He lied to me about meeting another woman for lunch

[daisym]

I have always been able to trust my husband who I believed would never ever cheat on me because he is such a nice guy and seems to genuinely love me and our baby. Infact I could never imagine him having an affair as he has strong views about fidelity and remaining faithful and he would be annoyed even if his best friend for example was unfaithful. So it was even more of a shock when he told me he was at work when infact he was having lunch with another woman, a friend apparently who hes met through work. I have no problem with him meeting female friends but do have a problem with his lying. Why did he feel it necessary to lie? Surely if it was innocent he wouldnt have felt the need to. Its not as if I am a clingy wife either, we both have careers and have our own friends as well as enjoying doing things together. When I confronted him he seemed to think it was no big deal and has I noticed started hiding his mobile. Am I overreacting??

Sounds like he might enjoy a bit of flirting and lets face it, most people do, it makes you feel good and brightens the day.

But there's a line. And I'm afraid taking an afternoon off work to spend it with another woman instead of you, then lying about it, is crossing the line.

Similarly, hiding his phone and deleting texts, it's all bad news.

If he has half an ounce of sense he'll be leaving the innocent messages on his phone for you to see and deleting the ones that matter.
(Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I've learnt from bitter experience this last year.)

Sometimes, even the nicest men (and women) get carried away with the excitement, and can't see what they're about to lose until it's too late.

I think he has given you real cause for suspicion here. It could all be totally innocent and hopefully has been nipped in the bud before it goes too far.

But if I were you I'd be needing a lot of reassurance right now and total openness and honesty (including seeing his phone bills) until you're happy that these women are just work friends and nothing more.

I've felt sick for you reading this thread it's brought back a lot of bad memories. I really hope you can sort this out before it goes too far. Good luck.

Oh my gosh! Thi8s is exactly how my DH affair started.

Lunch, then long lunches, then a night out. A year later I found out he'd slept with her.

Tell him how much he is disprespecting you and your baby. DH started his affair following the birth of our twins. I found out a few days after their first birthday.

Take care and question everything. If he's got nothing to hide he will be available to you and transparent about his whereabouts.

how was today Daisy?

Well, he told me he was going to some after work drinks on Wednesday eve but would be back by 9pm to watch the apprentice with me but got a text at 7 saying he'd be back later. He got home around 9.45. I didnt say anything. I was waiting for him to apologise about being late home but he didnt say a word! Just asked if I'd recorded the apprentice for him, the cheek. I asked him if he'd had a good evening and he said it had been pretty boring (so why did he not come home earlier then??). Still no sign of the phone. Am wondering whether I should start going out for drinks after work to see how he likes it- though of course I cant because I have to pick up dd from nursery after work 4 days a week. So much easier for men, they get to swan around enjoying themselves while we're stuck at home with the baby waiting for them. Then again this could just be my experience.

no daisy it is like that for most of us.

daisy - emotional affairs are very damaging to relationships, even if nothing physical has taken place. Your DH may be having an emotional affair, but will see this as "innocent" and "ok". It isn't, as he will be investing in that new and exciting relationship rather than the one he has with you. Eventually it could end up as a physical relationship, with him deciding he is "in love" with her and leaving you.

I think you need to sit him down and say that you believe him, but that you think he has crossed the boundaries as far as his relationship with this "friend" is concerned. Ask him to think through his conversations with this friend, and whether he would be happy to have had you as a fly on the wall? Does he confide in her about your relationship? Does she confide in him personal details about her marriage breakdown?

And yes, you need to go out after work too!! Your DD is his as well, and he should be helping with picking her up from nursery.

Good luck...

Daisym, hope you're doing ok. Like the fact you are now taking charge and calling more of the shots.

At the moment it's just an intangible suspicion. It's the uncertainty of not knowing one way or another that is painful. Knowing one way or another would be a relief. And you hate them for putting you through that - are they really that insensitive? are they the man you married?

My dh's bf who we love dearly had an 'emotional' affair despite being married to the most beautiful woman I know. The OW was so obviously predatory in a way that women, including his wife, instantly recognise. He was then flattered by the attention and it was ever so gradual, but slowly he was investing his emotions in her and not his family. They would socialise as a works group but she'd always be by his side and they would be the last two left together. The OW would negatively comment on his wife, saying things like, 'I hope I'm not getting you into trouble texting so late' etc.

His wife even deliberately met her when inviting colleagues for a meal. I think to see what the 'competition' was and, although she'd never admit it, because she is so stunning to make the OW feel intimidated. The OW then did the pathetic "I don't think your wife likes me..did I upset her in any way?" conversation the next day, grrr.

