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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To lbecome a SAHM if I don’t want to?

267 replies

Yesgojess · 23/09/2024 10:12

My husband works in finance and works 12 hour days including commuting, and once a week will be out late with clients. The kids (18 months and 3) love him but he’s very much fun dad. I do all the hard graft, everything at home falls to me and I’m trying to hold down a part time senior level professional job that I worked hard for. The thing is I’m just crumbling. I’m burnt out week to week, I do all the meals, drop offs, pick ups, housework, cleaning, organising. He leaves the house before the kids wake up (and they are both up before 6), and then it’s just non stop until they are in bed. If he gets back in time he will stick them in the bath while I clean up downstairs but it’s all just a mad rush and it’s not like he takes over, I’m still just grafting alone all day. He’ll do the dishwasher once a day, make a soup and a few brunches on the weekend and that’s about it. He thinks this counts as being “non-stop” and “doing everything” outside of work. Neither of us ever get any down time. It’s been all go ever since we had our second. Not to mention when he started a new job and I had a 21 month and 8 week old and he said he needed to sleep in a separate room because he had to be on form, while apparently it was fine for me burn out and break down while being made to feel like I was pathetic for not coping.

I’m barely staying on top of my job, it’s impossible to get into the office because the morning juggle is usually so stressful that I’d end up being really late if I went in, added to the stress of being the only one to do pickup if the trains are messed up (which is common). So I stay at home and end up doing a million household jobs and just being stressed out all the time. We had a cleaner who had to leave the country a few months ago and I tried getting a babysitter in to help and she kept flaking, but despite all this think ultimately the issue is I just don’t want to be parenting alone or with paid help and no partner to share the load. It’s just not the same and it’s not what i want. I feel like my own mother who was a single parent and always stressed out doing it all herself. recently I’ve realised that something has to give and I’ve seriously thought about giving up work to stay on top of it all but I just feel so sad about giving up my career to be a skivvy just so my husband’s life can carry on as normal. We’ve talked about all sorts of options but he’s just so intent upon needing a ridiculous amount of financial security at the expense of my mental health. I feel like I just hate him for leaving it all to me and I fantasise about leaving him. Struggling to see what’s best for the kids in all of this because I just want them to have a happy home life with some equality and not a stressed out mom and absent dad. What should I do? Would you quit, give him an ultimatum? Spend all of his money and stop giving a shit? I just don’t know what to do. Things are so bad I’m just crying all the time, still getting support from the peri natal mental health team and just see no sign of things getting any better.

thank you for reading if you’ve got this far. I know it’s a first world problem and people have it so much worse for so many reasons

OP posts:
Original poster
Yesgojess · 16/01/2025 12:54

So we got married. He started to help out a bit, staying late one morning and coming back early another evening per week. Then suddenly stopped for one reason or another. He tends to do this - he’ll scrabble to offer some limited help when I lose the plot and it quickly fizzles out. I got a great cleaner/ housekeeper in and a nanny for the mornings, though unfortunately this wasn’t great as clingy baby wasn’t having any of it.

So after months of deliberating, a week ago I decided to quit my job and try and enjoy some time with the kids before they’re both in school. We discussed him slowly stepping down from his role and finding something more family friendly in the very near future. But in the week since I quit, DH has repeatedly mentioned that he’ll have to “step up” more and go “all in” at work now and I’m horrified. I’m clearly going to have more than ever on my plate and his response was something like “well how will you have more on your plate if you’re not working?”. He’s also talking about sticking it out for another 2 years until he’s paid off the mortgage, and all I’m thinking is that I’m going to be parenting alone for an incredibly long time. I’ll never get another job because nothing will be flexible enough and I just hate him for leaving it all to me. Why am I so stupid. I really thought I was making this decision properly after a lot of deliberation but these comments have knocked me for 6. I realise I’m a complete fool and I already feel stupid enough, but I guess my question is, can I rescind my notice or is that utterly mortifying?

