I will never be needy but husband struggling with this

[swiftandquick67]

Me and H have been together for 25 yrs married for 20. I met him when I was 28 and had only ever had one serious relationship before him. Since being a little girl I have always been very independent so found dating hard as didn't like the whole having to answer to someone else and check my plans etc with the person I was dating (this was the 90's) so was different to dating today. I met my husband and he was also pretty independent so we clicked - he did lots with his friends and I with mine.

I have never ever been a needy person (don't know if that is a good or bad thing!!!) I have never been one for lots of affection and I am not tactile. I have never needed hugs kisses or even words to make me feel loved. I have loads of friends as I have lived in several different cities and been to uni so am never or have never felt lonely, H has stayed in the same town all his life although he has traveled extensively. When we met as we both loved travel we did alot of travelling and life was great.

We got married and had children - all was good. We would perhaps kiss each other goodbye in the early days but life then got life got hectic when we had 2 kids under 2 and one of our children is autistic so was very hard when he was small. H couldn't cope well and basically stepped back from fatherhood and I did everything. He needed breaks away and I loved it when he went away I found it far easier bringing up 2 kids when he was away than when he was home. We split up briefly when kids were 6 and 5 and looking back it was the most stress free easiest time of all my married life!! He used to get cross because when he came back from trips away I would never greet him with a huge hug and smother him in kisses. I never once went away with my friends until my kids were teens as I don't think he would have coped and I couldn't risk leaving my kids with him in case he had a breakdown.

Kids are now teens and we are getting our life back a bit now and it is great most of the time BUT he gets cross because when he comes home from work - I don't show him any affection- he would like me to be waiting by the door for him - he is going away again next week as he has done twice a year and he is really really angry that I am letting him go because he says I should be begging him to stay home with me and I have booked a trip away with girlfriends in December and I shouldn't want to do this because I have him.

His argument is that when the kids were small he had to have his space or he would have ended up having a mental breakdown but now we should want to spend every waking moment together - so now he wants me to quit my hobbies and friends and shower him with affection and time to make him feel loved and wanted. He moans because I never text him during the day and all he needs is a heart emoji to make him feel special.

I do love him but he wanted to very little to do with me when the kids were small and I do resent him for this. I admit I am perhaps a relatively cold person (i call myself a realist!!) but I can't just become this soppy needy wife all of a sudden.

I don't need somebody by my side constantly and I am able to do everything without him which he can't understand, but I like doing stuff with him too but I am not needy and never will be.

I have friends who think it is really weird that I am married but still go out with girlfriends and that I allow my H to go away and they can't understand how I feel safe without a man to protect me when he is away but then I also have friends who have their own lives away from their marriages too.

I don't think my problem lies with H I think it is me and the fact I don't need companionship or intimacy - I am sure I would feel the same with anybody . Should I let him go?? I would really really miss him but I can't give him the affection that he craves from me.

Omg he sounds absolutely stifling. And controlling. He doesn’t want you to have hobbies or friends? Massive massive red flag. He wants you to spend all your time with him? Just no!

OP I am exactly like you, I need my other outlets - my friends, my hobbies, my time to myself. Then I’ll chat to my husband about what I’ve been up to. It would do my head in to be with him 24/7, to me that is not what life is about. It’s about enjoying a range of experiences.

I don’t see the point in texting him during the day unless it’s about what we’ll have for dinner for example. If I sent him heart emojis he’d think I was losing my senses! If I waited by the door to kiss him when he got in he’d know it wasn’t natural. Affection should be spontaneous and reflect how you feel at the time, not some routine you have to follow!

I’d suggest couples counselling as you’re clearly not on the same page. But he needs to let you be you, and not want to change you.

No.
Stop making excuses for him! Read the OP's posts

Why do so many people always take the man's side in these situations? It happens over and again on here!

He is deservedly getting a rough time on here because he stepped back from parenting in the difficult years and left the OP to it then criticises her for wanting some fun times with friends etc
And for not prioritising him above all else!

Seriously!

Yes, a marriage needs affection, but the Op's DH married her knowing who she is and was happy for her to be practically a lone parent for years. You don't get to have your own way for 20 years then say I now need you to be a different person for me.
Maybe he's finally worked out he's been a pretty crap DH and DF, that he's the outsider in the family and he's trying to weedle his way back in.

"I don't think my problem lies with H I think it is me and the fact I don't need companionship or intimacy - I am sure I would feel the same with anybody . Should I let him go?? I would really really miss him but I can't give him the affection that he craves from me."

