Husband abandoned me and two kids by text message and emigrated to New Zealand

[Cleme]

It has been a difficult time. Two weeks ago my husband of 17 years abandoned me and my two children, 9 and 13. He did this by text message when we were walking back from swimming. It was 4 days before ny daughter's birthday. Just writing this makes me feel appauled by his behaviour.

He has gone to New Zealand to start a new life with a woman he met online. He met her a few years ago but only met her last October in person for the the first time. He told me he had been offered a work opportunity and went for 10 days. I thought it was a bit odd but I didn't question it. I always trusted him. I always supported him in what he wanted to do.

When he came back he told me he was leaving me for this woman. I pleaded with him to stay. In the end he did. He promised to cut contact. I thought he had but he never did. Behind my back he applied for a job out there and arranged his visa and medical.

I thought we were working through things. We went on holiday over the summer, had a good time.

The last few years have been a bit tricky. His mother died from cancer this year after a long illness. He has been drinking heavily and on the sly.

I am so desperate for me and my children. I did love him very much. How can I get over this and move forward. At the moment I can't get out of a constant doom-loop of no sleep, crying and messaging him.

Another friend suggested he was living round the corner. Unlikely I think. I have seen the Job Spec printed out amongst his papers, found his medical, seen her on Facebook and know where she works in NZ.

It's crazy but true.

Hello,

I have nothing to add but my sympathy and courage. He is a total shit, and you have all sorts of amazing women on your side here to lean on.

The only thing I can add is that my uncle did the same thing many years ago, only he and his wife were living abroad. When she brought their disabled daughter back to school in the UK, she found a note in the suitcase saying don't come back, I've found someone else out here. She was too good for him, but he was never happy again and ended up committing suicide. I don't wish that on your husband, but I think you will end up having a better life than him; guilt can eat a person up.

Oh my god, what a chilling story. Like my husband's text message, which seemed to portray himself as the hero of some grand narrative, your uncle's note just smacks of self importance!

No, I don't wish suicide on my husband - that would be awful for the children to cope with for a start. However, I think it is correct that he will never be happy. Guilt was eating him up before (the heavy drinking), and it will so again, especially when it sinks in he won't have a relationship with his children.

Has the husband been making any efforts regarding his abandoned children ?

I can't imagine what story he has spun the new woman. I just can't get my head round anyone accepting someone who just abandoned kids like that and moved as far away as possible.

And if I found a colleague had done that I'd tell them what I thought of them.

I know you believe that you cannot find someone else because you would be unable to trust. However it is perfectly possible to have valuable and meaningful relationships without going the whole nine yards and getting married and moving in together! In time you will find you can enjoy relationships on your terms without needing to wholeheartedly commit . There's fun out there and someone as lovely as you will find it

Just dropping in to say I’ve been thinking of you and the children and can identify with all the emotions you are going through.
There’s a lot of us going through relationship breakup in one way or another. and I’m finding it absolutely draining and so tiring.
There are some wise people on Instagram who I’m finding helpful. Take a look around Insta. You too might find wise ones who’ll be helpful.
Good luck OP. One day at a time.
Keep us posted. X

Hope you are doing ok OP x

One must certainly pursue legal acountability. This sort of man ruins his own life and further inflicts harm upon those who love him.

Believe me, once you leave him, you will all only improve with time!

How’s it going OP ?

Hi All

Second week back at work. Feels ok, feels like I am slowly getting some concentration back. I have finished reading a book which seemed impossible in the first week after he left.

But still so hard! Keep on expecting him to walk through the door. Hear the timbre of his voice. Just can't quite believe he did this to me and the children. We were kindred spirits once. Or were we? If he was capable of such an act as this then he couldn't ever have been the person I thought he was.

Even though it has almost killed me, I haven't contacted him. Even when I had some good news last week regarding my writing - things I would share with him and we would have celebrated together in the old days - I held strong.

Ultimately, I know I need to be harder, like him.

Congratulations on the good news - sending 🍾 (apologies virtual only!). Take care of yourself x

You poor thing ❤️ Mourning the man you fell for, hating the man he became. Things are going to be tough, but you’re doing the strongest thing you can do, and setting a fantastic example for your children on what not to accept in the meantime. He is not welcome to any of your strengths, any of your good moments, accomplishments, etc. He doesn’t deserve them, and that’s 100% on him. You are your own kindred spirit, and you’re capable of amazing things. It can only go upwards from here.

Yep, that's about the sum of it: mourning his previous incarnation; despising the reptile he became.

Well done! You're doing amazing x

Well, I haven't cried today - yet!

Hi, I send you Best Wishes indeed. I had been wondering how you were getting on and no doubt other people have been hoping you are ok.

I really am trying to make the best of things. Moved my bed. New bed linen. Painting my son's room in two weeks.

Disposed of the jar of sand from the beach where we had our wedding BBQ. That was very hard.

Even if you do end up crying today, you’re still doing amazing! It’s good to feel your emotions, and they’re not a sign of weakness!

You sound so strong, OP. Wishing you all the very best, you certainly deserve it!

@Cleme

Is your solicitor helping you, OP?

I'm assuming that you have spoken to one now.

If not:

solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

OP I have been thinking of you all year past few weeks and honestly, I’m rooting for the 3 of you. X

It means such a lot that people care. Thank you so much.

I am staggered at how mature and sensible my children seem. Not to say that they aren't sad. I think my son has separation anxiety. He holds my hand continually if we ware walking down the road; he sleeps in my bed every night.

But they don't want their father back. Not the version they experienced in the last year or so.

Your poor boy. I do, however, think this is normal and a sign that he trusts you and you have a great relationship. X

Wow op. Can I just say that I'm a bit in awe of you. You have handled this horrendous loss with class and dignity and one day you will have the satisfaction of looking back and knowing that.
He is a weasel of a man, what ever about a marriage but to walk away from his kids is utterly utterly unforgivable especially for some randomer he met on line.
I know with certainty that he will never know true happiness again the guilt of what he's done will eat him alive particularly when he sees people out and about with their kids.
You on the other hand I'm fully convinced will rule the world some day .