Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

[Pleasenotme]

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

@Pleasenotme thankfully I’ve never been in your situation but I know I would react much like you have if I ever was. To have the person you have loved, trusted and relied on for so many years to betray and abandon you so suddenly would be devastating. It is very much like a bereavement in many ways as you have lost that person forever, the one person who could comfort you is gone but paradoxically is also the cause of your pain. Your whole reality has been upended and the man you knew for so many years has disappeared overnight.

I actually feel sad in a way for anyone saying you are overreacting because they clearly haven’t experienced the kind of loving, committed and deep relationship you had because if they had they’d understand the pain you are unfortunately experiencing. It’s easy to think that in your situation they would be stronger, immediately cut off their feelings, become steely towards him and be confident to forge ahead. I know I would be a mess and I feel your pain.

He’s had months to detach himself and extract himself emotionally from you. It was his choice whereas you are being forced into a situation you were entirely not expecting and unprepared for, you were blindsided in the most awful way and you now have to deal with the pain of a situation you didn’t ask to be in. In your mind he has the cure but he is refusing to give it which hurts all the more as previously he no doubt would have done anything to ease your pain.

It doesn’t matter if he was the only man you’ve ever loved or your sixth husband. The feelings are the same because the relationship was real, it was a deep connection and your lives were intertwined in a way that seemed permanent. Hopefully in time you will find it easier, much like grief the visceral pain subsides so that you can function but it doesn’t hurt less, just in a different way. In time you will fall out of love with him, you will eventually realise he’s not worth your tears but it will take time and there is no schedule you have to adhere to. You will deal with this at your own pace and although it may not feel like it right now, you are making progress. You’re stronger than you know.

Please OP do not listen to those who are unable to sympathise with those really suffering and feel entitled to minimise those intimate feelings. They are the ones at fault, and they do that with everyone. Cruel people are cruel with suffering in general. It's nothing to do with you.

I can recognise the way you feel, the dark moments, the intensity of it. I went though all of that a long time ago, it was way worse than griving death. It's very real and dark.
OP at some point have faith that you will look back and see it in a complete different way. You really will, as many said take minute by minute, hour by hour.

Look for good company, share your tears. Don't be afraid of doing that. Don't be alone too much. Keep writing here. Your style is beautiful. ❤

It isn’t worse. That’s not to diminish the OP’s pain though.

I remember when my dad left my mum, she was absolutely devastated for months on anti depressants felt suicidal, she wished he had died as that would of been easier to cope with. I was 15 at the time so found out a lot of this later on. My mum survived and re-married, she never forgot what he did but in the end she was a lot happier and had a better life. OP you will survive as well and get through this absolutely awful time❤

I'm not sure if "worse" is the word for it, but I think it is certainly more complex for a while at least. Death is final, but death is not rejection.Humans are hardwired to fear rejection, and as hard a death of a loved one is, they did not reject you by dying. You are not left in the hopes that it can be somehow reversed by changing something about ourselves, be it looking more attractive, or wishing we were younger. When you lose a partner, the grief is similar to death, but yet the person lives, seemingly happy without you. It can be extremely disorienting. OP you will eventually come out this stronger even though the mere idea may seem laughable now, but it will take time. All the cliches about time healing is true.

IME it did feel like a death. The death of everything we had planned together for our future. In many respects it would have been easier for me if exh had died. I would have the good memories to see me through and not the bad ones which still haunt me sometimes while he lives his best life. Keep on hanging in there OP.

OP you are doing great - you need to give yourself credit for navigating the in-person meeting in the office. That is HUGE. Your earlier posts contemplated leaving your job completely. Well done and kudos to your great boss for supporting you.

Baby steps. When you look back over your shoulder you will see how far you’ve already come. Keep going. Spring is not far away. Keep writing, you are so articulate and kind with your words.

So sorry you are going through this. Please allow yourself to grieve. You have lost the man (you thought) he was. That man is never coming back, that marriage can’t be retrieved, so you need to grieve that loss. You can still remember the good times with fondness, those memories are real. But this man who visits, is not that man.

