To lbecome a SAHM if I don’t want to?

[Yesgojess]

My husband works in finance and works 12 hour days including commuting, and once a week will be out late with clients. The kids (18 months and 3) love him but he’s very much fun dad. I do all the hard graft, everything at home falls to me and I’m trying to hold down a part time senior level professional job that I worked hard for. The thing is I’m just crumbling. I’m burnt out week to week, I do all the meals, drop offs, pick ups, housework, cleaning, organising. He leaves the house before the kids wake up (and they are both up before 6), and then it’s just non stop until they are in bed. If he gets back in time he will stick them in the bath while I clean up downstairs but it’s all just a mad rush and it’s not like he takes over, I’m still just grafting alone all day. He’ll do the dishwasher once a day, make a soup and a few brunches on the weekend and that’s about it. He thinks this counts as being “non-stop” and “doing everything” outside of work. Neither of us ever get any down time. It’s been all go ever since we had our second. Not to mention when he started a new job and I had a 21 month and 8 week old and he said he needed to sleep in a separate room because he had to be on form, while apparently it was fine for me burn out and break down while being made to feel like I was pathetic for not coping.

I’m barely staying on top of my job, it’s impossible to get into the office because the morning juggle is usually so stressful that I’d end up being really late if I went in, added to the stress of being the only one to do pickup if the trains are messed up (which is common). So I stay at home and end up doing a million household jobs and just being stressed out all the time. We had a cleaner who had to leave the country a few months ago and I tried getting a babysitter in to help and she kept flaking, but despite all this think ultimately the issue is I just don’t want to be parenting alone or with paid help and no partner to share the load. It’s just not the same and it’s not what i want. I feel like my own mother who was a single parent and always stressed out doing it all herself. recently I’ve realised that something has to give and I’ve seriously thought about giving up work to stay on top of it all but I just feel so sad about giving up my career to be a skivvy just so my husband’s life can carry on as normal. We’ve talked about all sorts of options but he’s just so intent upon needing a ridiculous amount of financial security at the expense of my mental health. I feel like I just hate him for leaving it all to me and I fantasise about leaving him. Struggling to see what’s best for the kids in all of this because I just want them to have a happy home life with some equality and not a stressed out mom and absent dad. What should I do? Would you quit, give him an ultimatum? Spend all of his money and stop giving a shit? I just don’t know what to do. Things are so bad I’m just crying all the time, still getting support from the peri natal mental health team and just see no sign of things getting any better.

thank you for reading if you’ve got this far. I know it’s a first world problem and people have it so much worse for so many reasons

OP, thank god you are as strong as you are because you have married into an awful shower.
Shutting down your husband ruthlessly is the only way to go when you hear him him spouting their bullshit.

I would start muttering about moving to Australia if I were you.
It would be no harder as ye have zero support here!
Not that you want to see any more of them.
Do not budge on that.
As your children age, send your husband to visit them.
I couldn't be listening to such utter hypocrisy from your MIL, it would give me the bloody rage.
Women like that serve absolutely no purpose whatsoever and it is best to avoid them.
Well done for ceasing to give a shit about their view of you.
It is very liberating to tell your husband "I can't stand your family, don't want to hear or speak about them, keep their views on shit to yourself pls".

I love my in laws incidentally but have had a few friends who said a version of the above and simply refused to have ANYTHING to do with them or host them, because of their opinions on them and their lives.

In every case it took up to a year or two, but they 100% got the message to STFU and they moved on to a polite distant relationship....but still NO hosting!

I distanced myself emotionally from my IL - yes polite distant, you don't want a rift ideally because it becomes awkward with the dc but I put the onus on dh to see them, arrange things, I don't facilitate it. And I try not to discuss myself so they get fewer opportunities to dissect my life choices or make 'helpful' comments.

And yes, like @schoolfeeslave my job came inn very very useful in the last few years for school fees...

