Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

[Pleasenotme]

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

Hi, although I appreciate you probably don't want to wade through my first thread and now this, there are reasons why I haven't told him, nor asked my DC to do so, or indeed anyone else. These are to do with my mental fragility, the very strident personality of the OW, and because I have no desire whatsoever to turn this into any more of a drama than it already is.

I have no doubt that in the fullness of time, her DH and I will have a conversation, but at the moment, and unless events occur that force the situation, that will be at a time and place of my choosing, not driven by an artificial deadline or because I think it will make me feel better by throwing light into the grubby little world of my H and the OW. I am sure it would for a brief and satisfactory instance, but it could be a Pyrrhic victory.

To all who have commented about being in when he collects mail etc, on the last two occasions he turned up I hadn't been expecting him but he 'called in' on his way to his sister's. He does have a right to do this as he is still paying, albeit reluctantly, half the mortgage and having taken legal advice, I can't change the locks in order to keep him out, nor would I actually want to really as it just smacks of contention and drama. And if I'm to be really honest, it was just lovely to see him even if I am nothing to him now.

@InSearchOfMartin - despite how wet and defeated I might appear on these threads, in normal times I'm a strong and independent woman who is well appraised of the qualities and shortcomings of my H. I definitely haven't been gas lit by him, he has always been such a good, kind man and loving man, which is why his total change of personality and approach to me is so astounding and hence why I am struggling so much to come to terms with it all. As I have written before, it is literally like he has been taken over by an alien.

I'm in the office today for a major meeting. It was such a massive effort to do my hair and put on some make up, simply exhausting, but it has made me feel a bit more human. However, I also realised that I've actually suffered quite a lot of hair loss and thinning over the last few weeks and it's in an obvious place so my scalp is showing through which I'm so self-conscious about. So not what I need at the moment. I'm tired now but was able to hold my own in the meeting during which I had to make some decisions that affect others in my wider team so at least my work brain is still functioning, even if my heart is broken.

Thank you again for all the many kindnesses shown to me on this thread. I simply can't adequately express my gratitude for the time so many of you have taken to support me and write from your own, often agonising, personal experiences. The kindness of strangers.

I've explained the reasons why and as they are deeply personal to me, I don't think it is fair to suggest I am playing any game. Yes, I DO want my H to come back but it is clear he has no intention of doing so, so there is no picking to be done on his part. Whether he stays with the OW long-term is another matter; she has two challenging small children so I can't imagine it will be a relationship without its difficulties.

That’s a huge step forward to go into the office and so pleased to hear that your work brain is still functioning. We are all with you every step of the way. I agree, don’t tell the other husband. That drama will unfold in time, or maybe the OW will decide your (D)H is not worth the drama and knock it all on the head eventually. Sending hugs.

Your integrity shines through OP. The only person responsible for telling the OWH is the OW. I agree you don’t need that drama.

I believe the man you know is behaving in this way because it makes it easier for him to do it to you. It sounds like he’s just switched off consideration and care for you. Sadly, for me that is a character flaw; not being able to do the right thing no matter what the consequences are for you. I do believe what you say about how he has been as a husband. Hopefully how he has now behaved will help you in your healing way down the line.

sending you lots of love 💕 this is my first post. You sound like you have true strength of character and you found your potency in the meeting if just for a short while. You still have it! You just proved it to yourself. Those whiles will get longer gradually over a lot of time but I’m glad you saw a glimpse today. Well done you!

he has always been such a good, kind man and loving man, which is why his total change of personality and approach to me is so astounding

When I was younger I sort of cheated on an ex and ended the relationship.

He was pretty devastated.

He was threatening to damage stuff where we lived and at one point implied he'd hurt himself. At times he was almost crying and saying things like that he couldn't cope with this etc

After we finished, he got upset/annoyed they I wasn't inviting him on a night out with friends - on two occasions - and turned up where we were going and hung around. Once he challenged me when I was making polite conversation with a band member who was performing at the venue. He essentially stalked me on two occasions and made scenes.

I was about 25 and have matured a lot since like most people do. I was probably a lot more selfish and lacking empathy than now, as would be the case for many people as they mature from young to older.

The point that I'm taking a long time to get to is; that I still never once said things to him like "you have no self respect".

I didn't personally insult him. I had some empathy that he was in pain and didnt want to make it worse or humiliate him. I didn't want to be cruel.

I listened to him the night I ended things, and stayed up all night trying to keep an eye on him in case he really did try to hurt himself (which he didn't, he's living in Edinburgh with his long term gf).

I was a 25 yr old ending a short ish relationship and I was still not as unnecessarily cruel and derogatory and lacking sympathy & empathy as your husband.

This is in indication of someone's character when they no longer want you & you are no longer of use to them.
A remotely decent person will not be cruel. They will keep their mouth shut.
A good person is a good person when someone is not of use or interest to them.
He is not.

It is extremely unlikely that this came out of nowhere.

But even if it did, his behaviour in a situation like this - when he doesn't want someone anymore, when he's discarded someone, when he's moved on ...... Is unnecessarily cruel/harsh and exceptionally lacking compassion. He didn't have to say something like that. He could have been cringing and embarrassed and thinking it, ....but he didn't have to say it.

Likewise he's turning up at your home and nog even giving you a heads up, even though he knows you're devastated.

(Your kids have gotten past what he's done rather snappily. I think you all have him on a pedestal and idealise him and pander to him).

I've been reading your threads from the beginning but I don't think I've posted before. I just wanted to say well done for coping with the work meeting, which is a huge thing. A few weeks ago, I don't think you could have managed that. Take heart from small victories like that. You will get through this, however impossible it seems.

