I will never be needy but husband struggling with this

[swiftandquick67]

Me and H have been together for 25 yrs married for 20. I met him when I was 28 and had only ever had one serious relationship before him. Since being a little girl I have always been very independent so found dating hard as didn't like the whole having to answer to someone else and check my plans etc with the person I was dating (this was the 90's) so was different to dating today. I met my husband and he was also pretty independent so we clicked - he did lots with his friends and I with mine.

I have never ever been a needy person (don't know if that is a good or bad thing!!!) I have never been one for lots of affection and I am not tactile. I have never needed hugs kisses or even words to make me feel loved. I have loads of friends as I have lived in several different cities and been to uni so am never or have never felt lonely, H has stayed in the same town all his life although he has traveled extensively. When we met as we both loved travel we did alot of travelling and life was great.

We got married and had children - all was good. We would perhaps kiss each other goodbye in the early days but life then got life got hectic when we had 2 kids under 2 and one of our children is autistic so was very hard when he was small. H couldn't cope well and basically stepped back from fatherhood and I did everything. He needed breaks away and I loved it when he went away I found it far easier bringing up 2 kids when he was away than when he was home. We split up briefly when kids were 6 and 5 and looking back it was the most stress free easiest time of all my married life!! He used to get cross because when he came back from trips away I would never greet him with a huge hug and smother him in kisses. I never once went away with my friends until my kids were teens as I don't think he would have coped and I couldn't risk leaving my kids with him in case he had a breakdown.

Kids are now teens and we are getting our life back a bit now and it is great most of the time BUT he gets cross because when he comes home from work - I don't show him any affection- he would like me to be waiting by the door for him - he is going away again next week as he has done twice a year and he is really really angry that I am letting him go because he says I should be begging him to stay home with me and I have booked a trip away with girlfriends in December and I shouldn't want to do this because I have him.

His argument is that when the kids were small he had to have his space or he would have ended up having a mental breakdown but now we should want to spend every waking moment together - so now he wants me to quit my hobbies and friends and shower him with affection and time to make him feel loved and wanted. He moans because I never text him during the day and all he needs is a heart emoji to make him feel special.

I do love him but he wanted to very little to do with me when the kids were small and I do resent him for this. I admit I am perhaps a relatively cold person (i call myself a realist!!) but I can't just become this soppy needy wife all of a sudden.

I don't need somebody by my side constantly and I am able to do everything without him which he can't understand, but I like doing stuff with him too but I am not needy and never will be.

I have friends who think it is really weird that I am married but still go out with girlfriends and that I allow my H to go away and they can't understand how I feel safe without a man to protect me when he is away but then I also have friends who have their own lives away from their marriages too.

I don't think my problem lies with H I think it is me and the fact I don't need companionship or intimacy - I am sure I would feel the same with anybody . Should I let him go?? I would really really miss him but I can't give him the affection that he craves from me.

There's so much to unpack in regard to his behaviour here. He does sound very self-centered. It also seems like he's managed to control you via the kids, now he needs to make sure he maintains control by limiting your social life as young kids aren't a factor anymore. No wonder you found it easier when he took time away. I don't think the problem is you - is he emotionally abusive in other ways?

Re the affection: presumably he knew you weren't too affectionate 25 years ago and he married you, so he doesn't get to change who you are now.

Doesn't sound like marriage is for you, OP. Most married people do expect some (or a lot, depending on a person) affection and companionship - otherwise what is the point of marriage, genuinely?

I know I'm independent so I've avoided living with a man for a while - cn always have a partner/boyfriend but not live together. Or in your case can divorce and stay friendly if you like doing something together occasionally without any expectation of intimacy. If he would go for that.

