I will never be needy but husband struggling with this

[swiftandquick67]

Me and H have been together for 25 yrs married for 20. I met him when I was 28 and had only ever had one serious relationship before him. Since being a little girl I have always been very independent so found dating hard as didn't like the whole having to answer to someone else and check my plans etc with the person I was dating (this was the 90's) so was different to dating today. I met my husband and he was also pretty independent so we clicked - he did lots with his friends and I with mine.

I have never ever been a needy person (don't know if that is a good or bad thing!!!) I have never been one for lots of affection and I am not tactile. I have never needed hugs kisses or even words to make me feel loved. I have loads of friends as I have lived in several different cities and been to uni so am never or have never felt lonely, H has stayed in the same town all his life although he has traveled extensively. When we met as we both loved travel we did alot of travelling and life was great.

We got married and had children - all was good. We would perhaps kiss each other goodbye in the early days but life then got life got hectic when we had 2 kids under 2 and one of our children is autistic so was very hard when he was small. H couldn't cope well and basically stepped back from fatherhood and I did everything. He needed breaks away and I loved it when he went away I found it far easier bringing up 2 kids when he was away than when he was home. We split up briefly when kids were 6 and 5 and looking back it was the most stress free easiest time of all my married life!! He used to get cross because when he came back from trips away I would never greet him with a huge hug and smother him in kisses. I never once went away with my friends until my kids were teens as I don't think he would have coped and I couldn't risk leaving my kids with him in case he had a breakdown.

Kids are now teens and we are getting our life back a bit now and it is great most of the time BUT he gets cross because when he comes home from work - I don't show him any affection- he would like me to be waiting by the door for him - he is going away again next week as he has done twice a year and he is really really angry that I am letting him go because he says I should be begging him to stay home with me and I have booked a trip away with girlfriends in December and I shouldn't want to do this because I have him.

His argument is that when the kids were small he had to have his space or he would have ended up having a mental breakdown but now we should want to spend every waking moment together - so now he wants me to quit my hobbies and friends and shower him with affection and time to make him feel loved and wanted. He moans because I never text him during the day and all he needs is a heart emoji to make him feel special.

I do love him but he wanted to very little to do with me when the kids were small and I do resent him for this. I admit I am perhaps a relatively cold person (i call myself a realist!!) but I can't just become this soppy needy wife all of a sudden.

I don't need somebody by my side constantly and I am able to do everything without him which he can't understand, but I like doing stuff with him too but I am not needy and never will be.

I have friends who think it is really weird that I am married but still go out with girlfriends and that I allow my H to go away and they can't understand how I feel safe without a man to protect me when he is away but then I also have friends who have their own lives away from their marriages too.

I don't think my problem lies with H I think it is me and the fact I don't need companionship or intimacy - I am sure I would feel the same with anybody . Should I let him go?? I would really really miss him but I can't give him the affection that he craves from me.

Your children have got to the age where you finally have some freedom... why should you suddenly have to start parenting your husband who seems to be acting like a clingy toddler!!

Tell him to get a dog if he wants someone to jump all over him whenever he walks in the door!

Absolutely this. He was very happy to let you be a strong capable woman who ran the home and bought up the children when it suited him and now they’re grown he’s turned into a pathetic attention seeking whiney wet lettuce who is acts you to turn into a 50’s housewife waiting at the door wearing a pinny holding up a home cooked meal??

I would seriously be thinking about if I want uk spend the rest of my life with this needy clingy man.

I don't think this is that a helpful post.

Wanting an independent life as part of a couple is normal and very healthy.

And there is a whole back story of the OP not receiving much support from her husband here which forced her to be independent too.

I don't think that necessarily points to her being autistic?

He sounds absolutely stifling to be married to. He wants you to wait by the front door for him and send him heart emojis? When he didn't even do the bare minimum in supporting you when your children were small?

I very rarely say this but LTB. You are clearly not compatible and honestly he sounds like a self centred idiot.

It’s very difficult to suddenly start to show love towards someone who has spent years neglecting the relationship both with yourself and with the kids. At least for me the resentment was too deep for me to be able to just switch on affection and pretend they deserve it.

I also don’t think OP got it her way when she was left to bring up the kids, she just did what any decent parent would, rolled up her sleeves and got on with it. He didn’t give her any other option. It’s a bit unfair to say they both gained something from his actions, none of them did in the long run. Sure, he got to do whatever he wanted to do but the price he’s paying is that the closeness and trust in the relationship has gone and now he’s trying to guilt trip OP into being affectionate.

I can really relate to your post. I am very independent in relationships. I have my own friends, social life and enjoy weekend away with friends. An ideal partner for me has that too. I would never be at the door welcoming someone home as such. He is definitely unfair to try to change you when he knew what you were like. My ExH was jealous of my social life once the DC got a bit older which caused resentment.
What is unclear from your post is if you still have intimacy. I think that is an important part of a relationship and I know that can often reduce when you have DC particularly when one parent isn’t pulling their weight.