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 16/01/2025 12:59

You can ask work, it’s certainly happened before.
whatever you do you should be making plans to tell him to piss off out of your life except for contact with his children.

SouthLondonMum22 · 16/01/2025 13:00

Yesgojess · 16/01/2025 12:54

So we got married. He started to help out a bit, staying late one morning and coming back early another evening per week. Then suddenly stopped for one reason or another. He tends to do this - he’ll scrabble to offer some limited help when I lose the plot and it quickly fizzles out. I got a great cleaner/ housekeeper in and a nanny for the mornings, though unfortunately this wasn’t great as clingy baby wasn’t having any of it.

So after months of deliberating, a week ago I decided to quit my job and try and enjoy some time with the kids before they’re both in school. We discussed him slowly stepping down from his role and finding something more family friendly in the very near future. But in the week since I quit, DH has repeatedly mentioned that he’ll have to “step up” more and go “all in” at work now and I’m horrified. I’m clearly going to have more than ever on my plate and his response was something like “well how will you have more on your plate if you’re not working?”. He’s also talking about sticking it out for another 2 years until he’s paid off the mortgage, and all I’m thinking is that I’m going to be parenting alone for an incredibly long time. I’ll never get another job because nothing will be flexible enough and I just hate him for leaving it all to me. Why am I so stupid. I really thought I was making this decision properly after a lot of deliberation but these comments have knocked me for 6. I realise I’m a complete fool and I already feel stupid enough, but I guess my question is, can I rescind my notice or is that utterly mortifying?

Get in touch with work immediately and say that your circumstances have changed. Hopefully they haven't got anyone else in yet.

What an arsehole.

Original poster
Yesgojess · 16/01/2025 13:11

They haven’t got anyone in as i think they were planning on giving my work to someone else. I just can’t juggle it all anymore. I cried when I handed in my notice and my boss kept asking me if I was sure - I just didn’t feel like I had a choice anymore. “D”H is just completely obsessed with paying off the mortgage and keeps saying no other job would be flexible or pay as well. I couldn’t give two hoots about the money anymore, I’m completely miserable.

OP posts:
category12 · 16/01/2025 13:24

Yesgojess · 16/01/2025 13:11

They haven’t got anyone in as i think they were planning on giving my work to someone else. I just can’t juggle it all anymore. I cried when I handed in my notice and my boss kept asking me if I was sure - I just didn’t feel like I had a choice anymore. “D”H is just completely obsessed with paying off the mortgage and keeps saying no other job would be flexible or pay as well. I couldn’t give two hoots about the money anymore, I’m completely miserable.

Phone them up now and ask.

category12 · 16/01/2025 13:38

And I'm really sorry that he manipulated you into this situation.

You're not a fool, it's just he's not a team player and has given lipservice to your needs while in fact being deadset on his own aims.

Concentrationneeded · 16/01/2025 13:43

He's wasting his time focusing on the mortgage to this degree because if it continues, you'll likely end up resenting him and divorced so he'll need to sell the house anyway.

TheDogHasFarted · 16/01/2025 13:48

You can retract notice. Contact your employer straight away and, as someone else said, say your circumstances have changed.

category12 · 16/01/2025 13:58

Concentrationneeded · 16/01/2025 13:43

He's wasting his time focusing on the mortgage to this degree because if it continues, you'll likely end up resenting him and divorced so he'll need to sell the house anyway.

I'm willing to bet that if it wasn't the mortgage, there would be some other "reason" he needs to work like this, like pensions or whatever. I don't think it's actually about the money.

Pumpkinpie1 · 16/01/2025 14:15

Don’t give up your job OP . It’s your life independence x x
Your H has shown he can make changes if he wants , make him keep his promises

Original poster
Yesgojess · 16/01/2025 14:23

Thanks everyone. I wanted to be happy with the decision but I’m just not. His attitude constantly stinks. Wasn’t happy with a 6 figure bonus last week because he thinks he’s worth soooo much more. He kept reminding me that my salary was pretty meaningless in the grand scheme and yet now has decided he’ll have to work harder without it?!

