Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

[Pleasenotme]

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

Money! He sees your home in terms of monetary value - for his needs/wants. It is well known that some people when seeing potential of a bit more cash, whether inheritance/random opportunities/divorce, will stamp on their own granny, or anyone in the way of it. Also, he's obviously constructed a narrative of his future in his head way before sharing it, and without considering how others (including how own kids) may be impacted, or that the 'dialogue' won't just go as he imagined.
He does sound quite desperate though - could he also have issues going on as well as the affair? Such as debt/gambling? He seems to want to raze everything to the ground in a hurry - I do think quite a few men (and maybe women) are capable of this to secure their new life, but it does seem to you to be 'out of character', so just a thought. One day though you may look back and recognise earlier signs of his obscene self self self interest, and that for him then a new life, on the ashes of his long time family, would be a rational step in his head to take.
You have had the valuations now and I think that's enough input into his future on your part. I'm not sure but thought you can delay until you have a financial settlement within a divorce. I wouldn't trust anyone to be upfront with finances to be honest, so the house sale definitely needs to be not done before a family solicitor has been involved. You should refuse to proceed until the finances are agreed legally at least. The EA won't want to act on a sale until they know the house can and will be sold smoothly- they've been bitten too many times before - they need both your signatures on an agreement to sell with them, so just say that's not happening without the legal financial agreement.
Try put it out of your mind for now - it can't and won't proceed a while.
I've not posted before, but read your threads, it's so heartbreaking for you. I'm going to go against the grain and say maybe you will always love him, but equally you will also find a way to live a good life despite this - it can take a long time but it will happen. I hope you do lose the love though, and think that hurting your children may assist this process.
Get a good solicitor, a good counsellor and remember how amazing you already are - look at what you are doing, not what you're not - you get up, you work, you retain massive integrity, have good self insight, have great mates, and you write absolutely amazingly - be kind to yourself.

Great post!

It's disgraceful how he's just swanning around and expecting @Pleasenotme to do the heavy lifting, organising and everything else to give him what he wants. Get him to be there when estate agents and potential buyers come around. Refuse to do it alone. Stop cooperation with him. What an appalling man. Well he's not a man he's a frigging weasel. I hate him and I don't know him.

@Pleasenotme do not agree to put the house on the market I get he is bullying you but do it for your children. It needs to form part of a financial settlement of a divorce not done in advance.

Anything sold beforehand he can swipe which would set up his life with OW quite nicely. I don't say that to be harsh but to give you the realisation of the situation. Agreeing to sell the house now enables him it doesn't bring him back.

Please go seek good legal advice and take a friend along for support.

Your H is focused on his end goal the OW everything in his way is collateral damage including you and your DCs.
That's why he's angry he wants his new set up and he's not getting it.

Seriously he is SO out of order. Him rushing to selling the house will have consequences for your kids as well. Screw him, he needs to hear the word NO a lot more often. No I won’t allow EAs into value, no a viewing is not convenient, no I will not agree to appoint an agent. No no no.

Sure it will have to be resolved at some point but who said he gets to set the timetable for that and why is it all so crashingly urgent?? Fuck him. Practice saying NO a lot.

@Pleasenotme

There is no way that the house sale should be done outside of the financial settlement. No effing way!

I know you don't want the divorce, but you must insist that there be no sale until you've discussed with your solicitor. I'm sure they will also insist the house sale be part of the financial settlement.

Seven weeks on is far too soon for the house to be up for sale. You haven't even received a divorce petition and honestly, I would advise you to do that. Then you control how fast proceedings move, not him. It won't make a blind bit of difference as to whether he returns home or not. Take control, please.

I don't want you to answer anything here, more to get you to slow down, don't be rushed and think carefully about decisions.

Has your solicitor said what the split might be? Because unless you and H are evenly matched both financially and in lifestyle, it could be better than you think.

The best person to ask is a direct access barrister. They spend their lives in court, know the local Judges and one Judge can differ very much to another as to what a woman should receive.
Armed with that knowledge, if favourable, I'd speak to an independent mortgage broker. There is such a thing as a Lifetime Mortgage now.

