Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

[Pleasenotme]

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

No one is disappointed in you, his indifference towards you is hard to hear about, it's so hurtful. I had a feeling no news was not actually good news but you were just struggling with it all. Would agree with others and think I suggested it already, don't give him any reason to find you pathetic, be out each and every time when he comes round even if it's Sainsbury's car park reading your kindle. He probably feels he could walk right back in if he so wanted (I know he could) but if he gets a sense that he couldn't maybe he would question his choices.
I have got back together with 2 people by playing the game and one I am still married to 17 years later, the other ran it's course a decade later.

@Pleasenotme

I've had some counselling but its impact on me has been negligible.

Please, please continue with counseling. Counseling isn't a bandaid that gets put on a wound. It is a surgery that cuts out the poison. And that takes time, months in fact. It's a slow process of getting all that emotional 'poison' out, examining it bit by bit, and then getting the 'tools' to pick and choose what gets tossed out and what gets put back into your head, but it the right place. It's hard work and painful, but it is so so so worth it in the end. You will come out stronger and wiser. And you will find your happy new life.

We all know what it is like when any kind of contact no matter how poisonous is better than nothing. It is to be expected after so many years of marriage.

I know several women who have got divorced against their wishes and have never got over it. They have let the divorce ruin the rest of their lives. Usually this is the case when they were so utterly dependent on their husbands. Sometimes we have to accept that shit things happen but it's a new and different chapter in your life. You have to value yourself.

In my opinion it's too early for counselling - that comes later.

You have to try give this energy into wanting him back into wanting yourself.
@thiscantbemylife has good advice. You are the important person, not him.

I agree with PP's that he can jolly well redirect his post and I'd suggest asking one of your children to ask him to do this. They can tell him that he's upsetting their Mum by turning up and he needs to stop. It's not particularly expensive to do and he can have some consideration for other people.

Good advice.

No one should allow any other individual to have so much power over them that life doesn't seem worth living if the other leaves. It sucks but it doesn't have to be the end of the world. Good luck, OP.

@Pleasenotme I think you are incredibly brave. You are clearly in a great amount of pain and distress yet here you still are, even taking the time to read this and think of others, the ones asking how you are. You are searingly honest about your feelings and there is nothing wrong with truth. Nothing. You love this man, he has abandoned you and you want him back. What kind of a wife would you be who didn’t care? Of course you still love him and still want him back. It’s perfectly understandable and no matter how he has treated you it makes total sense given the shock and trauma of his betrayal. There is absolutely no shame in any of this, only his shameful behaviour. You don’t ‘need’ to find your inner Boudicca yet, she’s still there, she just knows that at present you are deeply shocked and wounded and need a while to sit with and grieve the pain of the loss. She is present in the small things you manage to do at present. You just need to survive at present, that is all. You are a courageous woman loved by many who need you. If you can’t see the point of your own survival, then survive for them. Be present for them and let them love and comfort you.
Surviving is hard and painful and no way to live, granted. But you are in shock, deeply depressed and grieving. Managing each hour of each day is difficult at present, so every time you manage to get a shower or get yourself a cuppa or achieve anything, no matter small, that is where Boudicca is. Her rage and strength will come out soon enough.
Surviving leads to thriving, be kind and gentle to yourself and take tiny steps at present. Your courage outshines his with every word you write.

I was on your other thread, and just want to pop in and say how good it is to see you're still putting one foot in front of the other and getting through your days.

It's natural to feel you're falling apart, to feel the fear of a public breakdown - but you're still standing, and every day brings you closer to the end of the darkness and into the light

It is not clear that the OW is actually the other woman. They are not together.

Hi, @Ifoughthefight - the OW is indeed the OW but she is still with her DH at the moment who does not know about my H and her.

Do you know something @Ifoughthefight ? It's a very odd comment to make.

Aside from that, OP the grief is as real as if he had died. And the worst thing is that had he died you'd have the comfort of knowing he'd loved you to the end, instead you get this awful grief that has no closure, no funeral. No shared grief, you're just alone with the why? Why her? What did I do wrong? It clewed heartbreak because it's palpable your heart has been shattered.

It will get better, but not as fast as you'd wish. There will be more hard times, but you are gaining strength, keep living for the children if that's what you need to do right now. If you don't want take drugs to get through, don't take them (I hated ADs too and realised I wasn't depressed I was grieving, I wanted the doctor to give me something to take the pain away, but there was no medication that could do it for me either. If you change your mind, that's ok too. Do what you need to get through each day.

I imagine you've dropped a lot of weight, you need to eat, try to eat something, even if it's cake, you need energy to keep on keeping on.

