Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

[Pleasenotme]

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

I really hope OP gets to that point. He doesn’t deserve her.

I did eventually meet another man myself, about three years after my husband turned into a cold, unrecognisable stranger.

But right at the beginning, I think I would have welcomed him back if he'd asked me to.

The suddenness and the devastation of the end of our marriage caused me to need a long hospital admission.

All I can say now is that 28 years later, I never think of him, and I married again, and have been very happy.

Ex-husband never sees one of our children. Inexplicably.

I doubt these two ever will have joined lives together, dear Poster. What was she, 39 with two small challenging kids and him a 60 year old grandad

Again, a comment deleted for daring to question a thread, utterly ridiculous that pps are reporting any comment not in complete agreement.

Troll hunting is specifically mentioned as being against the MnTGs.

The ‘horror’- utter hyperbole. Nobody died for god’s sake.

The betrayal and shock ending of what the OP thought was a happy marriage will be akin to the grief of a major bereavement, I would think.

Unquestionably.

You only have to read the OP's posts to see the extent of her grief and shock.

She hasn’t told her husband and hasn’t left home either. I think OPs husband is going to get a rude awakening.

You have very clearly never experienced this sort of situation yourself or you wouldn’t be writing like this. The pain and shock are absolutely eviscerating . You really do lack empathy.

I’ve just read all of your posts op and I can understand your pain . I’ve been through the same pain 20 yr ago and all I can say is that, at the time , I couldn’t ever imagine the pain ever going away , absolutely impossible, I loved him too much , I was ill , but it did ! Time was the only cure . In time I realised his true colours and my self worth . 2 yr it took . 2yr to feel no pain . It may take you a little longer but one day , honestly, you will be over him . And i think you will eventually meet someone else , someone lovely and will be happy that your husband showed his cold true colours . Small steps , be proud you made them and you ll get there . x

@TheShellBeach
I did not look up any other post, I replied to another poster saying I was concerned at times if this was genuine due to the language used. I did not quote any previous post.
Maybe whoever reported has poor comprehension skills.

I haven't read the thread since my previous post. I thought I'd add a situation I remembered from years ago when in a previous house a neighbours husband walked out of a marriage which according to his wife was like a bolt out of the blue with no apparent reason. There was a woman she suspected he was seeing as they appeared overly friendly at a neighbours annual gathering to celebrate new year. It turned out there was no affair. He had been struggling for a long time with certain aspects of his life and this woman and her husband were supporting him. It's not always an affair. There can be many reasons & often it's the wife who is the last to know. I hope your getting all the help & support you need at this time OP. Your daughter although understandably angry sounds absolutely amazing.

Saying that you're wondering if a post is genuine is troll hunting.
MNHQ obviously agreed.

Oh come off it! You literally know nothing about me whatsoever. Unless you’ve been with the same partner from your teens (which is what I thought might be the scenario with the op) there will be very few women that haven’t experienced relationship break ups, people cheat all the time. Most marriages end in divorce. Yes, it hurts. Yes, there is a process to go through emotionally. Of course I’ve been through it, but it isn’t about me. Think the thread is being derailed now. Different people handle things differently.

The op will get over it, and she really doesn’t want to look back and regret behaving so desperately, begging and crying etc. She will feel much better about herself when she can get this into perspective. She needs to reframe what her ex is for this to happen and he really is no loss. He doesn’t get to waltz in to collect post for example.

I’m sure the op doesn’t need posters policing other’s thoughts/advice on her behalf. She isn’t a child so stop treating her like one.

No, @JollyGreenSleeves I haven't been with my H since my teens and had a number of serious relationships before I met him, so I have experienced break-ups and emotional pain, just as I have suffered bereavement and pregnancy loss, as so many of us have. And before I changed career and qualified in my current profession, I was employed in a role that involved dealing with people, mainly children, enduring the most terrible circumstances and suffering, so I am far from being the virgin bride, unacquainted with the realities of life.

I was so taken aback and genuinely hurt by the intimation that my thread might not be real simply because of my writing style that I have thought hard about taking myself off it. However, that would have removed at a stroke the fantastic insight and variety of perspectives I receive, the daily encouragement to keep plodding on. So thank you again to all who trouble to reach out with such wisdom, whether it be gently or more trenchantly. You will never know how important to me this support has been.

