Thoughts on Western men pursuing foreign women from low income countries

[SofiaJessica4]

I'm divided on this as you do hear of people marrying, staying together long term and being happy

At the same time there's a reason people side eye old white dudes with young, pretty asian wives.

You rarely hear of women doing this (aside from casual relationships) so there is obviously a power dynamic going on

The context is my ex, a man with a bucketload of problems, has 'moved on' with a Filipina woman he's met online. She's a student and I reckon 10 years younger. While still waiting for him to move out of my home, he's talking marriage and babies with her. This is a divorced guy with two kids, a Cluster B ex wife, and his own mental health issues. You couldn't make this shit up.

I left him as he is a serial liar and I couldn't trust him anymore. I'm grieving whilst he's apparently infatuated with this person he's never met

Interested to hear people's stories as I've never encountered this 'international' scenario before firsthand

Massive red flag, beloved of misogynists who are looking for a 'traditional' woman who knows their place. They're looking for a woman where they have the upper hand.

Really, it's a lot of interconnected questions

-What are men finding there?
-What are men not finding here?
-What are the women finding here?
-What are the women not finding there?

As one other poster commented, this could also be looked at from the other point of view:

-Why are the women here not interested in the men?
-Why are the women there more interested?

I saw a podcast of men justifying it using the explantation of another poster above. Western women are becoming more independent, assertive, controlling, etc. Even this point has two sides. Is it that men want a more subservient woman (abroad), or is it that they are being repelled by the women here due to the more assertive women becoming more antagonistic?

There may be some genuine 'love' involved in these unions, between British men and South East Asian women, but many times it's not like this, and the women ARE being used - and bought. Many of these men can't get a British woman, and this is why they do it.

Also, some men fetishize South East Asian women. My friend was knocked for six just recently when her lovely geeky husband of 38 years who had always adored her, went into hospital for a week after an accident. She had a go on his computer as her laptop died, and she found about 1000 images of young South East Asian woman, some looked as young as 16. Some were topless, some were completely naked pornographic images.

In addition, she discovered that he was speaking to 3 women online from that part of the world, and sending photos to them. He is 62, and had been sending photos of himself from 10 years ago and was telling them he was 47. (They are all in their 30s.) He had about a dozen photos of these women, and several of them were quite explicit. It has shaken my friend to the core.

I don't know why some British men have this weird obsession with South East Asian women. It's so weird. She hasn't discussed it with her husband yet and is still deciding what to do. It's not easy to just leave when you're in your 60s and have spent your whole adults lives together, and have children and grandchildren together. (And all your finances are linked, and you will struggle financially on your own.)

These women are often horribly pressured by their families to marry western men, it certainly isn't their personal choice. They are doing it out of duty and desperation. If they had as much equality in their own country as British women do then I doubt they would be looking twice at these sad men. It's only really one step up from modern slavery. Everyone knows this which is why anyone with any empathy would feel quite uncomfortable when seeing a couple like this. The man may think men are admiring him but everyone knows he's just bought a person.

He provides money
She provides housekeeping and sex

Transactional

Forever and a day many women have had to do whatever they can to survive the internet just allows these transactions be more international.

I know of someone who married a Thai woman that he found on a dating site especially for western men to meet Thai women. She's younger but not loads younger than him and they seem very happy together. They've been married for years.

I grew up in Jamaica and there are a LOT of women, particularly American and German women that have relationships and children with young Jamaican men. At first I found it revolting but then I got to know a beach life guard who was 24 with a 41yo German girlfriend. They really love each other and have now been together 12 years and have 2 children. They are married and they live in Germany. He told me that her business success and intelligence is hugely attractive to him and he cannot believe how badly she had been treated by German men. He works as a gardening contractor and is the main parent. They have a great relationship, and they see things in each other, qualities, that were overlooked in their own culture.
I hated the attitude of a lot of white men in Thailand but again, I know happily married Thai women who have build very successful businesses in this country with their loving husbands support. It is not always clear cut and simple.

I knew you were talking about the Philippines before I saw it in your post.