If he (the person he is now) ever does decide he’s made a mistake and wants to come back, it’s a new person, not the man you knew/had. So your decision would be based on if you could accept this man back, not getting your old life back.

Separate the two men in your mind, grieve the old one, you don’t have to decide where the new one fits in yet.

good luck OP, just take one day at a time. 💐

I’m not being unkind.

Keep telling yourself that, Ms Jolly.

Here’s some perspective for you; for some people, going through a break up/divorce can feel* *like someone’s died. The person you love is no longer with you, it’s a full grieving process trying to get over something like this.

You write with empathy and insight, different to the usual Mums net posts, But that doesn't make it 'Fiction'.

You are not Jilly Cooper under an assumed name, writing here for fun.

I didn't want to mention it earlier on in your posts, but when I got divorced, {financially in a tight spot with a new mortgage} the two male lawyers who oversaw it said:

'We know how painful this is, please keep your {Landline} it is a lifeline at a time when you are feeling bereft and lonely.
We would strongly advise that you don't give it up because it's expensive to run'

There was no internet then, so a landline was the only way, apart from Royal Mail, to keep in contact with people.

In retrospect they were 100% correct.

The phone line was expensive, but it was a link to the outside world {Family lived 120 miles away}

The solicitors then told me of women who had committed suicide when long term marriages broke down.

The sudden shock. They were not weak women, they were ones caught in a sudden maelstrom of pain, where they couldn't see any relief.

Could a landline have stopped their desperate loneliness?

Who knows..but the solicitors were mindful of the emotional toll of separation and divorce on people.

@Pleasenotme , I have been following your threads since the beginning in massive sympathy, although reading only your comments. I often do this because some the responses on MN can be so terrible on a number of fronts, and, from your most recent posts it looks like you've had the inevitable nonsense thrown at you.

All I wanted to say is ignore, ignore, ignore. Some of the unpleasant comments are likely to come from people with such dull lives that they are desperate for exciting updates from a stranger in pain on the Internet, and are furious that you're not providing them with the thrilling entertainment they feel entitled to. Fuck them. Onwards and upwards.

I am relieved to see some of more compassionate and empathetic posters have come back to get this back on track. I was horrified by some of the vicious unkindness and lack of empathy a few posters showed to @Pleasenotme late last night and this morning. I know how much those posts would have affected me when I was at my low point. I did stop coming to MN for support precisely because of that sort of behaviour. It helps no one except to give that poster a little frisson of pleasure at their cruelty and cut off one avenue of support when people most need it.

@MrsAga is right. I grieved my old marriage, and I know at the time, it definitely felt like him being dead would have been easier to understand and accept.
The man who came back is very different to the one who left and like night and day from while we were separated. He is a lot kinder, a lot more considerate, way more likeable! I still don't know everything that happened in his head to lead to his decision to go, I never will. But I do know that this time round, our relationship is a lot more conscious and deliberate than ever before. Neither of us take it, or each other, for granted. It is very much a new marriage.

OP I think you’re reacting in a more common way than you think , not everyone can pull themselves together and just get on with things straight away , that will come with time. For now take it day by day and give yourself some credit for how far you have come.

Wow, I am truly shocked by some of the comments here - like those by @bulb34 and @JollyGreenSleeves. I can only assume they are totally lacking in empathy or are deliberately trying to be cruel and hurtful. Whatever their motives, I find their posts very unhelpful. Isn’t the point of this board to be supportive of people with problems? And not to try to cause them more pain and suffering?

@Pleasenotme – I am so sorry that you are going through this terrible time. You seem like a lovely, kind-hearted, intelligent person. I went through a similar situation several years ago and am only now able to be indifferent to my ex. It took a long time and there were many days and weeks and months when I cried and wanted him back (despite what he did) and also didn’t want to be here any more. I am sure many of us here have experienced this, unfortunately. You can’t just switch your feelings off after so many years with someone. Even if they apparently can.