So glad to hear some similar situations with in-laws because you do think you’re going a bit mad when everyone points at you for being the mad one! Unfortunately I did cause a bit of a rift when FIL kept shoving his iPad in my son’s face (he was 2 at the time) after the 100th time of me asking him not to. Lost my rag after 9 months of sleep deprivation with my second and blurted out everything I’d ever thought about them 🫠🫠. It was bound to happen eventually but what finally got my DH to see the light was when FIL left his phone out on our kitchen table where he’d been texting someone about how I “needed a bullet”. He now sees that his dad is a misogynistic c**t and there’s not much I can do about it, but that I’m also not imagining it! But sadly he still feels somewhat indebted to them for the nice childhood and opportunities he was given. The only plus side of him never being around is that we don’t have to host them very much.

anyway sadly my local David Lloyd’s creche is a pain as it’s only open for a few inconvenient hours but I have asked flakey babysitter to come for 2 hours every morning for the time being. On the plus side she’s very flexible, and her flaking won’t stress me out if I eventually have to rearrange my whole working day around her. She’s pregnant so it’s temporary until I find something more permanent anyway.

i feel like I am very much oversharing on here and im sorry as I am not a regular and don’t know the etiquette!!!

*don’t not eventually

Get a cleaner or a housekeeper.

If your DH has tolerated his father saying you should be shot, then I’m afraid it’s not just the father who is a misogynist c*unt.

He can roll his eyes and placate you all he likes, he doesn’t actually disagree with them.

He didn’t, he sent them packing there and then but we opted not to admit that we’d snooped in his phone, as I’m the one who saw it. Very awks but it has given me a lot more freedom to dictate time we spend with them. So not all is lost

OP, my netiquette is worse than yours as I've already posted (I'm in the get a nanny/cleaner/housekeeper/team of servants brigade). Why not get the flakey babysitter for 4 hours a day? And give yourself permission to do something really bad, like burp or not shave your legs or have a glass of wine at 11am "just because it's Tuesday". Not every Tuesday, but sometimes.

Ha they sound awful, most of us would've blown up in those circs! Mine would never commit such an open gaffe.

We have different standards, but in your position I guess I understand why. I’d expect DH to have told him what you saw, told him it was utterly unacceptable, and told him he had no place in your lives after that sort of behaviour.

Am I allowed to pop back on to ask another question or should I start a new thread?
I’m back home and on the hunt for help. My concern is the additional mental load of juggling “staff” and the guilt of spending more time away from the kids. Does anyone have any wisdom to impart? How do you balance the need for help with feeling guilty about taking time away? I know I sound really naive but I just keep feeling like I should be doing as much as possible with the kids. I spoke to a load of SAHMs at a playgroup yesterday who all convinced me to give up the juggle. I can’t stop going round in circles.

Your problem was asking mums at a toddler group.

The one big thing you need to learn is that parents lie .
A lot of answers you would get to a question like that come from emotion. They have made one choice and so are emotionally invested in that choice. They will then try to persuade everyone that it is the only choice.

In my experience as a SAHM when my kids were small: I knew fabulous Nannys, I knew kids who had a mixture on Nannys and nursery, I knew fabulous child minders who provided amazing enrichment, and also fab nurseries.
The parents all seemed to really care about their children, and have a great time with them, but also worked on their careers.
There is nothing wrong with dropping your child with a professional and pretty much concentrating on the rest of life until you next take charge.
Get good professional help that doesn't need directing, and do your own job to a professional standard too.

Isn't that a bit like asking a group of gamblers if they think risk taking is a good idea?

Juggling is one way of looking at it, vs a full life with many parts.

Of course people have to choose the life that works for them, and goodness knows you cannot pay people to care to the level you would, but that does not mean chicken need your full focus all the time. In fact that's claustrophobic in a different way for them.

Mine are teens and older primary and honestly, it's not SAH'g when they're small that's the decision, it's what happens 5 years on when you turnaround and look at what's next.

By then you have a dh used to doing nothing and being facilitated, and kids who likewise are used to 100 percent of someone's time and attention.

Most (not all) of the sahp I know did not have jobs they particularly liked before they had kids that were still feasible for them to do post dc - so that was perhaps an efficient outcome for them, to concentrate. Did that come up?

I did take some time out too but luckily a short spell that allowed a reset.

Some jobs/industries are more forgiving than others of time out.

