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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 21/09/2024 16:53

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
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9
Washingupdone · 23/10/2024 15:40

Pleasnotime congratulations in participating in the meeting today, I am so pleased for you. First big step back into the workforce.

I took the ex back and he repeated the same 10 years later after we had had another DD.

fossilgap · 23/10/2024 15:50

OnaBegonia · 23/10/2024 14:28

Am I the only one reading this and thinking OP would take him back tomorrow?
You need to find your anger towards this man, he's not this wonderful person, he's discarded you so easily after 35 years, how could you ever let him back?

Of course she would. Hence not rocking the boat

Secondstart1001 · 23/10/2024 15:50

Echoing @TheShellBeach the thread needs to be supportive of the ops decisions as it’s her life . Let’s celebrate the small wins which are actually the big wins right now.
@Pleasenotme it’s actually a real comfort for you to engage with us all as it felt so long since your last posts but understandable of course x

fossilgap · 23/10/2024 15:50

Also anti depressants take months to kick in.

TheShellBeach · 23/10/2024 15:58

@Pleasenotme I'm just echoing others who are encouraging you to ask for a different anti-depressant.

There are many available, and if your doctor can try you on a different one, you may find it beneficial.

Initial side-effects vary widely between patients.
And yes, they do take a couple of months to kick in.

BruFord · 23/10/2024 16:38

fossilgap · 23/10/2024 15:50

Also anti depressants take months to kick in.

@fossilgap I will say that for me, I started to feel better after three weeks. Not saying that they were fully effective, but they were starting to help.

InSearchOfMartin · 23/10/2024 16:41

It’s completely understandable that the combination of physical and emotional stress would leave you feeling knackered and it’s worth acknowledging to yourself the strength you showed in putting some slap on and making it to the meeting and leading with confidence, even when you're not feeling your best. Sometimes our work brain can surprise us by carrying us through difficult times, and we can compartmentalise but I hope you’re able to take some time to rest and care for yourself. You are worth it and you must put yourself first. Even though we all think your husband is a pillock (I dare anyone to disagree with me) do be kind to yourself and don't indulge in negative self talk @Pleasenotme. It really is all about you not him. I think you said you have a good supportive manager so I hope that is helping too.

Reallybadidea · 23/10/2024 16:59

Going into work for an important meeting is a massive step forward. Good for you.

I would encourage you to continue with the therapy even if it doesn't seem to be helping much at the moment. It might be worth trying a different therapist if you didn't click with the first one.

I think it's entirely reasonable for you to ask your ex to give you some notice of any intended visits, regardless of whether you are happy to see him or not. I think having some control over your interactions will make it a bit easier to deal with.

LetThereBeLove · 23/10/2024 17:19

fossilgap · 23/10/2024 15:50

Also anti depressants take months to kick in.

No they don't!

LetThereBeLove · 23/10/2024 17:20

TheShellBeach · 23/10/2024 15:58

@Pleasenotme I'm just echoing others who are encouraging you to ask for a different anti-depressant.

There are many available, and if your doctor can try you on a different one, you may find it beneficial.

Initial side-effects vary widely between patients.
And yes, they do take a couple of months to kick in.

No they don't. They may take two to three weeks but certainly not months.

LetThereBeLove · 23/10/2024 17:24

OP I also lost hair due to the stress of exH's lies and deceit, also after many years of marriage. I never wanted him back though and one day you will feel the same. Take care of yourself and know that we are all here for you.

Einkleinerwaschbar · 23/10/2024 18:01

This is going to be an essay because it is deeply personal to me having been through something very similar several years ago and my advice and reaction goes completely against most MN thinking. I had to go through the complete grief cycle to get to a point of acceptance before I could get ready to rise again. That took me many months.

@Zebracatis spot on. Regardless of whether it is for being alone or with someone else. You have to do a full 180 from the despair and despondence. Think of it as pushes and pulls. At the moment, crying and weeping and begging is pushing him away, Who wants to be with someone who is behaving like that? Simply put, it is not attractive. You are (whether he would admit it or not) in the way of his 'happiness', you are blocking his fantasy of skipping off carefree into the sunset. Get out and start living your best life, even if it feels fake to start with. Make yourself unavailable to him, too busy. Keeping busy has the added bonus that you don't have so much time to feel sorry for yourself.

There are no guarantees but, changing your behaviour is far more likely to make him curious, and want to understand what changed. He is coming and going from the house, checking on you (again, without having to recognise he is doing it), and if you are always there wallowing, he doesn't feel the shift and thinks he holds all the cards. By finding yourself and your power, you become a lot more interesting and far more likely to pull him back. IF YOU STILL WANT HIM BY THAT POINT. You may well decide you don't, but you will be in a much stronger position to look after yourself either way.

Now for a brief(ish) summary of my story.

I was that woman crying, weeping and begging, losing weight etc. It took me a LOT longer than 5 weeks to pick myself up, turn myself round and get going again. After that, I made new friends, tried out new activities until I found things that stuck for me. I bought clothes that fitted my new, substantially slimmer body, started going on holidays by myself, learning a new language, bought new furniture, rearranged things my way etc. The way my counsellor put it to me was to work on four things - body, mind, soul and spirit, and to do something for each, every single day. Some days, it felt completely insurmountable but, I ended up on a voyage of self discovery like I had never done before. One that I continue with even now.

