Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

[Pleasenotme]

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

Except it will all be decided by a judge so saying you won't move won't work.

Op I posted on your other thread, we aren’t broken up but ‘figuring things out’ but I can pretty much tell he’s out. Everything you say resonates- the cold talking to an acquaintance as opposed to the person you were spending your life with. One thing that is helping me and if you think it won’t then definitely do not do this, but I watch break up comedy movies/ rom coms- the break up and the other woman. On my own so I can bawl hysterically then laugh hysterically too. Also reminds you you can enjoy life weirdly Hugs hugs xxxxx

Glad to read your post - you’re still moving forward through these awful feelings and events and surviving each day and more than that, holding your own at work - a fantastic achievement.
It’s hard when your partner of so many years becomes so cold and distant. I realised mine had ‘checked out’ a while ago and this was why . In a way it helped me to eventually realise the relationship was dead in the water and I didn’t want him back. You’re probably not at the point yet where you can embrace the new - it’s all too raw and painful . But you will be one day, as little by little you engage with what is now a new reality. You sound like a lovely, funny and clever lady and I’m sure one day you will emerge from this and be happy again

Your hair loss is probably down to the massive amounts of stress you're suffering. This happened to me too. My sweet daughter-in-law bought me a wig. A lovely thought but the colour was pretty striking and I looked like a female version of Donald Trump! Once the stress eases off the hair does come back. Having given up on the wig I used hats and scarves till it got a lot better. I remember being outraged that after all this stress my body was going to crap all over me by sending me bald. The last bloody straw. Your children sound lovely
Hang in there

Very good advice

I’ve just read through all your posts OP. You sound like a wonderful person. I wish I could forward to this time next year for you, you will be so much better and it won’t hurt in the same way.

What your scumbag H has done is awful, try however you can to separate that from what you need to do now to move on. Don’t bring everything back to ‘but this was how it was for us’. Life has many different chapters. As a pp said, be open to new things now and start looking for the joy in that. I know your H was your soulmate, and you had a wonderful marriage - but you were at least 50% of that. And those same qualities will allow you to live again in a different but equally beautiful life.

@Pleasenotme I love how you write. Your post whilst you may not see it or feel it are coming across so much more empowered. You have survived 100% of your hardest days. Keep pushing on and through x

You’re funny, articulate, have acute observation skills and empathy. All qualities your OH sounds like he lacked. You’re worth a hundred of him OP. I love the fact that you’re taking strength from your ancestors and their trials. You will get through this, and you’ll find a different, better life.

💯 this.
You sound like an amazing 👏 person @Pleasenotme.

@Pleasenotme for PM.
What an inspiration you are with your posts.

Through your anguish amd pain you have helped so many people.
Thank you.

Evening OP. I’m so sorry about your hair. Stress does dreadful thing to us doesn’t it? The body truly keeps the score.

I’ve been wondering about how you were getting on with the house situation. Back on your 1st thread I mentioned how my mother went through a similar break up a few years ago and how very very determined and certain she was about keeping the ‘family home’.

We are 5 years on. It is too big, expensive to heat and truly is a family home. But with one woman in it who is more worried about the £18k of new roof required than she is enjoying her home.

I know you don’t want to move but I beg of you - try to imagine in 5yrs time when you’d like to go on holiday but your spare cash has gone on yet another house job, whilst your DH has no such financial burden.

I am another who thinks of you often. You won't believe that life will have colour and joy again but it will (and I know you genuinely don't believe it in spite of what you are being told). One day you will care about someone else more than your DH and he will have lost his power. Although I do still believe he might well come crawling back especially once he realises he has lost you.

Re the hair loss would like to recommend a couple of things and will try and post links so you don't have to even look them up.

https://www.willpowders.com/products/collagen-peptides-powder?variant=39894134423719&country=GB&currency=GBP&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_campaign=sag_organic&tw_source=google&tw_adid=692690883806&tw_campaign=21077460604&gad_source=1

also

https://www.routinecos.com/product/shampoo-conditioner/?srsltid=AfmBOoqF6JoyKq5ogR6wLDVRvgs-IRv3GHv03ohQcanmYToHq2_kV9Li

xx

I agree with the advice about your house, OP.

It's just bricks and mortar at the end of the day. Don't cling on to it for its own sake. Move into a smaller place, more suited just for you.

What a brilliant way to look at it. At least half of the good stuff was you! I am going through an awful marriage breakdown with OW involved and small children and this has really resonated today thank you. I think I just realised my own value a little bit more.

You are sounding more positive Op. Take the little wins - laughing with a colleague, praised at work.
The children are seeing his true colours with the house. Don’t be rushed.
Keep going it will get easier.

Thanks for updating Op, I also think about you and Gingerloaf, often. Two amazing women who have chosen to lay their emotions bare on these pages, and hopefully have gained strength by doing so.

How anyone can choose not to have you as a friend I can't fathom. Even in the first days of your nightmare your humour and humanity shone through. The only thing that I can think of is that's his way of coping with what he has done. Or are men really so different to us that they can simply switch off feelings.

Wishing you continuing strength in the love of your wonderful children.

@Pleasenotme

You know, my BFF at first was devastated at the knowledge that her home would have to be sold. It was her 'first home' and she'd decorated it to be 'just right'. But after the initial shock wore off she realized that even though there were family memories in that house, her ex had (in her words) 'poisoned the walls'. For every memory of something lovely, there were also memories of his nasty words and abusive behaviour. In the end she was rather happy when it was gone since she had '4 new walls' to fill with memories. And you know, she refused to ever allow him in her new house. He could stand on the stoop, but never cross the threshold. She said she wanted no memories of him inside it.

