Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

[Pleasenotme]

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

Thank you @TheShellBeach , you are so kind. A horrible, awful day indeed. I've just spoken to one of my DD's at work and cried down the phone which I now feel so guilty about at she has a difficult job as it is and the last thing she needs is to hear me wailing. I just needed to speak to someone but on reflection it shouldn't have been her. I broke my cardinal rule about not placing my burden upon my DC.

Pathetically I'm still crying. I'm so tired of feeling so bloody WORTHLESS. That sense that anything I say to my H is discounted as it has no value, no credence, no nothing, I am literally invisible to him. And yet he is still so angry with me too. Why? Just why? Is it because I'm not younger, not tall and slim like the OW, don't have her bouncy shining hair but instead a rapidly diminishing mess on my head that Wurzel Gummidge would be proud to sport? Is it because, irritatingly for him, I haven't got angry, but have simply continued to express my love for him and our family, which perhaps nudges his conscience? Is he ashamed that he ever loved me, and he really did love me, now that he has got the younger, improved model who doesn't sag anywhere and has those infuriatingly perfect and white teeth unlike my less than Colgate-perfect own? I think I repel and disgust him now, he's got the so-called 'ick' I suspect. I'm sorry, I'm ranting now 😡

My boss has just sent me a lovely message as I had told her about the house valuation bookings. She is great and definitely one of those fantastic women we all need on our side at times of trouble. I have told her she needs to be on Mumsnet and offer her wise counsel as she would be brilliant. She puts me in mind of the legendary AnyFucker (where is she - come back AF!).

In answer to your question, the DCs are devastated about the potential house sale; DS has a job that provides accommodation when he is there, but this is his permanent home, as it is for youngest DD who does shifts. Elder DD lodges with friends in the week but is home every weekend when she is not working. It has always been so important to them and Christmas here is something they particularly look forward to.

So all in all you could say that today has not gone well. And I've just managed to drop and smash my favourite mug that was full of tea which seems to have covered my whole kitchen, so clearing that up will be just the icing on a pretty grim cake. I hope tomorrow is better.

You make a very good point @Investinmyself - I think he will leave it to me and it's pretty big place that I won't be able to handle on my own, not least because we have over 30 years' worth of stuff here! I think I will probably adopt a strategy of go slow for the very reasons you suggest. The idea of having to have the place pristine for viewings which will indeed impact on my capacity to work, and especially before Christmas, is just awful.

Wow.

So your H is ready and willing to take away the DC's home, too.

Just....... I'm horrified.

For some reason, I thought it was just you in the house.

I know I've been telling you not to hang on to the house, but will you be able to buy one with enough rooms for all of you, if you do sell this one?

It sounds like your H just sees his wife and family as standing in the way of his proposed future. Without the house sale, he'll have insufficient money to buy somewhere else for himself and the other woman and her small children

Hmm.

Well, that's why he's in such a rush, and why you're feeling that you're nothing more than an irritation to him. You are truly standing in his way.

Well, fuck him. Don't agree on anything to do with the house yet. He can't force you (not without a lot of trouble, anyway).

This is an awful time of year to put houses on the market.

I'd absolutely call the EAs and tell them you've changed your mind.

I think your H is bullying you, because he knows jolly well that you'll pretty much do anything he tells you to do.

And darling @Pleasenotme do keep posting when you're in need of support.
We're all rooting for you.

And I've just managed to drop and smash my favourite mug that was full of tea which seems to have covered my whole kitchen, so clearing that up will be just the icing on a pretty grim cake

An incident like that would have sent me into hysteria, in the early days.

When I first posted my DC were mainly away due to courses, work, travel etc which is why my DB visited so often but now we are back to a situation whereby I do have a lot of time here by myself, including overnights, due to DC's work patterns and ongoing residential training courses, it has reverted to being very much their home again. And there is no doubt that elder DD comes home more now too, rather than spend lots of weekends away socialising as she used to, probably because she wants to check that I am OK. Bless her.

And in answer to your question, I could probably get a house with sufficient room for them all but I would definitely have to move area as property is relatively expensive around here.

