all. When he goes to work, pack his stuff and put it by the front door. Hopefully his brain will return to his head and not his pants and you will be able to talk this through and if it is all innocent make him realise what he is doing is making him appear very very guilty. WRT the phone. Ask him to use it, yours is out of battery/credit. See what happens with that too and go from there.

Can you swap your sim card with his? Then you will be able to read any messages he is being sent.

just ask to see his mobile bills
if he has nothing to hide he will comply

I agree with notabanana. It will eat away at you unless you talk to him. I also agree that for some men actions speak louder than words and think you should make it very clear that this is unacceptable behaviour.

Hey someone on here had a great idea the other day

If you can get your mitts on his phone and you know who this person is, change her contact details to be your phone no

He will never know if he has her details stored in his phone as he chooses her by name not by no.

Then you will see what texts he is sneding her

good point about reading his mobile phone bill, would never have thought of that! Think a bills due within the next week or so, will keep my beady eye out for it. If the bill comes of course and he hides it, then I will know to be suspicious...

daisy I htink you can get tehm online
ie look now and see who he has been calling

i get mine online

But you will also need to change her number to show your name - otherwise he will get texts from an unregistered number in his phone and he will realise what has happened.

Am PMSL at the thought of errant husbands suddenly thinking they are getting filthy messages from their wives. LOL.

oh yes good point

Hadn't really thought it through just thought it sounded rather clever!

Oh it is clever - I just told my DH the advice we were giving the OP and he says we are a bunch of sneaky women!!

Ok just namechanged. Some ideas of what I did when I suspected my DH of cheating.

Wait until you know he is asleep and then get up and look at his phone. If it is so well hidden that you can't find it I think that tells you alot.

Register for online billing in his name, be careful though because sometimes they will text the phone a code to input and he will know what you are doing. After you have registered and looked you can deregister so he won't know.

Check all your online banking/credit cards.

Check the miles on the car.

I really hope this works out for you