Husband abandoned me and two kids by text message and emigrated to New Zealand

[Cleme]

It has been a difficult time. Two weeks ago my husband of 17 years abandoned me and my two children, 9 and 13. He did this by text message when we were walking back from swimming. It was 4 days before ny daughter's birthday. Just writing this makes me feel appauled by his behaviour.

He has gone to New Zealand to start a new life with a woman he met online. He met her a few years ago but only met her last October in person for the the first time. He told me he had been offered a work opportunity and went for 10 days. I thought it was a bit odd but I didn't question it. I always trusted him. I always supported him in what he wanted to do.

When he came back he told me he was leaving me for this woman. I pleaded with him to stay. In the end he did. He promised to cut contact. I thought he had but he never did. Behind my back he applied for a job out there and arranged his visa and medical.

I thought we were working through things. We went on holiday over the summer, had a good time.

The last few years have been a bit tricky. His mother died from cancer this year after a long illness. He has been drinking heavily and on the sly.

I am so desperate for me and my children. I did love him very much. How can I get over this and move forward. At the moment I can't get out of a constant doom-loop of no sleep, crying and messaging him.

My goodness this is chilling.

I went through something similar last year. He had an emotional affair with someone from work. I thought we were in a better place and off he left no conversation and ended over the phone. It is soul destroying dealing with the fall out with your children and tracing back in your mind what was real or a show.

Like my ex your husband put on a show and went through the motions while detaching and leaving in the most horrific way and hasn’t even got the decency to have done it to your face. He is not your friend. This is a line that has helped me.

Im almost a year on now OP and guess what the situation is. The other women doesn’t trust him because he’s a liar and a cheat. People know you loose them how you found them.

That shine is going to wear off quickly. She has teenagers he’s not going to want to deal with that. He can’t deal with emotions but has left for a woman who is not mentally stable by sound of it so yeah I’m sure that will be forever fun for him. When you think about it logically, this is what has helped me.

He has made awful truly on your death bed regrets here. You how ever OP will be so close to your children and the bond you will have through this will continue to strengthen.

I am actually happier now a year on with just my girls. I also didn’t drive and have been learning. Do automatic OP your brain will struggle to focus and I’m almost ready to take my test now. Take back your life.

Have film nights in where you all cuddle up in bed or on the sofa. You are all grieving right now and it will be hardest for the next 6 months. This stuff consumes you and you can’t understand how someone you thought you could trust can just swan off without a second thought. Be glad you don’t understand it. You got this.

You are being incredibly brave

Yep, he had planned to leave before the brain injury.

Fact is, many men are vile pigs and OP husband is proper scum who is willling to leave the country and abandon his kids for sex. I hope this haunts him for the rest of his life.

This is absolutely horrendous, how can so many men behave so badly.

Apply for universal credits today.

New Zealand is a remo country.
www.gov.uk/government/publications/countries-where-you-can-enforce-child-maintenance-decisions

He got up for three days, put on his teacher clothes then came back at the end of the day, normal as can be.

God, what levels of shittiness must it take to maintain constant total lies?! The mind boggles. A normal person could not do this.

Does the OW know this? That he cheerfully made up a load of bullshit and actually acted it out? Like physically put on a pretending costume to do his little make-believe game? That gives me the hugest ick.

Oh God how awful OP.

I have someone in my extended family who did this. Married 25 years, two teenage daughters, up and left to Seattle to be with an arty suicidal woman who "really understood him". It lasted about three months and his wife took him back. His rich dad then died and they inherited a load of money, I think the wife was mainly interested in not losing her house.

When yours comes crawling back - and he will!! - do not fall for it. Tell him to job the fuck on. They're scumbags, the lot of them.

This. If OW was considering suicide and he talked her out of it, then one morning, he's going to wake up and think he just can't be arsed to polish his armour and saddle his horse and ride out as her White Knight to do battle with her demons for her. Sir Knight is going to be an ordinary mortal again, wanting his dinner and demanding fresh socks. They're both going to hit the ground hard.

Also, how is he moving to NZ? A couple of my friends moved over and it took them a couple of years to convince the NZ government that it was worthwhile letting them settle. They both had transferable skills; she had her pick of the jobs (as a nurse), he took a bit longer, but his skills were niche.

So either he has been planning this for a very long time and has his ducks in a row or he is chancing his arm with NZ immigration, figuring he will sort the right permits, etc when he gets there. Unless NZ is spectacularly short of cocklords*, he needs to bring something to the table economically for them to let him stay.

My money is on the latter. Be ready for your cocklord to return, expecting you to wash his chain mail like nothing has happened.

*all hail the pp who coined this phrase. Perfect. Joins the lexicon beautifully.

I’m so sorry for what you are going through and have had to endure. What a complete twat of a man - it’s bad enough doing that to your partner, but to do it to your kids is in a league of its own. Thank goodness they’ve got a string, thoughtful and loving mother (although you probably don’t feel it right now).

