Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

[Pleasenotme]

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

This ^
Stop pussyfooting around him. He's not coming back.
And also tell the OW's husband once you've done all that.

100%. I have no clue why someone would do otherwise.

When it comes to divorce you learn to gen up on the facts and look after yourself. If you don't then you will have someone walk all over you.

Trigger Warning!

I have just read all of your posts and wanted to say how sorry I am that you are in this horrific situation.

You write so well that I have tears rolling down my face at the misery and suffering you are going through.

It has been some considerable time since I have actually felt anything very much myself as my own complacent life was blown into smithereens following the completely out of the blue suicide of my teenage child.

Unlike you I cannot put into words the effort of carrying on with a pointless life. I feel I am only clinging on to prop up my remaining child who was mid teens when it happened and should have just been worrying about normal teen angst, such as acne and first love. Instead they lose a precious only sibling and their Mother practically falls apart and is forever broken hearted by a tragedy that has brought our little family to its knees.

Grey fog blurs time and I have only recently begun to lift my head a little and to look beyond the desolation of my once small, but comfortable life. I get glimmers of hope and slithers of light piercing through the pain and wonder what I will see at the end of this very dark tunnel?

Sorry, I didn't come on here to bring anyone down. I just wanted to empathise with anyone else who is going through such visceral pain and to let you know that you are not alone.

@TheFirstOrangeLeavesofAutumn

I'm so sorry that you and your family experienced such a terrible loss. Words are so very insufficient.
Thank you for sharing that.

I am so very sorry @TheFirstOrangeLeavesofAutumn . I understand a very tiny bit as I very nearly lost one of mine the same way. They tried several times and it is only because of the kindness of a worker at the place and the good fortune of a complete stranger who sat with them all night on a separate occasion that I still have all my children. I wish there was something that I could say and that I knew what it was 💔💐

@Pleasenotme
please don’t agree to a sale before a financial order.
I managed to keep the marital home against not claiming on my XH’s future pension which was rather more substantial than my own. It gave me security in the here and now at the time and much needed breathing space. When I retire I will sell and downsize to help fund my retirement, but it will be done at my leisure and purely for my benefit.
my XH was horrified at the time but told by the mediator that it wasn’t in his interest to contest that. The house was transferred solely to me with the costs of that being shared.

My friend did exactly that.

@TheFirstOrangeLeavesofAutumn
Ghastly. That is THE worst loss of all.
I don't know how you carry on in that circumstance.

A young man died by his own hand in our extended family- this was back in the 1980's, his siblings are still profoundly affected- His wonderful mother died of 'natural causes' {Broken heart probably exacerbated the condition}.

A Divorce did seem to trigger the son's distress as a small child, but his older siblings didn't do this.

He suffered depression, but ''seemed okay'' in the days leading up to his awful decision.

How is he "taking serious advantage of her" simply by requiring a joint asset to be sold which he has every right to do? All the posters on here egging on the OP to be difficult about the house sale are the ones being vindictive and amoral. Yes he had an affair and hurt feelings - but he has every right to leave his marriage and take his financial share any time he likes. Stop encouraging the OP to be a dick about it, she will be the one who ends up looking petty and grabby.

He's taking serious advantage of the OP because he's trying to railroad her into selling the house when it's only been seven weeks since he dropped his bombshell.

The OP is still reeling from his betrayal. He knows quite well that he can make her do anything at the moment because she's so desperate to cooperate, to show him that he's missing out on her love.

She wants him back.
He wants money.

The only way he'll get the most money at the moment is to get the house sold ASAP.

He's prepared to shaft the OP and even his children, in order to get what he wants.

He is amoral and cruel.

The OP needs much more time to come to terms with what has happened.

He possibly presented as okay as he had made his decision so had felt some peace.

"Trying to railroad her" "shaft the OP" - what dramatic hyperbole - he simply wants to deal with the practical matter of the house sale and OP using house as weapon/ransom just makes her the massive dick.

It does not matter if its been 7 hours, 7 weeks or 7 years - he has left the marriage and is entitled to half the assets - you need to separate the emotional from the financial/legal - OP cannot use hurt feelings to "punish" her husband by playing games with the sale of the house - people on here suggesting she goes out when viewings are booked, deliberately makes the house a mess and cancelling all offers outright need to grow the fuck up - they are giving women a bad name.

The husband does not owe her "time" or any other intangible. OP on the other hand, owes her husband 50% of their joint house that she is currently trying to withhold from him.

People aren’t saying be a dick about it just at 7 weeks the first step isn’t to put house up for sale. It’s to get proper legal advice. Value all matrimonial assets. Get divorce underway. Agree a sensible plan re sale/housing everyone who lives there if it is necessary. Op hasn’t commented re his pension but if he’s been in a job with a decent pension for 35 years then a common financial settlement is him keeping pension her keeping house, so no need to sell.
There was a thread on mumsnet years ago which always stayed with me where a wife dragged house sale out to a ridiculous degree for years but 7 weeks is no time at all.

@Pleasenotme

I have been where you are now.

Of course there was an OW.

