Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

[Pleasenotme]

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

I have to say the concept of him, if she follows through on leaving her husband, having to deal with two exceptionally badly behaved under 5s ...... Is actually very blackly funny.

You can just about put up with it when they're your own.

He may be back after that's all that has run it's course but maybe you won't want him back then.

And I'll tell you something, you shouldn't take him back. Because I've seen this play out on several threads here and they often leave for another ow down the line.

He's now only as faithful as his options. That's been the case since he opened the door to this ow.

Most women wish they'd never taken them back, only to be betrayed again. And have to go through the whole process again.

You are not boring anyone and no one thinks less of you for wanting him back, some theoretical new love in the future is zero comfort to you at this point, they mean nothing, he means everything. I believe he may try and come back in the future unless he becomes addicted to the excitement of a new relationship. He is finding you needy and an annoyance as you have identified yourself so please try and fake fabulous until you make it, his attitude might change.
I remember wishing I could be put to sleep for a year until I felt better so didn't have to endure the pain, romantic rejection is the worst pain there is imo, so many of us can identify with your situation. Hope the fact that others have been through it and are now happy gives you hope, don't think well it's all very well for them but I won't be happy, you will be, with or without him xx

Pleasenotme. I am now in danger of boring you all to death so I think I probably need to step away for a while
Please do not stop writing here, we are all here ready to help you with our own experiences. Remember you are not alone. Wishing you a good night’s sleep.

OP if posting here provides an outlet for your feelings please continue to do so , no matter how boring you think you’re being . There are so many people here who have been through it and are rooting for you . It can feel like such an isolating time

@Pleasenotme

I have sufficient insight despite all this to know that I am now in danger of boring you all to death so I think I probably need to step away for a while.

Please don't step away. We're all here to listen and support you. When I went through the same with my ExH, I honestly don't think I could have got through it without the Mumsnetters. From the 'tough lovers' through the 'I've been theres' to the 'huggers'. Every message was supportive - practically and emotionally - and got me through it.

Please give your head a wobble about resigning though. I took VR when ExH left and due to needing a job I could do as a single parent of three kids, I now earn less than I did 22 yrs ago. I know your children are adults, but I really regret making that knee-jerk decision and screwing up my career.

And keep the faith OP. I never thought I'd get over him, I thought he was the love of my life. But the following year I met the true love of my life, who's been an amazing step-dad to my DCs and nursed me through two years of Long Covid.

Dear pleasenotme hang in there - just try to get by each day , try not to think too far ahead right now and for the next few days. Once anger kicks in and it will , you will be able to action more . At the moment you are in shock and panic . Keep breathing in and out , force yourself to eat and grab some rest, even if only for limited time.
I know it’s horribly hard as this exact same thing has happened to me too .,
Lean heavily on friends and family .. they got me through
sending hugs - it feels like the world has ended but it’s just a different one starting X

Dear Pleasenotme, long-time lurker here, also posting in support.
Think of him like this: if you ever saw Invasion of the Bodysnatchers (1978), starring Brooke Adams and Donald Sutherland - he, in the final scene, is really chilling. Your husband has been colonised by lust, vanity and infatuation. He's no longer the man you loved, and he will never fully recover. He may come back to you and say the fever-dream has broken. But he has irrevocably changed, and so have you. It's like a death - you can't go back to how it was before. He can't unbreak your heart; only you have that power and you will eventually realise that he'll never have that power again. You and your family are disoriented by the fact that he has broken something precious and irreplaceable. But you do have the strength to build something new and strong, forged by what you're going through now. Your faith in yourself will return. I hope and wish for you that it comes very soon. Thinking of you regularly and wishing you strength and even joy. 💐

Please @Pleasenotme don't step away, especially if you feel that writing on here is cathartic. If you don't want to, you don't have to keep updating us on what is happening with "H" or ow. Perhaps check in every now and then to tell us if you had managed to have a meal, or go out for a walk, or read an article, or something made you laugh.
There is no quick fix, and rare minority telling you to pull yourself together need to be realistic. It's clear that you have loved your husband very much. What you are going through now is very similar to greaf. Only you still see the ghost of the person that your husband was turn up, or call. Only it's not him anymore, it's this cold stranger that does not remember the happy times you had as a couple and family. I find him rushing you into divorce and house sale especially cruel. He had only just told you that he's done. Why the mad rush to sell the house??

As for your daughter- don't worry, the sane part of mumsnetters understand she doesn't actually plan to hurt OW and she is having a normal reaction to her parents sudden divorce.

@Pleasenotme you are not boring anyone to death. It’s good to hear your words as then we know you are ok.