Unfortunately due to the high poverty rates many Filipino women date and get married to foreign men for financial stability and support. There's a big movement for this and the men claim it's because the women are more "feminine" compared to western women and "less woke". In summary they want women's who will do their bidding and play the "traditional" role of a woman.

Unfortunately there's also a lot of scams associated, I've heard stories of Filipino women dating men from the US, UK, Australia etc, get them to invest in property (foreigners cannot own land in the Philippines) in the woman's name then surprise her finds out she was married all along and her so called brother was actually her husband.

I was going to say I hope he is careful but then maybe he will get what he deserves.

This happens in countries like Thailand as well, I got the ick when I was in Bangkok about 10 years ago and you see these old while men walking with girls young enough to be their children or even grandchildren.

As you rightly said it's mostly men but some western women also do this eg the Gambia is a hotspot for white British women to get young men, Jamaica etc are also spots but it's definitely a bigger issue with men.

There was a poster @kestrelmoon who made a lot of interesting points on a thread on this topic but I'm not sure how to link it...I think it was in March this year in AIBU

Subservience ... in response to your question.

I said apart from the residence issue, which is part of that obviously.

I know of 2 cases where the woman lives back in Thailand, the man is usually in the U.K. for work but goes back to visit.

Seems like a pretty good deal to me but I feel sorry for the kids.

What @soupfiend says

Thread theme pops up every so often and seems to be dog whistles for casual racism under the guise of concern trolling.

People of all nationalities partner up, some relationships are exploitative, some aren't.

Some become exploitative as people change and children come along.

Not all brown women are desperate nubile submissive slim Others.

Not all white women are independent aggressive mainstream careerist domineering types.

If you walk around the "nightclub party red light clubbing" district of ANY major city you'll see some weird shit and people in odd interactions.

Moving to a different country with a partner may be a dream opportunity or it may be a nightmare if things go wrong.

Lady Isabella Hervey has claimed she was in an abusive relationship with her posh looking rich ex-husband.

Mr Vanguard of Aryan Western Civilization himself, Elon Musk, is in some surreal custody battle with his ex.

Grimes is much younger than him and I doubt she'd have been interested if he was a manager at Walmart!

Out of the people I know who have (provably) exploitative/unhappy relationships, the majority are white couples.

Small sample which just shows my age group and the make-up of my social group, it really doesn't prove anything!

Long term relationships have happy and unhappy times. Some people are troublemakers regardless of country.

There's also the racist assumption that many people are desperate to move to the UK...

There's a sizable amount of people (especially given the state the country is in, and the reality of remote working) who want to move TO all these other countries.

It's not for the submissive women, just if you have the skills to happily work off a laptop why the hell wouldn't you?

People on 50k a year are struggling with the CoL crisis, why NOT move to Bali/Thailand? Consenting adults do what you like.

I think it's wrong to say British women don't do the same sort of thing. I'm always hearing about middle aged or old British women who marry young African men, or men from the carribean. inews.co.uk/culture/television/sex-on-the-beach-channel-4-documentary-gambia-holiday-british-women-tourism-seyi-rhodes-664083?srsltid=AfmBOooFBlNSLR7UhcHfWOXVJ9_Hr8sQzdvsYaC0yX6262cwp_0etLVa
I'm sure someone will come along to say it's not as bad when women do it (because this is always the case on Mumsnet) but in my opinion it's exactly the same. You have older or less attractive men and women who probably don't have much success with the opposite sex in Britain, travelling to a poorer country for sex abd relationships. There are plenty of locals willing to have them for a better life.

I don't know how to link this thread, but there's a poster on it @KestrelMoon who is really interesting (I'm not that poster!) It's from March in this year and challenges a lot of assumptions.

It's because these guys can't cope with "Western" women and their incessant demands. A woman from an oriental culture is more likely to be accommodating and grateful. He may have to support her family but an IT guys salary goes a long way in some places. It's transactional but not against any law...

