Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

[Pleasenotme]

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

@Secondwifenotsecondbest

The 'Dreams' are so cruel, aren't they.

It must be our brains working out the emotions, when we are in a sleep state, we can no longer squash down emotion, and it bubbles up as dreams that can be so realistic.

It's possible to have a dream many years afterwards- and they can certainly catch one off guard.

Lovelier dreams are of departed pets or horses who you dream of- but again, on awakening there is the stark realisation that they are not there.

I do think animals are the most 'Faithful' of all.

They won't cheat, {unless they are a Cat- there are a lot of ''Six Dinner Sids'' out there}.

I feel like I'm talking a lot about my own experience here, but hope at least some of it is helpful or comforting to anyone else going through this.

I think some people are just more selfish. And some fear getting older. Definitely the case for ex-DH, who was approaching 40 the first affair and coming up to retirement from the job that gave him status the second time.

It's shocking and frightening to witness someone you love and trust turn against you so completely and suddenly. The second time he left I asked him if he realised this might mean he lost his children and did he think it was worth that, and he said yes, he wanted it whatever the outcome. I'm not sure that many women would be able to respond that way.

I was mid-50s when I remarried. (I was very young the first time, so maybe we did well to get to 30+ years together.) Of course, we didn't have to marry second time around, but it was something we wanted to do, and my DH in particular felt it was a good thing to do to show my children he was committed to me. Financially it was a terrible choice as it ended the pension arrangement I had (too complicated to go into here), but it was heaven to be free of the last bit of control that ex-DH had over me and messed around with every month, causing endless upset. (A bit of advice: do anything you can to maintain/acquire an independent pension source. Some schemes make it difficult for you to do this.)

I don't think anyone should feel ashamed to admit that they wanted to take an errant partner back. I suffered both times he left, and felt my life was over and the past was tainted. I felt unworthy and dirty. At the start I mourned the wonderful husband I'd lost. I felt it would have been easier if he'd died, as he wouldn't have chosen to leave me. They were dark days. It took time to move on from that. I read somewhere it takes a year to recover for every 7 you were together, and that seems about right to me. Eventually I got angry but most of that wasn't about his leaving or having someone else, it was about the way he treated me afterwards, and the control he wanted over how things played out. (Interesting how they don't want you, but they still want to control you.) I realised later a lot of it was caused by him proving himself to the OW. After all, if he was so untrustworthy he'd have an affair, he needed to work doubly hard to show his commitment to her, even if that meant being extra nasty to me. (I do wonder how people who've got together that way ever really trust one another, having both proved how untrustworthy they are?)

These days I don't feel hate or bitterness towards him. I don't like him either. I just feel indifferent. He's of no consequence in my life. I never thought I'd be able to say that. I can look back at the past and it doesn't seem ruined any more. I can see the good times we had. The relationship I have with my (now adult) children is fabulous. And the bond they have with my new DH is more than I could ever have hoped for, testament to what great people they are, and that they've been prepared to open themselves to it. So please, don't ever think your life is only worthwhile or complete with that one person who's disappeared into the sunset. There is a good life to be had beyond that. Be prepared to embrace it, literally.

@Pleasenotme

I don't think anyone thinks you're 'boring'. We understand that this process involves repetition. Repetition of words, thoughts, and actions. That's exactly HOW you put things into the proper perspective and then put them 'away' or take what action is needed.

As far as some of us saying get your dignity, move forwards, stop caring, etc etc I know those can be hard to hear from many mouths when you aren't ready for it. I always think of the line from Tootsie when one of the characters has just been dumped and she's getting emotional. Upon being told "Oh, don't feel like that" she responds angrily "Don't tell me how to feel!! I'm going to feel this way until I don't feel this way anymore!!!". And that's what you need to do. Feel what you are feeling. Let it wash over you like an incoming wave until that feeling departs (at least for a little while). Just remember that just as waves roll in, they also roll out. So you do you. Just remember that as the days pass you'll find your way and you will get your dignity, begin to move forwards, and stop caring. It will probably start to happen without you even seeing it then you'll wake up one morning and say "I'm halfway there!".

If you need a breather from us, take it! We'll be here if and when you feel like coming back. And if you don't, because that's your prerogative too, know that we all wish you peace and good luck.

Many posting here will say move on as they have been through similar and years later the only thing you wish is that you were kinder to yourself and didn’t waste as much time over them. But you cannot rush the process it will be raw for sometime.

I had a wobble yesterday as more stuff came out and I’m nearly a year on but it’s nothing like the first few months I honestly felt so lost in it all.

When you have been with someone so long you are used to going to them if grief struck but when something like this happens and the person you went to is the one causing you pain it’s just worse. Lean on friends, therapy, an distraction are good.

The more time that passes the more you get used to this version of themselves too. The euphoric recall will lessen and be replaced with who they are now, heck who they probably were deep down all along.