Don’t feel pressured by the impatience of others, you will falter but I bet in one year you will come back to this thread like the phoenix you describe and think fuck I’ve come such a long way 🙏

Op, you’re not ready for this yet but you don’t want this man back, the man you want back is the man you married, that’s not the man that left. You certainly don’t need or want a man who doesn’t want you but this will come In time.

my best advice to you is, if your daughter came to you in this identical situation, take the advice you would give to her.

take one day at a time. Everytime he enters your mind say out loud or in your mind, fuck him.

do not be rushed or bullied into dancing to his tune. You write so eloquently despite your pain, you are clearly a formidable woman who is highly intelligent. He is banking on the devastation he has caused to blind you into a bad deal. Take time to process, get everything you deserve out of the settlement. I guarantee he is terrified of your capabilities in the divorce settlement.

when you’re ready for some tough love, you got this, don’t waste another tear over that prat. You are better than this, you would never treat him this way and that’s testament to who you are. You deserve better and he doesn’t deserve your tears or any space in your mind or your heart. Boss up and change your life, take charge. Be sad, but not forever. The more you heal, the stronger you get, the more broken he will become. He isn’t special, he’s pretty ordinary, you’re love makes him special, without it, he’s just that, ordinary 😘😘

It may not feel like it now, but things will get better. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. As Winston Churchill said 'If you are going through hell, keep going. Thinking of you.

Just wanted to add my voice to the many on here as you have been in my thoughts often over the last few days. I have been where you are and even now thinking of the pain, the shock, the feeling of being completely blindsided and betrayed by someone you love, it feels unbearable. I would advise surrounding yourself with friends, activities, return to work, and see a therapist. Mine helped me so much to reframe what I was thinking about him and our relationship and helped me not to panic and be pulled under by the pain. You sound like a strong intelligent and personable woman, you have everything going for you, you will get through this xx

Thinking of you@Pleasenotme
As many of us are.
You have loads going for you
Intelligent
Witty
Honest
Honourable
A lovely mum ( who raised lovely children who now have your back)
You have proper friends in your life and a kind boss…and a good brother.

These are the scaffolding that will give you support.

My husband actually left on Boxing Day
NYE I’d gone to a friend’s party with 4 yr old and completely lost it and came home by 9pm

Crawled into a cold bed and as fireworks went off at midnight, thought

” I will one day be hearing fireworks on NYE and I won’t be heartbroken “.

I was imagining husband and OW in front of the fire at her house- and it was grim.

However he told me in later years how her kids disrupted a lot- Stolen trysts in the stationary cupboard were very different to kids barging in the bedroom 🫣

OP I am sending you all the love. You are a lovely woman and do not deserve this

OP please keep posting if it helps you. You are not boring us. Things will get better Xx

All of these similar stories are absolutely heartbreaking. How cruel men can be to the people who love them best.
I had my heart thoroughly broken at a young age - he was my first love and we were not married but I utterly adored him in the same way the OP speaks about her husband. The pain when we broke up was indescribable and these days I’d probably be offered therapy. Not back then though. It took me a long time to recover, I left my home town and emigrated, I couldn’t live there with all the memories. It hardened me and I’ve never loved like that again nor put a man on a pedestal since, and I am ruthlessly independent (financially as well as emotionally) despite being married with a family. I used to think it was sad at some level but having read these horror stories I think maybe I’ve been lucky to learn so early on not to love too much nor rely on someone else for happiness. Resilience it is I guess, hard won. Sending you strength and resilience OP, thinking of you.

Same here, @SunGreen

I had a man turn cruel and contemptuous in my early 20s. Lesson learned. The hard way.

Have had fun and fulfilling relationships ever since but there's always a part of me that is reserved and wary. Never again will anyone have that kind of power over me.

Morning OP.
Hope you slept a bit better and the ADs are starting to settle a bit.

Just remember everything at the moment is baby steps. You said you have no energy for exercise, could you perhaps just manage a walk around the garden or down the street. 5 10 minutes at most. I find just being somewhere away from your normal space can help process things in your mind.

I’ve not been in your situation but do feel that I’d initially want the same thing. Everything back as it was, but it can never be, if he came back through the door right now do you think once the initial euphoria had worn off you could keep the resentment at bay after how he has treated you?

Just remember take things on your timeline, there have been long running threads on here where the same thing has happened that have gone on for years. The first few threads the op has been in the same dark place you are right now. Unable to see the wood through the trees, completely floored.

Hello OP and I hope you got some sleep.

Don't worry about doing exercise. I remember people telling me to go out for walks when I was in your situation.