I remember when I was in this initial nightmare period when my ex was being nasty and cold etc. that I cried with emotion when someone was nice to me - they just said hello and asked how I was. A few kind words meant the world. And I hope you are getting plenty of kind words and support in real life too, OP. You are not at all pathetic – far from it. You are clearly a sensitive, kind person who has had her life turned upside down. I wish you all the best. Please ignore the unsupportive posters here. There are plenty of empathetic people who will try to support you as much as possible.

I was actually thinking yesterday that what you are describing is in fact the very visceral, raw and agonising effects of grief. I haven’t experienced what you have relationship wise, but have had too many losses.

Those that have been sudden, and premature with the person ripped from their and my lives, this is how it feels. Only time passing allows us to live our lives around the gap.
We have to endure the grief.

One of the things which is hard in a situation like this is that the world does go on. I remember looking out the window and seeing all these people going about their normal business and thinking why? It doesn't make sense I know., Divorce is also so common that people expect you to move on or ask you stupid questions like " what are you going to do?" when all you can do is barely get off a sofa. As regards the bereaved they get more sympathy and they get all the house and money 😬. You are expected to get on with it . You are not the first and won't be the last and it takes time. There is no set path as each person's situation is unique. You do what you do to get by. One day hopefully you will look back and see it for the best. Otherwise you can wallow like someone I know who talks endlessly about her ex and the " better times". I'm not saying you are wallowing OP.

When I was my early twenties I woke up one morning and didn’t feel anything to my boyfriend. We were together for three years at that time. I drugged the relationship for another year, hoping to be in love with him again. But it didn’t happened. I am not comparing this to your 35 years of marriage at all. I am just saying I think it’s possible to fall out of love suddenly from a partner anytime along the way.
i broke up with him as gentle as I can and in that young age I was aware of his feelings and didn’t want to hurt him as I loved him still but wasn’t in love with him anymore.
Your husband sounds very cruel the way he ended.
He obviously not in love with you anymore and wants to live his life differently. This can happen to anyone. I was so in love with him and it was so shocking when I realised I don’t love him anymore.
Your H should leave if he doesn’t want to be married to you anymore but he should have left you more gently.
I am really sorry how he ended it and how he is behaving now. It’s very cruel.
i don’t agree some of the comments about you are over reacting. I think most of the people would hurt so badly. You are just so honest about your feelings and you are not pretending to look strong.
some people are very scared to see strong emotions as they don’t know how to deal with them.
I believe you are very strong. To able to showing real emotions front of other people is breave and strong thing to do.

@Pleasenotme has every right to feel as if somebody died and it is perfectly natural to feel this way. She is grieving. Grief is about a huge loss. Significant loss of any kind causes grief.
After infidelity and abandonment loss attacks on many, many levels that are similar to a bereavement and sadly have added layers that even in being bereaved, we are actually spared.
We grieve the loss of the person ourselves in our lives, in death it is permanent, after the ending of a marriage, it is still permanent. However the added layer is that death is not a choice, unless it was suicide, the person did not choose to abandon us, they died. If our spouse chooses to leave us permanently and we are betrayed too, that added layer can indeed feel worse.
The losses are many, we have lost our present way of life, our presumed future growing old as a married couple together, just as in death. In death, the past remains the same. However, with infidelity, the added loss is that of the truth about our past, of what we thought our past was compared with the truth of what was going on during the affair, the truth about how we thought our spouse felt about us, whether or not our spouse ever meant a word they said, especially if they have decided to rewrite history and say stupid shit like they were never happy etc etc.
You can actually think that it would be easier to get over the death of your spouse than this. When my husband cheated, initially I admit that I thought it would have been easier to get over his death than his betrayal after 35 years.
This stuff hurts in a visceral way that defies logic because love and loyalty are involved and it is very hard to just tritely say that it’s obvious to get angry and get to a solicitor, no matter how good that advice may be.
Shock and grief are real and traumatic and OP is working her way through this admirably. A lot of things have died for OP and outside of the death of a child it really can feel worse than a death. I read somewhere in a psychology book (wish I could remember the source) that it’s second only to that.
Ignore the posts minimising it all, you’ll know when you’re ready to take the next steps. Sending love.

