Thoughts on Western men pursuing foreign women from low income countries

[SofiaJessica4]

I'm divided on this as you do hear of people marrying, staying together long term and being happy

At the same time there's a reason people side eye old white dudes with young, pretty asian wives.

You rarely hear of women doing this (aside from casual relationships) so there is obviously a power dynamic going on

The context is my ex, a man with a bucketload of problems, has 'moved on' with a Filipina woman he's met online. She's a student and I reckon 10 years younger. While still waiting for him to move out of my home, he's talking marriage and babies with her. This is a divorced guy with two kids, a Cluster B ex wife, and his own mental health issues. You couldn't make this shit up.

I left him as he is a serial liar and I couldn't trust him anymore. I'm grieving whilst he's apparently infatuated with this person he's never met

Interested to hear people's stories as I've never encountered this 'international' scenario before firsthand

I have friend in this situation, married a massively older man years ago and moved to the UK, she explained the alternative in her home country was very bleak and dangerous so she took the better option, now works, has many friends and an adult child, and is happy. Yes I agree it does make me judgemental seeing these much older men with very young women but they made a choice.

If he never met her, she could be a catfish.

Just get your divorce and your share of the money before he starts giving it away to 'her'.

I think a lot of these men are in for a surprise. They think these women are 'traditional' and perhaps innocent to the ways of men. But many will get the ring on your finger and rinse you for all they can. And largely, good on them.

He may be in for a shock.

I have come to the conclusion that it is people trying to improve their lives. Who of us is not trying to do the same but by different methods?

It saddens me to read those posts that are wishing ill on either party. That is just mean-spirited and will attract bad karma. Be nice, life is too short. I hope that the man/woman woman/woman turn out to be happy and have a great life together.

To be honest I don't see it as any different to the many UK women who want someone who can support them to live a good lifestyle and be a SAHM. From many posts on here love isn't often involved in that either.

I think that for most of human history, marriage has often been transactional. Yes, there have always been classic love stories, Greek myths and Shakespeare, but modern expectations that soul mates and starry-eyed romance are going to happen for everyone are unrealistic. If people are getting what they need from the relationship, I’m happy for them.

My Uncle moved to Australia and did something along these lines. His wife is approx 20 years younger. They are very happy together as far as I'm aware but I think there's also no doubt a transactional element to it. When they got together he was about 45 and her I think 25ish.

I'm not sure though as you see many women enter a marriage with a provider type. They then decide they no longer love that person and in some cases (there's been threads on here before) talking about never really finding that person attractive. They were just the right person at the right time.

Women seem to become very transactional in divorce and can literally switch over night (and I'm not talking with a bad man necessarily either).

If we consider that a lot of dating happens online these days, and I'd assume these types of men are almost certainly going to be looking for a partner via the apps if they are in the UK then their chances are pretty limited.

The research on the apps is pretty clear and even if these blokes do gets dates they're unlikely to be successful are they if they're unable to hold a good conversation etc.

I'm not in a particularly multi cultural town but I've seen a number of couples recently where the white English man is with a younger far Eastern woman, and they usually have a child or two. To be fair neither of them (the men or women) are conventionally attractive, I imagine it started out as something transactional. I don't think there's anything wrong with that on the proviso that there isn't a major power imbalance. I sort of know one of the women and she is university educated, so don't exactly think she was living on the poverty line in her country, but perhaps wanted something better.
I know a Muslim woman and she said many women convert to Islam with the knowledge that marriages are arranged, and they are attracted by this. They seem to be disillusioned with dating apps and want to settle down, and see this as an ideal way. I also read something recently that said the number of people converting to orthodox judaism has the same motivation.

I've also heard the girls/ women tend to go for older guys as they are less likely to want sex so regularly. A guy in his 50's/ 60's will typically want sex less than a man in his 30's/ 40's. With an older guy, the woman could probably get away with once a week maybe....
Of course these men would never believe that?! 🙄 😂

It works in all directions.. There are plenty of males, from poor countries, targeting women from here, either for visas or money.🙄

An elderly friend ( 79) is in a relationship(12 years) with a Thai lady.
He spends our winter with her. They have 2 children.
Before this he was married for 40 years until his wife died.

Just to add to this and a question for the forum, my Uncle's wife is educated so it's not like she did this under any coercion etc but there's definitely a transactional element.

Let's say my Uncle had remained in the UK. I think he'd have struggled to find a British female partner. Nothing wrong with him per se, he's employed and has no history of bad behaviour etc just not the most socially adept although he is highly intelligent.

Does he not deserve a partner on this basis?

This is something I've seen with a couple of women in my social circle. Divorced, in their 40s, custody of the children, much younger boyfriend from India. The relationships didn't last though: the women ended them. I don't know whether the motivation was residency permits, sex, a bit of fun, companionship or all three.

Honestly, I think it's fine. It's a modern Western notion that marriage has to be based purely on love. It was always transactional before - and still is in many places. My in law's are Indian and all had arranged marriages. With the exception of one marriage, I think they all seem happy and have grown to love their partners.
If your uncle and his wife are happy with their choice, then who are we to judge?

Are we of the opinion that there are not an equal number of women who are not blessed with social skils, or is it mainly men that fall into this category?

I found something else on YouTube that was interesting, Filipino women commenting on the expectations of Western women. To be honest they could be seen as an extreme bunch.

I'm not in the category of men discussed here, but I see where you're coming from. I'm English, and I think I was genuinely unattractive when I was younger. Leastways I got next to no dates. I married someone from elsewhere and I think that helped as we didn't have as much cultural expectations of each other - I think it helped us to 'see' each other better.

(that was in reply to @DWK123

I think that's quite a naive view. Yes, minorly those things apply.

It's more that they will put up with any arsehole for the attached citizenship rights and ability to send cash back home to their families. They often hate it. But they'll grin and bear it and act accordingly because it's better than the extreme poverty for them and their loved ones. Western women don't need to tolerate these mens gross behaviour for those reasons.

Among blokes guys who do this are generally seen as sad losers.

I think it’s shockingly exploitative…. For the men, that is. The women usually know how to take care of themselves.

The majority of men I’ve seen who have done this are divorcees who have had a rough couple of years and are a bit angry and sad at the world. There are also some guys who I would say are on the spectrum - they are very socially awkward and struggle with making friends and talking to people. Dating across language and cultural barriers can make these kinds of issues seem less obvious.

I have seen these relationships work out long term, but in a high % of cases it comes to an end once the woman has residency rights in the developed country, whereupon she promptly ditches the guy. I can’t blame them - if I lived in a country that seemed to have few prospects, I’d probably think about doing the same!

This topic of conversation is misleading

All genders can and do go abroad looking for love, relationships, partnerships & in some cases marriage (all genders)

It is not just men looking for a woman

I have travelled to several different parts of the world including Thailand, Philippines, Jamaica. How many people comment, but have never been to see and experience those places & people for themselves ?

i understand your points but it seems he was hardly going to be single for x years

Would you rather have sex with one older man, at most once a day and sex you are OK with or dancing naked in a bar until a man pays your 'bar fine' and takes you off to do anything he wants and repeat tomorrow with a different man?

And if you marry a local will he let you use contraception?

I can totally see how a woman with little prospect of a good job and limited choices goes for what she perceives as the better option.

It's probably a bit like some European women trying to blag a footballer.