Hope you are been easy on yourself and finding your inner strength even if at times you think the only way out is to beg them. That’s natural if someone was causing you pain you would beg them to stop and this is what something like this is. It’s someone causing you a great amount of pain.

You got this. 🤍

Thank you all, I'm still here in the background, lurking.

@Secondwifenotsecondbest I found your post very moving, and insightful. I am trying to draw strength from some of your experience. I managed to meet up with a friend last night for a drink, and probably ruined the evening for her by sobbing my way through it. All I wanted was to be with HIM and undoubtedly I am still in a place of disbelief, suspended animation. I had to wash my hair to go out as it was disgustingly filthy and was shocked by how grey I looked. I have never believed that people can go grey overnight but I definitely have aged in this past week and look washed out and exhausted.

H has been in touch to argue about what he pays into the joint account - and so it begins. I felt exhausted by the sheer effort of explaining the figures to him but above all depressed that this once committed family man is behaving in a way that I have heard him criticise others for over the years. I know that downstream this will be resolved but rushing to lawyers at this juncture is not practical, when the need for money into the joint account in the next few days to pay the key bills is pretty immediate, so it was all nausea-inducing. It made me very sad. What has become of him, where is he? His soul seems to have left his body, along with any scintilla of compassion, and been replaced by a walking, talking cliche. It's horrible.

All I wanted was to be with HIM

No you didn't, because when you have been with him he's been a complete bellend with you. You wanted to be with the version of him that you remember, and which you will never know was real. That's natural because you've had a total bomb dropped on your life and your brain can't catch up.

Have a think @Pleasenotme - when you feel a bit more like doing so - about your relationship. You've really painted it as sunshine and roses and I wonder if you have overlooked his bad points over the years.

It's good that you got out and your friend won't mind about you being upset, she's your friend and it's natural at this point. You say you "probably" ruined the evening for her - I doubt that. She must have known your circumstances. What did she have to say about what this man has done?

Yup,, you’re going to get there, and you are going to be just fine. The more of this shit he pulls. The more you need to wade through this shit, the more the scales will drop from your eyes. In a few months as you keep wading through all this, you’re going to wish he would just fuck off.

snd yes, so it starts, if he’s already arguing about rhe joint account, it’s going to get worse, he’s going to fight for every penny. Be prepared.

Yes, @Pleasenotme and so it starts.

The cruelty will stagger you.

It staggered me when I was going through this.

His love disappeared overnight. I was just...... horrified and filled with despair and disbelief.

Well done on washing your hair and getting out of the house. I bet that took some doing.

Your friend won't have minded you sobbing all evening, I'm sure.

Keep posting when you're ready. We'll all be here to help you.

Hi nice to see you back 💐

take the win for the last couple of days.

you washed your hair and went out. You say you sobbed the whole time, but you achieved the first going out. Next time will be easier and you’ll sob less even if it’s still 90% of the time it’s still less.

you also had a grown up conversation about money with the knobhead. (Apologies if you’re not ready to call him that yet) and it sounds like you achieved exactly what you needed to.

its so sad that he is treating you this way but being nice right now doesn’t suit his narrative, in his head you are being mean and unreasonable not selling the house and still expecting him to contribute etc. (ps you’re not, you’ve played this perfectly).

hope yhe ADs have started to settle.

Good to hear from you, so glad you got out to see your friend. Don’t worry about how you look, it’s like when you’ve been ill, your real face is hidden behind the pain. But it will come back! Next person to contact you (unless it’s him), maybe ask them over for a coffee? I know you don’t want to, but contact with other people will help.
Write yourself a list every day. Just write get up, have tea, and then 1 tiny other thing to help you, and1 thing you have to do. At times of stress I like watching old episodes of Poirot on tv, and reading the novels of Georgette Heyer. Other people go in for self care, face masks and eyebrow shaping etc. One of my friends swears by highly focussed deep cleans, she will spend a day making her bathroom gleam. Another friend does crossstitch, but only when she is really upset. She chooses the project based on the awfulness of the situation, she made a whole set of cushions when her Mum got cancer, but some egg cosies when her eldest went to Uni. A lot of your supporters here are recommending walking and or swimming, and they do have known benefits. Just one thing every day that may give you a break from the circularity of your thoughts.And one thing to keep life ticking over.

Hi @Pleasenotme

Glad you were able to get out of the house and that your friend provided a shoulder to cry on. Every little step helps.

Have you looked at Chumplady https://www.chumplady.com/about-tracy-schorn/

When you are ready I think you will find it helpful. She's in the US but her bio says she is collaborating on a podcast with a BBC journalist.

Take care.

I think your story is a sad reminder to us all that any man is capable of deceit. It's astonishing how an affair changes a man.

Oh OP.

I really feel for you. I haven’t been in your exact situation (My husband and I married when we were very young -18, & he died when we were 24 - I’m 44 now) but @Secondwifenotsecondbest makes a good point about tucking the bit of him you miss away, into the pocket in your heart.

