Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

[Pleasenotme]

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

@forevernumb i truly hate the way MN throws the words “pride and self respect” at women who have been betrayed. If they haven’t been the one doing the betraying they have no reason to lack pride or self respect, they have done nothing wrong.
I have never heard those words used to a betrayed person irl but on here, it’s so common and honestly, really unkind.
If you have been betrayed it takes massive strength to give the person who hurt you a real second chance. Not through fear or loneliness or desperation, but because you truly believe people can change. I think there is courage and strength in that.

You sound so lovely OP. Do whatever the hell you want to do, you’ll get through it, one step at a time. Xxxx

@Einkleinerwaschbar that was a brave post! I completely and utterly agree that the bubble is very quickly burst for some of these men when you remove the third corner from their affair drama triangle by showing your teeth and finding your strength to get out and enjoy life again. I’ve seen it time and time again.

I read once you have to be prepared to lose a marriage to save a marriage.

It really saddens me that you instantly have the ‘pride and self respect’ insults thrown at you! It’s pathetic and annoying.

Staying can be an empowered response to infidelity if you have a cheat who is remorseful and shifting through their own flaws to become better people. I’m glad you have both found peace again.

Sorry for thread hijack but I thought your post was very brave and honest.

i feel for you i experienced panic attacks when lost my son . it will get easier .when had someone in your life then they are gone it is hard . just take it one day at a time all sorts of things go through your head .dont make any rash decisions .just take your time, i wish you well

Do you really want him back though?
I know you thought he was a nice man but he really isn’t. He is weak, deceitful and selfish and has put you and your children through all this for a shag basically.

He is repulsive. I also think that even if he can legally, just turning up to get mail without asking first is really disrespectful towards you.

I know it’s hard to pull yourself together but I think you’re making it harder by focusing on him. Change your focus now to your adult kids- this situation will be harder for them by seeing you fall apart. You’ve shed enough tears by the sounds of it. Is he worth any more?

I get why you would still want to take your husband back, OP, and don't think any the less of you for it.
I think when you have spent most of a lifetime with a person, raised children together, been part of each other's extended families and know each other inside & out it's hard to close the door on that forever.

And I think when you get older and see people around you suffering illnesses and some losing their lives in middle age it makes you see things differently and you realise how precious life is.

His indifference & hostility is down to the inner guilt & shame he feels.
You know him, you know he isn't a bad man otherwise you wouldn't have been with him for so many years.
I think you need to concentrate on you right now & getting yourself together but if he comes back and you want to reconcile that is entirely your choice & isn't playing a "pick me" game or something to be ashamed of.

I am so sorry this has happened. I couldn't not try to offer you some support. Maybe you will resolve this with him, but if not I want to be clear you will also recover from this. It is a huge adjustment, like a bereavement, but to be honest you may well be better of without him. I have not read all the posts, but you could ask for marriage counselling and if he won't do this maybe consider counselling just for yourself to help you through this. Make sure you have trusted friends to confide in and support you.

On a practical level, this has probably been said, but I would get a STI screen, make sure you are aware of all the money in your bank accounts (in case he tries to move things out), and seek legal advice. I know you don't want a divorce, but if he has asked for one, personally I think you need to prepare yourself for this, so you get the best possible outcome if it does happen. I have a friend whose ex husband tried to hide money at the start of their divorce. Not saying this will happen at all and my own parents had a very amicable divorce, which I hope you will have too if it comes to it. Just think it is best to aim for an amicable separation, but plan for the worse. I believe you can often get 30 minutes of free legal advice from lawyers before you commit if this is a consideration. There will be others on here who can offer far better advice about this though.

Not been through a divorce before, but had a separation from a long term partner that was very much helped by relationship counselling that helped us to see it was not in either of our best interests to continue, and to find a way forward. Also, have witnessed my parents far happier since divorce from a long marriage.

@Pleasenotme I can't remember if you said anything about his family - parents, siblings and siblings in law - what's their view of all of this?

Hello,
how are you feeling today?
I remember watching something on the Tv, might of been ‘The Split’ and the actress asked how do you begin to recover and rebuild a life after a break up and the response was to put one foot in front of the other. I think this is what you are doing and all you can do right now to keep going. Despite the devastation you are feeling, you write very eloquently, which says you are able to see things clearly and rationally even though you might not feel that way. I’ve been through a divorce and remember thinking that I didn’t know if I could live through it. People used to say it will get better but I didn’t know if I could cope with waiting for that. I’m pleased to say I did and life is wonderful now, but it takes time to get to that place. One day at a time and see what happens. Take care of yourself in every way that you can.

