Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

[Pleasenotme]

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

Just to say I’m so so sorry things are so hard. You have an army behind you! Your integrity, intelligence and strength shine through your posts. I know your heart and world are breaking but these posts show ‘you’ are still there. Thinking of you x

Better get back to work.This post nearly had me in tears. Mumsnet is such a wonderful therapy in itself despite some of the answers which at times can be a reflection of a posters own inner turmoil.

OP stick to the moral high ground & don't tell the OWH-unless he actually approaches you and asks...presumably lots of people know and could tell him, so you don't need to. My Father left when I was a teen and I did want to continue to see him as he was the only Father I had....many years later Mum admitted it was extremely painful seeing me go off with him for the odd weekend and I felt awful I had caused her pain. Yr daughters are no doubt in a bit of a tailspin as well and just trying to be 'fair' in case you 2 get back together. Their relationship with him has been shattered though and I'm sure they will distance themselves from him as they get older. For your own sanity I really think you need to accept he has left you, he has hurt you so badly it might not be possible to get back together even if he suddenly realises he's made a horrific mistake. You're worth better than that, as are your daughters. Self care is top priority right now, try and get some fresh air every day, try and eat healthily, try and see friends and let them know you need support. Well done for continuing to work, any little thing is a huge achievement right now. Life can be so cruel at times but look after your health and the rest will fall into place-sending you best wishes & hopes for happier times ahead

I think Gabor Mate would totally agree with your implicit message. The situation the OP is in is appalling but if she can continue with therapy and come out of the other side of the situation, then she may feel stronger and happier. What she describes is hard to imagine forgiving, mistrust will always be there.

I have followed both your threads - everyone reacts differently when they are subjected to this situation. Personally I feel you haven't told OW's husband so that if your husband decides to come back then that's OK, the damage as it were will just be between you and him. If OW's husband is told there will be no going back.

If I remember there was a hint of your anger shown, when a house valuation had been arranged behind your back - this was a sign that your husband definitely wanted to move on...

No one can be judgemental about how you feel - this is your life.
@Einkleinerwaschbar posted a very insightful post about how she decided to fight for her marriage, and perhaps some things in that post might resonate with you.

I'm afraid I've been in your shoes. It was a real east enders style drama and very, very painful.
I'm 2 years down the track now, and whilst I can't say that I'm entirely comfortable with my life, I'm learning to be in control of it.
After so very many years together learning to be me again was the hardest thing.
The betrayal put our past together into the shade so I found myself left with no past or future, and the present was untenable. Unfortunately the fastest way is right through the middle. You have to feel the feelings. You have to tell everyone, because only then does it become real. You can't have him back because you would spend your life looking over your shoulder and waiting for the other shoe to drop. You can't put the genie back in the bottle, sadly.
You have to put emotional boundaries in place to protect yourself.
He should NOT be coming to the house. If he wants something he can let you know and you'll leave it on the doorstep or in the garage, but every time you see him and you are in bits it's another victory for him.

I never found my anger but I did find my self respect again, and that was what got me through the worst of it.

You have my love and sympathy for where you are now, but KNOW you are strong enough, and you will get through this swamp and come out on the other side.
Hopefully he will have a miserable life, deeply regret his decision but be unable to back track and die miserable!

I think it's interesting that the OWH doesn't know. If your H and the OW haven't left their respective partners for one another, it may be a fling that burns out - but I don't want to give you false hope, OP. I've been reading your posts and I really feel for you. My stepdad had an affair with a much younger woman when I was about 30. My mum found out and kicked him out, but eventually took him back, and they both tried to pretend nothing had happened and carry on, but I know that a bit of my mum still absolutely hates him and doesn't forgive him and never will. She was just more scared of life on her own than with him in it. Ironically, I find myself single in my late 40s, and I am happier. Not having to think/worry about/take care of a man is much easier! But it's all really early days for you, just a couple of months really. It will take time, lots of time, to heal from this, so brace for that. Sending love and positive vibes.

So sorry about this OP. Its heartbreaking.

If you are in East Anglia please PM me, we have a support group.