My heart goes out to you. It was the help of a board like this that got me through the worst times. You can mope, vent, wallow- we won't judge you. We just want to know you are ok and help however we can. We don't need updates unless you want to, or need to.

Keep on keeping on.

Yes they are! They're having a relationship.
Don't make comments like this without RTFT.

Hi OP, glad to hear from you.
Don't be hard on yourself, you are still processing such a massive shock and change to your life. Please look after yourself

I wish you could stop loving him and I think you let him in because you hope he says he is back.
Its hard to see how much he has hurt you and you still love him but I think that is because you know nothing else. Please dont let him in your home any more put the chain on at all times and if he knocks just ignore. Are you seeing a solicitor if so take their advice on this. If you haven't got one then get one straight away.
I hope you get some strength and see him as the rest of us do.

I'm going to tell you the very trite, but ultimately deeply reasonable thing my mum told me after the breakdown of my first marriage. I remember sob-laughing at the time because it sounded so corny but I have come back to it again and again over the years:

NO MAN IS WORTH YOUR TEARS. AND THE ONE WHO IS WON'T MAKE YOU CRY.

I just ask you to sit with that for a bit and see if it makes you feel anything.

We've got you.

I would definitely be telling her husband. And going back to the GP and asking for a prozac style antidepressant.

When thelovefmylife left me, pregnant and heartbroken, my DM sniffed and said he’s not at all healthy, won’t make old bones. I was horrified, but when I told my best friend and she roared with laughter, a little something shifted in me. It was the first intimation I might feel better one day.

Sorry to hear that you're finding this so hard, but hang in there and things will get better. Do stay in close contact with your GP, eat and keep warm. I think the advice to avoid him when he comes to the house is good advice and you should follow it.

Your husband does not sound like a nice person at all.

I am guessing that your children who are staying in contact with him have not actually forgiven him, or accepted the situation. Most kids would have no qualms about ripping their dad a new arsehole for dumping their mum. Are they afraid to risk his ire? It sounds like he wields an uneven amount of power over you all.

You have experienced a massive shock. A seismic change in your life. Five weeks is not long enough to come to terms with it.
The only thing that will help you, in the long term is time.
All through your posts your true character shines through.
I am sure, that eventually, you will be able to find a way to cope with this loss and to discover that your life is meaningful again.

A word of warning don’t alienate your children if they want to keep a semblance of normality going in their relationship with their dad.

You don’t want to lose him and they feel the same. Maybe one day you will love again but they can never replace their dad.

It will be painful for your children to see you suffering, be aware of this when you are with them, for your own sake.

Are you still managing to cope at work? If you can work it will help you start to feel a normal pulse of life again eventually.

It’s going to take time to be able to process and accept all that has happened to you, so suddenly.

All the awful old cliches do ring true in these situations, “ a day at a time” “small steps” “Rome wasn’t built…” “ slow and steady wins the race” etc, etc

You will win the race in the final analysis.

Keep posting. We are all on your side.

I really think you should tell him

Or ask a friend or your youngest DD to tell him

It's just so unfair that he doesn't know, poor bastard

I understand that you want your husband back and you're scared to rock the boat in case it puts him off coming back to you, I get that.....but that poor man not knowing about his wife's affair.....its almost unbelievable

Without meaning to be mean OP, I think you've had rose tinted glasses about your husband. Someone upthread mentioned the power he seems to have - if you look at this, when you feel better able to, you might be able to identify some things that were far from perfect that you are now looking back in a golden haze.

I think he sounds an absolutely terrible person who thinks he has you like a puppet on a string. I would let that make you angry and determined to be your own person. He's not a good person. It's difficult to imagine that someone could have worn a mask and gaslit you for 35 years, but people don't suddenly change. There's bound to be instances there when you look for them. I think he has been manipulating you for years and you've not recognised the fact.

While it's possible that he has undergone a sudden change in personality, I don't think he has. It looks like the pattern of behaviour he's showing is just like tactics of a gaslighter. Gaslighting is insidious abuse, and it can take years for victims to recognise it. Have you been a boiled frog OP and not realised it?

Sorry to agree
you need to find a mate to give you some tough love
try and start seeing him as the shit he is. He lied. Thats it.

YOU ARE ACTUALLY KIDDING????

fuxake phone the bloke

This. If I was him, I'd want to know, and I'd be angry if I found out people knew and didn't tell me.

Your husband is not coming back. Even IF he tried to, you cannot possibly have him back after what he has put and is putting you through. Rock his and OWs boat and find a way to tell the OWH - whether that's you, or through someone you trust.

You’re not telling him because you’re still playing the Pick me game and want your husband to come back. You need to move on from that.