Oh goodness your posts bring it all back. The mental pain and horror. This was me 7 years ago when my H of 20 years and love of my life just walked out.
It's a physical pain and I have no idea how I coped.
He did eventually come crawling back but by then I realised to my surprise that I didn't want him any more. I couldnt risk him doing this to me again. Next time I knew I'd die and I couldnt contemplate that. I knew it would happen again.
7 years on after a brave move cross country to a place I always wanted to live I cannot believe how happy I am. You will be too.
When his lust wears off he will be stuck with 2 kids not his and his own children will hate him.
You will get through this. You will survive and you will be happy again.

I haven’t read all the replies, or your first thread, but I was in your shoes 3 years ago. I was married to my ex husband for 31 years, when I found out he was cheating on me.

Part of me wanted him to come back and part of me didn’t. I didn’t want to be with a man who was so cowardly that couldn’t admit to having an affair (there was a lot of gaslighting in my case as I had suspicions).

I would get angry with myself because I still loved him.
Unlike yourself, I told OW’s husband, and I am glad I did. My ex husband and the OW worked together and all their colleagues knew what was happening but didn’t tell me or the OW’s husband. I was so angry, I was publicly made a fool of and so was her husband, so I told him, and I am glad I did.
You might tell OW’s husband, you might not, that is up to you, do what is best for you.

Its a long road, and I’m still not 100% there, still have my moments, when I hear a song or see a film or a place that brings up a lovely memory, but then I start to think he is a coward, and she won’t know the full story, he will have lied to her, but I have the truth in text messages and emails where he tried to convince me there was nothing go on, he only wanted me blah blah blah.

Although I still have my moments, I’m glad we are no longer together, he is a fucking dick, and OW can have him.
Im not the one wondering if he is cheating on me because let’s face it, if you don’t have trust you have nothing, and there must be one sliver of doubt in their minds, they know what each other is capable of and if both of them can cheat on people who have been in their lives for a significant length of time, and have a history with they can cheat again.

Don’t think too much into the future, just concentrate on the next minute, then the next 5 minutes and so on.

One day, you will realise it’s starting to get that little bit easier.

i wish you well, it’s a horrible road you’re travelling , but you will get there.

Thank you for the update. You sound strong to me, there is strength in honesty. One day at a time.

And damn, can you write! Honestly, I work daily with writers, and you have a real skill. Please, keep writing (not necessarily here, for us), I really think it could help you.

I want so much to tell ALL you ladies who have encountered utterly horrible, cowardly, low-life scum men......how brave I think you all are.

Honestly..... reading ALL your narratives, your strength, your ability to fight through the pain, your self awareness and self esteem....blows me away! ...you are ALL flipping awesome

Huge huge huge respect to each of you .....and my love 💛💜💛

Hi Op - been reading from the start but not posted before. I don't know you BUT I AM PROUD OF YOU for smashing the meeting! I felt my heart lifting when I read how terrified you were, but you faced your fears and went for it anyway AND DID IT. I know that you feel destroyed, but you're really not - and this proves it. I can thoroughly recommend Biotin for hair loss - mine comes out in handfuls, well it did, but I started taking it, cheap as chips on Amazon.

It's never happened to me, but your story resonates so strongly with what happened to a friend over 10 years ago - she too was floored by his betrayal (with a younger woman with two young kids) his were grown and had flown the nest. My lovely colleague dragged herself to work every day, weightloss and hair loss notwithstanding, and as I predicted once the dust had settled new woman quickly lost her allure when he moved in with her and two young kids and he came crawling back.

You have had so much advice on this thread and I don't feel qualified to add to it, however your strength of character shines through all your posts, and WHATEVER the outcome, you will still be standing, bigger and badder than ever and I send you much love and support in your journey. Keep posting so your ARMY of loving and supportive MN cheerleaders can hold your hand and prop you up until you reach the finish line.

Oh and she didn't have him back, she did however meet a lovely new man and they have been together happily ever since

Well done for posting OP. I think you did brilliantly going to the meeting and holding it together, that took real strength.

I don’t think you should let him come and go in the house as he pleases. Of course it is still his house but it is no longer his home and he doesn’t have the right to do this. Don’t allow him to do it. It’s like picking a scab. I know you want to see him, but it’s not doing you any good.