I really wanted to be happy with this decision and just enjoy quality time with the children, but it doesn’t seem to be possible with such a crap husband.

OP posts:
Caramellie3 · 16/01/2025 14:50

I think it’s hard to do it all when your children are small. But if you have a clingy baby and go back is that going to make it harder. I gave up for a couple of years and went back when my youngest started school. You need to do what’s best for you. Your clingy baby may get used to the nanny, it’s probably harder if you’re at home. He sounds quite obsessed with paying off the mortgage which most people can’t do at a young age but he is the one who is going to miss out.

MaxTalk · 16/01/2025 15:11

He is a loser - time to look to end the sham of a marriage you are in.

I would be very wary of giving up work - never be reliant on anyone ever IMO.

I work in Finance with people like him so know the type well. No respect for anyone or anything and ultimately they will end up miserable.

PinkArt · 16/01/2025 15:17

Talk to work immediately. The good thing about you being upset when you resigned is that the door is already open to the possibility that this might not have been the right decision. It sounds like they don't want to lose you and you don't want to go so get that fixed.
Get that sorted as quickly as possible as then you need to look at the bigger problem that is your husband. He is telling you who he is. He is not someone committed to changing to help you and he is not someone who sees the children as his responsibility beyond financially.
Buy in more support if you need it while you work out your next step, which for me would be divorce. I couldn't stay with someone who respected my time and my life so little.

Therightcoffee · 16/01/2025 15:59

Talk to work immediately - as everyone else says! You do not want this - he doesn't appreciate the caring you're doing and you not working is just giving him another way to feel he can deride you, make you do everything and act like he's a martyr...

Things will honestly get better as the kids get older, work wise at least...

YRGAM · 16/01/2025 16:06

If one of my team at work had been there for 9/10 years as you said earlier in the thread, they knew what they were doing in terms of performance, and they resigned and then rescinded that resignation, I'd be utterly delighted I didn't have to faff about finding a replacement who would probably be inferior to the person leaving. Talk to your company today and withdraw it!!

Therightcoffee · 16/01/2025 16:11

And just a general reminder to you and your dh, that kids need you for years and years, in fact it's harder to substitute yourself at later ages when it's homework help, interesting projects and conversations, things that you yourself want to be there for.

Care for babies and younger children is the relatively easy part to outsource (I know it's not easy to find good care though).

NeedsMustNet · 16/01/2025 16:14

Yesgojess · 23/09/2024 10:12

My husband works in finance and works 12 hour days including commuting, and once a week will be out late with clients. The kids (18 months and 3) love him but he’s very much fun dad. I do all the hard graft, everything at home falls to me and I’m trying to hold down a part time senior level professional job that I worked hard for. The thing is I’m just crumbling. I’m burnt out week to week, I do all the meals, drop offs, pick ups, housework, cleaning, organising. He leaves the house before the kids wake up (and they are both up before 6), and then it’s just non stop until they are in bed. If he gets back in time he will stick them in the bath while I clean up downstairs but it’s all just a mad rush and it’s not like he takes over, I’m still just grafting alone all day. He’ll do the dishwasher once a day, make a soup and a few brunches on the weekend and that’s about it. He thinks this counts as being “non-stop” and “doing everything” outside of work. Neither of us ever get any down time. It’s been all go ever since we had our second. Not to mention when he started a new job and I had a 21 month and 8 week old and he said he needed to sleep in a separate room because he had to be on form, while apparently it was fine for me burn out and break down while being made to feel like I was pathetic for not coping.

