Husband abandoned me and two kids by text message and emigrated to New Zealand

[Cleme]

It has been a difficult time. Two weeks ago my husband of 17 years abandoned me and my two children, 9 and 13. He did this by text message when we were walking back from swimming. It was 4 days before ny daughter's birthday. Just writing this makes me feel appauled by his behaviour.

He has gone to New Zealand to start a new life with a woman he met online. He met her a few years ago but only met her last October in person for the the first time. He told me he had been offered a work opportunity and went for 10 days. I thought it was a bit odd but I didn't question it. I always trusted him. I always supported him in what he wanted to do.

When he came back he told me he was leaving me for this woman. I pleaded with him to stay. In the end he did. He promised to cut contact. I thought he had but he never did. Behind my back he applied for a job out there and arranged his visa and medical.

I thought we were working through things. We went on holiday over the summer, had a good time.

The last few years have been a bit tricky. His mother died from cancer this year after a long illness. He has been drinking heavily and on the sly.

I am so desperate for me and my children. I did love him very much. How can I get over this and move forward. At the moment I can't get out of a constant doom-loop of no sleep, crying and messaging him.

What a selfish arsehole! So sorry this is happening to you and your DC.

I noticed you don't drive and your son's school is in the next village. What about getting lessons in an automatic? They are dead easy to drive. It will give you something proactive to do. x

He was teacher training all year. Even got a job which he pretended to go to for three days before leaving for NZ. He emailed them on the Monday saying he wasn't going to come.

He got up for three days, put on his teacher clothes then came back at the end of the day, normal as can be.

What an absolute cunt.

I am so sorry and so angry on your behalf. How dare he do this to you and your children?!

I promise you, in years to come you will be thriving and you will be happy again. In the mean time, speak to a solicitor, claim any benefits you are entitled to and get child maintenance payments in place. Take him for everything you possibly can. Let your anger push you through, and in those times you feel like you can’t be strong come to us, we’ll be here x

Three essentials:

A solicitor

Therapy for yourself and your children - this kind of abuse (and it is abuse) can cause lasting damage.

Your family and friends.

Love to you all.

Good to hear about the single status!

So sorry to read this OP. Hard to get your head around this sort of behaviour.

A friend of mine was older when her Dad suddenly decided to start a new life in Australia without even really saying goodbye - just jettisoned everything, saying his home city was a dump and they were all fools for staying.

Well he now hates where he lives abroad and is bored but his family isn't talking to him and has moved on nicely without him. Man child.

He's a teacher? Crikey.

OP - stay strong.

This is all very interesting, thank you!

I wonder how he got a visa on a years teacher training and as an artist? Have a check up on this. It doesn’t sound plausible but I don’t know the NZ regulations.

New job isn't teaching but yes, he was training as one.

Apologies if this has been suggested but maybe check out entitled to https://www.entitledto.co.uk/
If you're only working part time you might be entitled to something that will help financially, while you're getting your ducks in a row.
Also sending massive hugs, I'm in awe of your strength to be still standing, he sounds like he really didn't deserve you!

It’s appalling OP and deep down he must know it and carry the shame.

I think it sounds as though he wasn’t coping very well - his mum, the brain haemorrhage etc - and it is a literal running away. Moreover, he has run to somewhere he felt like a hero, to someone he talked round from suicide.
That doesn’t make it any easier, but I do think this sounds all about him and his issues and I hope that gives you some sense of explanation, which of course is what you want when people are do inexplicably perverse.
Fwiw I think online relationships are so dangerous. They are able to be to sculpted to present a skewed picture, and provide a perfect notion of somewhere to escape to, poised as they are in some ambiguous spot between fiction and reality. But it’s reality all the way now he’s thrown himself at it…and a bag of dog poo might work wonders @CheekyHobson !

Guys really are the most appauling species on the planet, and I'm saying that as a father of two. Even if my marriage were to breakdown it would kill me not to see DC most days.

How can someone so readily abandon their family like this? How can they not understand the heartache and pyschological impact it imparts on everyone? And how can OW begin a life with someone that can so easily cast aside their family?

OP you have strength I can't even begin to imagine. Tough times never last but tough people do.

I am so shocked at this. Obtaining a visa is a long drawn out, expensive process.