You are not being weak, you just haven’t got to the stage of finding your anger yet, but you will. My ExH kept telling me that he was going to finish with OW and I said I would be willing to talk if he was free, but he was not. In reality he wanted me to agree to take him back before he dumped OW but he never did making excuses all the time. After about 3 months, it dawned on me that he never would and I didn’t want him anyway. I moved forward that day.

For now keep taking it one day at a time. Have no contact with him - if he wants something from the house he needs to make an appointment and you can go out.

I know you’ve had some counselling and I think you should persevere with this. If you haven’t found the right counsellor try and find someone else I think it is what you need.

Keep posting here, we’re all here to support you and we know how you feel.

No, they don't come back, but you do.

My sister went through very similar 10 years ago.

Her husband suddenly announced he didn't want to be married any more. He'd met another woman but denied it, they were "just good friends", supposedly.

My sister was absolutely devastated. She couldn't eat, she looked ill. She was a shadow of herself for quite some time.

But, she put one foot in front of another and decided to fake it till she made it.

She chose to move out as she felt there were too many memories in their house.

She rented for a while until she worked out what she wanted to do next.

She tried to spend her free time doing things she couldn't have done with her ex, because he didn't like them or just got in the way e.g. reconnecting with old friends, including some she'd not seen for a long while, or things like going to look at some art - he'd never been up for going.

Bit by bit she started to come back to her old self. Faking it till she made it definitely worked for her.

10 years on, she's herself again. She's got a great life and she's met someone lovely who makes her happy. She's very much over her ex, she found her anger a while back.

Be kind to yourself, reach out to old friends. Do the things you couldn't do with him about. Give yourself time to grieve, but keep on putting one step in front of another and bit by bit you'll find yourself again, he will become less important to you, and you will move out of this awful phase of shock into healing and moving on.

It's a huge cliche but it's true, time really is a great healer.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I have read all your post on this thread, if you wrote a novel I would not be able to put it down, you write so well!

Be strong, you will get through this. You need to start getting out and doing things, get your DD to take you out. Go shopping, have a meal, go to the cinema. Join a book club or a wine club, something to get you out and socialising. Yes, it will be hard, but it will be worth it in the end, it gets you out of the house. Can you decorate something? Your bedroom say? You are living in a house you shared with him for many years which is full of memories. I know you will be listing the property at some point, but at the moment you have to live in it - so make some changes, it will help. Start boxing some of his belonging up and have them ready for the next time he 'pops in'. That will not be easy with you still wanting him back, but it will feel cleansing. And it might actually hit him what he has done if he see's you acting like the world can be OK without him in it.

Take care!

When my partner and father of our child had an affair with an older married woman, after the initial shock I told him ok, between the hours of 1 and 3 each day, each of us can do what we like and ask no questions. The result was he flipped into a pathological jealousy about me, and as she'd also introduced him to cocaine, this helped fuel a period of the most appalling domestic abuse for me, including extreme stalking and practical imprisonment. His reach went beyond the house as well. So yes, they can come back - with bells on.

In the end, the choice was he go to prison on 7 counts, or we get away. We got away, but it took nearly 2 years after that for it to finally die down.

This is an extreme example, OP, but you being independent and washing your hands of him will inevitably at some point make him regret. Walking down the street with a nice new guy is certain to make him stop and think. Almost worth hiring one just for the effect.

But really, your best bet is move on, don't look back, minimise damage to yourself and kids and security, and then who knows. My Ukrainian friend says they always come back, one way or another.

Rooting for you. Hope OW is stringing him along and has no intention of leaving husband. Just desserts and all that. I do think men will often ‘come back’ though in my experience it’s when you’ve turned the corner, and they’re responding to seeing you living your best life again. Hopefully when that happens you’ll be in a position to swat him away and strut off to the waiting arm of your new Adonis or indeed sisterhood. (Currently enjoying watching my SIL do just that in response to my grovelling dickhead DB). For now focus only on bringing the warmth back into your own life, little by little. You really are going to be okay!