Financial arrangements I found are based on bartering/bargaining. You have to decide what is most important to you and laser focus on it. In your case it seems to be the family home. H wants cash, which he will get, but the less he gets, the better for you.
If for instance, his pension is worth a lot more than yours, you could waive that in favour of a greater share in the house.

One other thing to be aware of, it's possible that he could stop paying his share of the mortgage to force you in to a sale.
He is not your friend anymore, he's turned into your enemy, in that he's causing you great pain.

There is a divorce site with a forum called Wikivorce. Useful for procedure but be careful of advice there, even from their lawyers.

If all the above fails and the house has to be sold, get him to do it. All of it, viewings, moving stuff, everything. He wants it, he does it. Just get that divorce petition delivered to him ASAP.

Agree with the general advice to hold on the sale of the house. Its out of order.

My wild guess is that H is under pressure to leave his sister's house as it is likely to be uncomfortable for everyone in the house to have him (his sister is fed up). OW is not making a move in the right direction and he is getting stressed. He might even started to realise he fucked up epically.
He caused a massive amount of collateral damage to his wife and kids and at the end OW might never leave her husband. I bet you things are getting sour in that front. Just my thoughts. As someone said I hate that man and I don't even know him.

OP you are way way above him in many ways, your intelligence and your insight.
But you keep putting him in that pedestal. Hoping one day you will find yourself for what you are. Worth so much more ❤️

One more thing, as it came into force since my divorce.
You will probably be asked into mediation regarding finances first.
It's simply sitting around a table in an office, both of you with representatives.
You will still need to be armed with the information in my previous post regarding finances, so as not to be railroaded by him.

So he's trying to sell the house without having filed for divorce! No, just block any attempts. You really do need an SHL now if only to tell him to stop it. I wouldn't file for divorce either as he needs to do this himself since he is so keen on it.

Next time he tries to send EAs, tell him no. You have had the house valued and can use that information for the financial settlement, but without that, there will be no house sale. Let him file and take the maximum time you can in responding to each request.

Sounds like the OW won't leave her DH without somewhere to go and he has made promises he can't keep in a hurry. Whatever happens, never forget this is how he has treated you.

". I wouldn't file for divorce either as he needs to do this himself since he is so keen on it."

The Plaintiff controls the timings.
If he's the plaintiff, he could serve the petition and have it in court and wrapped up far too soon for the defendant's timing and comfort. That is, if the court's backlog has cleared since Covid.
It also has a psychological reason, better for OP to say she divorced him, than that he divorced her.

I bet the OW is stringing him along. Telling him that once he has a house that she can move into she will leave her dh. Maybe she will, maybe she won’t. I’d say there’s a good chance that when push comes to shove she won’t.

This is exactly what my son's extremely SHL attorney (think of a US version of Fiona Shackleton) told him. Always be the one to file, whether you want the divorce or not. You may not end up with exactly what you want simply because you're the plaintiff, but you will be the one to 'state the terms' that the settlement will be negotiated from.

Do you get on with his sister Op? I wonder if he has outstayed his welcome and is desperate but not your problem.
Don’t overlook pensions. People tend to focus on house but if he’s been in a professional job with a pension for 30 plus years his pension can be worth more than the house so it may be the house doesn’t need to be sold. It’s why you need to get legal advice and valuations of all matrimonial assets inc pensions before making any decisions.
He’s frankly delusional if thinks he has upper hand and can push. He may say I’ll stop paying my half. But assuming small mortgage/nearly paid off it’s probably no threat - bank may well agree to payment holiday or between you and 2 children living there is may be you can manage things.
Realising you are in control is very helpful. He can demand anything but I’d just have a stock response like my legal advisor will be in touch in due course and ignore.

The US, where it varies by state, is very different to the UK. Here, it makes little difference who does the filing, particularly since we moved to a fully no fault process. OP has already taken legal advice and been told there is no urgency in her situation. She can gather all the information and prepare for it so that she can respond in a timely manner, without actually having to take any steps to proactively progress it, unless she so chooses. Him receiving pressure from an OW (or in this case maybe his sister) is not OP's emergency to deal with. It is his.