My cousin is 65 and has a Filipina partner. He often posts pics of get togethers of men in a similar realtionship.
I just look at them and think how grim must it be to travel across the world to live with an old, fat, unattractive Scottish man🤮

The post assumes that all the men have the same MO - looking for a young, nubile, subservient woman with no mind of her own, happy to escape to the West with no say in her own life and choices.

I know many happy, successful, long-term marriages between Western men and Asian, African, Caribbean and Eastern European women. Some with younger wives and some where the couple is of a similar age range. Many of these women also do have these romanticised ideals of marriage, so marry for reasons that suit them.

It's also ridiculous to think that for many of these women, they are just being exploited and the men are allowed to have their way with them. These women are often very adept at holding boundaries in these relationships. They have clear terms on what is and isn't acceptable in the relationships and the men are more than happy to hold up their end of the bargain in order to maintain harmony.

Abusive and misogynistic men are to be found in all types of relationships, but no-one except a sexual deviant wants to travel to the Philippines (or wherever) every other year to find a new wife, so the men are also invested in making the relationships work.

As some many women on MN dislike men (as a class) and want nothing to do with men (as a class).

Why do you care so much that they are finding someone else that they might just be happy with and will be happy with them?

Assuming legal age (let's look optimistically here), why is this transaction any different than the one on MN last week?

The question was asked, if you were offered 250k to have sex, would you do it? The overwhelming majority said yes (I'd imagine, probably including some of the 'grim' posters above).

At the end of the day, a man is getting what he wants, and the woman is getting what she wants. No coercion. If you were 20, and a man offered a life worth ten times what you'd otherwise be getting (worth half a million, say), you're doing the same thing.

I secretly look down upon it and consider the man inadequate for having to go for a poor
woman from the other side of the world (judgemental I know).
I also looked down upon the older women in '90 Day Fiancé' who genuinely thought that 30 year old Turkish men were into them 🙄

Western" women and their incessant demands.

Lol.

What demands are those?

Most Western women I know break their backs working part-time or full-time, contributing to the household income, doing most of the house work and life admin, being the default child carer, trying to look "nice" and often deal with issues like cheating, porn use, alcoholism, selfishness etc. in return.

My h's friend's Filipino wife demands he support her family, ongoing, demands designer gear, demands a nanny for their two kids etc etc.

Pull the other one

and the woman is getting what she wants. No coercion.

I'd actually consider poverty, deprivation, family pressure, and being from non democracies ... to be a form of coercion.

If they were comfortably off, would they choose those men as sexual partners and life partners ? Nah.

The question was asked, if you were offered 250k to have sex, would you do it? The overwhelming majority said yes.

But if they didn't take the opportunity for the 250k, they'd still be relatively comfortably off in a democratic state with free healthcare, free education, state pensions, and a benefits system etc.

Have you ever been in Thailand?

Ever noticed the smell of raw sewage, the skeletal dogs, the rats, the begging kids, the sex tourism (including CSA tourism), the portraits of the King everywhere ..... I could go on.

There's a British guy on YouTube who was married to a Thai woman, telling his story. He was actually not much older, I think. She asked him for a contribution to her family's finances when they got married and told him it was the done thing. He said he was shocked at the conditions her family lived in and that her father reacted to the gift of money (not a huge amount relatively) like he'd been given a million quid.
His wife ended up passing away from hiv/aids complications. She'd been a masseur who did extras at one time and also slept with her bosses/pimps as and when "required".

It's not comparable.

To answer some of your questions.
Why are the women here not interested in the men.
Mostly because middle aged British women see right through these types of ageing men. They're not attractive to them physically or in any other way. Many of these men have misogynistic attitudes and a string of exes that they call crazy.

Equally these men do not want a British woman their own age because they feel entitled to a younger model. Especially one who will put out and shut up without asking too much of them. They certainly don't want an assertive and controlling British women their age (God Forbid) They then find that no self respecting younger attractive British woman is interested, so they look to Thailand or the Philippines.
The Thai and Filipino women aren't daft. They know the transaction.
These men are, in effect paying for sex.
Is it a problem for anyone else? I'd not want to sleep with one of these 'men' myself so they can crack on as far as I'm concerned.