I have been married forever and can't begin to imagine how this must feel. I couldn't just read and run so for what it's worth I'll add a few thoughts. There is far more to it than this man cruelly leaving you out of the blue. There is the fact being in a couple is all you've known for many years. It must feel like losing an arm & leg yet still having to walk. The feeling of suddenly realising the person you thought would be by your side forever is suddenly gone so it's like a huge bereavement. A whirlwind of confusion plus all kinds of understandable negative thoughts towards the other woman. If it's any consolation the relationship probably won't last & while she thinks she has won a prize deep down she won't be happy or content.

I gather from other women who have been through the same devastating & life changing scenario that eventually the hurt will be replaced by anger.Along with the anger will come a sense of survival with strength you never thought possible at the beginning. You will waken up one day and realise you are worth far more than this. When you are ready & if it's meant to be there will be someone else waiting for you in the wings offering you the love & respect you deserve.

Men who behave like this are weak & never truly happy regardless of who they end up with. Try to hold your head high. Do you really want a man back who has the capacity to treat you like this.

There are so many wonderful women (and men) going through the same scenario who will be there for you 24 hours a day. The feelings you have at the moment will pass. As my Grandmother used to say 'you have to believe it'

@Pleasenotme I have just read through your posts and you sound like an amazing woman. You are so eloquent - I am not but I'll try to express what I'm trying to say! I know it doesn't feel this way right now, and your pain is immense, but you ARE strong. You're doing it right now. Your posts read to me like you are getting stronger. Please don't take this in some sort of patronising or superficial way, but I can read the difference between the first posts and the last posts in this thread. It might only feel like a tiny amount, but it's there. It takes time - a previous poster said it's grief - it is.

A previous poster's suggestion of a journal is a good one, so you can see how you are getting stronger. At the start you couldn't go to the supermarket, and now you've not only done a commute (which we all know can be horrible) but had a challenging meeting and held it together. That's huge!

Please don't give the OP false hope about keeping her home. Even after my 30 year marriage broke down we had to sell the marital home (like the OP our children were independent and no longer living with us).
I moved into another house which was all mine and bore no trace of my ex. It was liberating.

When I was a teen mid/late '90s a friend of my Dad went into "fuck-up mode", bought a motorbike and left the family for another woman. He disappeared for about 6 months and then he returned and they seemed happy for about 20 odd years although he didn't seem particularly repentant on the outside and was always a bit domineering. The wife died a few years ago cancer with rapid onset. I have read that cancer has been linked to suppressed anger and I wonder about that sometimes.

Once you go through that psychological process of getting over the break up and come out the other side, you dont want them anymore - you are fundamentally changed and you cannot reverse that process and be the person you were before. You're brain has re-wired itself. Thats why part of you refuses to accept its real because you know once you start to emotionally withdraw from them and accept it, there is no going back. Its normal to resist this process at first but you cannot stay in this limbo mode waiting and hoping, waiting and hoping.

He has already got a head start on you OP but he's deluded and ego and vanity are driving his actions. Nothing you can do about it. He's on a different trajectory to you now.

Years ago when a relationship ended, I gave myself permission to bawl everyday for an hour but that was it. Ok youve cried for an hour now cut it out I would say to myself. I made myself get on and do things. Its CBT - fake it til you make it. Stop focusing on him. Dont sit around crying all day. I know its easy to say but you have to start to retrain you brain now. Life has changed. Its brutal but you can and will do it. Just start. Dont think about it. As someone else said, put one foot in front of the other.

Dear OP

I really hope you will find your anger soon. It was the saddest thing to read despite everything, you feel happy to see him when he is collecting the post. Just because he is there. Please continue your therapy. As hard as I'm sure it is, you really need it- I did at some stage, and went through the feeling of dissociation like yourself and even had a Tescogate moment too- just not at Tesco's.
Therapy is very very needed, please don't stop going to it.

You are a fantastic writer, really and truly you are gifted to describe your deeper feelings. I would like to suggest you keep a diary, even to put together all your posts in a word document. You write like very few people do.

Last thing I do agree with others deep down you are still protecting your H and OW by not telling the OW's H what is going on. Its the clinging to a hope that he might regret what he did, realised it was a mistake and come back to you. I do think that making contact with OW's H you will be able to start from fresh, but you aren't ready yet as you are clinging to that hope. He also deserve to know.
Hoping you will at some stage see that even if that hope materialises you will never be happy living with someone who inflicted so much pain in such a cold way. He is spineless.

Sending you a big hug. I do really sympathise with you. Would really love to be able to do it real life. One step at the time, you will get though this xx

PS. English is not my first language so hoping I didn't come across weird or harsh.