I have also been through it. I wanted him back so bad, though he did come back a few months later and slept with me. I was desperate for him, but it was a massive massive mistake. Though, after that I suddenly did get angry and blocked him. I got a new pet and devoted my time to that. It's OK to wallow, I did on and off for a while. I also had sertraline and it takes a few weeks to adjust but is worth it.

Wishing you strength and love. I promise it gets better. I can think of and see my ex now and I don't feel sad or anger.

@Pleasenotme I know that many of you will be disappointed in me as I have singularly failed to find my inner Boudicca.

Absolutely nobody is disappointed in you. And I hope you’re not disappointed in yourself 💐

Telling the other woman’s husband isn’t your responsibility. It’s hers. You’ve got your own shit to deal with. As hard as it is, keep the OW and her DH out of your thoughts as best you can.

My only advice is, just keep going. Keep showing up.

Getting over this won’t be linear. There will ok days, and days where you want to die. These feelings are totally normal. So please please keep going and reach out to GP, friends, Samaritans, Mumsnet when you need that extra bit of support.

When you’re ready, please do explore therapy options. You’ve got nothing to lose.

It might not be weeks, it might not be months, but I promise you will start to feel better in time. Everything will be ok. Xx

It may look like he’s thriving now but the wheels will come off eg when her H finds out.
I don’t think it’s good he is coming swanning back in your home unsettling you. Is there a way to agree you’ll leave items in hall or collect at a set time and go out.
Well done on work meeting that’s an amazing achievement.
You mention the house and him inheriting if anything happened to you. If you change to tenants in common you can leave your half to
your children. You don’t need to go for divorce right away but worth getting legal advice about protecting your assets eg is he still beneficiary of your pension, that can be changed.
Your children will find their way. They sound young adults. I suspect as they get older and in serious relationships they will appreciate more the magnitude of what he has done.
Keep going. You are loved by your family and friends.

Hello, I haven't been able to read all the replies, but just wanted to show some love. My husband 3 weeks into the first lockdown in 2020. He said not for another woman, but unsurprisingly moved in with his co-worker almost immediately. I was absolutely devastated and probably still am if I'm honest.

We had a house and 4 children at the time and I was left to deal with everything alone as there were restrictions on who we could see at the time. I think the resentment of that, mixed with the hurt of him leaving, took over my life. 4.5 years on, I feel like I am finally back in control of my life.

It is IMPOSSIBLE advice I know, but please please try counselling for yourself. I shunned it thinking it wouldn't help (and also I wanted to funk about in my misery in all honesty and not have people keep telling me it would be OK!)

One thing I will say is we have had some absolutely incredible times as a family since he left and had lots of experiences we would never have even thought about doing before. You can and will be happy, even if it looks differerent to how you imagined.

Sending you so much love xx

I think your husband’s betrayal is worse than if he had died suddenly. I felt anger at my mother when she died even though I knew she had no choice in the matter. I know it’s a cliche but this is about your husband not you. Don’t blame or criticise yourself. Eventually, as with grief, the pain will lessen and you will learn to live alongside your grieving for what you have lost and you will build another, different, happy life.

OP, I havent read all the previous posts but didn't want to leave without writing a comment. Sending so much love and strength to you at the moment. Take care 💐

OP I am very sorry about your situation. Of course you are in utter shock and sad, trying to survive.
I found when I was in that fog, that was helped me, was to indentify and deal with the smallest problem or task first, is it taking a shower? or eating a meal? responding to an email? Then that is your starting point, because I used to find all the things I should have been doing like eating an elephant or climbing Everest. If I tackled a small thing it was at least a victory, even if it was the only thing I was able for that day.
Practical examples that may make things easier, if going to Tesco creates anxiety because you don't want to bump into anyone or deal with crowds, would doing an online shop be better?
Would getting his post redirected be easier, so that you don't have the upset of him popping in unexpectedly. Also it isn't unreasonable to ask for him to warn you beforehand that he is coming to collect things as opposed to just showing up on the way to his sister's.
Plan for the bad days, because we all have them. The days where we can only manage to have a wet wipe shower and messy bun. The days were we can't even think about what to eat and can only manage to put something from the freezer into the microwave. So I used to have bad day kits, wet wipes, an outfit to put on inc underwear in a ziplock bag so that I didn't have to think. ready meals in the freezer that I could just zap and eat.
Be kind to yourself.