This is not quite the right way round but may help
https://www.justice.govt.nz/family/paternity-and-child-support/child-support/if-a-parent-lives-overseas/

Good luck and I truly hope things work wonderfully for you

PS both UK and NZ are UNCRAM countries
https://treaties.un.org/pages/ViewDetailsIII.aspx?src=TREATY&mtdsg_no=XX-1&chapter=20&Temp=mtdsg3&clang=_en

All well and good, but I'm still trying to get this from when I applied during covid. There's a thread on here about it (REMO).

The thing is, in the future, this is something that will have happened to you and you will
move on, as will your kids albeit with a very different picture of their dad in their head. I stayed in contact with mine but Father’s Day cards were impossible, as they all said stuff that he hadn’t done. ‘Thanks for being there..etc’

My dad remained a selfish man for the rest of his life, and blamed everyone and everything for where he was, hated Australia but couldn’t come home. He was manically depressed in the end and ended up very alone, which was a real tragedy as he was a popular, sparkly man for most of his younger life.

This will define your husband forever. The nature of this act is so bad that it will follow him around like a criminal conviction.

He is not a twat, he is an evil, evil sadist - to plan and prepare for the move and keeping you in the dark? It takes a special sadist to do that. Will those two children not remind him of his own? On a daily basis? How can he cope with being around those two children knowing his are missing him miles away? I think there is something seriously mentally wrong with him, not in the 'having a mental breakdown' sort of way, but I think he was born a heartless psychopath, a dangerous scum.

I am forever associating problems posted on MN with literature - thinking - oh, this is what it reminds me of, it is from the pages of a great classic, etc. etc. and always find literature examples of betrayal, scheming, indifference, even murder - but this???? I don't think I have ever read about such calculating cruelty in any book. In view of this, you are really well rid of him, but most importantly, your children are sooooo well rid of him, you have no idea. This sort of sadist is worse for the children than an alkie, a drug addict, or children beater. You have to be strong for your children - to show you can cope, be normal, be functional - they will grow emulating you - they will be self-reliant and prepared to deal with blows, which is though not the best childhood experience, but miles better than a mollycoddled trouble-free existence in terms of character building.

It may not feel this way, but please believe what other women are saying when they mention you are better off without this scum. And better now, than later when you wasted your whole life on him. Merciful release, honestly, from future untold betrayals.

You say he had a brain haemmorhage. Sadly it can cause lasting damage which can silently manifest in a dramatic change in character.
My first husband was an intelligent, kind, thoughtful, outgoing, charming man. At age 31 he had a brain haemmorhage. Over the following months his character gradually changed and he became spiteful, uncaring, lying and withdrawn whilst capable of 'putting on a front' with others. He walked out on me the day I was made redundant.
I can offer you no advice except to say that what got me through the subsequent months was reminding myself that his change of character was not his fault and that he was now a totally different person.
It really is not uncommon for people who have had an injury to their brain to experience changes in character.
should add...devious

Surely it's the brain injury talking? I'm surprised no one is mentioning this. If he hadn't had one I'd think what a terrible human being. He's obviously not right in the head. What are his parents thinking?

The OP has clarified that this all started before the brain injury.

Has the brain injury triggered this?

The OP has already clarified earlier in the thread that his plans were in place before the very recent head injury.

Christ I’ve read some awful stuff on here but fuck me that takes the biscuit

i remember being part of an Internet group back in the early days of the Internet and talking one of the men in it out of leaving his wife & going off to Australia to live with a n Australian woman he’d met on line

he had a wife, children, his own business but had just brought into this fantasy that he could leave everything Behind and it would all somehow miraculously be fine. Fucking twat!!!

OP your calmness in the face of all this is amazing!! Get yourself to a solicitor asap. Reality needs to bite for him and his cuntery

I’m staggered at the selfishness and callousness of this man, it’s mind blowing that he could treat his children like this. He’s a repulsive, inadequate prick. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, and I hope the anger comes to you soon, it will help you to stop texting him etc. also try and focus on the practical, for example making a claim for CM, it’ll give you something to focus on. Be good to yourself too, get a massage, spend some time with friends, get some therapy etc, I’m so sorry OP, your kids are lucky to have you. X

Many are mentioning it and his mother has died, which is part of the difficult time they have been having so I guess his mum isn’t saying much about it.

The brain injury might have contributed to him carrying through, but the issues started before it so it isn’t as simple as that.