Let's put this one to bed right from the off - THE PROBLEM DOES NOT LIE WITH YOU, THE PROBLEM LIES WITH YOUR HUSBAND.

"His argument is that when the kids were small he had to have his space or he would have ended up having a mental breakdown but now we should want to spend every waking moment together - so now he wants me to quit my hobbies and friends and shower him with affection and time to make him feel loved and wanted. He moans because I never text him during the day and all he needs is a heart emoji to make him feel special."

He is one selfish fucker! It's all about him - his needs, his 'space', his mental health. Nothing about your needs, in particular your mental health shouldering his responsibilities as well as your own because he abdicated all of his responsibilities.

Does he even see you as a person in your own right?

Did he think you existed purely to raise his children, and that you should not spend one second of your life on anything else? Not one second maintaining the friendships (which undoubtedly maintained your mental health during his abdication) and interests? And now that raising the children is less time-consuming, he again thinks you should spend not one second of your life on anything other than him? Selfish, selfish fucker!

Of course you "can't just become this soppy needy wife all of a sudden". That was never possible, and that is OK. What is wrong is his demand that you do. He created this situation. He "wanted to very little to do with [you] when the kids were small" and now he "can't understand" that you are "able to do everything without him" - when he made sure you HAD to be able to do everything without him because he CHOSE not to be there!

"I have friends who think it is really weird that I am married but still go out with girlfriends and that I allow my H to go away and they can't understand how I feel safe without a man to protect me when he is away but then I also have friends who have their own lives away from their marriages too."
Your friends are just weird 1950s throwbacks - no, strike that, my mother and grandmothers would have looked askance at those attitudes too. But they're making you doubt yourself, aren't they? Please just ignore these particular friends, leave them to their tiny insular way of living, and continue going out with your girlfriends. I suspect your friendships with the women you go out with have sustained you through the years and prevented you from becoming the shell of yourself your husband would seem to prefer.

Personally, I would be standing back and reassessing my husband and my marriage - not just as they are right now, but as they have been from the start. Raising your children has, I suspect, distracted you from some of his less obvious fuckery. You mention the biggies (the lack of parenting, the absenting himself completely) but I reckon all the little red flags have been there all along too. The demands to be the Big I Am and for you to fulfil the role of Little Woman. And I'd be getting my ducks in a row to leave, because he absolutely sounds like the type of man to abandon his capable and fully human wife in favour of a simpering fool who'd "be begging him to stay home with [her]". He is that selfish a fucker.

A few questions …

Did he really tell you that he wanted you to drop your hobbies and interests to spend more time with him op, or is that your interpretation of what he said?

You don’t have to answer here but how is your sex life op? Is all of this meeting him at the door stuff after being together so long really about him wanting more sex? And you’ve either misinterpreted it or he is not being straightforward in the way he is expressing it?

Personally I would make him aware that he was very lucky to have a woman who was independent and confident enough to take care of the parenting when the dc were very young, while he failed in his responsibilities!

Love is not all about outward affection and meeting your dh at the garden gate. It’s about hard graft and supporting each other tthrough the hard times. That was your interpretation of it op, which was equally, if not more, valid than his!

And you need someone who appreciates you for who you are op!

I think you both need some marriage counselling. Also, to determine whether you, he or both of you are autistic?

There are several choices here:

He can say that you are too lacking in affection for him and agree to part.

Or he can accept and appreciate your differences and stay together and love one another despite them.

What he can’t do is decide to stay but constantly try and change who you are!

"It also seems like he's managed to control you via the kids, now he needs to make sure he maintains control by limiting your social life as young kids aren't a factor anymore."

This is a very good point. Not just a selfish fucker, but a controlling one too.

In my opinion, everyone needs their own life with friends, hobbies etc away from the marriage. It's vital. No competent woman should be saying to her husband "don't go away, because I need you at home to protect me", FFS.

OP, you sound fabulous. You have looked after your kids, and now you deserve a bit of time to live your own life. Your husband just sounds selfish - why on earth does he think everything has to revolve around him?

In answer to your question @swiftandquick67 'should I let him go?'
Yes, yes you should. Divorce him, live your life on your terms. You will be so much happier 🌼

When we split when kids were little we almost went to counselling but he doesn't like the idea of talking to strangers as our life is none of their business. The reason we got back together was because there would have been no way he would have seen the children and he was considering moving abroad if the split was permanent and kids would never have seen him and I decided that they needed their dad and that in later life they would blame me for them not having a relationship with them. Despite his failing as a father my oldest is very close to her dad now but my youngest wants nothing to do with him.