On the other hand he knew what you wre like over the years - so it's now his problem whether he wants to stay on these terms. He may be having a midlife crisis so wants romance all of a sudden - or it may e a preamble of leaving you as he's actually met someone and wants to manipulate you into dropping him (knowing that what he is demanding is not what you can give).

do love him but he wanted to very little to do with me when the kids were small and I do resent him for this. I admit I am perhaps a relatively cold person (i call myself a realist!!) but I can't just become this soppy needy wife all of a sudden.
I think you are absolutely correct about this. If he can't support you when you need support, then he doesn't get someone hanging onto your every word when the kids are a bit easier. It's a bit late now when you've done all the hard work of parenting for him to say ' Oh I was worried I'd have a breakdown'. He should have stepped up and done something about it at the time
I am quite similar in that I married at 30 and was very independent. I'm a bit of an introvert in that I like my own space and company. I'm not hugely affectionate either ( none of my family are, but neither is his family tbh). I love my DH but sometimes think I love being on my own so much I'm not sure what we'll say or do together once the kids have left home. I'm not sure what the answer is for me but I don't think your DH gets to dictate how you spend your time now you have you freedom after he swanned off for most of your marriage leaving you to solo parent two small children.

Do you actually love him or is it habit that you're with him? It would be fine if you didn't love him, he hasn't behaved in a very lovable way for a very long time.

It isn't you - it is him. You being super capable suited him being useless now he expects you to be a fawning wife? He didn't step up when he was needed by his wife and children.

He needs to get a grip, not you. You sound marvellous btw.

Don't change.

I'd have asked for a divorce the moment he walked away from fatherhood.

You are different people, and he is clearly another whiny manchild who runs away leaving you with your hands full, when things get hard.

Give yourself the peace you deserve.

@swiftandquick67 so he would up and off at least a couple of times a year for his sanity but god forbid if you want to do the same??? he is going away again imminently and thinks you should be cancelling your later trip to stay with him cos he is feeling a little unloved??? aw diddums!! honestly couldnt make up his shit!!

He really wants to have his cake and eat it, doesn’t he? How convenient that he opted out of the hard work of parenting young kids, and now that that’s passed he wants your undivided attention. The whole “I can’t believe you’re ok with me going away, you should want me to cancel to be with you” is utterly ridiculous, and if I heard it from a love-struck teenager I’d tell them to cop on, hearing it from a grown man is just pathetic. it also appears he’s trying to control you- I think very dimly of anyone who tries to control their partner spending time with friends.

Also, I find this I have friends who think it is really weird that I am married but still go out with girlfriends and that I allow my H to go away and they can't understand how I feel safe without a man to protect me when he is away to be strange. It’s perfectly reasonable and normal, and indeed healthy, to maintain friendships while in a relationship. And why would you need a man to protect you at all times? That’s just a bizarre attitude.

My god he sounds insufferable. Needy. Clingy. Controlling.
He wants you to quit your hobbies after he conveniently went awol when kids were small?

Your husband sounds like a controlling creep. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with him?

Btw I go away without DH often and always have. He does too. Who waits by the door for their husbands after 20 years together? He does indeed sound like a love struck teen.

Very strange behaviour on your husband's part. Is he scared you are pulling away about to dump him?

To be honest, I think my husband might have gone down this path if not checked. But I told him early on in our relationship it's a bad idea to make someone else the centre of your life. It puts a huge amount of unfair emotional pressure on them to have to be the thing that makes you happy. It's also incredibly boring to be with someone with no life of their own.

He took the point, and since then we have always made sure we lived our own lives to whatever degree was possible alongside work and children. It's definitely enhanced the life we spend together and worked well for our 37 years of marriage.

I'm amazed you think the problem is you, OP. Despite your laudable self-sufficiency, he's really done a number on you.

I agree with all the above; I'm just surprised you can't see it yourself! He's been incredibly lucky to have you all these years, because he didn't deserve you and he still doesn't. He sure as hell doesn't deserve the total personality transplant he hopes you will have in order to become the fawning appendage his ego now requires.

Boot him out. You'll thank yourself.