I could barely get out of bed and to the bathroom and back, in the early stages.

Do what you can. It's very, very hard.

Hi Op, it's my daily check in.

Never worry about boring us. But if you need to stop posting, do that. You can come back any time you like.

I'm one of the ones who said to exercise, of course only if you can. If you can't eat, wash or sleep then of course you can't exercise. We all like to give advice of how we coped, but you will find your own coping methods.

It is only a matter of days since your life was changed for ever. The one thing you do need to do is to keep on keeping on, get through each day in whatever way you need to.

I hope you're ok, your head will be in shock trying to process what's happened and how the man you thought you knew has done this to you.
You will get through this and it will be a long process and yes it's cruel, but you will and I hope that one day you look back and realise what he was.
It won't last with the OW it will all be a a show, once he's moved In and reality hits him, he will realise he's probably being played, no 39 year old really wants a 60 year old man, he's probably jumping through hoops and subsiding her life as he thinks having a younger women is the bees knees .... I bet in six months time all this is a completely different story, we are all here for you at anytime and for support just know that. X

Hello @Pleasenotme. Firstly, I'm so sorry. Life is so cruel sometimes.

I understand your need to step away from this thread, but I wanted to suggest that maybe you continue to write your thoughts and feelings every day in a private diary. You are clearly a very gifted and eloquent writer, and I suspect that keeping up this practice could help you organise your thoughts.

And don't feel pressured to grieve in any particular way. Lots of people on MN want the film version of this - you're living it. Do what gets you through the next day, the next hour.

Having said that, I wanted to share one other thing that could be helpful - try to imagine yourself in two years' time. See yourself healthy, and truly happy, surrounded by your friends and children. You're in the weeds now and it will take time, but maybe, in your dark moments, try to hold her in your mind. She's waiting for you. Good luck OP.

I just want to say one more thing, OP - it's likely that over the years you have moulded your life around your husband, giving him support. He's now without that, and the OW has children to think of, so it'll dawn on him that he isn't the complete centre of her universe soon. A rude awakening awaits!

What does this mean for you? Well, you can now rediscover yourself. I know even getting up and having a wash is hard presently, but try and think of one thing you might want to do that you haven't been able to while married. It might be a life drawing class, cutting a fringe, or maybe just watching a series (did he hate sci-fi or Poldark?). Think about doing one small thing just for you that he'd disapprove of. Maybe move things in the house round a little so it starts to feel like yours not "ours". Or chuck the stuff from his home office into a box and move some plants in there. Baby steps to a stronger you, basically. Thinking of you and wishing you strength.

It’s sunny here today, though cold. If it is where you are can you try and get some on your face? Even standing at the door, or through the window.

oh sweetheart,
you are not boring anyone - so many of us have been taking every step with you so far and we will all be here for you until the end and beyond
Far too many of us have been you; we feel for you because we have felt what you feel, all of it - the disbelief, the anger, the feeling that you are not 'in' your life every day but in another dreadful torturous place where nothing makes sense anymore.
We can hear your emotions in the words you write (so eloquently too) and we understand you and hurt with - and for - you.
I too am a member of this club - the 'how could this have happened to me?, to my marriage/relationship?' club - and it's SHIT, every single moment and it feels endless. I'm telling you this next bit because I don't want you to feel any misplaced embarrassment/shame that you long for him to come back, even after everything he's said and done. When my DH left me for another woman after 21 years together, I was 'kidnapped' by all of the feelings you have - tied to a chair in utter darkness being bombarded from all sides with bullets of grief, fury and desolation..... and still my heart yearned for him. I begged him to come back - proper on my knees, tears and snot running down my face begging - hanging onto his leg as he tried to walk away from me looking down at me in disgust. I didn't care then and I don't care now that I did this and showed him just how much I loved him.
It changed nothing of course and we divorced and he lived happily with her for a few years and has been living his best life with others after her.
And yes I somehow carried on breathing and learned to exist in a world where he didn't love me anymore..... I loved again, I had fantastic sex with unsuitable men whom I chose to meet, sleep with and walk away from. I have never given power to another man to hurt me like he did.
And I'm happy.
BUT.....I still have nights that I dream of him, of us, like we were and mornings of waking up with the bliss of those dreams hugging me like the softest blanket. Then I 'come to' and ride the wave of that loss all over again for a few minutes. I truly loved him and I will always love him and belong to him, but I also now love me and I tuck that missing him feeling back into the pocket in my heart and get on with my life.
Please drop in on us from time to time if you feel able, we're rooting for you and just want to know if you're ok - no judgement, only compassion and understanding here for you xxxxxxxx