Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

[Pleasenotme]

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

@Pleasenotme don't engage at all anymore with the EAs.

Just keep telling them that H is dealing with everything. If viewings are on the cards, GO OUT and make the house as unappealing as possible.

Make H do the viewings, if he's so keen to sell the house.

And if you happen to get any offers just decline them.

There are literally endless ways of stopping the house sale until you're really ready for it.

H can't have it all his own way. If you know he's coming round, make sure someone is with you. Or just go out!

And don't answer his phone calls. Deal with everything by text and keep your answers very short. Don't answer for hours.

I hope you find your anger, on behalf of your children, ASAP.

When my father left my mother for another woman when I was 21, my older brother 22, and younger brother, 18 were still living at home. I was the only one who had moved out.

My mother fought against the sale of the house for 2 and a half years, until the court ordered it. She was told that even though my two brothers were still living there, they were both over the age of 18 and were adults and therefore not considered dependants of either parent.

The house was sold 3 months later and my brothers got their own bedsits/studio flats. A large part of the equity was lost in bank fees - my mother was not able to remortgage to buy my father out and the mortgage itself had not been paid in 2 years. Delaying the inevitable cost my mother dearly.

Unfortunately you can’t rationalise / logic away difficult feelings. It is still early days for the OP really and she’s in a state of deep shock and trauma. It is about just holding on and weathering all the feelings as they keep crashing over at this point. I just don’t think ‘fake it until you make it’ really fits where OP is currently at. She is functioning remarkably well, presenting in front of senior colleagues etc. Feeling all these emotions will be part of her healing process I think. It really is just about survival mode currently.

I think we are both right @Ivorymoon .

I agree. He's being utterly unreasonable expecting the work and expense of selling the home to fall to you. Meanwhile, he makes his three children homeless? What a twat.

I would tell him that the sale isn't happening until there's a plan for the kids and an agreement on who is doing and paying for the work needing to be done to sell the house.

Stop rolling over and doing everything this stupid selfish man tells you to do. He loved you once, but he clearly has no love for you or your kids now. I know you feel brokenhearted and want him back but bloody hell, why? It'll never go back to what it once was. Get some good therapy, get a really good solicitor, get angry, and start protecting yourself and your kids from this horrible man.

It's rare I get to the point on a thread where I feel compelled to make my point again. This man sounds like he has a lot going on & I'm unsure it's to do with this 'other women'

Is she an accomplise supporting him in his new found freedom to live a different life. I don't want to say anything outright but the whole thing sounds very like the situation a woman I know went through. There was never another woman but that's what she was led to believe in order to hide the true reason for suddenly leaving his family with no apparent reason. It was totally out of character but he had to be true to himself after many years of inner turmoil. I'll leave it at that OP. Nothing may be further from the truth but everything in situations like this is worth considering. Stay strong.

Hi Pleasenotme I am sorry you have yet another rotten day but through my experience things will get better. It is a very sad state, forcing his children to leave the family. At least you can go to really go to town with boxing up all his stuff and leaving each box on the path outside as they get filled.
I remember your friend’s solicitor H was helping you at the beginning of his walkout, is he willing to continue or has he suggested someone else ?
Look after yourself, massage, hair and even a wig if it makes you feel better and go out with friends.
Book somewhere for Christmas lunch with your DC. X

Please find yourself a SHL (Shit Hot Lawyer).

They're so worth it. Your H will shaft you financially as soon as look at you.

He has lost his moral compass. You and the DC are bottom of his list.

