Thoughts on Western men pursuing foreign women from low income countries

[SofiaJessica4]

I'm divided on this as you do hear of people marrying, staying together long term and being happy

At the same time there's a reason people side eye old white dudes with young, pretty asian wives.

You rarely hear of women doing this (aside from casual relationships) so there is obviously a power dynamic going on

The context is my ex, a man with a bucketload of problems, has 'moved on' with a Filipina woman he's met online. She's a student and I reckon 10 years younger. While still waiting for him to move out of my home, he's talking marriage and babies with her. This is a divorced guy with two kids, a Cluster B ex wife, and his own mental health issues. You couldn't make this shit up.

I left him as he is a serial liar and I couldn't trust him anymore. I'm grieving whilst he's apparently infatuated with this person he's never met

Interested to hear people's stories as I've never encountered this 'international' scenario before firsthand

What I want to know is why are you concerned about what your ex is doing. These discussions always end up being controversial with stereotypes being brought up all the time.

“If person 1 wants someone to run a home and have kids and person 2 is happy to deliver that in return for security, income and a nice life, that is fair enough. And that happens at all levels of 'western' society if not overtly.”

that’s true, I’ve seen many many posts from women on here about their vile husbands and when asked multiple times why they stay say they want to keep the lifestyle he provides for them and their kids and don’t want to be more poor basically

Do you though? Is that why this thread is absolutely packed with racist stereotypes, both from the posters here and also different racist stereotypes ascribed to men in relationships with Asian women?

"It's OK if the Asian woman is middle-class/westernised/educated" is the equivalent of the "you're one of the good ones" trope and I have no time for it. You don't know the details of any given relationship from the outside, and all this thread tells me is that when you see an Asian woman with a white man, you make racist assumptions about them.

If you want to judge a relationship you're personally acquainted with fill your boots. The generalisation is what makes it racist.

I have encountered so many white women who trot out nonsense about only being attracted to providers and who fetishise men's pay packets. Should I assume that all low-earning or non-earning white women married to rich men are in exploitative relationships?

You don't know the details of any given relationship from the outside, and all this thread tells me is that when you see an Asian woman with a white man, you make racist assumptions about them.

Perhaps you misread or misunderstood my posts. I help support women to escape controlling and abusive situations. I don't actually see the women in question, it's done over the phone and online. The details I know about their relationships are the ones they give me.

All my posts have been about that issue, or in response to questions about that issue, I have not generalised anywhere.

Feel free to be offended on behalf of privileged women everywhere, but I think you're attacking the wrong person.

Ex Embassy visa officer here from a SE Asia country.

I once asked my very nice, middle class locally employed Embassy staff if it was socially acceptable to marry much older white men. They looked at me in absolute horror - it's a total no no. The girls coming in for visas lived in absolute and total poverty - houses made of palm fronds, no electricity, no white goods and had never used them, no spare clothes. But smart enough to know how to go online at the internet cafe or a friend's mobile phone to get on to the dating websites.

They dated literally anyone - including men in prison, unemployed men on benefits, men in their eighties as well as multi millionaires. Saw it all as they came in to get their UK tourist/fiancée/spouse visa. The objective was to get the monthly allowance (for 'their brother's school fees/operation/uniform/books etc"), some had multiple foreign boyfriends and some went each month to the expat GP to get tested for STDs with each different boyfriend. The majority were what were called "bar girls" and came from very poor backgrounds.

If they had children, then they were already married. So they would lie on the visa form (without realising we checked their status & would then refuse them) to try to achieve objective no 2 which was to get foreign fiancé to adopt them when they married. They could bring them to the UK, including children who might not be their own (with fake birth certificates - we picked those up as well). They knew they'd get child support to UK standards when they divorced him. It was impressive. These women were very, very focussed. All the money went back to their home country.

And provided everyone recognised their roles - hers was to cook, clean house and provide sex and his was to provide a suitable amount of money without complaining each month, then it was possible that the relationship developed. But she had to have the money as she gained 'face' by sending it back to her family.

God I don't miss that job. It was soul destroying.

FWIW most men I know who, like me, have wives of a similar age from the UK/EU, look upon these guys as sad losers.

This ^

As someone who has lived and worked all over the Far East from Singapore to Japan there are a lot of Asian women who would more than comfortably hold their own in any culture and with any male counterpart.
Also as an ex pat brought up in that part of the world from a young age I am attracted to Asian people.
I didn't hear exploitation cries when the UK government was paying £ooo's to attract Asian nurses to the NHS. Where are these nurses to find partners then?

I wanted to comment something along these lines.its very easy to say these men are domineering, misogynistic men who can't handle a relationship with an empowered western woman. Men who want a meek and subservient wife. However, many of these men are rather pathetic. The type who would he described as sad losers by some.
I know two men who've gone down this route. Both are nice guys but couldn't find a British partner. One is rather unattractive and autistic (nothing wrong with that, I know). The other is good looking but incredibly nervous. He stutters and shakes and jumps out of his skin if you say hello.
Both of them wanted what we all want - a loving relationship and children. I'm certain they weren't looking specifically for subservient women, but rather for someone who'd have them. Both their wives are very strong women. One works, one chose to a housewife saying "Why should I work? He's the man. That's his job". I've heard rumours that one of the wives shouts at and hits her husband. These are not repressed women.
My own aunt is from the Philippines (met my uncle here, not an online bride) and is the most feisty, outspoken member of the family. We all love her but she's always bossing us around and telling us we're too fat etc!
It's wrong to assume that all these wives are meek and subservient and that all the men are monsters.

