I will never be needy but husband struggling with this

[swiftandquick67]

Me and H have been together for 25 yrs married for 20. I met him when I was 28 and had only ever had one serious relationship before him. Since being a little girl I have always been very independent so found dating hard as didn't like the whole having to answer to someone else and check my plans etc with the person I was dating (this was the 90's) so was different to dating today. I met my husband and he was also pretty independent so we clicked - he did lots with his friends and I with mine.

I have never ever been a needy person (don't know if that is a good or bad thing!!!) I have never been one for lots of affection and I am not tactile. I have never needed hugs kisses or even words to make me feel loved. I have loads of friends as I have lived in several different cities and been to uni so am never or have never felt lonely, H has stayed in the same town all his life although he has traveled extensively. When we met as we both loved travel we did alot of travelling and life was great.

We got married and had children - all was good. We would perhaps kiss each other goodbye in the early days but life then got life got hectic when we had 2 kids under 2 and one of our children is autistic so was very hard when he was small. H couldn't cope well and basically stepped back from fatherhood and I did everything. He needed breaks away and I loved it when he went away I found it far easier bringing up 2 kids when he was away than when he was home. We split up briefly when kids were 6 and 5 and looking back it was the most stress free easiest time of all my married life!! He used to get cross because when he came back from trips away I would never greet him with a huge hug and smother him in kisses. I never once went away with my friends until my kids were teens as I don't think he would have coped and I couldn't risk leaving my kids with him in case he had a breakdown.

Kids are now teens and we are getting our life back a bit now and it is great most of the time BUT he gets cross because when he comes home from work - I don't show him any affection- he would like me to be waiting by the door for him - he is going away again next week as he has done twice a year and he is really really angry that I am letting him go because he says I should be begging him to stay home with me and I have booked a trip away with girlfriends in December and I shouldn't want to do this because I have him.

His argument is that when the kids were small he had to have his space or he would have ended up having a mental breakdown but now we should want to spend every waking moment together - so now he wants me to quit my hobbies and friends and shower him with affection and time to make him feel loved and wanted. He moans because I never text him during the day and all he needs is a heart emoji to make him feel special.

I do love him but he wanted to very little to do with me when the kids were small and I do resent him for this. I admit I am perhaps a relatively cold person (i call myself a realist!!) but I can't just become this soppy needy wife all of a sudden.

I don't need somebody by my side constantly and I am able to do everything without him which he can't understand, but I like doing stuff with him too but I am not needy and never will be.

I have friends who think it is really weird that I am married but still go out with girlfriends and that I allow my H to go away and they can't understand how I feel safe without a man to protect me when he is away but then I also have friends who have their own lives away from their marriages too.

I don't think my problem lies with H I think it is me and the fact I don't need companionship or intimacy - I am sure I would feel the same with anybody . Should I let him go?? I would really really miss him but I can't give him the affection that he craves from me.

“he got to do whatever he wanted to do but the price he’s paying is that the closeness and trust in the relationship has gone and now he’s trying to guilt trip OP into being affectionate.”

Hits the nail on the head! You are doing nothing wrong OP. He is feeling the effects of his selfish actions over many years.

OP I think either leave him or suggest couples counselling, as he will only wear you down otherwise. You are doing nothing wrong.

My ex boyfriend sounds similar, although for him it was because I didn't need him financially.

Your husband is abusive not to mention selfish and a dick @swiftandquick67. Honestly I would be packing his stuff for the trip and telling him not to return.

It's not needy to show affection, and in a normal stable loving relationship with one partner feeling they lack affection then of course it's reasonable to put a bit more effort and affection into the relationship

OPs relationship is not stable and loving. He hasn't shown her any affection over the years. He abandoned her to raise children, he went away repeatedly whilst OP didn't get any opportunity to. He's controlling her now, expecting her to not spend time with her friends. Nothing he is doing is showing love and affection to his wife. The problem is not that OP doesn't kiss him enough

She presumably doesn't want to spend time with him because he's been a shit husband their whole life and is now trying to control her

Mine was like this. Happy to coast behind my hard work and competence but still wanted to feel needed.
I think the old saying is women want to feel wanted and men want to feel needed.

I did try. Even read about surrendered wives and how that was the best way for men to feel happy and therefore the best way for all families. Couldn’t keep it up and am happily single now. He did have several affairs with clingy, depressed and needy single mothers along the way. ‘White knight’ syndrome!

Our children are young adults now and live with me rather than him by choice. He has a girlfriend who runs around after him and does everything and is happy.

Wouldn’t you be better off your own though, happier?

Bit puzzled why after a marriage this long, he expects you suddenly to be all excited to see him?

anyway, he should get a dog.

@RoachFish At least for me the resentment was too deep for me to be able to just switch on affection and pretend they deserve it.

Spot on. I really tried. Unfortunately I couldn’t get over being a better person than he was and still expected to treat him like a prince to keep him 😆. I don’t mean I go about thinking I’m great but I worked harder, did ALL the family stuff, made all the effort, earned more - was I supposed to forgive his affairs because I wasn’t giving him what he really wanted?

Life on my own with the children and friends is so much better.

This was my first thought too. But who needs the husband to accept it? I still think you're better off without him as he doesn't want you to be you.

Sounds like you'd both be better off separated.