The sheer impossibility to go on. My brain could not process the cruel betrayal my soul mate of 25 years subjected me to.

A stranger who has no feelings for me, after adoring the ground I walked on - now he acts like he never even knew me. My well-being and dignity mean nothing to him, after 25 years together.

I too couldn't feel anger, just sadness.
"find your anger" - I failed even at that, as I did fail my marriage- at least that's what I told myself.

OP, please please know one thing. it will get better. I know it feels impossible right now. I know you feel like you have barely moved on.

But you too will keep on going till the pain gets a bit more dull each day, and till your tears will stop after just a few minutes.

I'm 10 month in and sometimes I go for a whole day without thinking about what he did to me and the life he stole from me. on other days I do something as basic as emptying the dishwasher and a mug in there reminds me of him and the shock of this new reality hits me like an electric shock. But these moments become fewer, shorter and less harsh. I'm at a point where I can see the beginning of a new life. The same will happen for you. I promise you, you will feel whole again.

You sound strong and capable underneath the pain he inflicted. TRUST YOUR TRACK RECORD. The strength is in there. you don't need to go and find it or find your anger or do anything. just know it's there. trust yourself.

Until she knows that pension value she should not do anything! If he has had a good job and worked for years his pension could be vast. My ex husband's was and I got nearly half of it - way more than the value of a house. Property does not trump pension.

@PerfectStorm00 no financial decisions should be made until all assets are known and lined up against each other. You don't get pension values in 7 weeks.

The husband does not owe her "time" or any other intangible. OP on the other hand, owes her husband 50% of their joint house that she is currently trying to withhold from him

If you'd RTFT you'd know that the OP is actually not trying to withhold anything from her ex.

She's fully prepared to do anything he asks. Foolishly, IMO.

Other posters are advising her to slow down, so that she and her children are not taken advantage of by her greedy, grasping ex.

The husband does not owe her "time" or any other intangible.

So to hell with OP’s shock and devastation at having her life turned upside-down and her marriage ripped up between one day and the next. She has no right to take time to get back on her feet and work out what to do. She has no right to the most basic consideration.

No, she must leap up to serve her master as soon as he snaps his fingers, yes sir, straightaway sir, whatever you need.

Go away with your bullying. It is not needed here.

@PerfectStorm00 you are very mistaken. the legal system of divorce in the UK doesn't allow for a financial order, i.e. division of assets before the conditional order is granted. this is a late stage in a legal divorce, which in average takes 10 month - if it's fast.

so no, he is jot at all entitled to 'his 50%' not yet, at least. and potentially won't be entitled to 50%

Besides the legal angle. from a moral point of view, a social contract point of view. you don't use people to birth your children, reduce their income to look after said children, reducer their pension to look after joint children, gas light them into thinking that they are in a secure marriage to then decide they want to discard of this very person after decades for no good reason really. you don't get to do all this and then demand a percentage of the house without any of the asset files filled in and checked by a solicitor.

so, you are wrong, legally and morally

@Whatachliche I know your thread and think it’s brilliant that you are taking the time and reaching out after all you went through.
Glad you are doing so well.
If you could bottle the strength women have men would be bloody terrified of it. And swigging it by the gallon on the quiet.

So its "greedy and grasping" for the husband to want his share of the joint assets? Interesting..... Of course if roles were reversed it would be a completely different story. The man hating hypocrisy on MN never stops...

And "slowing things down" for the OP to come to terms includes playing games with the Estate Agents, interested buyers etc? Petty and childish won't make the OP the victor.

The leaving of a marriage, for any reason, at any time, by any person is NOT "gaslighting" and you trying to distort the true meaning of that word to score a "point" on the internet is vile.

As for using OP like a puppy mill - more unsubstantiated hyperbole - I'd like to see your evidence that the husband embarked on married life 35 years ago with that objective? People change, none of us are the same people we were 10 years ago, and certainly not 30 - he wants something different now.

Everyone knows there is a legal process around divorce - so we don't need you to patronisingly womansplain this to us or split hairs about percentages etc 🙄 just so you can try and win another internet "point".

Quite obviously my post was correct, it IS bad form and bad advice for the OP to use hurt feelings as a weapon, or the house as ransom, she will just end up looking petty and pathetic, the husband will still get his lawful share in the end.

I'm so sorry OP. What an absolute nightmare. There is nothing wrong at all with you and your reaction. Just because he ceases to love you doesn't mean you can become emotionless towards him, your love wasn't conditional.

People love and feel and react differently and this is your reality. There's no rush, you're doing amazingly well, you're still here and still breathing. Divorce is one of the biggest stressors there is and you are not lessened by the enduring strength of your love. You will come out the other side of this. Just keep surviving.

So its "bullying" to point out that playing games with Estate Agents "pretend you're out when buyers arrive!" "cancel viewings, leave the house a mess!" "if you get any offers reject them!" Interesting....

I'll add that to the list of words twisted to win points on the internet...

Shock, devastation, any emotion you care to mention does not give OP the right to deliberately thwart the husband's right to access his share of the joint assets and following the frankly unhinged advice on here to do that will only make the OP look unhinged.

🙄