I have suggested counselling again recently but he still won't entertain the idea.

Time to focus on what YOU want OP. I think you know the answer quite honestly but if you don't, it is absolutely fine to put yourself first. You don't have to want to keep the relationship.

Exactly this. He's taking the p*.

I'm like you, but never got married and just had DD alone. The autism thing is interesting. DD is autistic and very much if you are out of sight you are out of mind she is very happy to carry on alone.
I'm not diagnosed and don't think I am but do have some traits and also have plenty of family members with more severe traits and I love being on my own. Have no need for others to make me feel complete - whether that's an autistic trait or not I don't know and I don't think it's negative if it is.

Neediness like that repulses me. I would have a chat with him, maybe he needs a dog to take care of now the children are older who will give him undivided attention.

Gosh this gets worse! He was honestly going to emigrate and never see them again?!

Would your oldest DC blame you if you permanently split up now? Would your DH make the same threat again to move away and not see the kids?

If he would, I would still separate as his behaviours are so entitled as if he is owed your affection, despite him completely withdrawing from family life when your children were young.

I have to say that I am surprised that by now your DH doesn't really know who you are OP, that you aren't a demonstrative woman, that you are independent and get on with things very well on your own (which is a great attribute to have!). Seems like he has only just realised it!

My DP and I are both independent sorts and he goes away quite often with friends. I am totally fine with it and like doing my own thing whilst he is away. He doesn't expect me to be waiting by the door when he arrives home!

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP, this isn't new behaviour on your part, it's who you are and shouldn't be an unknown thing to your DH. He is, imo, being self-centered and yes, needy. I think counselling would be good but if he won't then there's not so many options.

After reading your update OP he really is a selfish prick. It’s all about HIM and he has no empathy for you and the children as long as he gets what suits him. Honestly you have a lot of years left, do you really want to spend them with this whiney needy selfish twat?

There is absolutely no way I would stay with this price or even bother suggesting counselling again. The minute he says he can't be bothered to make the effort to see his own children is the mi use he doesn't waste your time either. You say you were happiest when you split. The kids are old enough to realise that he can make the effort to see them but chooses not to. Just tell him to do one. You only have one life, and presumably from your posts you must be over halfway through it. Spend it enjoying your solitude, your children and your travels. What do you see if you stay together for another 5/10 years?

So he fucked off when you needed him? You only got back together otherwise he would have fucked right off abroad abandoning his children?
Now he wondering why you don’t show him any affection or hang on his every word? Mmmm it’s a tough one.

I am like you in the sense I do love my dh but don't need the endless texts or living in each others pockets .
I love time to myself and my hobbies/interest.
And I encourage him to have his own.
He must know by now this is who you are. And your resentment from earlier in your relationship is justified. I don't think you need to change I think he needs to adjust his expectations

It really is all about him isn’t it?

So he left you and his children in the lurch when you all really needed him because it suited him, was prepared to LEAVE THE COUNTRY AND NEVER SEE HIS CHILDREN (that needs to be in capitals to really emphasise it) or, at the least, used the threat as manipulative blackmail to get you to stay, and now the tough bit of parenting is done demands you dance round him and give up everything that's yours? And won't go to counselling, probably because he knows fine well that it would mean he has to do some reflecting and maybe change?

Yeah, no. Fuck that. I think your younger child has the measure of him, OP. Intolerable self-absorption and self-centredness coupled with an extremely over-inflated opinion of himself (and expectation that you revolve around him because you're a woman and that's your job). He needs a firm and permanent wake-up call IMO, and you need a life that he's not impacting and draining.

They are older enough now yiur children to make their own minds up and indeed have done so so why are you staying because you can’t be you in this marriage

He's angling for some outside love, he's presenting the 'you're not affectionate enough' model.

The reason we got back together was because there would have been no way he would have seen the children and he was considering moving abroad if the split was permanent

Fucking hell. He gets worse and worse.

The thing is, if you were an emotionally needy person, you would HATE him with a passion for opting out of his responsibilities and leaving you with the kids when they were small. If you were the emotional clingy person he says he wants, you would have divorced him years ago for not being a good father or supportive husband.

The reason this marriage still exists is you've been willing to accept less from him, and because you've been tolerant of his weaknesses. He can't now say he wants you to need him more - if you did neither of you would still be together as a family!