So do pay for a good lawyer, @Pleasenotme

Exactly

I’m so sorry about all this @Pleasenotme , it’s absolutely heartbreaking.
I echo what others have written about grieving, and there is no shame whatsoever in still loving him and wanting everything back the way it was, futures cannot be imagined and built overnight when we always thought we would never, ever have to.
You are an admirable woman and like many others I am in awe of how you are coping and managing to get things done, when your emotions feel like they are in a blender.
To try to distract yourself from your pain is very difficult, but distraction can help calm your mind. It is hard, but try directing your thoughts towards listing things you can do to protect your own interests and those of your children. Then prioritise them and tackle one at a time.
Talking this out with a counsellor, and seeing a good solicitor will stand you in good stead now. You held up well with the estate agent, that must have been excruciatingly tough, but don’t be afraid of breaking down in front of these people, they are just that: people. I bet sadly they’ve seen an awful lot of it and it really wouldn’t be the first time.
I doubt many people could explain what is still very raw to a lawyer without breaking down, but I think you need to not worry about that and find out what he can and can’t do and what you need to do in the meantime.
I understand posters getting frustrated that you still care and miss him, but real love doesn’t magically switch off, even when the one you love is being unloving to you. Part of your missing him is probably to do with the denial stage of grief, in that subconsciously you don’t want to accept this has happened (and who would? It’s horrible.) and therefore don’t have to face dealing with it yet.
Until your anger kicks in, (you will be surprised at the force of it when it does, but embrace it, it will be your friend) concentrate on protecting yourself. The person you don’t want to be angry with later down the line is you, because you neglected to care of your own interests now.
Take care of your own interests (health, emotional, legal, financial , practical) and treat and advise yourself as you would a dear friend.
I do not think you are ‘rolling over’ at all, you are grieving and very traumatised. You are coping, and you are surviving. Just be sure that at the same time as coping and surviving that you are also getting good legal advice and protecting yourself.
Sending support and strength your way.

I think this post makes sense to you but no one else, because you've left out all the bits that would make it seem a logical thing to do in any possible way.

OP: It's been over 7 weeks now. He's not coming back.

He's about to turf your children (yes, I know they're grown up, but they're still your kids) out of the family home. You are facilitating this because you think compliance will make him favour you again?

You do realise that if he marries this woman, all your money from your home will no longer go to your children, it will go to her and her offspring.

So your kids are losing their home and looking at being disinherited. He's crapping all over them.

Time to step up, I think.

You are a capable woman and obviously a problem solver. You are already jumping ahead - I could get a mortgage, I could move to cheaper area to accommodate children etc. It’s not all on your shoulders. It’s far too early to be pushed into making such decisions. The valuations are just initial indicators for your solicitor. I wouldn’t entertain any further discussion re selling at this stage.

I think they mean he was gay ...

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You write beautifully, if you don't write professionally, you should consider it.

Hi OP I just wanted to say that I think you’re doing really well, you’ve survived an awful day and still taken time to update us all, and trust me we are all there thinking of you and standing there in your corner with you.
I really would try and say you will only communicate with your ex by text or email it’s only upsetting you to speak to do him so try end eliminate that.
One tiny step at a time …. You’re getting there.
edited to add I second that point about the way your write, it’s exceptional.

You have to see beyond the obvious & I've said twice is it a woman he has left her for. I'm sorry I can't & won't be anymore explicit. I've seen the hurt his type of behaviour has left a woman I know devastated. This man is showing similar traits but as I've also said it could be far from the truth. Work it out at your will.

The OP has said more than once that she has evidence that her H is having an affair with a specific woman.

Christ is that it? Are we back to the 1950s again? Don't see how that changes anything at all because he's left regardless, with the intention to have a relationship with someone else.

I realised that your cryptic (homophobic?) replies, even if true, make zero difference to the situation so meh.

OK. In the case of my friend the last thing she & others around him was finding out he would leave a perfectly happy marriage with children a man. The fact is he did & for an affair with a man.
Is that opening womens eyes to men like OPs H who possibly leave a marriage for reasons like this wrong. My thoughts are look at all scenarios. The woman could be covering for him as was the situation I was party to.

In no way are my replies homophobic. My sisters son is happily Married to a man who I love like a brother.

Could you give it a rest.

Of course & I will. The fact is women are often oblivious to this situation & assume men like this suddenly leave them for 'other women' In my friends situation Married for 30 plus years before her H suddenly walked out of an apperently happy marriage, other women are not always the case. All I'm saying is after being amongst many people who helped to support this woman I've become more sceptical.