And I think you are right, he is bullying me but at the moment I give in to it, probably to appease him and in the pathetic, hopeless hope that he will decide that this kind, co-operative @Pleasenotme is worth being with once again. How that would look on the other side of things I can't imagine and the experience other PPs have had of friends and DMs who have become hollowed out by the experience and fear of repetition is salutary, but I can only do one day at a time at the moment. And I'm not doing any of those terribly well.

Dear @Pleasenotme , I've followed your threads though not posted (I don't think) as all I can do (and should have done!) is add to the chorus of sympathy and horror. This latest update shows a new low though - that he would pull the rug out from under your children's feet too. I know you naturally don't want to lean on them or make it any harder for them - but I wonder what he would say if they confronted him - "Hey Dad - is it true you want us to move out? Why?". Yes, he can be a dick and force the sale, but why can't he just live somewhere small on his own and leave the rest of you where you are for the foreseeable future? I can't imagine a decent dad looking his kids in the eye and telling them that they are losing their home base asap because he fancies a fresh start (or whatever he's telling them). Young adulthood is such a precarious time these days, and that home base is important.

@Pleasenotme echoing another poster, a sale will not go through this side of Christmas, I hope it gives you comfort. I am glad you have your DC around you more now too. Start a new tradition this year … maybe book Xmas lunch at a hotel or something. I do also agree your H is bullying you. Please sorry stand your ground. He is an absolute C of a man!

oh honey, the heartbreak in every one of your posts is so palpable, I'm in tears. I wish there was anything any of us could say to ease just a little of your pain, please just know we are all here rooting for you, an invisible army walking every dreadful step alongside you. We won't abandon you.....you can drop in anytime and say anything at all you want to.
I am so very sorry this is happening to you and that H seems determined to carry on with his (unreasonable and ridiculous) demands until he makes you and your shared history invisible and like you/they never existed. When it was my turn to be you, my EXH suggested I leave our family home and let OW and her DC move in as 'it's a family home and we're not a family anymore are we?'
I told him I'd burn it down before I'd let her into the place I'd raised my babies, with notches on the door posts of their heights over the years, the walls with their dints from various football impacts, the corner where the dog chewed the skirting board and I moved the unit over so he wouldn't se it and get cross). Like your H, mine didn't give a shit for any of those (now inconvenient to him) memories. It's sooo hard to see nothing but contempt and rejection on the face of the man you knew you'd love forever (until he threw that love back in your face). I shudder to remind myself writing it down.
H has undoubtedly scarred your soul but in time I PROMISE it won't hurt like this. Keep going, one foot in front of the other (with your messed up hair and your broken mug in tow). You are amazing and he never deserved you.

@Pleasenotme what does you solicitor suggest ? I know letters cost money but it’s money well spent for good advice .

I would take my time as well selling the house that could be written in the consent order as you know there is a timeline of events to occur.

First its a decree Nissi ending the marriage then you can apply for the Decree Absolute after 6 weeks .

In the meantime you sort out Form E and all your financials - Soul destroying when it’s all written down . In this all assets are written down over £500 including furniture , jewellery and luxury bags . The main asset is the marital home and yes you require 3 valuations for reference and then see how equity is left .

lastly any private pension pots and life assurance .

Good luck and rely on your solicitor who is fighting for you ❤️

Just to say, you really DO NOT have to have the house pristine for viewings. Why should you? There’s nothing in it for you. Sod him. Agree with others that you need legal advice from someone really good.

Do whatever you can to make yourself feel better and enhance your self esteem. Book yourself a massage, have your nails done, get a facial. Buy some new clothes. Look after YOU and make your life as easy as possible whilst you begin to come to terms with the huge shock you have had.

Keep going, Lovely. We are all rooting for you
And I agree with the PP who advised getting his DC to make him own his actions

@Pleasenotme

I know selling the house will be so hard, but try to remember that you will be taking your memories with you. Those he cannot take away.

Since the sale is pretty much inevitable, I think you need to weigh the selling price of the house 'as is' if you turn it all over to him to 'fix up' vs the possible increase in the selling price if you do the hard work yourself. And whether or not he's going to be willing to pay for whatever work needs doing, because he certainly should!