I know you aren't in that place yet. But I do believe you will be, in your own way and in your own time. Just try to open yourself up to the future, just a little bit. Even if you don't quite believe in it yet, it will be a good one.

And remember a quote I read in a book somewhere "Winter will always pass. Spring will always come". Hang in there.

Hello @Pleasenotme. Glad you have made work progress and also had a night out. However ... "somehow disrespectful and disloyal" 😮 - what do you think he has been towards you? Stop this thinking at once! He deserves ZERO loyalty from anyone. You're doing amazingly well, this awful man has put a bomb under your life and that of his own children. I can't express my utter contempt for him and admiration for you and how you are coping. Yes, you are, really. The way you are feeling is normal, don't beat yourself up.

My sister went through a similar situation, except her DH did come back because the OW decided the grass wasn’t greener. She’s a shell of a woman now. I appreciate she was heartbroken when he left, but she’s now constantly on edge and afraid to upset the apple cart in case he ups and leaves again.

His behaviour is still abhorrent yet she accepts it because she wanted to hold onto the idea of their relationship. It can never be the same relationship again. Honestly, while you feel that having him back would make you happier, how do you ever forgive such a betrayal? How do you not constantly worry that it would happen again?

I appreciate that you’re struggling right now, but one day you will realise you are better off without such an inconsiderate ahole in your life.

Or are men really so different to us that they can simply switch off feelings

Well, my ExH managed to, absolutely overnight.

It was terrifying. The cruel man who gazed down at me with utter contempt in his eyes was a complete stranger.

It wasn't my kind, supportive husband anymore. It was an imposter. My mind could not take it in.

@Pleasenotme I ended up being sectioned and had to stay in hospital for a good while.

Eventually I was discharged and I went to a small flat. I made it a home. But it was very difficult at first.

It's been 27 years since that time, and I eventually remarried, and we've been very happy.

I expect you're fed up of us all telling you that you'll get through this, and you'll be happy again. I didn't believe it was possible, but two years after my ex disposed of me so casually, I met my second husband.

OP I'm glad to hear from you.
Your post sounds more positive, I think you are going I'm the right direction. You are still grieving but definitely you words dont reflect the darkness of your first posts. Its a relief to know that. I kept thinking of you every day.

The fact is uou are grieving someone who doesn't exist. You said you believe behind his coldness there must be still that loving man, that is why you can't let go. That loving man does not exist. One day you will look back and see him for what he really is. He is pathetic and extremely selfish and despicable.
He is now seeing a woman who doesn't leave his husband for him. What a pathetic sight. Please meet your friend again, she sounds amazing and great craic, allow yourself to laugh with her. She is great. You need that OP. Please keep posting.
All the best.

Three valuations today, it felt surreal and like I was acting throughout. I have a terrible headache and must have seemed odd to the estate agents as I was so distant with them. They all asked why we wanted to sell and each time I said that I didn't but my H did. I didn't say anything about marital breakdown as I knew that would open the emotional floodgates and I would break down in front of them but I imagine they will have guessed as they must see it all the time. The desire to slam the door in their faces when they arrived was overwhelming and my heart is still pounding even though the last one left over an hour ago.

They are all going to follow up formally after reviewing their notes and photos but each gave me an estimate which was probably a little lower than I expected but the house is difficult to price (apparently) as it is a bit of a one off, although a lovely property. It does look like I will still have to take out a mortgage as the likely equity won't go very far when split two ways. I can't believe I'm writing this.

I'm sorry I'm not thanking you all individually but I am reading and taking it all in. And yes, I'll see my marvellous friend again and she can attempt to temporarily lift my soul but I would do anything to be holding my H right now, having time-travelled back to before all this happened. The grief is horrendous. Yes, I stagger through the days and - on the surface - cope, but the emptiness of it all is remorseless. I am heartbroken.

Dear OP, It's a lovely character trait to be aware that you are only one of billions of people, and to feel grateful for good wishes of strangers. It makes me wonder if your husband was a far more ordinary man than you describe, as the people on here are ordinary too. Maybe he was just an average bloke, and you elevated him out of gratitude. He's clearly not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Imagine him just sitting there with his tongue out, waiting for the OW to leave her husband! He must be giving her the ick. PS Not to minimise your understandable horror, but your hair will grow back in a few months, stress-related hair loss always does. Hard to believe it, but it will!

Bless you, sounds a tough day. I would honestly do everything to stall selling the house. Let it be forced by a solicitor if necessary but don't agree to it before you have to.

Don't let him pressurise you, I know you probably want to keep communicating with him in the hope he says he's changed his mind, etc. But it does not sound like that will happen so the communication is for his benefit only - for him to be able to nag about what he wants. I'm sure it's easier said than done but I'd block him and not talk to him. He can write a letter if he wants. Which you can choose or not choose to respond to.

Where does he think the children will live when the house is sold? They're adults (?) but can they house themselves? If you can only afford a small house where will they go?

Hi there @Pleasenotme

You have had a horrible day so far. I'm really sorry. I can't imagine how bad you're feeling.

Get the house sold and out of the way. You need to start afresh in your own place.

It seems so impossible now, but you'll manage. Your children and your friends will help with everything.

How are the DC feeling about the house sale?

I honestly wouldn’t rush re house you don’t have to jump to his tune. A unique property and Christmas period are not likely to result in quick sale. Who is preparing property for sale - it’s ok him demanding but it’s a lot of work for you. You’ve been one who has had to take off work to meet with valuers today.
Are any of your dc at home?