Thankyou!

Agreed on the last part especially! I sometimes wonder if some posters on this thread pushing the meek trad wife stereotype have ever met a Thai woman or Filipina - the ones I have met have known how to stand up for themselves

Usually the woman comes from a poor family/country and her only aim is to secure a better life for herself. If that means being with a man who's 10 years older (or even older) then that's what she'll do. There may some who genuinely do love or fall in love with the men but I think a large proportion are in it for a better life. Is your ex (physically, as in looks wise) the type of man a woman 10 years younger would genuinely find attractive?!! If not, then my guess is that at some point his little fantasy life, will come crashing down. She may stay a few years, if he's lucky, but otherwise will be off, once it suits her. You can't blame these women for wanting to escape a poor life. It's the daft middle-aged men, who go along believing these women genuinely love them!

It's perhaps an interesting contrast to Ivy League assortative dating.

You say there are rumours an autistic or anxious spouse might be shouted at and hit?! Could you or anyone report or offer support, please please, it's awful when someone is vulnerable in their home.

Not all the men are awful. It's like everywhere. Some will be creeps and some will be lovely men who aren't good looking or funny enough for the average woman here, (UK). If a man is short he might as well forget it. He will be laughed at and pitied and very few women will look at him - however kind or generous or loyal he is. If he's nerdy, boring, (some ASDs affect social skills), or not in a great job many women will dismiss him. But he wants love and sex the same as anyone.
I think this can be a factor.

It's good that there are caring people like you. I wish more people cared. I think a report was made but the problem is he adores his wife and his no intention of leaving. He's also double her size so I can imagine it wasn't taken seriously, sadly.

Because they think they are more submissive and easier to control. I used to work on a men's helpline and spoke to many like this. Without exception they were inadequate, gross and predatory.

Absolutely true. If anyone has read french novelist Michel Houellebeck he is the patron Saint of such men. He talks about the hierarchy of attractiveness inherent in the western dating scene and the limited options for unattractive men. He absolutely adores Thailand for obvious reasons. It’s creepy but it’s a reality.

@Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice - Thanks for what you do. I worked in a shelter in the US for a while and it was really hard. In Australia I was in the national park where every one knew everyones business, so it was well known who was being abused.And it was a distressingly high number of the women who had been brought over after the local guy had gone looking for a wife.

My own aunt is from the Philippines (met my uncle here, not an online bride)

and that is the difference, isn't it? I have not said anywhere that all Asian women are one thing or another and that was not my experience. However, I am not going to pretend that the things I saw, heard and was told did not happen.

Do you though? Is that why this thread is absolutely packed with racist stereotypes. You don't know the details of any given relationship from the outside,

I have had enough women tell me about their experiences to be able to comment however much you dont like what I am saying. I agree that classifying all relationships or generalizing is racist and stupid.

When you see an Asian woman with a white man, you make racist assumptions about them.

I personally do not. But that does not mean I did not live in a small southern town in Taiwan for years listening to the foreign men talk about the local women in ways that were beyond vile. A few foreign men dated foreign women. A few others met local women and established good, kind and healthy relationships. The vast majority would struggle to get a date back in their home countries due to their truly horrific ideas about women and their obnoxious behaviours. One boasted about knocking women up and not paying child support. Many faked their qualifications to get visas attached to teaching jobs, but had been drop outs at home and had nothing going for them - their only status in life came from being white men in a place where there were not many of them. Edited because I left the many out.

Yes, that was my experience. My lovely boss was a good foot shorter than me (I am above average but not majorly tall), and had an eye condition. He told me he would never get dates back home in the USA and that was part of his motivation for going travelling. He married a local woman in Taiwan and they had a brilliant relationship. He was also one of the few foreign men with local wife who had learned the language, which he spoke fluently.

Oh, give it over. Have you seen the state of British men and women? We're hardly going to win in the beauty world rankings. The world is globalised and that means dating too.

Man at my work in his 60’s has one of these Thai wives. She doesn’t work here but looks after him (he has quite a few health issues) and after his elderly mother. He looks to me like a gentleman and decent person. However this sounds more like an unpaid carer situation. It is transactional, but it can be both ways.

Posted too soon, but to put it bluntly and without trying to offend anyone British born women do not excel in beauty, elegance or style.
I also used to work with men that prefer Eastern European wives and they also explained that they were more beautiful, more down to earth and less fussy than the British ones.

i do not belong to any category so only talk from what I’ve been told.

Why? To stroke their ego.
Western men are considered a good catch so these guys will be more popular than they are at home. My old boss had over 1000 hits on Poland tinder vs 2/3 in here.

I think its OK. No one is forcing those women. Many woman have secured their futures via marriage since the beginning, in fact it was the only way until relatively recently. Its just the way of the world. I'm sure most of them are happy enough.

This is interesting to watch.