The OP is utterly bereft here, and you're telling her she should be happy? Have a word with yourself.

Of course you're happy to see him as you are not at the acceptance stage yet, it's early days. However, it would only be good-mannered of him to give reasonable notice first, otherwise he is being controlling, checking up on you.

I doubt that his woman will break up her family for him. Women rarely leave unless married life was really bad, if that were the case she would have left by now. As he's of no fixed abode right now, is he likely to want to join in with your family Christmas? I daresay it has crossed your mind too.
If he does, assume the worst that he will be gone again in the New Year. The OW may have told him that she will leave her husband then.
In fact, try assuming the worst about the situation all round at present. I know that every time he drops by, you hope he's coming back, we have all been there, believe me. Please don't think that as I can imagine how crestfallen you feel every time it doesn't happen.
I agree with you regarding the ADs and counselling, you proved you can cope without chemically altering your brain by going to the meeting, also I can't think of anything worse than talking about myself for an hour to a complete stranger, who probably has nothing in common with me and my family.

Do they ever come back? Yes, when the OW kicks them back.
There was a thread here a long time ago. The H had been very cruel with words, as yours was. Eventually he left to attend a rugby match where he was meeting up with the OW. He'd taken a suitcase with him to announce the departure from his marriage.
She took one look and ran a mile, he went home meekly to his wife.
Hope tomorrow is brighter for you.

I’ve also read at the start and not commented I don’t think . I also wanted to express that you are doing a much better job than you realise . Managing the significant work meeting and behaving with integrity regardless of what others really deserve .

It takes time to get over these things , I remember crying daily for what felt months and feeling a bit of a mess for a year . Not to mention dealing with all the practical stuff.

One day at a time OP - keep going

@bulb34 I wanted to say something very similar, however, it doesn't look it's welcome in this thread.
Happy marriage, happier still to be single at any time!
(45 yo, no kids).

I really feel for you, @Pleasenotme . It's a special kind of grief - he's not the wonderful soul mate you thought he was. And because he's still alive and he's still being nice to other people, they're not grieving, so you don't have that solidarity in missing him. And because he's not actually dead, you don't have the certainty he's not coming back - in theory, he could.

In reality though, even if he came back, he wouldn't be the man you thought he was. So, you have certainty there. The man you thought he was wouldn't have tossed you aside for an OW. So, even though there is someone walking around with his face, the man who you love is gone.

Your extreme reactions are normal. You were together for such a long time and for that part of your life to be over is a huge adjustment. Don't let anyone tell you that you're overreacting or you should behave a certain way. Your feelings are valid.

I do think speaking to a counsellor will help. The people around you won't be able to relate to your feelings of loss as, to them, he's still there. A counsellor, who is more removed from the situation, won't have that confusion. And I promise, they are trained to be non-judgemental and they have heard all sorts.

And you know what, if anyone was to be judgey - you're not the villain in this story. You know that. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and you deserve as much support as you can get. Get those free counselling sessions through your workplace EAP. You're entitled to them, and you're entitled to start feeling better.

I am so sorry for all you're going through and all of the horrible twisty feelings. I wish I could do something to help. But the only real answers are time, letting out the feelings when you feel them, and talking to a professional. Therapy is not a sign of weakness, promise - accepting that help is a sign of strength.

@TheShellBeach Surely that's the point that's being made. Why is she so bereft, her husband is an arsehole. The OP is a woman of substance who he doesn't deserve.

Looking at your thread title reminded me of a quote my lovely daughter sent me -

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned within me there lay an invincible summer" Albert Camus

you will find your summer @Pleasenotme , and when you do, it'll be great.

Sadly I don't think that is the reason. It's usually because they can't imagine themselves in a life without the cheater or they fear or don't want the financial consequences.

My husband of 25 years had a mid life crisis and got a young girlfriend. I filed for divorce (did not use a solicitor) and managed to get a mortgage on a little house. The last thing I wanted was another man and I met one totally by accident. The third time we met, my daughters came too and said he was ok. We have been very happily married for a long time now.

The point is that the OP doesn't consider her husband to be an arsehole.

She's distraught. Telling her she should be happy that the love of her life has done this to her is tone deaf and cruel.