Fuck his parents

A good nanny is really worth it

Ours cooked us dinner, came back to a tidy house, kids happy, washing done

Thanks so much for your insights!
I’ve been tying myself up in knots over wanting to do it all myself AND keep my career and it’s clearly not working.
I took the day off today and discovered there are absolutely no jobs like mine around that aren’t full time for less pay and more days in the office (in terms of thinking about the situation in 5 years which is indeed what really scares me.) And yes I’ve noticed that too re SAHP - which is another reason I’m so reluctant to give up a good gig. But I agree everyone just does what works for their family and I have huge respect for SAHMs. I just don’t think it will work for my family in terms of husband getting a free pass and my MH suffering.
Alas, I think you’re all right. It’s not my job that’s the problem and I just need to outsource as much as possible until we are through the relentless bit (if it ever ends).
On the plus side, I’ve found a cleaner, loads of good nannies and joined a gym. I’ve also got a bit of time off to sort my life out without doing anything rash.
thanks again everyone!

Forget about the dress - this is the legals. At the very least get a civil partnership at a registry office before you even think of downsizing your career.

It sounds like things will improve slowly over time now you've got a better setup - I've nearly quit several times over the years but it doesn't make a huge amount of sense when the job is the smallest easiest part of the problem. I always say don't make big life decisions when you're feeling down/in a particularly bad spot as doesn't make for good long term thinking.

And yes, working part time is handy for years and again hard to work yourself back into.

It'll be better for you and your dh if he isn't more facilitated by you, and better for the dc too. My dh would love to have me do everything but honestly, he knows that he spends a lot more time with the children than he would if that were the case.

Wow, I read the whole thread and I can't believe what you've had to put up with. Just to weigh in from my experience working full time with young kids (went back FT when they were 4 and just-turned 3yo twins, part-time since 3/ 20mo)).

We used nursery and then infant school plus part-time and then full-time housekeeper. I do the drop-offs, then she comes and does all the housework/ tidying/ washing/ ironing while kids are at school, has a break, picks them up and gives them snacks and generally entertains them till DH or I get home. Yes it's expensive but if you both have good jobs, it's worth it.

We then do homework, dinner, stories, bath and bed each evening. I still feel I get to spend quality time with them each day and by the end of the weekend, I am happy to go back to work and leave the mess for someone else to tidy up.

Also - if you start to feel guilty, ask yourself how much you genuinely remember of your childhood pre-school. My lovely mum gave up her career and stayed home because it was expected - and the sum total of all my memories with her before the age of 5 wouldn't add up to an hour if I replayed them in my head. That's not to say what she did wasn't valuable, but in the end, as long as your children are happy and well cared for, however you split that, they will be fine. I adore my kids and they often tell me I'm the best mummy in the world Make the time you have with them count, don't count the time.

2 months in Australia… does that mean two months staying with dhs sibling? Poor siblings partner, especially if sibling is a boy and partner is a woman. 2 months 😮

I work full time, so I try and treasure the time with the kids. I was struggling with always being tired and overloaded and thought I might be anaemic but I wasn’t, the gp suggested I go part time and I was just no. I dropped a few balls on the housework front, handed some off to dh, prioritised getting to bed by midnight and having a nap on the weekends, got promoted and now we can afford more trips away etc. My work is flexible and values me, I take time out Friday to take dc2 to sport, we are having two mini trips these term holidays, i love time with my kids but I didn’t love staying home with them all the time, and I think it’s best of both worlds and gives us the most flex for the future.

Haha, well she’s a smarter woman than me. She ignores their BS and really puts them to work. Refuses to do any nappies, cleaning, cooking when they are around. Takes daily lie ins, the lot. She even Potty trained her DD1 while they were there and made MIL clean up all the shits. 🤣 They think she is significantly worse than me but they are pretty scared of her (given that they’ve had bust ups before and think that she dragged their son to Australia). I think I’d rather be in her shoes tbh.

I took the day off today and discovered there are absolutely no jobs like mine around that aren’t full time for less pay and more days in the office (in terms of thinking about the situation in 5 years which is indeed what really scares me.)

THIS

Don’t give up a good, flexible job where you have built up networks and credibility.

Also - are you married yet??

Why don't you take a week off. Not of work. Go to work. But from a hotel where you are staying. Let him see how hands on he really is. Leave your phone behind so you cannot be reached or be tempted to check in. Pay cash to stay at a B&B. They'll be fine. Email him and say you're taking a week off from everything in order to be willing to remain in the marriage and if he can't buckle down and do exactly what you're been doing for years for just one week, without going to family, then you're done. And let him know you're done with the constant emotional and financial abuse so he better change his attitude double time.