Oh OP
I would tell him to grow up and go fuck himself.
But if you want to be a bit nicer to see if it's possible he can see sense have you tried

"I need my friends, hobbies and time away for my mental health, like you needed your space"

"You effectively left me solo parenting and now expect me to fawn over your very existence, have you actually thought about how unattractive, needy and controlling you sound"

"It's still only about you isn't it, what you need, what you want"

"After your complete lack of support or attention for me for years you now think what? You deserve a red carpet existence for being what a man? Big man, owner of penis, where were you exactly being a man supporting your wife and family, protecting, loving, setting a good example when me and the kids needed you? I was the support, the strong one, the one here day in day out. You earn love and respect it isn't just handed over as a god given right because you have a golden knob"

This is the calm, nice version of what I would say.

It's NOT you OP do not believe it for a second.

Minus the love struck - he doesn’t do anything for her, he just wants her to be falling all over him and hanging off his every word even though if she were like that she’d have had a mental breakdown when he walked out on her and their kids. Op, the problem isn’t you. He resents that you’re capable but also won’t step up or be grateful for all he’s left for you to do. He wants his holidays and also for you to beg him not to and also for you to not get holidays as only he should want holidays. He wants you to let him have his space and also to never ask for anything. What you and your kids need is to tell him to fuck off with his controlling attitude and not to come back.

This sounds a lot like my long marriage which ended a couple of years ago. My exh was also very absent during our marriage, both physically and emotionally, and it was only once the kids approached the teenage years that he suddenly wanted to do things with us and spend his free time with us. By the we had obviously gotten used to life without much involvement with him and none of us felt the need to include someone who had excluded us for so long. It’s part resentment but also in part that our lives no linger had a gaping hole where he should have been, we had filled that along the years and inserting him would have felt unnatural.

None of our two kids have any contact with him since the divorce and neither say they miss him. I don’t miss him either because I had decades of getting used to the idea that I can’t count on him to be there for me so I forged a very self-sufficient life. Not because I am a cold hearted person but because he made himself very dispensable.

It isn’t needy to show that you love someone.

You say you do love him, what is it about him that you love? And does he know that? How would he know?

Of course you are resentful that he stepped back…. But then at the same time you thrived on it, doing it solo, your way.

Why wouldn’t you want to spend time with him in the same way that you also spend time with friends?

Would couples counselling help you discuss what’s going on and how you can make this work for both of you?

I am a lot like you, OP, and actually wish I had paid more attention to ‘the relationship’ as an entity in itself.

I think the independence probably suited him when you first met as he could also enjoy time with friends etc guilt free.

He has dictated how you spend your time since having children through being useless and ensuring you couldn't leave.

Now the kids are older he dislikes that you have returned to your independent ways and he has lost control so he's trying to manipulate/guilt trip you into changing.

I'd tell him to do one personally.

Totally agree with this, first constructive reply on the thread!
basically after the initial hit it's turned out that you feel loved from what he does, but he doesn't feel loved from what you do. He's told you what makes him feel loved, but you have felt unable to do this (and perhaps he's taken it in a "tough luck" kind of way) . Then because he feels unloved and possibly his mental health has been suffering, he's been acting out trying to get a spark another way, but what he's been doing has actually hurt your mental health and relationship, leading you to where you are today.
Sounds like lots of water under the bridge and lots to go over, but I agree that if you both want to make it work you need couples counselling to get communication going and unblock things, then at least you will have some strategies to not end up in negative patterns all the time.
Good luck!

It isn’t needy to show that you love someone.

No, it isn't. It is needy to stop them from going out with their friends, or insisting that you want to be stopped from going away too! Also people have different ways of showing affection. OP has shown it by taking care of the kids by herself.

He was awful to you and your children for years and years. Awful and selfish. No wonder you’re not compelled to pounce on him when he comes home, for years he was totally fucking pointless to family life. I’d end things. He can go seek whatever he needs elsewhere, as can you. Friends and hobbies sound much, much better than this selfish and demanding man.

Do you think you're autistic like your child? I only ask because it might be a reason your dh would accept.

I think he's being incredibly unreasonable and selfish. What was so very convenient for him in the midst of parenting young children is now some kind of issue? Pfft.

Totally agree with this.

I never once went away with my friends until my kids were teens.
Says the OP. But he did. So actually he is the one who didn't want to spend time with the family.