I’m barely staying on top of my job, it’s impossible to get into the office because the morning juggle is usually so stressful that I’d end up being really late if I went in, added to the stress of being the only one to do pickup if the trains are messed up (which is common). So I stay at home and end up doing a million household jobs and just being stressed out all the time. We had a cleaner who had to leave the country a few months ago and I tried getting a babysitter in to help and she kept flaking, but despite all this think ultimately the issue is I just don’t want to be parenting alone or with paid help and no partner to share the load. It’s just not the same and it’s not what i want. I feel like my own mother who was a single parent and always stressed out doing it all herself. recently I’ve realised that something has to give and I’ve seriously thought about giving up work to stay on top of it all but I just feel so sad about giving up my career to be a skivvy just so my husband’s life can carry on as normal. We’ve talked about all sorts of options but he’s just so intent upon needing a ridiculous amount of financial security at the expense of my mental health. I feel like I just hate him for leaving it all to me and I fantasise about leaving him. Struggling to see what’s best for the kids in all of this because I just want them to have a happy home life with some equality and not a stressed out mom and absent dad. What should I do? Would you quit, give him an ultimatum? Spend all of his money and stop giving a shit? I just don’t know what to do. Things are so bad I’m just crying all the time, still getting support from the peri natal mental health team and just see no sign of things getting any better.

thank you for reading if you’ve got this far. I know it’s a first world problem and people have it so much worse for so many reasons

I don’t understand why, when your husband has a serious and seriously well paid job that takes him away for so long, and you also have a serious job and two young children, you have neither a cleaner nor a nanny?

My friends who retained good and well paid careers post kids all did so with the help of wall to wall childcare / cleaning - one even has two nannies - quite a few found older women whose own kids had grown up and who have now been their nannies for years. It gets harder once the children are at school and not in nursery so sort out the childcare and cleaning now, would be my suggestion.

good luck.

NeedsMustNet · 16/01/2025 16:23

If I could delete my message above, I would!

much more complicated than I had realised, now I read the whole thread.
What is it about the City that allows people who work in it to think they are “worth” more than a 6 figure salary but they are so brilliant they can’t be in charge of finding childcare / a cleaner to look after their children and mess!

Original poster
Yesgojess · 16/01/2025 16:41

I think they’d be happy for me to stay, but I do worry about my reputation since cutting my hours, showing I can’t cope, crying and quitting! I really feel a bit embarrassed going back with my tail between my legs when I work with so many parents who make it work

OP posts:
Original poster
Yesgojess · 16/01/2025 16:44

And I was genuinely quite excited to stay at home for a few years. I really enjoy time with the kids, I don’t mind doing a bit of drudgery and work has felt like a huge additional mental load. But the comments he’s made, the attitude, all of it has just made me feel like I can’t rake the risk. I don’t think I can get past the resentment I feel.

OP posts:
IsawwhatIsaw · 16/01/2025 16:59

He’s shown his attitude and opinion. If you’re not working, he will do nothing. And you’ve lost your income…..

category12 · 16/01/2025 17:14

Yesgojess · 16/01/2025 16:41

I think they’d be happy for me to stay, but I do worry about my reputation since cutting my hours, showing I can’t cope, crying and quitting! I really feel a bit embarrassed going back with my tail between my legs when I work with so many parents who make it work

Better that than miss any window for return out of pride/embarrassment.

Arm yourself with a plan to manage the work and just grip your teeth and ask.

Your problem is not work. It's your husband.

If he wants to focus on work and nothing else, maybe he needs to be single.

MaxTalk · 16/01/2025 17:18

category12 · 16/01/2025 17:14

Better that than miss any window for return out of pride/embarrassment.

Arm yourself with a plan to manage the work and just grip your teeth and ask.

Your problem is not work. It's your husband.

If he wants to focus on work and nothing else, maybe he needs to be single.

Show quote history

Exactly, he needs to be single. Having a high flying career is quite easy to make happen if you disregard everything else in life.

Have a serious chat to him. Tell him you are not quitting and he needs to work with you to come up with a solution for you both asap.

Put time in the diary with your boss and have a sensible chat face to face away from the office. Tell them your plan of action and that you would love to stay on.

Make things his problem to sort out.

peachystormy · 16/01/2025 17:36

OP quite simply you can't do/have it all. So something has to give