I will never be needy but husband struggling with this

[swiftandquick67]

Me and H have been together for 25 yrs married for 20. I met him when I was 28 and had only ever had one serious relationship before him. Since being a little girl I have always been very independent so found dating hard as didn't like the whole having to answer to someone else and check my plans etc with the person I was dating (this was the 90's) so was different to dating today. I met my husband and he was also pretty independent so we clicked - he did lots with his friends and I with mine.

I have never ever been a needy person (don't know if that is a good or bad thing!!!) I have never been one for lots of affection and I am not tactile. I have never needed hugs kisses or even words to make me feel loved. I have loads of friends as I have lived in several different cities and been to uni so am never or have never felt lonely, H has stayed in the same town all his life although he has traveled extensively. When we met as we both loved travel we did alot of travelling and life was great.

We got married and had children - all was good. We would perhaps kiss each other goodbye in the early days but life then got life got hectic when we had 2 kids under 2 and one of our children is autistic so was very hard when he was small. H couldn't cope well and basically stepped back from fatherhood and I did everything. He needed breaks away and I loved it when he went away I found it far easier bringing up 2 kids when he was away than when he was home. We split up briefly when kids were 6 and 5 and looking back it was the most stress free easiest time of all my married life!! He used to get cross because when he came back from trips away I would never greet him with a huge hug and smother him in kisses. I never once went away with my friends until my kids were teens as I don't think he would have coped and I couldn't risk leaving my kids with him in case he had a breakdown.

Kids are now teens and we are getting our life back a bit now and it is great most of the time BUT he gets cross because when he comes home from work - I don't show him any affection- he would like me to be waiting by the door for him - he is going away again next week as he has done twice a year and he is really really angry that I am letting him go because he says I should be begging him to stay home with me and I have booked a trip away with girlfriends in December and I shouldn't want to do this because I have him.

His argument is that when the kids were small he had to have his space or he would have ended up having a mental breakdown but now we should want to spend every waking moment together - so now he wants me to quit my hobbies and friends and shower him with affection and time to make him feel loved and wanted. He moans because I never text him during the day and all he needs is a heart emoji to make him feel special.

I do love him but he wanted to very little to do with me when the kids were small and I do resent him for this. I admit I am perhaps a relatively cold person (i call myself a realist!!) but I can't just become this soppy needy wife all of a sudden.

I don't need somebody by my side constantly and I am able to do everything without him which he can't understand, but I like doing stuff with him too but I am not needy and never will be.

I have friends who think it is really weird that I am married but still go out with girlfriends and that I allow my H to go away and they can't understand how I feel safe without a man to protect me when he is away but then I also have friends who have their own lives away from their marriages too.

I don't think my problem lies with H I think it is me and the fact I don't need companionship or intimacy - I am sure I would feel the same with anybody . Should I let him go?? I would really really miss him but I can't give him the affection that he craves from me.

Ok, you made that sacrifice to tolerate him so the dc knew him. He hasn’t improved, the dc are older and will understand, time to put out the trash.

Tbf I was wondering. It runs in families and there's usually an undiagnosed parent or both in there somewhere.

It doesn't matter though, NT or not, he's behaving like a cock. Seems like he's always behaved like a cock in some way.

If you want to keep him OP. Giving him both barrels might be a start. He doesn't get to tell you what to do.

Is it not all about sex anyway? It is usually, wrapped up in you're not 'paying me enough attention ' wails.

This.

He seems to be changing the goalposts

I wonder why.

Look out for the script or re writing of history.

There's so much about this I "can't get past" but, on balance, I think blackmailing you to stay married by threatening to completely vacate his children's lives (instead of absenting himself every couple of months) takes the biscuit. He planned to go abroad so he wouldn't have to pay maintenance.

You've been coerced into this relationship, OP, manipulated into excusing him from family life, and now he's trying to force you to be someone else.

I don't believe you're this much of a pushover.

FWIW, it does sound like he's embarked on the Script, which would mean he's trying out an alternative wife. Or he could simply be a staggeringly self-obsessed fuckwit. Either way, why are you putting up with it?

So when the kids were small, he fucked off and left you to the child rearing and drudge work.

Now they are self sufficient he wants a doting wife and cheerleader.

Erm fuck that, let him go

Just as an aside OP, ypu have mentioned that some of your children are autistic - might you have autistic tendencies yourself? I'm not saying that in the sense that anything you've said is "wrong" or to be corrected. In fact it sounds like you are the lynchpin holding the family together. I admire you so much and think you're doing an amazing job x

It does sound a little like the beginning of The Script.
Suddenly wanting or expecting OP to send him heart emojis? Odd thing to request after over 2 decades.

OP, you say there's no intimacy? What do you mean by that? No sex at all or a basic sesh twice a week but no 'intensity'?.

I'm not surprised you've detached from him though as he chose to step out of family life when you needed his support the most. Then you got used to existing solo emotionally and practically over the years each time he stepped outside family life for 'a break'.
You have needs too but he doesn't meet them I guess. You found your own way over the years.

I write my last post before I read this one.
I agree and he may have been stepping out a bit further than you know over the years?
He needed a strong capable 'Wife Appliance' ( in the words of Chump Lady) and OP sounds like she is an amazing WA all round.
OP when was the last time you both had a week away together just as couple? Maybe book one and see how it is.
No kids, no friends, just you and him.
See what there is to.

Your youngest has the measure of him, useless prick.
He threatened to fully abandon his children if you didn't capitulate.
Useless prick.
Tine to pack his bags.

YOU are truly amazing.
Time to get rid of him.

@swiftandquick67 you sound kick ass and competent and he sounds pathetic. Quite aside from you natural tendencies ( which are fine btw, though I’ve found many men unable to cope with a women who doesn’t “need” them 🙄) he taught you that you can’t rely on him, bu leaving, refusing counselling to get the relationship back on track and essentially forcing you to get back with him for the sake of the kids

Do you need another child, or would you like to go back to the peaceful times? If it is the second your kids will understand eventually

You’ve been together a long time now and feel like ‘you’re getting your life back’. I’d speak to someone on a one to one then as a couple if needed to unpick the truth before making any big decisions. Also,’getting your lives back’ may not mean going in the right direction. If the truth is you’ll be happier on your own that’s ok. No need to feel guilty.

Perhaps you’re not really a cold hearted person and it’s the wall you’ve built up to protect yourself that’s now not letting him in.

You’ll find your answer. Posting this was your first step.