This may mean nothing or something, but my best friends dad left his wife of forty years for a younger woman (mid 20's - he was 60)
Two years later, they had a toddler, on a small flat as he was 0
Paying 2 mortgages,- she was over him & out every night whilst he was at home in small flat regretting everything. His ex wife, enjoying what was once their garden & friends and living her best life.

As he reaped so did he see. And he is bloody miserable & knows she's shagging around but can't afford to leave

Hell slap it into him & yours

oh how funny - my adult DS just told me about a similar blazing row exH and his wife (OW) have just had - dear reader I smiled, positively grinned, for the same reason as you!

OP, I’ve been following your thread since you started the original one and although I’ve not posted any advice previously, I just wanted to urge you to please not give up on your own life and your recovery through this awful, shitty situation you find yourself in.

My dad did exactly the same to my lovely mum. After 28 years of happy marriage, he came home one day and calmly informed her that he was leaving her, had met someone else and he wasn’t coming back. She was absolutely blindsided - had no idea anything like this was coming and had no way of coping with it. She blindly clung to the hope that one day, he would come back but sadly he never did.

Mum ended up in a one bedroom flat. I was a young adult at the time, with a husband and a baby but I saw her every day and did my best to look out for her. Despite encouragement, she couldn’t move on. Her health suffered. She refused to go out and stopped engaging with everyone apart from me. She talked about dad endlessly and waited for the day when he’d come back with his tail between his legs and love her again.

Ten years later, she died. She’s given up on life as she said that she had no life without him.

Please don’t let this happen to you. I don’t know how old you are - and I totally understand the pain you’re in but you must, a little at a time, start to heal. Yes, it will take a long time, it’s worse than a bereavement because he hasn’t died - which would be outside of his control - but has chosen to walk away. But you must try and carry on - for the sake of your children and other people who love and care about you.

I was heartbroken when my mum died, and I didn’t speak to my dad for 10 years. He’d cast her off like shit on his shoe, cared nothing for the woman who had been a good and loving wife to him for nearly three decades, because he was a selfish prick who only thought of his own wants and needs. Funnily enough - he’s 91 now and I know full well he regrets what’s he’s done. There’s only me to look after him and although I do, on a daily basis, I do it out of duty and not love - he doesn’t deserve that.

Take it one hour at a time for as long as you have to but please don’t give up. You CAN and will find peace and happiness again but you have to let yourself be open to that. Don’t spend years pining for someone that could treat you so utterly poorly. Don’t throw the rest of your life away like my poor mum did.

Wow @PlutarchHeavensbee what an AMAZING post 🥰❤️

@PlutarchHeavensbee that's heartbreaking. He doesn't deserve you. Good advice though.

I totally understand. I had same experience with my ex husband. I think he's definitely seeing a other woman. Just spelling this out to you, cuts like a knife I know. I was left at 30 with a disabled child and baby. Same attitude as your hubby. Ice man, left suddenly, no emotion or consideration shown to me at all. Definitely doing a runner. He's got into something he doesn't wish to get out of. He will be feeling extreme guilt inside, but it will all come out of him in coldness, nasty comments, avoidance, and denial of his past. It is like he died and you go through a grieving process. Don't be like me 40 years on thinking he would come back, as this has an awful awful affect on your mental health and your physical health( no appetite, loss of weight etc). Be kind to yourself, definitely defend yourself with the truth when he rips into you verbally, tell him to go to hell . Self preservation during this time is imperative, otherwise you will just go down and down. I ended up very very ill throughout the minefield of separation and divorce, building my life and young children s lives again. It is absolutely torture while you go through it, go to your GP, tell them you need urgent counselling, and start rebuilding yourself from that point. I found siring it all out to a kind listening ear so beneficial, and found tha t how I honestly and truly felt about husband was normal, as I still loved him and couldn't imagine life without hi. It's horrible. Just think to yourself he's gone, but I'll be OK. Good luck and lots and lots of love.

I ended up very, very ill throughout the minefield of separation and divorce

So did I.
I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital because I became so unwell.

Ex H brought the DC to see me every now and again. It was torture.

He became a cold-hearted stranger.

Overnight.