As for her. What kind of woman would want a man who could do this?? Whatever story he has spun her. They deserve each other. They’re both stupid. Running half way round the world will not be the dreamy love story they are expecting. And his bridges are burned. He is an absolute idiot.

Get everything organised- the divorce, financial split etc. Change the house - get rid of his paintings- put them in storage if he wants them (which he pays for). But strike now while he is perhaps feeling a tiny bit guilty. It won’t last long.

Get counselling for yourself if you can. Just to talk it through for a couple of sessions,if need be, will help. Be kind to yourself. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. You’ll have strong days and weak days. That’s normal. But you will get through this and one day it will just be a memory and not be able to hurt you anymore.

@Cleme am I right in thinking this other woman has brought a stranger into her children’s home? After having survived suicide? If he’s still drinking heavily it all sounds like a complete mess! Those poor kids. Your poor children too. I know it doesn’t feel like it at the moment, but you and the children will be so much better off without this man. He is making some very poor decisions in life. He is not the man you thought he was.

I know you don't want to hear that, but your kids should not be supportive of you, but the other way around. You have to support them, even though it's obviously hard. (Get your support from other adults, not them).

On another note, your XH has a drinking problem, is grieving, and is going to live with a person he bonded over a suicide attempt? I can guarantee their life together will be as far from a bed of roses as you can imagine.

As people on MN always say: don't take him back after everything goes down in flames! (It probably will).

He's fallen out of love with you. Ibwould try and focus on your kids, give it time. Wounds will heal. And if he does come back don't let him. Do things for yourself. Go out with the girls , get your nails done. Get a hobby. Do you girl. I don't know how old your children are but I'm sure they're in mom's corner. You deserve better.

That shine is going to wear off quickly for him. All the problems of everyday life, with a woman who has problems of her own, and who doesn't know and understand him like you do from your years together...

Plus the added problems of settling into a new life, new country... he'll have to do a lot of pretending and lying to himself to convince himself he's not a totally reprehensible human being for abandoning his children - but he will know it, down to his bones... and he will know that all his friends and family back home will now be thinking of him with disgust...

The alcohol is going to be waiting for him with open arms, isn't it? You won't have to do a thing, he will ruin himself and his shiny new life all on his own...

Ohmigod! Apologies for the strong language, but what your Husband has done is an absolute cunt's trick 😡😡

I second what other's have said about cutting contact etc

Of course right now this is raw, painful and so difficult. But with your friends, family etc, you will get through this 💕

I’ve seen this before …
shes an emotional manipulator.
He thinks he’s a life saving hero now.

she needs me
and you don’t.

Every woman and I mean EVERY woman I know who has split with their DH / partner for whatever reason and had no formal legal arrangements on finances has been screwed over by their ex going back on their word. It might not be immediately, in one case it was 2 years later, in another more like 4 years.

Just when you think you have read it all... what a Grade A CUNT. So sorry for you and your kids OP. We're all here to support you through this x

Ignore me on the job/immigration front. I thought I had read the whole thread, but there was a lot of it that came in while choosing my words.

Superb!
I too know a recently Migrated Whippet who is fresh out of Quarantine, and I'm sure he too could pop over and leave a steaming dog log on the doorstep of this selfish man!

This is so sad. What he did to you is horrendous and to his children? Unforgivable.
It sounds like he is on some horrible downwards spiral. Your children need you and your stability.

Get your licence sorted asap

OP - next time you feel like texting remind yourself "He chose an online fuck over his children" - say it again and again.

Because he did

Not minimising that he chose to throw away his marriage, but MOST men would ultimately be deterred from such a drastic move by the thought of not seeing their kids. Your Prince of an H clearly decided his dick trumped his kids.

Suggestions about separate phone/email are excellent. It will stop you slipping into texting him/getting sucked in to his 'try and understand me" bullshit. You will be corresponding on your terms only. And he will probably flounder at some point - when it's not all as rosy, and NZ starts to feel very far away - you don't want to be on the receiving end of THAT drunken call, just as you start to get your shit together.

It's absolutely awful and unforgivable, but you will get through it. You will. The worst part about things like this are that the person you normally turn to in times of crisis IS the crisis. It takes everything away with a huge sweep and your foundations literally rock. But he WILL stop being 'your person' and you will move on in time.

Book driving lessons - do it. You will feel SO empowered.

This couldn’t be anything to do with his brain injury, could it?

It’s so off-the-scale nuts, I can’t believe anyone could be that much of a bastard.

My heart goes out to you and your children, OP.

This all sounds so utterly improbable- it’s not easy to rock up in NZ and just live there. It’s even harder if you’re an artist / trainee teacher without qualifications to actually teach. And who has substantial financial obligations (mortgage, kids) in the UK. It sounds like he’s kidding himself that this is permanent.

pull the escape ladder up.

What an absolute bastard. I’m so sorry op.

Wishing you every strength@Cleme

What stands out to me is that this isnt simply an affair, he has run away. I would be wanting to know what from. Simply the realities of a long term relationship? Or is there something else?

I would strongly recommend checking your finances. Do credit checks. Are mortgage payments, bills etc up to date?