DH and I have a 100+ year old farmhouse. We had an estate agent come look and she was very good about what we should and shouldn't bother with as far as getting the most bang in selling price for any money we spent on it. You'd be wise to do this yourself, independently and quietly. In other words, do NOT use any of the agents who have already viewed the house.

I don't remember whether or not you're seeing a counselor, but I think now is the time to do so if you aren't, and if you are it may be time to think about how much you're putting into it. I know you want him back. You know that's not going to happen. It may be time to put your financial well-being before your emotional well-being. I'm sorry to sound harsh, but at some point this will be 'all over' and although you won't come out of it heart-whole, you also don't want to come out of this financially broken.

So 2 out of 3 young adult children still living at home. Where is he proposing they live? I wouldn’t be entertaining putting property on market until there’s a sensible plan for housing them. I know you mentioned youngest was a nurse so presumably not awash with money to fund a private rental. Who is cleaning? Tidying? Sorting of stuff - paying for skips and endless trips to tip/charity shop. How do you empty loft alone? Taking time off for viewings? Selling a house is hard enough when you actually want to move. You aren’t well in yourself. What’s his proposal. Him doing nothing and you doing everything is not acceptable. Until there’s a plan (negotiated via solicitors if need be) I’d say you aren’t in a position to put house up for sale.

I agree with this.

You are doing amazingly OP, now you need to take some of the power back - garner strength from your children (and your fantastic friend who I’m sure would have plenty to say about all this). He cannot push you around like this and call all the shots. His behaviour is deplorable. You will find your anger soon OP and it will be needed to get through this next stage. What is for certain though is that you have the brightest of futures ahead of you! The sadness you feel now is also the capacity you have for happiness, you so deserve it.

And I think you are right, he is bullying me but at the moment I give in to it, probably to appease him and in the pathetic, hopeless hope that he will decide that this kind, co-operative @Pleasenotme is worth being with once again

He's literally only doing this because he knows you're desperate, and you'll do anything to get him back.

He's just despicable. Amoral. Cruel. Vindictive.

There's no coming back from this. If he'd beaten you physically it would hurt less.

From a purely practical perspective, it might be wise to let the estate agents know that the possible house sale is due to divorce, and that you're still in the early days of understanding the financial arrangements, and you don't want to sell.

EAs absolutely hate divorce sales because they're so hard to navigate, so hopefully that'll be enough to make them back off a bit (ie label it a simply too much trouble).

You can also let them know it's very difficult for you, so if it does go on the market, you absolutely need advance warning of viewings, don't want to answer questions and don't won't loads of people traipsing through your family home. Set the ground rules early on, and don't waver.

You can put it in an email to the manager, no need to call if you're not up to it. Be passively unhelpful/uncommunicative.

So sorry you're going through this, you clearly don't deserve this awful treatment. Wishing you strength.

Could someone remind me does the H of the OW still not know?
Because if he doesn’t that is really telling.
Not for one moment that @Pleasenotme should ever take him back, but is the OW just waiting for this house to be sold before she does anything? Because at this stage I think her H should know, if he doesn’t already.
(Sorry if he does and I’ve missed some of the thread!)
Reading today’s update is heartbreaking. I think while advice like ‘get a haircut’ helps it cannot for one second touch the sides of the harm caused here.
And he’s taking a home from young adult children still living in it. In today’s housing climate there’s just grim.
He has abandoned them too.

If you can’t find anger for yourself can you find it for your children. There’s been expectation that they could live at home as young adults whilst getting careers launched. All very normal in 2024 with housing costs. You’ve not spent years supporting them academically, ferrying them to activities, paying for uni to pull rug out from under them and say at 22 or whatever you’re on your own now and can live in a bedsit because dad is demanding house sold right now.
Please do get legal advice.

I think you actually have the upper hand not telling her H. Because she knows you know, and it must cause her an endless amount of anxiety thinking you might have told him every time he walks through the door, answers the phone, or even clears his throat to speak. I can't imagine that's a comfortable life for anyone.