One other point, a PP said words to the effect that no one had died - such a casually cruel comment and also, I feel, an attempt to shame me for the feelings I have. I'm still alive but in my very darkest hours, didn't want to be. Does that make me pathetic? Perhaps. But was it a genuine feeling on my part at that time and still now, on occasion? Definitely. And I worked with a woman many years ago who killed herself on discovering her husband's infidelity, and a member of my extended family ended up in a psychiatric unit with severe trauma when her H left her for an OW. Infidelity PTSD is a very real thing, according to my GP, with sometimes very serious consequences, so I think I'll trust his expertise on this matter.

Yes, well said.
As I said on a post earlier, I think the sudden discovery of infidelity after sharing most of your adult life with someone is hugely affecting and isn't something you can just shake off in days, weeks or even months.

I think posters who have intimated that you are over-dramatising this have not experienced such betrayal and/or are probably a fair bit younger than you. You have spent decades with this man, raised a family with him and your whole adult lives are entwined.
Untangling that takes a long time and is very traumatic. It will be for your husband at some stage too, at the moment he has his head in the sand & is hiding from his emotions regarding the end of his marriage by indulging in a new relationship. But unless he is a robot he will face the same feelings of loss & confusion at some stage.

Thank you, @Colourfulduvets

@Pleasenotme hi there.
Thank you for your latest update.

I'm sorry that a few responses on this thread have caused you to consider leaving it, but very glad you're going to keep posting anyway.

Some people just enjoy kicking others when they're already down and desperate. That is unbelievably cruel and quite unnecessary.

I would say that the vast majority of the posters on this thread understand how you're feeling, and are not urging you to go at a pace which is too fast for you.

It is always wrong to tell someone to pull themselves together or to buck up, when that person is someone who is, or who has recently been, suicidal. I'm horrified that anyone thinks such advice is appropriate, helpful or useful.

If your husband had died, nobody would tell you that your grief response was wrong, or your reactions suspect.

Please continue to post. We're still listening, and ready to help if we can. Many of us have been through this and we understand very well how you're feeling.

TheShellBeach 👏

OP although it doesn’t feel like it now it will get better. You CAN do this

Well said! Rooting for you all the way OP.

@Pleasenotme Please don't disappear. The thread has been derailed now and it's important to be back on track and to support you and, yes, listen to you moan and wail. That's what friends do and though none of us know each other IRL we have that affinity with you.

You’re not pathetic at all.

someone once said to me that a betrayal like this is like a bereavement but with the added insult that the person you loved has chosen to do this. You are dealing with a physical loss of the person as well as this emotional betrayal.

im not meaning to compare death to relationship breakups but am just responding to the OP saying she was hurt by a previous posters comment that nobody had died. I’m certainly not wanting to upset anyone who has lost a partner by bereavement. I think ultimately comparing the situations doesn’t help anyone but just wanted to say that I think such a feeling of loss isn’t unusual.

Hope you’re doing ok OP, well done for making the work meeting and getting through it.

Well said!

The vast majority of PPs have provided support, empathy and understanding - please don’t let the unkind words of one or two people stop you from posting. I have been shocked by the lack of emotional awareness, but it is a reflection on them, not you.

I have not been in your situation but I still have empathy for what you are going through. I am a mental health professional and I just wanted to say that I agree with your GP. I have worked with many women who have suffered from PTSD following infidelity, as that experience can be a serious threat to your sense of self. The women I worked with were able to heal, in time, though. There is hope and you show remarkable strength by posting here - vulnerability takes courage. Keep posting!

Please don't leave OP. You're not pathetic and you have every right to feel the way you do. It's a devastating position to be in.

I completely agree @WeAreNotCookingTheSpoon it is a physical loss and an emotional betrayal, and the person who was previously the one to support you through your darkest days is now the one creating those darkest days, while excitedly looking forward to 'living their best life'.

@Pleasenotme the 'no one has died ' comment shocked me too. It's actually worse.