My husband would be turning up at the house and be all surprised that I wasn't sitting waiting for him. After one such incident, I watched the realisation dawn that he no longer had any insight into my life and that I wasn't the person he believed me to be. He had thought I would always be sitting waiting, and he did not like it when I started moving away from him, not one little bit. He broke off his other relationship and begged my forgiveness. We are now back together after a year of complete separation and barely speaking followed by a year of dating for me to decide what I wanted. Ultimately, for me, it was still him, and I never felt I was playing 'pick me'. I have no regrets about my decision, precisely because it was mine to make by that point. It is a cliché but now he is the one working not to lose me again.

One note of caution, I got a lot of legal and financial advice along the way. Early on, I had decided that if he really wanted out of the marriage, he would have to take ownership of that process. I got told multiple times on MN that I was an idiot. Yet, all the solicitors I spoke with agreed that, in my individual circumstances, there was no financial imperative, so there was no pressure to do it myself. That will not apply to everyone, and protecting yourself has to come before anything else.

I have name changed for this and will do so again afterwards as every time I post fragments of my story, I get vicious personally attacking messages. If anyone reading this is tempted to do that, please don't waste your time.

forevernumb · 23/10/2024 18:16

Use some of your new strength to lay down some rules. He's not allowed in the house without prior arrangement. Take some of your power back.

Needtogiveamumit · 23/10/2024 18:29

My heart goes out for you so much I've just filled up reading your story it resonates with me so much I no there is no words I can say no action I could do to comfort you the only thing that never leaves never judges is time it shit but truly the only remedy so I'm asking my guardian angel to be with your

Bestyearever2024 · 23/10/2024 18:35

I guess one way of looking at this (for any of us, not just the OP) is to ask the question.... what do some men really like?

And some men really like what they can't have and that which is unknown, different and appealing because its tantalising and fresh

If we want our man back and we make ourselves all of the above, does he come back?

I guess some do, some don't

At that stage do we want him back and can we sustain this 'new' tantalising persona?

I guess some do and can.

I dont have any answers for anyone but me, however if getting our man back is critical, then it's worth a shot. Perhaps?

At the very least, we will need to find the energy to try to achieve this.....which will get us up and out and "fighting"

Anyway.....its a thought, isn't it?

PS....I still think the OWs husband should be told 😀

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 23/10/2024 18:40

You write with such poise and dignity, I think you are under estimating the strength you have.

To go into work and conduct that meeting was formidable, and frankly I am in awe of you.

Keep moving forward, one step, one inch at a time. There is no time limit on recovering from heartbreak and you need time to grieve.

But also, please do try to see the woman you are. The strength of character you have shines through.

OnaBegonia · 23/10/2024 18:49

@Einkleinerwaschbar
Did your DH have an affair? do you trust him? I don't think I could get past that and find the trust.

TheAverageJoanne · 23/10/2024 22:21

Thank you for the update OP. Things will get better. Well done for going to work for the meeting and facing your fear you did well, be proud of yourself.

Einkleinerwaschbar · 23/10/2024 23:13

OnaBegonia · 23/10/2024 18:49

@Einkleinerwaschbar
Did your DH have an affair? do you trust him? I don't think I could get past that and find the trust.

I don't want to derail this thread into my situation but yes and yes.

There is a lot of detail that I am leaving out, but in many ways, I know him better than he knows himself. That has allowed me to trust him again.

forevernumb · 24/10/2024 02:54

"I dont have any answers for anyone but me, however if getting our man back is critical, then it's worth a shot. Perhaps?"

Statements like this make my hair curl. Do people have no pride or self respect?

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 24/10/2024 04:20

Oh @Pleasenotme , your grief is so painful to read, in fact that seems to be what you’re going through, sheer grief.

grief is a process, and you’ll feel it on your own timetable. I hope you do find acceptance and move on with your life soon but please keep reaching out to wherever you find support.

You made a big step at work. Well done x

Trobealone · 24/10/2024 05:23

@Pleasenotme

I haven’t come across your threads until today, and I haven’t read them fully.

I just want to say that you are incredibly strong. You sound very in touch with your emotions and I fully respect your approach - to keep things drama free, not tell other OW’s husband.

When you say glacial - I do that’s the best approach. To not give anything away now : and start planning for your future and to screenshot, copy and gather all the evidence you need.

I had an emotional upheaval recently and it did cause me to lose weight, but I’ve balanced that now - and am playing sport that I haven’t done for years. I can’t tell you how great and focussed I feel after that, just that it helps enormously.

You - and your daughter - sound like amazing human beings. You ask - will he come back? He sounds like he has got himself into a ridiculous situation. When the reality sets in for him (and the OW) I think there a likelihood that he might.
What you need to do is get yourself in the position that you don’t want him back. You ARE strong and I think you can do this.

Thedogismybaby · 24/10/2024 05:42

Have you spoken to a lawyer? That would be my priority. You should be able to keep your home, despite this abandonment. And he should be made to support you financially, despite leaving. Sod telling the OW's DH. That should be low on your list. Get your ducks in order, look out for your own future. And I'm really sorry this happened. He will definitely regret it, they always do.

Sunshinedayscomeon · 24/10/2024 05:50

His distant and coldness, as shit as it. Is probably a front to hide the feelings of guilt and shame.

Surround yourself in people that care.

Keep a journal - it's helps to reflect on as well. Plus it's gets your feelings out if you don't want to do counselling.
Embrace the glimmers and small wins in life.
Give yourself a hug.

My friend sent me this "it won't always be this shit" and she was right.

Justsayit123 · 24/10/2024 06:24

You need to see a solicitor asap. You can’t hide from this. Dont fuck up your life because of him. Start picking yourself up

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