@Pleasenotme im echoing all the pp who are begging you to take good legal advice before you go anywhere near putting the house on the market. Especially with the dc still spending so much time/living there! Get angry on their behalf! Also because, in a year or three down the line, you’ll be very angry with yourself for rolling over and doing what he wants. He is taking serious advantage of you atm, don’t let him screw over the dc as well . Your dc also have the trauma of watching their dm suffer so badly, along with their own feelings about their father’s behaviour.

Of course you feel heartbroken but you don't have to be heartbroken. By that I mean don't be consumed by that emotion. There is a point to be made to fake it until you make it. You can not stay in this state forever and you will have to make a choice to feel differently as it won't just come overnight. My ex is 100% at fault but he's been treating me awfully. Apparently it is through guilt but stuff that. It's still painful and it's no excuse.

I have done 99% of the packing and prep for my house sale and move too and the reality is we have to sell so I'm not defending him, but there isn't always a way for one spouse to keep the house and the other to rehouse themselves. It is slightly different for me as when we split I had two at uni and one at home but then I had two at home. Then it changed again to a different two at uni and one at home and he did agree that until that one moved out the house would not go up for sale.

You do have to be aware that the house can't really be sold until the finances of the divorce have been agreed. Otherwise the proceeds can't be distributed and you'll have no money and no home.

And yet he is still so angry with me too. Why? Just why?

This is just typical narcissism. Narcs don't like being confronted with the results of their actions so they get angry at their victims when their victims show their hurt. It isn't about love or guilt. It's because narcissists have fragile egos and can't handle to be seen as bad guys.

Oh no@Pleasenotme, it’s not your responsibility to prepare the house for viewings. As he keeps saying, he’s the co-owner so he can do that. Any requests from estate agents should be met with, “please speak to X about that, I’m not available” and if he contacts you about preparing for viewings, again, “I’m not available.”

No explanations, you’re not going to get involved.

Re. Hair loss. My DD also loses hair when she’s stressed and the dermatologist recommended Rogaine. It does work.

Hi OP

You asked the question:
That sense that anything I say to my H is discounted as it has no value, no credence, no nothing, I am literally invisible to him. And yet he is still so angry with me too. Why? Just why? Is it because I'm not younger, not tall and slim like the OW, don't have her bouncy shining hair but instead a rapidly diminishing mess on my head that Wurzel Gummidge would be proud to sport?

The answer is of course that you are a reminder to him of what a shit he is and how awful his behaviour has been. The anger is there because you are in the way of him doing what he wants and he can see what he has done to you and is in danger of feeling the guilt. So, he tries to offload and deflect the guilt onto you by his anger with you. Please know that you didn't cause this by doing anything. It is all his doing. The guilt is all his. You have nothing to feel guilty for.

Right now, the OW hasn't left her DH for him so he is probably making all kinds of promises to her including a nice big place to live. He can't deliver on these promises until he has thrown you and his own DC out of their existing home. This is a major shitty thing to do so he wants to compartmentalize it along with everything else. Otherwise he might see himself for what he really is and he doesn't intend to do that.

Please cancel any more EA visits and don't do anything further on this yet. You have 3 valuations which is enough for now for any divorce paperwork. If he tries to impose anything else, just say you're unwell and not up to it. Any more EA visits that he sets up, either don't allow them in or answer the door in a dressing gown of doom, holding a tissue to your face (and bucket for extra effect) and tell them you have norovirus. That should get rid of them for a few weeks.

Yes, you may eventually have to sell, but you can stall the process as long as possible. He will be cross as this won't be what he wants and the longer he delays delivering on his promises to the OW, the less likely she will be to leave her DH for him. If she doesn't leave her DH, he will have blown up his marriage and nice comfortable life for nothing. I hope when this day comes you will have realised how toxic he is and automatically protect yourself by refusing to have him back. He is not the person you knew. This new person is really nasty. You loved the old him, not the one that is now there.

Please for your sake, try to avoid spending any time with him as it is too toxic for you. If he needs to come round, he has to make an appointment and you will be out and your DB or someone else there instead. They will keep an eye on him so he doesn't take anything he shouldn't.