That’s what I do some mornings, when I’m lucky enough to wake up and have a half second where I sort of forget he’s never going to be here again, and that I’ll have to see him ‘next time round’ .

It gets easier to cope with. But not quickly.

I hope today you've felt a little better. My heart goes out to you, so so much.

You want back the husband he used to be. Not the person he is now. The previous husband has gone forever.

Avoid seeing or talking to him if you can.

You're going through a form of grief.

Good luck and I hope you get your life back soon.

I’ve read both your threads and I wish we were friends, you sound awesome. You’re funny, articulate and confident with a great family and good friends. You are everything most people aspire to be. I am fuming that your husband has treated such an amazing woman with such contempt. I feel your bewilderment and pain through the screen, but you are lovely, I can tell. He is not lovely at all, he is hurting you so much, how can he live with his actions? I know you will recover and be happy again, you have already shown that you can cope with anything.
I am sending you much love and support. Keep going. X

Really pleased Pleasenotme you were able to wash your hair and get out to meet up with a friend. 🥇 Try and plan a little something everyday.
If you are not happy with your hair you could have some highlights, to change your ideas and make you feel better about the new you.
Look after yourself

If your ex gives you a pen to sign something, put the pen down and read the paper later and only sign when you have discussed it with your solicitor. You have the right of your home.

@Pleasenotme
Well done for washing your hair.

When one is reeling with shock and emotional distress, a simple task like washing hair is monumental.
It’s like having glandular fever all over again.
The strength needed just to raise one’s arms to work up a lather.

Well done for meeting your friend too-

Tears from sorrow actually contain stress hormones- I remember someone telling me this, so it’s actually beneficial to cry, to get the toxins out.

My husband too began being dickish about paying bills and the mortgage

The OW began infiltrating his vocabulary.

One of her words was “ Excellent” , said in a sarcastic manner.

He started to pepper his talk with her catchphrases.

They turned up on my doorstep once “en famille” all matchy- matchy- in identical jackets with a present for our son.

I was so angry I said “ What the fuck are you doing here? ( Meaning her) and they left and she made a big deal of me “ Swearing in front of chill-dren”

I said “ you think a present 🎁 makes up for stealing (our son’s) dad?”

@Pleasenotme At least you are an Accountant
Hopefully you have knowledge of his finances, and any sneaky things he might do to hide away his money.

Glad you got through another day and night.
👍👍👍

@Pleasenotme As to what changes our Husbands when they leave- I know exactly what you mean
Mine was 📦 boxing up all his stuff and carrying it out to a van like he was a shell.

It LOOKED like him ( albeit with poncier hair) but his body language was all stiff and awkward.

I was crying ( as was son) and he said “ Don’t confuse me”
A glimmer of the old him for a nanosecond- then the shutters came down again.

The empty room, save for a piano, and a few posters was painful.

I feel your pain I'm so sorry one day at a time x

Thank you all for continuing to support me on a journey I don't wish to be on and I'm sorry that I'm not replying to every comment, so many of them absolutely heartbreaking. To those of you who have PM'd me, I would do anything in my power to take away your own suffering as I would not wish any of this on anyone (well, perhaps the OW..) @oakleaffy YES, it was so hard to raise my arms to lather, in fact I had to have more than a couple of goes and ended up leaning against the shower wall for support as it was simply exhausting. Such an everyday task, yet it felt like a monumental effort.

I've been looking into my employer's staff wellbeing programme and it seems I can have six sessions of counselling by an external provider. I really don't want counselling at the moment as the mere thought of talking to a stranger about this is just too much but I'll investigate. The irony is not lost on me that I'm talking to the Mumsnet Massive about the most personal things, but somehow it feels different, and relatively safe.

I have my review with the GP later; the receptionist has booked me in for a double session so I assume that's 10 minutes rather than 5. I intend to get to the practice early as it has become a bit of a focus, this GP chat, as in my wildest dreams he will wave a magic wand and all is well, and all will be well. It's not going to happen, is it.

I miss him, I miss him. I'm sobbing. The bleakness is simply awful. I physically hurt with it. Dear god, this is agony.

I can feel your agony and I felt it, too.

Having a bath was quite beyond me, for a very long time.

I'm so sorry, and I'm ready to listen to you. Take your time, as even getting dressed will be difficult.

Thank you, impossible to express how grateful I am for such human kindness x

Just remember you don't have to sign the divorce papers, you don't have to do anything. Make him work for the damned divorce if he wants one and wait for the full 5 years...or is it 2 years now? I know divorce procedures have changed, refuse to have the house valued or sold. He cannot force you. After having to wait for a divorce his ardour will have cooled off with his new woman. Let him take it to court if he wants it. You are fully entitled to refuse a divorce by law and refuse to pay for any of it. Why should he have it easy.