This is not your fault.

Dads in our (most?) societies can get away with being neglectful of their children in a way that simply isn't tolerated of the mums.

I have a child with ASD and at a low point I joined a parent support group online. Nearly everyone on there is a single mum. Many men simply quit when the going gets tough.

You might have forgiven him for his behaviour when the kids were little, but you obviously haven't forgotten, and why should you?

Don't change for him. For all you know, he's paving the way to leave the marriage anyway.

Do make your own work, housing, financial, pension situation as secure as you can. See a counsellor just for you.

I've used Relate several times and some of the counsellors have been very good and others not so much - it does need to be the right fit.

And yes someone who doesn't love or at least accept you as you are - after 25 years and two kids - is not a keeper!

What I meant to add was in the parent support group, the dads who'd buggered off, frequently had the same diagnosis as the kid(s). I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that it's the OP who is the neurodiverse adult here. At the very least "wives should do X" is rather rigid thinking.

I was just trying to be pragmatic - it depends what op wants.

Op don't need him.
She's probably better off without him.
If she resents him (very justifiably), they'd all be better off splitting.

But if she wants him then accepting each other is key. (Accepting he's a massive arsehole is a big ask though 😂)

It sounds like you have different attachment styles - you avoidant, him anxious. Neither is better or worse than the other, just different.

If you're interested in exploring this, try listening to The Secure Love Podcast, which is about a couple with a similar dynamic. I'm halfway through and it's really interesting. (Saw it recommended elsewhere on MN!)

@swiftandquick67

how would you feel if he left you today?

what has happened before today is irrelevant.

would it kill you to show your husband some affection? The odd hug, text?

I wouldn't stop going out/away with friends, but if I loved my husband & didn't want him to leave I'd make the effort to do some of the things that make him feel loved.

and you can stop with your 'needy wives' shit. It's not needy to show affection for your husband/wife

It’s not the independence (or desire for) that makes it look like OP is possibly autistic like her child, but the lack of feeling lonely and less/very little need for affection (though in reality, autism is a spectrum and some autistic people are very affectionate).
I was diagnosed as a teenager and remember that I didn’t like affection from a certain age at least (I don’t remember much about that from when I was really young) from my adoptive parents, or wider family, especially kisses… my romantic relationships were just a confusing shit show to be fair, in terms of emotions - but similarly to OP, I rarely felt lonely or like I needed anyone when I wasn’t dating someone.

But equally her husband could be ND couldn't he?

He seems unable to consider her feelings in all this.

He completely stepped away from parenting when the children were young and just did his own thing. Her independence suited him then.

He is being absolutely ridiculous that she should now want to spend all her time with him, fawning all over him like a lovestruck teenager. That ship has sailed.

He doesn't sound very loveable at all.

How about a blunt 'If you're trying to justify going for a dirty weekend with some other woman next week because I don't wear a frilly pinny or beg you to stay, don't bother - and whilst we're at it, if that's what you're doing, don't bother coming back either'?

Because that sounds like what he's doing - creating the 'you've forced me to have an affair' narrative.

I agree it depends what you want. If you want to stay married to him it's fine to examine your feelings for him and think about how you want to express them. If you love him, showing affection doesn't have to be hugs and kisses etc but I do see why someone would wonder why you wanted to be with them if you show no affection at all.

It will be easier to feel you want to be closer to him if you tell him that you're still angry for abandoning you with small children (even though you were perfectly capable of going it alone). You need to talk to each other.

However maybe you just don't want to be married to him? Certainly if the only way for it to continue is you suddenly becoming dependent on him then that's not going to happen. However I wonder if you're interpreting him wanting you to express that you still want to be with him as him requiring neediness. You can only find out by talking, talking, talking.

I would feel absolutely suffocated

This is not how you want your life to be. Time for some serious thinking and decision making

Lots of thoughtful perspectives here OP, especially from @RoachFish and @PenelopePitStrop.

Let us know your thoughts - I think your story is sounding very familiar to a lot of people.

that extreme isn't healthy either

@swiftandquick67 " I never once went away with my friends until my kids were teens as I don't think he would have coped and I couldn't risk leaving my kids with him in case he had a breakdown."

Isn't this your problem here? Why would you stay with a man like this?

Self centred man fails to support family and demands wife does. Kids grow up so now demands that he is supported in the same way. You didn’t miss him before;you won’t again. I am often away for evenings and weekend breaks with different friends. My husband gives lifts and is nothing but encouraging. But then he likes me to enjoy life on my terms. Yours likes how you can improve his life. The fault is not with you.

I'm also not a tactile or touchy person except when I'm in the mood, and my OH, like most men, is predominantly that. I will send a funny or cute video to him, message him occasionally during the day, have in-jokes, call at him to rant about something that's annoying me etc. though. He knows that bringing me a surprise gift or cooking dinner is more the way to my heart. I don't think touch is the be all and end all, relationships need more than that.

However. Your situation sounds extremely detached - from habit? You seem pretty neutral talking about him.

What makes you feel loved? How would you like someone to express their love for you?

I also think your OH is getting things a bit harsh on here in that it's perfectly normal for people to re-evaluate their lives and what they want after the kids are older. He clearly imagined spending more time with you and is trying to rekindle things, even if being far too much too soon.