My UK based SHL advised me this way - prepare as if it is going to happen, but leave it to him to take ownership of the process if that was what he really wanted, and that I was actually probably going to be better off financially in the long run by not rushing to file, as long as I was prepared to wait emotionally. I got a lot of mud thrown at me on here for not filing the moment he left, which at the time just added to my pain. Now, I am glad I stuck to my personal beliefs and values.

Every person's circumstances are different, but OP should not feel pressured to do anything she is not yet ready to do. Whether that is filing for divorce or selling the house.

Things have changed in some ways due to No Fault Divorce.
What hasn't changed is that the financial order should always be signed off by a Judge before a divorce is finalised.

And I think you are right, he is bullying me but at the moment I give in to it, probably to appease him and in the pathetic, hopeless hope that he will decide that this kind, co-operative @Pleasenotme is worth being with once again

I do understand your thinking and it's very early days for you with your husband being gone from the family home

But I don't think you can allow him to push you into something which isn't right for you and the children

Tell him you won't move anything forward until he and you have had 6 sessions of mediation

@Pleasenotme Re Narnia.... Here are my childhood books that I have had since 10 yrs old.....and they have been with me through many house moves {bedsits and flats and houses and a painful divorce}.

of course the young woman won't just jump ship due to being infatuated with an old twat.

I actually doubt she is the reason for him to leave. He seems just decided it and will find a thousands excuses which none of them will be good enough because a normal decent man does not do this to his lifelong wife.

Of course the OW is the reason for leaving.
Men really don't just up and leave unless there is another woman in the wings.

Like frogs, they jump from one lily pad to another.

@Pleasenotme

So glad you are still ''Holding fast'', and that you haven't succumbed to dark thoughts- Don't give him and that woman a free house!!!

As time slowly passes, you will feel better -maybe for only a few minutes, but like spring coming, it will extend so you stop feeling so bereft and broken.
The Endless Winter ❄️ does pass.

It is also possible to have days where you feel like you have lost ground, but th trajectory is gradually upwards.

I had an inward ''Yes!'' when you flipped that OW the bird- she so deserved it. 🐦 🎯

My husband's OW had the temerity to come to our house , she sat on the sofa next to me and said {with her hand covering her mouth}

''I am NOT having an affair with your husband''

I was so relieved, I said ''Thank you, I believe you, you have an honest face''

{What I was really thinking was probably best not written here}

My gut feeling was right- she WAS having an affair with him.

We get on fine now, I was watching an insect video on you tube he was in this morning- It made me laugh when he described the insects mating- because I so could have joked with him about that when we first got together.

{We met over a black beetle in Richmond Park}

Then he beetled off with this wretched OW.

Re your slight hair loss , undoubtedly stress related.

It is triggered by stressful life events, childbirth, divorce &c.

Best Wishes ❄️ 🌱

You file for divorce so you control things.

Get all your paperwork for finances in a safe place.

Understand that you cannot and should not sell the house until the financial order has been granted.

You're wrong.
Men do this all the time.

And I don't know what you mean by "normal decent men".

Men do jump ship, quite often after many years of marriage.

It's not at all unusual.

@Ifoughthefight ”Normal, decent men” are ABSOLUTELY the type who out of the blue get their heads turned after years of marriage.

I have been shocked many a time when a seemingly steadfast partnership is torn asunder by infidelity.

Boredom, the oft - mentioned “Mid life crisis” , the stress of young children can all make a partner become very (in )decent very fast.

Wives too do the dirty .

” Rock solid marriages “ can and do disintegrate with tedious regularity.

I used to be self assured wife- so sure my husband was steadfast and true.

He had feet of clay.

@Pleasenotme
Please get legal advice. Please just don't blindly stumble putting your home on the market to appease him. You absolutely do NOT have to move at the pace he wants, particularly as he will be effectively making your DC homeless. He really is awful.

I have read your posts from the start. You are getting stronger, more resilient. There will be shitty days but hopefully less and less. Your friend sounds brilliant. Go and see her