Well done for getting ready, attending the meeting and making decisions. I'm so pleased it helped you feel more human.
Sending support your way and just hoping for you to come to terms with this huge unexpected and unwanted change.
Thank you for your update, please look after yourself, eat, sleep, exercise, fresh air, and keep expressing your feelings verbal and written. Thinking of you x

Oh and just for the general record, I can't imagine him staying in a situation with two very challenging very young kids.

That's if the ow even leaves her h. One wonders why she hasn't to date

But even if it goes tits up ...it seems like he wants out. Seems like he's checked out and would prefer to be single or available to meet someone else. If it's not her, it may well be someone else.

Thank you so much @Doggielove (great username) - you are very thoughtful and your message has deeply touched me.

🥰🥰🥰 you have touched me too with that reply. I’m honoured. We are here for you 💪

my only other post was on a dog one so I made the name up quickly…your my first proper post! I wanted to post to honor your brave honesty. Just wallow, dont push, it will come In time 🥰🥰 small changes in acceptance will start to take you by surprise 🥰🥰🥰

Thank you, @SophiaCohle - I didn't think I would be able to either as I was terrified that I might break down during the meeting, so much so that I nearly told my boss that I was unwell and couldn't make it. But doing that would have left her badly in the lurch so I gritted my teeth. A couple of people commented to me that I had lost weight, but in a complimentary fashion rather than a concerned one, and indeed I won't deny it was pleasing to get into a dress I've always loved but had left in the wardrobe for many years in the area reserved for 'clothes I will wear again when I'm no longer plump'. I did find the journey in via train and the crowds difficult to deal with as I had sort of closed myself off from all that, and it was a shock to see SO many people. How small our worlds can become when we are unhappy.

It doesn't make sense that op would be reluctant to tell ow's husband as part of a pick me dance. If she told him there would probably be a huge blow up, any plans to move in together would then be rushed through. The resulting chaos with the outraged husband and disruption of already challenging children is hardly conducive to a warm and cozy love nest. I can't think of a better way of stressing their relationship.

@Pleasenotme I don't think you are wet, and I doubt many other posters do. Defeated, no you aren't. You feel like it, but eventually you will rise up from all of this, really you will. It's still very early days. I worry you prioritise him instead of yourself though.

About telling the husband - one of my friends was engaged and due to get married a good few years ago now, before covid. The fiance suddenly started behaving in a weird way. She then got a phone call at work from a complete stranger who told her he had been home at lunchtime and caught his wife there with a strange man - you guessed it, her fiance. She felt destroyed and pretty much like you do now. I realise it isn't the same as your situation, they hadn't been together two thirds of a lifetime, married with a family, but it enabled her to make a decision and not be kept in the dark. She's now moved on, but it took her a long time. She's met someone else and is really happy with him, much more than with the cheating guy. He had a child with the OW and they are still together.

@Pleasenotme bravo! You didn’t want to leave your colleague in the lurch so you gritted your teeth and got through it - brilliant! A huge step forward, and the small pleasure of the dress that fits again, getting through the crowds, not breaking down, these are all big things after such a seismic life shock.

That is true. @Pleasenotme you did brilliantly.

Am I the only one reading this and thinking OP would take him back tomorrow?
You need to find your anger towards this man, he's not this wonderful person, he's discarded you so easily after 35 years, how could you ever let him back?

How small our worlds can become when we are unhappy.

I think that's true and I relate to it. But I think it's a process we have to go through and it can help you heal, which is difficult when the abrasiveness of normal daily life is buffeting against you. Eventually it will become a cocoon that you'll need to push your way back out of, but you'll know when you're ready for that. The important thing is not to berate yourself in the meantime for taking the time that you need. You sound like you have good instincts, so just trust them and you will get there.

The OP has indicated that she would take him back and that she likes his occasional visits to collect his post.

It's much too soon for her to find any anger. She's still reeling with the suddenness and cruelty of her ex's actions.

The anger will come, but not yet. Give her time. She has to do this her way.

@TheShellBeach
My concern was that if he turns up and asks to come back and OP says yes, she's then setting herself in for a life of worry and mistreatment.
Better to be angry and know it'll always be a no to coming back,

Well done OP, really good to see you did well in a work meeting. It is a long long road and you will get there.

For the hair thinning, get some rosemary oil and rub it into your scalp a few hours before washing your hair

You may think that, but it's the OP who has to make the decision.

It's only been a few weeks. The OP needs more time to figure things out and it will not help her if she is not supported on her thread.

OP, have you told all your mutual friends? I would tell any friend or family member that might show you kindness. The main reason to do it is that you need the support of your community, but it will also set people off telling him what an idiot he's been and that's no bad thing. Shine a light on the darkness.

Thank you for understanding @TheShellBeach , you are very insightful.

@Pleasenotme Just my opinion, but I'm concerned that you've stopped taking the AD's, because it sounds as though you need them right now. Your doctor could try something else - Sertraline wasn't a good fit for me, but a low dose of Escitalopram was much more effective. Just a thought.

@Pleasenotme I know it’s not a health and beauty thread but 3 drops of rosemary oil mixed in with coconut oil, massage into your scalp at least twice a week and leave for a few hours. It’s smells lovely and I lost a lot of hair before my divorce and it will help you!
well done for getting into the office as well and I think your prob looked better than your perceived yourself to. I can send you a pm
with the products I used to get my hair back plus the scalp massaging brush! Sorry if this irrelevant but self care is important and you are important!