What sorted it was actually bringing it into the open, so it wasn't the elephant in the room any more. His wife confided in me and then he confided in me so I felt I could be blunt. The OW was so obvious I could actually tell him what she had done and said before he did - the poor sap. Portrayed her as the bitch she was. Asked him what his parents would think if they knew. Where did he think this was heading? The D word - divorce - was a shock to him. But had to tell him he owed every loyalty to his wife and none to the OW - so far down the line he'd gone that his priorities were warped; he was thoughtless and behaving in a way that we just didn't recognise. Dh, who doesn't do relationship issues ,simply said, "You still seeing that woman?" and shook his head and said "You're a twat."

Sometimes an outsider shining a light on the behaviour can be a wake-up call. I'm not sure I'm explaining it too well but sometimes ime the 'secrecy' of it allows the hb's behaviour to continue.

Thankyou Heated, its great to have so much support. I did mention to my mum who seemed to think I was overeacting. Then again she thinks DH is wonderful and refuses to ever say a word against him. Havent told any frends yet- cant bear the thought of them feeling sorry for me, and also it will change their opinion of him too.
I did mention to my DH that if we divorced he'd only ever see his daughter irregularly and the odds were he'd have to move in with a friend or some cheap dive until finances were sorted. He didnt like the idea of losing his home comforts and his daughter, so I'm hoping this is enough to make him not stray and to loosen these emotional ties he has with OW.

Hiya Daisy glad to hear your sounding more positive and taking control. Still not happy with that phone going missing though!!!!

Have you asked him if he is happy in the marriage? If he does think theres a problem then maybe you can both look at ways to rectify it

good post heated - my h had an affair and all the classic signs are there. For whatever reason us woman just dont want to listen to our gut insticts (i would have rather believed i was mad than think the worst of h).

We are through it now and h considers he had a 'lucky' escape due to my forgiveness and understanding.

but can totally relate to the ow playing a game and the h 'falling' for every trap there is.

An outsider is a good idea as your h will not be able to see the harm this is causing.
It is only now that my h says what an idiot he was and cant believe he really did fall for it.

Will you trust him after you see his mobile phone bill?

I guess it depends what is in it does it not?!

Oppps!! Yes, ment will you trust him if it shows no evidence of anything going on?

I dont know if I will. I wish I could see what they email each other about- and I know he emails her because when I asked him straight out he said 'sometimes'. Feel sad that the man I married turns out to be less reliable than I thought and a liar to boot. Can any man be trusted? Or do they all get sucked into these 'emotional' affairs which can lead to a sexual relationship. He tells me hes happy with our relationship but after this, can I believe him? Who knows.

Have you asked for phone bill access?

Did he say which restaurant they went to? What the food was like? Can you ask, say you fancy a lunch out and could he take you?

I don't know if they all do it but I think sadly it happens alot
People spend far to much time working and not enough time with family. I think sometimes somewher along the way, people can fall into the trap of using someone elses sholders the lean on other then their dearest.

I think it does happen to frequently - and sadly instead of these ow telling them to go home and make amends or whatever with their wife and family they are all too happy to boost their own ego and like to feel superior to the wife.

I know if a friend of mine were to confide in me - male or female i would advise just that and if i thought things were getting too heavy i would back off and certainly not hop into bed with them.

But my problem is i am too trusting and expect others to behave the way i do.

That is not to say i am a prude or anything as i have had feelings for work collegues in the past but have known where my boundaries are.

Daisy, have you told him that you are jealous/suspicious of this OW and that it is making you feel bad? I only sorted out my situation once I did this.

Totally understand why you don't want to confide in family or friends - if and when you work this out you don't want other people suspecting him.

He has now told me he is working late tonight and going to a work do tomorrow night. This is totally unacceptable! Despite the fact he has a wife and child he seems to think he can spend his evenings doing whatever he pleases as if he was single. I am honestly starting to think I dont know this man at all. Talk about selfish.

He knows I am upset about this but it doesnt seem to bother him. I cant believe how quickly things are unravelling, a couple of weeks ago he seemed happy but now its like hes having a midlife crisis at the age of 33. Not good.

Does he usually go out on his own so much or is this a new pattern? Is there any way you can get a baby sitter and go with him?

He used to go for the odd night out now and again with friends I knew, but he now seems obsessed with spending more time with work people. No chance of a sitter though, hes only just told me so very short notice..

Maybe you need a few nights out with friends yourself, he needs to babysit - get dressed up go out & have a good time.

Oh dear, Daisym, am so sorry for you. The blatant disregard for your feelings about going out - whilst knowing how pissed you are about the lied lunch - is really worrying stuff. Is he still hiding the phone?

"He should have celebrated the end of the project with your good self instead."

That's nonsense actually. Within the working environment we regularly celebrate success by taking teams out to lunch, discussions on career coaching (more lunch) discussions on targetting (more lunch) technically interesting points (more lunch) schmoozing clients (yet more lunch). You get the drift.

The one person I almost never take out to lunch is my DH. I do believe this is absolutely typical of the working environment across many industries and professions

It really is not good to encourage paranoia by identifying what could be (and most probably is) an entirely harmless lunch as the start of an emotional affair.