Noooo ! Don't tell him to get a dog. Like DCs there is a whole lot of daily grunt work involved which he will leave to OP and it's a convenient way to keep a DW tethered to the house once the DCs are older.

It's not you OP, it's him. Go to counselling if you want, but frankly the thought of spending the rest of my life with some grown ass man who ducked out of parenting and now expects soppy emoji's every day doesn't sound appealing.

You sound like the most amazing woman and your children are so blessed to have you.

Your husband is a selfish waster/loser/twatty man-child.

How on earth have you tolerated him?
How have you stomached sharing so many years with such a self absorbed twat.
He has been a shit husband and father and abandoned his children to you to rear.

Your children deserve so much better than this loser father whom has only ever thought of himself.

How can you love that?
Time to help him pack and get rid of him.
You deserve so much better than this selfish whining prat.

🤢🤮

There isn't a 'problem' with either of you, you're just different types of people. I'm like you OP in that I'm independent and not very tactile. I hate all the hand holding and PDA that some people need.

I think your DH is reaping what he sowed. He regularly abandoned you when the DCs were young, and when you needed him most, and now he thinks he's earned the right to have you fawning over him now the DC are older. Fuck that shit! My DH was also useless with the DCs. He'd regularly go golf for both weekend days, leaving me to do all childcare and housework. I too left for a while a few years back and it was the best year of my life.

Your DH sounds as though he's getting more needy as he's getting older. You need to consider if you want to be with someone like this. It is possible to have some love for someone but not want to be with them.

Selfish, uncaring, controlling. Wouldn't you be happier without him?

Well he's been abusing you for decades...

Do the freedom programme.

You need to have counselling through a domestic abuse practitioner so you can unpick his behaviours and identify what he does as abuse.

He doesn't love you.

He's a controlling man and you deserve your freedom.

No? I thought it was something to consider since autism appears to run in families.

IF she wants to stay in the relationship, IF autism plays into why she has never been "needy" emotionally, it might be he would stop criticising her for who she is IF it was the case and he accepted that.

She says she has never been particularly affectionate etc even prior to their marriage which doesn't necessarily mean anything, but might be.

In my second paragraph, I said he wasn't being reasonable and it's basically him reaping what he's sown.

He should stop criticising her full stop!!
Saying "if you explain you might be autistic & then he'll accept you" is just whack!

Nothing she is doing is odd or needs explaining.

TBH OP I wouldn't want to live with someone who didn't care to message me all day and then when I got home didn't seem bothered or interested in me either.

You keep saying how you're not 'needy' but that's completely different from not being bothered about companionship or intimacy (which you also say). Someone wanting companionship and intimacy isn't 'needy'. Wanting a kiss and cuddle and being tactile aren't 'needy'.

If you have a child with ASD then the chances are it has come from one of you - maybe that's what is causing your issues? Otherwise it sounds like you just want different things and it's just not really working for either of you.

If you were so happy when you split when the kids were 5 or 6 why did you get back together with him?

It's not needy to want affection. However it is bizarre that your H - who presumably knew what you were like before you married - now expects you to completely change your personality to suit his needs. And that's before you get into the opting-out of fatherhood.

It's a bit different to feel your partner isn't meeting your emotional wants/needs because they don't want to or don't feel it vs they don't work that way and never will.

Also different to feel your partner isn't meeting them out of resentment. Resentment is a killer.

Bloke's a dick because he was fine with how they fitted together up when it suited him, and now he's all hoist on his own petard.

Depends what op wants to do, I guess.

When my first husband ran off with my friend (who was wealthy) leaving me with 3 small children, and not paying any maintenance for 6 years, I went to Relate to try to cope. They told me I clearly should have been more needy and less capable for him. I walked out.

You can't be someone you're not, and shouldn't be expected to be.

I guess I don't like this idea that this situation is somehow the OP's "fault" when her H has treated her badly throughout their marriage really by leaving her to get on with things while he stepped right back.

He is the problem here.

It's all about him and his needs and wants isn't it? He ducked out when it suited him but now he wants you to be all over him? No wonder you resent him!

Has this relationship perhaps run its course?

Crikey, it's all about him isn't it?
I want this and I want that.
Not sure why someone who sounds pretty put together like you do, would be in love with someone like this.
You should have divorced him when he chose not to step up and be a parent.

@GogAndMagog 🙌🙌🙌
very well said … spot on 👏👏👏

100% this!

Sorry, I mean 100% this!

Oh agreed, he is the one moving the goalposts in the relationship.

I'm not suggesting op is at fault in any way (or certainly not my intention). She has been consistent throughout.

Ugh, I also had a crap experience with Relate. Wouldn't advise anyone use their service.